


chasing chances

by citruseungkwan



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-27
Updated: 2018-11-12
Packaged: 2019-02-07 11:26:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 167,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12840174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/citruseungkwan/pseuds/citruseungkwan
Summary: boo seungkwan is bored, stuck, and generally dissatisfied with his life in jeju but being as whimsical as he is, he decides to make a horribly rushed decision to up and leave the country. in favor of starting a new life all the way across the world, he ends up moving to new york city with barely any plans or ideas on what to do next. he ends up working in a rather interesting place, meeting some peculiar people, and attempts to find himself in the process. is he really making any progress by chasing chances, or will he find something already waiting for him in new york city?





	1. ambitious bad decisions

**Author's Note:**

> this story is (very) loosely based on the film coyote ugly. 
> 
> it's one of my favorite guilty pleasure movies and when i was watching it one day i thought !! what if that was seungkwan !! and things just happened from there. 
> 
> this is a chaptered series. there's going to be quite a few chapters but definitely not as much as ourtwenties.  
> nor is this a sequel to ourtwenties, they're completely different characters ! (but for those who told me they wanted seungkwan + vernon in nyc well i guess that you can live out that storyline in a little bit different of a way) 
> 
> anyways, thanks to those who are willing to follow me to another series and i hope you like it!
> 
> @ citruseungkwan on twitter and tumblr

Jeju Province, Seoul Korea. 

 

That’s where Boo Seungkwan has spent the last twenty years of his life. 

 

Surely he’s been to other parts of the mainland before, such as when his high school senior class took that field trip to Busan to celebrate graduation and that rare trip to Daegu on his birthday. He’s also been lucky enough to check out Gwangju and Seoul and a couple of other towns in between when his family took an occasional vacation, but he hasn’t exactly had much exposure to the whole entirety of South Korea- and the whole rest of the world at that. 

 

Jeju is beautiful. It’s absolutely stunning to say the least, filled with the most lush green nature, bright blue seas, and an abundance of happy friendly natives that generally just make life so much more pleasant on the little island. Despite being part of South Korea, Boo Seungkwan kind of even considers Jeju to be a mini country all in itself. Or at least it feels that way. 

 

It might just be because he’s in his early twenties that he’s getting kind of stir crazy, but lately all of Jeju’s beauty seems to feel like more of a trap than a place where his dreams could come true.  When he told his parents that he was thinking of going abroad for university- even just to Seoul, they silently pushed away all his fantasies by claiming everything he’d ever need was right here in Jeju. It was almost like it was the most perfect place to live in the whole world. Why would he ever want to be anywhere else? Everyone absolutely loved and adored him here. He had a stable job working for his family owned sundae-guk restaurant. He could attend a great university here for at least half the price of a Seoul education. Reality speaking, it made perfect sense for him to stay in Jeju for the rest of his life like his parents and grandparents and all of his family before them chose to as well. 

 

Living in Jeju has always seemed too safe. Maybe that’s why Seungkwan doesn’t like the idea of staying there too much. 

 

Seungkwan’s friends have claimed many times that this island is too small to hold someone like Boo Seungkwan within it’s walls. His personality is too big, his voice is much too loud, and his dreams literally shine brighter than the lights at Time’s Square. Seungkwan is lucky that his friends love him so much and voluntarily hype him up simply because of that love, but they’re definitely the reason behind why he’s started believing that maybe he did need something a little more special after all. It’s all their fault that he’s daydreaming of running away and settling down in sunny Los Angeles, the rush of modern London, or maybe even the classically trendy Paris. To put it lightly, Seungkwan’s got a lot of dreams. Big ones. With a great big side of wanderlust too. 

 

These dreams usually start to manifest while he’s at work and he grows horribly bored with staring at the same restaurant walls that he’s seen literally ever since he was born. Part of the curse of having your parents own a restaurant for their business is that it becomes habitual to eat there. It’s practically free food all the time. These are the same walls that welcomed Seungkwan home from school when he wanted to snack after classes, the walls that held him and his friends for countless group dinners simply because it was free, and the walls that he started working in ever since he turned fifteen. Technically he also did a lot of unpaid work for his parents here when he was just a kid so furthermore, that only gives more reason to why Seungkwan’s grown so dissatisfied here. He might have made some genuinely happy memories over the years, but it’s finally time for something new.

 

It’s a little past 4AM on a Thursday. Seungkwan tends to get stuck with the absolute worst shifts at the 24 hour restaurant because he’s his parent’s son. He can’t just say no when they ask him to take the night shifts. He also never enrolled into university as a result of not knowing what he wanted to do yet so his entire life just consists of working these horrible shifts, earning money he doesn’t quite know what to do with either. Because he’s not even going to school and still living under their roof, the least he could do is help out with the family business. 

 

The only good thing about it being 4AM on a Thursday is that most of the drunk business men on after work outings are gone by like 3:30, which means it’s definitely always empty around 4. Usually at this time of night it’s only him and Chan working. That means they’ll blast some music while cleaning up all of the tables and have an absolutely great time while doing it. They only have until about 6AM until the drunks come back for hangover stew before starting their Friday business day so Seungkwan makes the most out of this time by singing (and screaming) at the top of his lungs. 

 

“Someone’s more excited than usual today.” Chan comments out with a mix between a smirk and a grin as he passes by Seungkwan with a tray of leftover side dishes. “I swear, your singing is great and all, but if you keep it up I might just blow out an eardrum.” 

 

Seungkwan sticks his tongue out at him as he momentarily stops sliding around the room with the broom he’s using. “Heh, you’re not going to say that when I’m famous someday.” 

 

“You’re already famous. All of the grannies here love you.” Chan responds back with a chuckle. “Besides, they’ve probably lost their hearing already so that’s why they don’t seem to mind the constantly rising noise level.” 

 

“You know I love the elderly crowd and adore them as much as they adore me but it’s not really cutting it anymore. I’m starting to get a bit selfish when it comes to becoming noticed for my singing.” Seungkwan sighed rather dramatically as he placed one foot on the broom and started sliding across the room again. “I just want to sing my heart out to my favorite songs and make the people around me happy. Maybe I should enter a university for broadcasting? Or music theory? Theatre arts?” 

 

“Do what you want, Boo. If it makes you happy then go and enroll. But hey, just because you study music that doesn’t mean that you’ll automatically become successful. People only become famous by  _ chance _ .” Chan clicked his tongue as he accidentally got some kimchi sauce on his hand and flicked it off into the trash. “I mean, even really talented people can work their asses of any never get a chance at being discovered.” 

 

As Chan spouts of some rather thoughtful advice that he hadn’t exactly asked for, Seungkwan finds himself stopping his playful actions with the broom and pausing for a moment. His best friend did have a way with words. It was like he was caught off guard in that exact second, allowing for the useful words to sink deep down into somewhere inside of his being and formulate some kind of resolute conclusion. Chan was actually kind of a genius maybe. 

 

That was Boo Seungkwan’s moment of clarity.

 

“I’m leaving the country!” Seungkwan determinedly outbursts with his hands cupped around his mouth for best impact. 

 

The walls of the restaurant nearly shake from the sheer decibels of his voice. 

 

A poster unfastens itself from the wall and slides onto the floor. 

 

Chan is used to Seungkwan’s yelling by now but he still jumps a little this time. 

 

“I said I’m leaving the country!”

 

Summing it up to another round of Seungkwan’s comical nonsense, Chan just shakes his head and laughs before focusing back on his work. “Alright then, where are you going?” 

 

“That’s a good question.” Seungkwan stops in his tracks instead of going to collect the broom that slammed onto the ground during his explosion. “I didn’t even think that far but I’m leaving and that’s a fact.” 

 

“So what -  you’re going to Seoul then?” 

 

“No way, I said I’m leaving the  _ country _ . Emphasis on the country part. That means no Seoul, no Busan, not even Gwangju.” Seungkwan decided with a firm nod as he tried to get back to his own work as well, and with much more determination this time. “I don’t even want to stay in Asia. I want the exact opposite of Asia! I want to be completely culture shocked and confused at all my surroundings and get as far away from home as possible!” 

 

By now, Chan is used to Seungkwan getting these large scale ideas in his head. These whims usually never play out so he’s not exactly taking him seriously, but entertaining the idea is fun enough to pass the hours of their work shift more quickly. “You know, my family went on a vacation to Vancouver once. It was fun because it’s kind of a big city and the people are so nice there. Oh, and we went to some airport in Germany once when I was a kid. I don’t really remember much but I think that was fun?” 

 

“But Canada? Germany? What’s in those places anyways? Moose and nice chocolates?” Seungkwan responded back with a snicker in Chan’s direction. “Canada seems beautiful and all, but it’s cold and it’s not exactly known for being like a world entertainment capital. I was thinking more like the bright neon lights, the fame, the show business type of place. You know, I want that kind of fantasy. I don’t exactly think German really has that type of image either...” 

 

“Then just stay in Seoul. We have so many big entertainment companies here too.” 

 

“Yeah, but you’re missing the point here. You said I should take a  _ chance _ . Staying in Korea and trying to make it big with all of the other tall and handsome and talented boys is only going to drain my soul even further.” Seungkwan emphasized with a small pout, trying to convince his best friend of why he wanted to go so badly. “You always said it yourself, my dreams are too big for Jeju and maybe they’re too big for all of Asia too.” 

 

Chan just stayed silent as he finished emptying all of the dishes and looked up a rather hopeful looking Seungkwan. A long sigh left his lips before he smiled softly. “Should we just get a map and throw a dart at it?” He suggested out as Seungkwan blinked a few times in confusion. “If you’re going to be loved for your voice, you can make it anywhere.” 

 

Now Seungkwan was tearing up a little bit and it was all Chan’s fault. He let his broom fall to the ground again as he ran over to his best friend and clutched him into a tight hug. “Channie, you’re the nicest to me. This is why I love you so much.” Seungkwan cooed out as he let his cheek rub affectionately against Chan’s own, who only partially winced and finally pulled his face away like thirty seconds later. 

 

Maybe because he didn’t consider all of this to become an eventual reality, Chan just sighed and shook his head at what he assumed to be another imaginary Seungkwan fantasy. “Yeah, yeah, you can go ahead and thank me when you’re famous.” 

  
  
  
  


. . . . .

  
  
  
  


It’s a busy day on the job a month or two later when Seungkwan’s starting to feel himself actually debating running away and not telling anyone. 

 

It’s been a particularly rough week at work. He’s had a few crowds of rude tourists that were entirely difficult to deal with. He burned his fingers more than once just while carrying the hot stone bowls of soup. They had some people skip out without paying the tab and his mom lectured him for not paying close enough attention. Even his own beloved older sisters mentioned that his singing on the job is unprofessional and starting to annoy the customers. The world is testing Seungkwan right now.

 

Lately the only thing that’s seeming to get him through his stressful workweeks are the exciting promises of starting a new life somewhere very far away. 

 

During one of his breaks he brings himself to leave the restaurant and walk to a nearby outdoor seating area. He’s lucky that it’s another ungodly hour in the middle of the night and there’s not many people around because he’s actually ready to cry a little from all the stress. Seungkwan has a lot of emotions, whether they be good or bad and he’s not ashamed in letting them out on a whim. So he brings his knees to his chest and puts in his earbuds and just kind of zones out into the music and waits for the waterworks to begin. Music has always been his makeshift cure when he’s in need of a little extra support. 

 

Now, Seungkwan has always loved music. He loves all of it. It doesn’t matter if the language is in Korean, or Japanese, or Spanish, or English or whatever else. Music is beautiful and voices are also beautiful in every language. But if Seungkwan were to be completely honest, he finds that most of his favorite songs are in languages other than his mother tongue. There’s just something magical about listening to a song in a foreign language and still knowing every single word just because of how much love you hold for it. 

 

So Seungkwan is just sitting there is his head in his lap, eyes closed and trying to forget about all of the events that this difficult week has brought on. Sometimes he opens his eyes to look down at the pavement and kick at rock or two but as much as he was ready to cry just moments ago, he’s not really feeling the overwhelming urge to burst into tears anymore. It’s kind of funny how music can work in that kind of way for him. 

 

Because no one is around he lets himself sing as much as he wants, with lips that expertly form pretty words of languages not his own. The night chill feels pleasantly warm as it ruffles his hair in the wind. Seungkwan’s mood eventually lightens up again but there’s still something stirring in his chest that music alone can’t ease. He wants to get up, follow the path of his dreams, and desperately chase after them like they’re constantly drifting away in a faraway wind. Perhaps deep down, it’s just the action of taking a chance that he needs the most. 

 

Seungkwan takes his phone out and searches for a website that has cheap deals on flights. 

 

He clicks on the first distant place he can find and buys a one way ticket. 

 

The adrenaline from making this possibly horrendous bad decision only hits him about five minutes later when he’s back into the kitchen and scooping side dishes into little plates with Chan. 

 

“Chan, I’m going to New York.” He confesses and now his hands are practically shaking with a mix of conflicted feelings- some of excitement but also a lot of unrest and anxiety and a hundred other things he can’t even find words for. He actually has to stop working for a second and put the plates down to face his best friend. “I’m going to New York. I already bought the ticket.” 

 

Chan has known Seungkwan for a very long time. He knows when the elder is just trying to play a prank on him and get his feelings all messed up just for fun. He knows Seungkwan says or does shocking things sometimes just to get a reaction out of him. Overall, he just knows Seungkwan by now. He can tell that Seungkwan is serious almost as instantly as he hears it in his voice. 

 

Chan also sets the dish he’s holding down before he turns to look into Seungkwan’s eyes. He’s not smiling about this wild idea of Seungkwan’s anymore. “You…. really went and bought it, huh?” He asks out even though he’s absolutely sure that Seungkwan already did. As soon as Seungkwan nods rather hesitantly in response he just purses his lips and looks down at their unfinished work. “Well, I don’t even know what to say…. Fuck, actually this sucks. I never knew you really had it in you. I never expected you to actually follow through with it and really make it happen. I mean, I’m happy for you but fuck, I’m going to be so lonely without you...” 

 

All that Seungkwan can do in this moment is smile rather sadly to himself. He knew leaving Chan and his family would be the hardest thing about his decision. In fact, he had been trying not to think about it too much until the time to leave came closer but he’d be lying to himself if he hadn’t considered it already. Even before he had already purchased the ticket, he knew he was going to leave eventually but it seemed like the sooner to confront this the better. Something inside of him was pulling him towards leaving so strongly, he wasn’t sure how much longer he’d be able to be happy in Jeju knowing there was something waiting for him out there. 

 

As Seungkwan lets his head lay upon Chan’s shoulder they let the words sink into reality. It’s silent, but it’s what they both need to come to terms with the reality that Seungkwan is going to be leaving soon. As Chan finally breaks the silence after a couple of moments with a long drawn out sigh, Seungkwan turns to him and looks into his eyes. 

 

“Do you really not want me to go?” 

 

Chan stares at him for a moment before chuckling softly under his breath. “You wouldn’t listen to me even if I did tell you to stay. I know you, Seungkwan. If your mind is already set on something then you have to do it 100%. That’s just how you are.” 

 

His words bring a relieved smile onto Seungkwan’s features. “You’re absolutely right. I would go anyways. I guess you really do know me, huh?” A soft laugh leaves Seungkwan’s lips at the predictability of things and they find themselves laughing about it just for a second or two. 

 

There’s another moment of silence as the two of the struggle to decide what to say to each other next. Seungkwan’s head is still resting on Chan’s shoulder. It’s not uncomfortable, but it’s just what the two of them need to do in order to come to terms with this happening. Chan purses his lips together in thought for awhile before nodding a few times. “Okay then, so go. Go and be happy and find everything you’re looking for. And whenever you come back, you better come back even happier than before.” He insists rather passionately until a thought suddenly crosses his mind. “Wait- when are you actually leaving again?” 

 

“Uh, in about a month.” 

 

Chan’s eyes widen a bit in surprise because that’s definitely much earlier than he had expected. Usually people plan to go abroad months in advance- not leaving just six weeks to scramble to get things together. But then again, Boo Seungkwan has always been as whimsical as ever. He just shakes his head back and forth rather defeatedly and allows himself to rest his head upon Seungkwan’s head with a smile. “Alright, then. I guess we’ve got a lot of work to do.” 

 

And they do have a lot of work. They spend countless hours searching into apartment rentals and colleges in Seungkwan’s price range, and where he’s going to buy his furniture and how he’s going to travel from the airport to the city and how he’s ever going to memorize those god damn complicated subway maps. There’s a lot of work to do and it’s definitely not easy. It’s not something Seungkwan could have done all by himself so he relies on Chan to help him figure all of this stuff out together. 

 

The two boys spend themselves huddled over their phones whenever the restaurant is free of customers and up to date on it’s cleaning, in which they swap ideas about living in New York back and forth for as long as they can. Seungkwan’s lucky that he has a best friend who is so willing to help him, but he’s even more thankful of these last few moments he can spend together making precious memories with Chan. If there’s been any realization over this past month, it’s been that Lee Chan is honestly a lifesaver and he’s going to miss him dearly. 

 

Including Chan in his planning only meant that Chan’s quite interested in visiting New York sometime soon himself. He’s already thinking about visiting in a month or two just to check up on how Seungkwan’s doing. As much as he tries to complain that he’s just in need of a vacation, Seungkwan knows that deep down he cares about how he’ll be doing living all by himself. 

 

As much as Seungkwan wants to show everyone his strong side, the day that he had to bid goodbye to all of this family and friends at the airport was certainly messy to say the least. 

 

When he hugged everybody and left them all with positive words and promises that he was going to do just fine, he only shed a few tears. He didn’t want to cry but it was unavoidable. Yet when he turned his back and took of into the world for the first time alone, he started tearing up to the point where he could barely see where he was walking through the airport, with full on blubbering and a completely running nose to make everything worse. He’s sure he cried at least twice on the actual plane ride too. Some of the nice stewardesses on the plane kept on stopping by to check on him with little treats to comfort him so he must have worried everyone who had to witness that.

 

Either way, Boo Seungkwan is a certified mess of emotions because he has too much love in his little heart to handle all by himself. 

 

He only sleeps a little in the plane which means he’s not too excited to enjoy the New York airport or the overpriced cab fare back to the apartment he’s decided on renting. It’s late at night when the bright yellow taxi cab pulls in front of an apartment complex that definitely looked much better online in pictures than it does in real life. He’s almost questioning that he’s at the wrong place until he reads the faintly flickering sign on the building. Seungkwan was actually very dedicated in his study of English in highschool so unfortunately he can read the sign and knows he’s exactly where he’s supposed to be. It’s here. In this not so slightly run down apartment complex tucked waaaay into one of the back corners of Chinatown. 

 

There’s no fun neon signs. There’s no cute little bodega on the corner of the block. There’s not even any big apples. Seungkwan’s interpretation of New York city is completely off. 

 

He’s stuck looking out of the cab window with his mouth open in shock, feeling kind of lied to and completely tricked by the pictures online. That’s until the taxi driver demands for his fair and motions for him to get out of the car already. Seungkwan still smiles and tips the driver generously, but he’s still feeling a bit disappointed as for first impressions go. Even the people aren’t so friendly here. 

 

Either way, Seungkwan is not going to give up yet. He’s learned to be positive at all times and to never let life get him down. 

 

He hauls his oversized luggage out of the back of the taxi all by himself- not even with any help from the driver he so generously tipped, and tries to enter the apartment’s lobby with as much eagerness that one can even manage at a time like this. As soon as his eyes meet with the bellhop at the entrance, he puts on a 100-watt smile and greets the man like nothing happened. “Hi, I am Boo Seungkwan and I’m moving in today. Can I pick up my key?” 

 

The office attendant barely looks up from the phone they’re typing away on and slides a key over to him. “Third floor. Room 17.” 

 

Despite not being acknowledged as a human being at all, Seungkwan doesn’t let his smile falter as he thanks the person and accepts the literal key to his future. He’s still trying to keep his first day in New York a happy memory at that, until he goes to board an ancient looking elevator and realizes that there’s a big  _ “out of order” _ sign taped over all of the buttons. 

 

Seungkwan sighs. Really loudly. But he still tries to keep positive as he hauls each and every piece of luggage up the three flights of stairs with nobody’s help other than he himself. And you know that still didn’t threaten to break Boo Seungkwan’s spirit for not even a second. If anything, he felt even more determined and independent than ever.  

 

So finally, it’s the moment of truth when Seungkwan slips the key into the lock and opens the door to room 17. The light that he switches on flickers for a solid twenty seconds before barely giving enough light to barely illuminate the room, but he’s not too scared of what he sees once it flicks on. It’s just empty and off white and overall rather dull but it’s nothing that some colorful furniture and fun decorations can’t fix. He’ll certainly have to buy a lot of lamps too. It also seems pretty clean other than some much needed dusting but that’s nothing that he can’t fix by tomorrow either. 

 

The outside of the building might look questionable, but as for the inside, Seungkwan is content. 

 

He’s got a tiny kitchen that’s practically included in the miniscule living room space. The bathroom is also so small that he can’t fully open the door without hitting it off the toilet, but that’s something that can be easily adapted to.The bedroom is as narrow as a hallway but it’s not like Seungkwan really plans on bringing a lot of people around to his apartment anyways. It’s perfect enough for just one person, and since that person is himself he can make anything work if he just puts in a little extra effort. 

 

As for now, Seungkwan’s got a million ideas in his head about decorating but he better focus on getting some much needed sleep first. All of that fun stuff can wait until tomorrow after all, and now that he’s without a job and without all of his friends and family and without any general schedules, it’s like he has all the time in the world. He unpacks the same set of blankets and futons he uses back in Jeju from one of his suitcases and arranges them neatly on the floor. A smile briefly passes over his features as he sorts them out; smells from home waft off of the blankets and it’s like he’s hanging up laundry to dry with his mother all over again. 

 

It’s just a reminder of home in this unfamiliar place that’s completely on the other side of the world. 

 

That night, he falls asleep almost immediately within the warmth of the comfortable, nostalgic remnants of home that take away all of his worries about starting this new life in New York. 

  
  
  


. . . . . 

  
  


Although Seungkwan falls asleep quickly, he certainly doesn’t stay asleep for long.  

 

There’s just so much  _ noise _ . 

 

It’s like there's a constant flow of traffic right outside of his apartment, with enough sound pollution from clambering trash trucks, honking taxi cabs, and an occasional ambulance speeding by every other hour. In addition to that there’s just people on the streets during the middle of the night doing whatever they’re doing and they’re just loud for no apparent reason. Seungkwan also pretty sure all of the businesses on his street do their stocking exactly at 4AM so that’s not going to be something to look forward to either. Whether he’s awoken by someone yelling or something rustling around in the garbage downstairs, Seungkwan finds his first night spent tossing and turning and generally struggling to adapt to. 

 

Although it’s only a few minutes past 5 in the morning, the sun is already starting to rise up when Seungkwan decides to stop fighting altogether and wake up for the day. It’s a bit surreal to wake up in someplace new after living his life in the same bedroom for the past twenty or so years, but he’s already rather excited about how these empty walls will start to change into something more colorful in just a few hours once the stores open up. As for now though, he’s still left to enjoy a few hours of early morning sunlight as he brings himself to his balcony and takes a look off into the cityscape that stretches ahead as far as eyes can see. 

 

Morning has just begun but there’s already a rush of people on his street hurrying off to wherever they must be going. There’s lots of business workers in fancy clothes and people walking multiple dogs and a long line of cars already forming on his block. He just kind of stays and watches for awhile because it’s so different than what he’s used to seeing compared to the slow paced mornings of Jeju. He’s a few floors up in the apartment complex so he opens his patio window wide and walks onto the miniature balcony space that he does have just to watch everything a little more closely. It’s like he can see for miles from up here. The autumn air is slightly chilly but he doesn’t even mind. The drastic difference of his surroundings is fascinating to say the least. 

 

Seungkwan takes a few pictures of the sun rising over his neighborhood in order to send back to Chan. It’s almost like he’s reporting back to him like he’s his mother or something but he can’t help but want to share the excitement with somebody. Although he knows the other is probably busy working right now, he sends them over on kakao and hopes to hear back from him soon. 

 

He simply hangs out on his balcony above the city and enjoys the scenery for another hour or so. Now he’s learned that the clanking in the garbage outside was probably due to that cute little cat he sees running back and forth. He’s also scoped out all of the signs he can read from his window and mentally makes a map of his neighborhood. He’s already decided his whole game plan for today. The first stop will be getting some breakfast, shopping for all the essentials and maybe some fun decorations too, and then figuring out what to do for lunch and dinner when the need arises to do so. As much as he wants to hurry and run off to the more touristy places, he better make sure his new home is at least well supplied and ready to be lived in first. 

 

There’s still a week or so before he has to actually start his classes at the community college he’s decided on, so there’s still enough time for exploring even after a long day’s work.

Overall though, as much as New York didn’t exactly give a good impression yesterday, Seungkwan’s ready to start today off as a clean slate. He’s going to go out and enjoy himself today so that he can forget about all of the stress from yesterday and he’s already ready to do so. He can’t help but to feel even more excited with himself as he notices the stores down below preparing to open for the day. He’s just so enthusiastic about what events might happen in just a few hours that he’s practically singing to himself. 

 

Actually, he is though. Rather literally. What started out as a simple hum under his breath eventually turned into some words and this furthermore turned into him singing on his balcony like an actual character in the movies. It’s kind of silly as he thinks about what he’s doing but this is  _ New York City _ . There’s just something magical in the atmosphere that makes people do crazy things here. Although he laughs a little bit under his breath at the cheesiness of things, he sings softly as he awaits for the rest of the city to wake up for the day. No one would be able to see or hear him all the way up here anyways. 

 

Or so he thought. 

 

The sliding door belonging to the adjacent balcony next to his own opens up. 

 

Seungkwan should admit that he’s actually a little scared of New Yorkers based on what he’s witnessed so far. He’s already prepared for someone to yell at him and hate his entire existence for waking them up so early, even though he wasn’t even being that loud in the first place. Maybe he even thought about trying to run away before they can catch him so he’s up from his seated position in less than a second. 

 

Then some guy’s head peaks out from the window and it’s everything Seungkwan didn’t expect. 

 

First of all, he’s already dressed well enough that it seems like this stranger was already up and preparing for work for some time now. Second of all, he looks to be about Seungkwan’s age- not to mention he’s like clearly some type of Asian race which is rather shocking to say the least. And third of all, the worst of all, this guy is doing nothing but smiling over at him. This leaves Seungkwan very confused and rather taken aback by his new neighbor in all ways.

 

“Sorry for being loud.” Seungkwan quickly throws out an apology before the stranger can get any words out first. “I thought it was too early for anyone else to hear my singing and there’s so many cars outside that I thought my voice would be covered by all the noise… So uh, sorry for disturbing you.” 

 

As he bows his head down slightly in apology, all he can hear is the new neighbor chuckling at him. 

 

Seungkwan quickly retracts his head bow of respect in favor of sneaking a peek at this guy instead. It’s almost like this guy thinks something is funny about this situation. Seungkwan himself can’t really see what’s so amusing about it and raises a questioning eyebrow at this weird, but undoubtedly somewhat-attractive guy. 

 

“I’m sorry for laughing but-- you just met me for the first time and just spoke an entire full sentence in Korean to me… without even asking if I was Korean first. It’s just kind of funny, that’s all.” The guy is still laughing a bit as he shakes his head back and forth for a second and now Seungkwan gets why everything is just so ironic in the first place. What’s even more ironic is that the guy had replied back in Korean and had actually understood him perfectly despite him starting this first. Now it’s Seungkwan’s turn to turn to him in questioning. 

 

“So you’re trying to tell me that you’re Korean too?” Seungkwan asks back, rather shocked at this point. “You’re trying to tell me that I moved all the way across the world in order to broaden my horizons but I still ended up being neighbors with another Korean?” 

 

“I mean, I’m only half but I’m kind of surprised by all of this too.” The guy admits with another soft laugh in a way that makes Seungkwan feel kind of comfortable in his presence already. It might be that or just the fact that they’re talking in a language so familiar in such a faraway place though. “I could of swore I heard someone playing Korean music outside though so that’s the only reason why I looked out the window though.” 

 

So he  _ had _ heard him after all. Seungkwan feels rather embarrassed knowing that he was being listened to and this person might have actually heard everything so he averts his eyes down to the ground instead. “Yeah, that was me. Sorry about that… I really didn’t think my singing was loud enough to wake anyone up with all the traffic down below.” 

 

“ _ Holy shit _ -” His neighbor exclaims out in English before catching himself and switching back over to Korean. It must be only habitual to cuss in English but Seungkwan finds his eyes interestedly flicking back up to his expression. “I thought someone was playing music, not actually singing. That was actual singing, right? Not just something prerecorded and played off of a CD?” 

 

The words are nice. Flattering even. But Seungkwan doesn’t really pay attention to them because he’s a little too busy laughing at the expression of shock on the stranger's face after learning that. “What-- you’ve never met anyone who could really sing in real life before? I find that a little hard to believe in New York, where people literally sing on the street all the time.” 

 

“I mean, yeah, but -- you get what I meant. I really love music so it peaked my interest. You know, meeting someone who likes the same music as me and happens to be in the apartment right next to mine seems like a pretty nice coincidence. It could be the start of a really valuable friendship.” The stranger suggests before a beeping noise seems to cut through whatever progress they had been making towards getting to know each other. Seungkwan watches for him struggle to find his phone within the pockets of his dress pants and fumble around for the device before reading the screen. The nice and friendly smile on his new neighbor’s face seems to falter for a moment before he regretfully shoves the phone back in his pocket. “Well, it seems like someone can’t come into work today so I’ll have to work my ass off even more than usual…Now that really doesn’t make me want to come in today.” 

 

“Oh?” Seungkwan asks rather curiously. “What do you do for work then?”

 

“Uh, chef at a restaurant.” 

 

Seungkwan’s curiosity is even more peaked. That’s why he’s already dressed rather nicely for so early in the morning. “Oh, really? I haven’t properly eaten since I arrived here last night and I was wondering where I should go for breakfast. Do you recommend your place?”

 

“Nah, we’re not even open for breakfast. But as for lunch and dinner, I definitely recommend everything that comes from our kitchen. After all, since I’m the one making it I have to like my own stuff, right? Next time I catch you out here I’ll let you know where to find it so maybe you can check it out sometime.” As the idea is being suggested to Seungkwan he nods a few times eagerly. Not only did he finally meet someone nice in New York, but this someone is also his neighbor. It seems like everything will start to come a bit easier once he makes some friends around here and this neighbor is the first step to that. 

 

But before Seungkwan can get too hung up on being happy about making a new friend, the guy checks the time on his phone and looks rather ready to leave. Maybe he even noticed Seungkwan’s smile faltering because he smiles back rather guiltily and plays at the collar of his buttoned white shirt. “Well, I should be heading out soon but if you’re thinking about breakfast you should check out this place down the street. It’s a bit of a tourist trap so you should probably go early, but I really recommend it.” 

 

“Noted. I’ll add it to my list of first day activities.” Seungkwan assured him with a nod after the guy had pointed out a particular sign for him to look out for later. “Anyways, I can see that you’re busy getting ready for work so I might as well go and get ready for the day too. It was nice to meet you, uh…. wait, I never got around to asking for your name... My name is Boo Seungkwan. What’s yours?” 

 

“Oh, yeah. Sorry I got distracted talking about other things too.” The stranger apologizes with a charming smile that Seungkwan’s already growing familiar with. “I’m Vernon. Vernon Chwe. Or Hansol if that’s easier to remember.” 

 

Seungkwan can’t help but to find himself smiling back as he recalls the name to memory. “Hansol. Nice to meet you then, Hansol.” 

 

As for today, they decide to part ways and return back into their own individual apartments. 

 

Seungkwan still has a smile plastered to his face even when he’s back inside and spread across his futon, rapidly sending messages to spam Chan with while he’s busy at work. At least Chan is lucky enough to have something exciting to check up on once he gets a break. Of course Seungkwan has to recap him on everything that happened in New York so far, such as complaining a bit about the unfriendly taxi driver and the lobby attendant, as well as all the strange noises he heard while trying to sleep, but all of the news that he was to report back to Chan isn’t all so bad. He mentions his neighbor,  _ Hansol Vernon Chwe _ , and how funny it is to be living next to another person who can understand Korean despite his original idea to get as far away from Korea as possible. 

 

He tells Chan that he thinks he’s found his first friend in New York. 

 

And the fact that he already has a good feeling about this new friend. …. And for some reason that he doesn’t happen to mention to Chan, he already kind of wants to meet this new friend again? 

 

Maybe the madness of New York City is starting to get to him but he finds a smile on his face for no particular reason. 


	2. singing for strangers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm forever behind in comments  
> there's only 1 week of my semester left so i'll do all of those after  
> i still really appreciate them so much and read them on my phone in the meantime tho!  
> seungkwan chose break free because he yelled it that time on broadcast and hansol told him to stop.  
> he's my fav ariana grande stan
> 
> @citruseungkwan on twitter and tumblr

Seungkwan takes Vernon’s suggestion up as he finds himself at the diner of the other’s recommendation only thirty minutes later. 

 

It’s not hard to find the place at all. Due to it’s rather gaudy and constantly flashing sign of a pastel pink and blue, there’s no place like within the whole block of run down and rather dated looking apartments. The decor is kind of  interesting because it looks like a mix of a fifties style diner but with a few modern elements here and there that clearly stand out. Also, the waiters and waitresses are even singing on the job! This place is practically Seungkwan’s heaven. 

 

He takes a seat down at the counter with a smile already on his face. The atmosphere is so friendly and fun that he’s already planning on trying to find a job here. Seungkwan’s got high hopes as he grabs a menu and starts to flick through it hurriedly, rehearsing the English he’ll need to use in his head before he’s even waited on. 

 

It takes a little while for someone to notice him because the shop is already filled up with what appears to be tourists, but he doesn’t mind waiting for a little longer at all. His new life in New York City is just starting and he has all the time in the world. 

 

A man with an infectious smile eventually sees him sitting in the corner and all alone at that, so he practically skips over to him without wasting another second. “Hi! Welcome to Rose Quartz & Serenity Diner! My name is Seokmin and I’ll be your host for this evening! I see that you’re looking through the menu but if you haven’t decided yet, I highly recommend our New York strawberry cheesecake pancakes! We even throw little bits of real cheesecake in there! Sounds amazing, right?” 

 

Seungkwan has to admit that he felt immediately welcomed in Seokmin’s company just based on that smile alone, but once he opened his mouth and started talking everything went completely blank. It was a lot of English and a lot of excitement and Seungkwan didn’t really know how to handle it. 

 

“Uh….yeah.” Seungkwan decided with a firm nod as he closed his menu. “Whatever you just said is fine.” 

 

“How about coffee with that? Tea? We have sweet or unsweet, black or green, whatever suits your needs. Oh, also water and sodas too! Or juice? We have-” 

 

Seungkwan just smiled rather sheepishly before jumping in and cutting him off. “Water is fine too.” 

 

“Alright, that will be up in a few minutes for you sir!” The male whose name tag read as Seokmin scribbled the order down in a notepad quickly before shooting another dazzling smile in Seungkwan’s direction. He didn’t exactly hate the enthusiasm here because it was clearly it was all some sort of act for the job, but at the same time Seokmin’s smile still made him want to smile too so maybe it was working. At the same time though, he started wondering if exactly he’d have it in him to work in this type of environment. 

 

Before the waiter could walk away completely though, he paused and turned back to Seungkwan like he had forgotten something. “Hey, what’s your favorite song?” 

 

“My favorite song?” Seungkwan replied black, blinking a few times because he was confused. “Well, I have a lot of favorite songs.” 

 

“Just pick one then.”

 

“Uh….  _ Break Free _ by Ariana Grande?” 

 

Seokmin just thanks him momentarily before turning on his heel and proceeding to belt off the song that Seungkwan had just named. It certainly caught him off guard, and he actually debated feeling embarrassed on behalf of him for having to do this as part of his job, but as soon as Seokmin let out that powerful voice half of the restaurant was clapping and cheering for him. 

 

Damn, that boy could sing. 

 

Seungkwan jaw nearly dropped to the floor as he started to serve some of the other tables while still singing the song, eventually going higher in range and hitting all of the high notes perfectly. It was almost as if it was nothing to him. The pretty sounds just escaped his mouth without any effort at all. 

 

By the time he returned back to Seungkwan with a heaping pile of strawberries and pancakes, Seungkwan was just about to change his mind about not wanting to work here. 

 

“Hey, are you guys hiring right now?” He couldn’t help but to ask before Seokmin was even finished setting the plate down. “I’m a singer too and I’m looking for work.” 

 

Seokmin chuckled under his breath, not in a way that sounded condescending at all but rather highly amused. “Everyone’s a singer in New York, kid. You don’t know how many times a day I hear that. You can try to sing for me right now but even if you are good, we’ve got a list of people a mile long trying to get hired here.” 

 

Honestly, that killed Seungkwan’s hopes a little bit. His eyes were traveling down to the sickening sweet looking plate of pancakes and he was just about ready to give up and enjoy his breakfast instead. But then Chan’s words started to resonate in his head and it would make him feel oh so guilty for not listening to his advice. 

 

This was about chances. This was New York City. If he had a chance at making it anywhere, it would have to be right here. 

 

“Then how about this… let’s make a deal.” Seungkwan decided as he looked up at Seokmin with a confident grin of his own playing on his lips. “Same song, same notes, just you and me. We’re each going to sing the bridge for all of these lovely customers and they can judge to decide who is better. If you win then I give up. But if I win, then you’re going to bump me up in that waiting list of potential hires to at least the top five.” 

 

Seokmin paused for a moment, as if he was really trying to decide if he was serious in this or not, but after a few seconds of not being able to help himself out any longer he just beamed at him instead. “Hm… well, I like a challenge!  But if you lose, you’re also going to buy me a plate of pancakes too. That’s what’s on the line here.” 

 

“Of course. Bring it on Seokmin.” 

 

Seconds later, Seokmin was behind the counter and ringing some giant bell that was reserved back there for whatever reasons they would need it for. Seungkwan assumed it was probably just for birthdays or something but in a place as crazy and loud as this, it was probably used for the most tiny of reasons just to get the customers excited. 

 

“Alright, attention here everybody! I’ve just been challenged to a sing-off so I’m going to need all of your attention focused right up here! Your favorite residential staff member Lee Seokmin, the wonderful, the bright, and the future broadway talent, will be going up against…” He paused in between his dramatic monologue to pause in front of Seungkwan and whisper. “Hey, what’s your name and where are you from?” 

 

Seungkwan cleared his throat and attempted to sound more visibly confident than before. “Seungkwan. Boo Seungkwan. From Jeju.” 

 

“Heh, I just knew you were Korean too.” Seokmin smirked at him before picking up the mic and starting to get the crowd hyped up all over again. “Our challenger comes all the way here from Jeju, South Korea! The land of sunshine, happiness, and lots and lots of oranges! Give it up for Boo Seungkwan!” 

 

As the guests of the restaurant started to clap and cheer for him too, now Seungkwan finally realized what he was getting himself into.  

 

Truth be told, he had only sung around close friends and family in Jeju. Of course he had an occasional talent show here and there and sometimes he sang when he was bored in the restaurant, but those people were all  _ his _ people. In Jeju, everyone knew everyone so even people he might have considered strangers knew his parents and his grandparents and probably even more throughout generations back. Jeju was like his whole extended family and he felt comfortable singing around everybody there.

 

But this was not Jeju.

 

This is New York City, full of countless strangers from nearly all around the world and all crammed to the brim of this messy, busy, crazy city. No one knew him here. He didn’t have a connection to a single soul. These were all people that knew nothing about him nor even bothered to care. He could be in this room surrounded by all of these people, shouting at him in a language that wasn’t even his own, and the fact that nobody knew him personally didn’t even manage to calm down his neves not one bit. 

 

For someone who wanted to get his voice out into the world so badly, he sure was having a lot of second doubts now. 

 

Seokmin twirled a microphone around in his hand playfully as he approached Seungkwan again. “You wanna go first or second?” 

 

“You go first. You’ve gotta defend your home turf after all.” 

 

Seungkwan could reply back with as much confidence as he wanted but the whole time he listened to Seokmin perform his own part in acapella, he had to admit that he was kind of getting the cold sweats and his stomach was starting to churn. He’s never been so nervous in his whole life before. It’s so easy to be himself in the place that he calls home but it’s so difficult here. 

 

He can barely smile back at Seokmin when the other finishes and hands over the mic. 

 

It’s really now or never though. He can either sing his ass of and win this or run out the door and be the laughing stock of this whole neighborhood. Also certainly all over social media too. At the end of the day, Boo Seungkwan knows he can sing his ass off and win this thing so that’s just what he’s gotta do. 

 

He lets out a shaky sigh as he allows for his eyelids to slip shut for just a moment. It’s his last chance to gather up some of that passion that had been tearing its way through his chest and dragging him towards this dream in the first place. He thinks about the comfort that Jeju memories bring. His family’s never ending praise of him. The proud smile that Chan would be directing only to him right now. 

 

So he just opens his mouth and sings. 

 

Seungkwan doesn’t have any method when it sings. Because Seokmin is a talented and most likely highly trained singer at that, he probably should have had some sort of game plan on how to outsing him. Although it’s a more reasonable thing to consider, Seungkwan has always felt singing with the heart has always suited his voice best. All he needs is a favorite song and his honest feelings and that will always be enough to get his voice out. 

 

He doesn’t look at the crowd as he sings. Maybe he doesn’t even have it in himself to look out and see all of the unfamiliar faces judging him in a time like this. He might be nervous and more vulnerable than ever, but he doesn’t exactly hate the feeling. There’s a rush irregardlessly. He’s felt more alive than he ever has in months. As he finishes his part of the song a more peaceful sigh of relief leaves his lips once all of the words are out there, completed and perfected and officially there for the audience to judge his sheer willpower alone on. 

 

He slips his eyes open once he notices there’s no noise when there should have been clapping or booing or at least something. 

 

All attention is on him. 

 

Seokmin’s mouth is hung wide open in shock. 

 

Seungkwan manages to smile a little and hands the microphone back to him, in which Seokmin accepts but holds out his arm for him to see. “I have actual goosebumps! Look at my arm, Seungkwan! I have chills all over!” Seokmin exclaims loud enough for the whole restaurant to hear. In which immediately after there’s a roaring cheer and applause of approval to follow after. The cheer sounds like they like him. The people actually liked his performance. Seungkwan’s cheeks are burning and certainly bright red and kind of feels like crying for some reason? Maybe it’s because it’s all so unbelievable he really did all of this and the fact that he’s so proud of himself. 

 

He surely has a lot more to tell Chan later.

 

“Listen, I don’t even have to ask to count a vote because it’s clear that Seungkwan is our winner. I’ve never heard this restaurant go so quiet before and it kind of freaked me out, but they’re clearly captivated by you, kid. You won this time so congratulations.” Seokmin smiles at him sincerely and reaches out to lightly to pat on his shoulder. “I’ll get you moved up on that list and how about I throw in free pancakes for a month. How’s that for a prize?” 

 

Seungkwan can only smile at him and thank him sincerely before he’s being roped into a conversation with some of the people sitting near him. There’s certainly compliments and questions about whether he wants to pursue music or not, as well as suggestions on where to audition or how to get famous here. The people try to talk his ear off a little but of course they mean well. He gets the impression that New York people are friendly and maybe even a bit too talkative if they’re passionate about something. It definitely beats the grumps he encountered on the first day. 

 

Oh, that is except for Hansol. 

 

He’ll definitely have to thank Hansol when he runs into him again. 

 

Eventually he gets around to enjoying the Rose Quartz & Serenity Diner’s loaded pancakes after Seokmin insists that the customers give him time to eat his breakfast before it gets cold. It’s too sweet, maybe even sickeningly so, but Seungkwan eats the entire plate of pancakes without even stopping to take any breaks. He’s just so happy that he doesn’t really have any other care in the world right now. 

 

Seokmin slaps the check down on the table in front of him when he’s finished and Seungkwan just blinks up at him in confusion. He said the pancakes were free only about half an hour ago. Seungkwan only has time to pout up at him for a second before Seokmin chuckles under his breath.  “It’s on the house, like I promised. I just need your signature and you’re all paid for.” 

 

“My signature?” He asks as his head tips to the side in questioning. “If it’s free why do I even have to sign?” 

 

“Because I want to put you on our wall of stars over there.” Seokmin assures him as he motions over to the wall plastered with receipts behind the register. “I mean, usually it’s reserved for celebrities or workers of the past but I think I witnessed something pretty special in here today. Certainly it’s something that these customers are going to remember too. It’s not everyday that someone comes in here with enough confidence and manages to successfully out-sing one of our staff either. Mind if I add your signature to our wall? Maybe it will bring some good luck.” 

 

Seungkwan laughs under his breath softly but he takes the sharpie marker from Seokmin and signs the back of his receipt with utmost care and precision. Certainly he’s practiced writing his signature over and over again when he was a kid, just in case he did manage to get famous someday, but this time he’s got to put in his best effort if it’s going to put on a whole wall of names holding much more fame than his own. He shares a smile with Seokmin, a real and not so fabricated one at that, as he watches him pick out a nice place on the way and staple his signature up there as securely as possible. 

 

Once he’s done, he turns back to Seungkwan. “When you get famous you can’t come back here someday and try to sell it online for thousands. It’s restaurant properly now and forever. Your signature was part of that agreement.” 

 

“Alright, I’ll make a promise right here and right now that I won't ever ask for it back….” Seungkwan starts out as he plays along with Seokmin too, now considering the male he once considered only to be just an over eccentric waiter as something more of a friend now. Or maybe even a rival. “...But when you become famous, you better not put your signature in a better place than mine!” 

 

“No deal, Boo! I’m going to cover your signature up with my own as soon as that day comes!” 

 

“Then you can’t take credit for being the first person to find Boo Seungkwan’s talent in public!” 

 

“Whaaaaat? I can’t even reap half of the benefit? You can’t even take away my bragging rights like that -- You know what, I take it back. Instead of covering your signature I’m going to put mine right next to yours! I play fair!” 

 

Needless to say, Seokmin poured him a tea and Seungkwan found himself staying at the diner much longer than expected that day. 

  
  
  
  
  


. . . . . 

  
  
  


Part of the fun about starting out in a new city is the fact that it makes the most mundane of tasks feel so much more exciting. Even the simplest errands like picking out groceries and finding furniture seem to feel much more interesting now that he can set out and explore a city filled with everything so completely new. It’s not like anything he’s ever seen before and he has the whole day to just wander around and let his whims take him anywhere he pleases. 

 

Seungkwan’s neighborhood isn’t in the best area of town. He knew that even before he moved in. It was all he could really afford because even the regular price of monthly rent in the city was still stretching his budget. Even if it wasn’t some super artsy and luxurious block to live on, Seungkwan was sure he could adapt here though. He could get used to anything because he was rather easy going in general. Surely, the neighborhood looked a little less safe at night time but as for daytime, it really wasn’t as bad as it could have been. 

 

He set off to find a grocery store first because most realistically speaking, food should always come before furniture and once he gets surrounded with all the cute decor items, he’ll probably blow much more money than expected. He was already dreaming of color schemes and what kind of potted plants he wanted to incorporate until he actually stepped foot into the first grocery store. It was completely overwhelming in the least. And also horribly expensive. 

 

Seungkwan had heard countless stories about New York City being expensive. Of course he prepared for that, but he didn’t really expect it to be even more expensive that  _ Seoul City _ . 

 

By the time he’s done loading up his cart he’s starting to see his dreams of an intricately decorated apartment fading away with each dollar that he spends. He can’t exactly justify spending more than $5 for cereals or cleaning supplies or even a package of sweets so he goes extremely out of his way to search for a dollar store after. He lets himself live a little there and doesn’t stop any urges from throwing in a bunch of useless little house decorations or junk foods because they don’t exactly break the bank. 

He makes a quick trip back to the apartment to drop off his purchases before setting out to find a furniture store next. Seungkwan knows that this is the part of moving into a new place that will bring him the most stress. He gets to watch his years worth of savings get substantially drained on stupid objects that are only used to sit on. Either way, they’re kind of necessary so at least he hopes to find the cheapest options available because even if Seungkwan has fantasies about decorating this apartment flawlessly, it actually only matters if the furniture is useful in the end. 

 

It’s only until Seungkwan is actually in the store that he realizes nothing is going to be in his price range so he tries another store a few blocks away. Then another. It’s just so unreasonably priced that Seungkwan is honestly contemplating keeping his futons and a cushion in the living room to survive on. It’s not until he hits the fourth store that he’s deciding instead of getting both a bed and a couch and a kitchen table, he might as well get a couch because he can do all his daily activities just on there. 

 

Seungkwan regretfully drops at least a few hundred on a couch he picked out in the clearance section and pays another hundred just for them to deliver it to his door. He’s not exactly too happy about throwing away all of his hard earned money on something so boring but that’s just what being an adult means. 

 

Once he finally makes his way back to his apartment it’s only about early evening. He still has a lot of work ahead of him before fully getting settled in here so he breaks out some rubber gloves and does a thorough scrub down of literally every surface. After that he unpacks all of this stuff and makes a place for each and every thing even though there’s not much space. By the time he finishes placing all of today’s purchases where they belong as well, he’s thoroughly exhausted. Not only did he do a fair amount of cleaning and organizing, but that involved a lot of singing (or rather belting) and dancing around in the process.

 

It’s been a long day. Chan still hasn’t replied to his messages. He still doesn’t know how he’s going to get that lousy couch up three flights of stairs with the elevator broken. Overall, he’s just kind of tired and slightly overwhelmed with how busy things were today. 

 

When he gets the call that his furniture has arrived and he makes his way back down to the lobby he’s only feeling a hundred times more discouraged. The delivery staff just literally dropped it off in the hallway and left. He can’t even bribe any of the workers with extra money to help him carry it up the stairs for him. As much as he literally wants to flop down on this overpriced couch in the middle of his apartment’s dingy and rather underwhelming lobby and just give up already, he doesn’t. 

 

Boo Seungkwan might be a fool to think that he can carry a whole piece of furniture up the stairs by himself but at least he has the determination to try. 

 

And make a complete fool out of himself. 

He tried pushing it up from the bottom only to have it slide down all over again. He tried standing at the top and pulling it up but the legs only got stuck on each step. Then he would get really close sometimes and lose strength at the last second and send it flying down the steps all over again. If he didn’t look like a fool in the company of only himself, he only furthermore looked stupid to all of the people who struggled to scale the staircase with him just taking up all of the room there. 

 

If this was Korea, someone would have helped him by now but  _ no _ . New Yorkers are heartless and they just watch him struggle and clearly in need of help but they and keep walking by anyways. It’s horrible that they just continue to mind their own business while he’s internally suffering behind the small smile he attempts to greet them with. 

 

Seungkwan has been so strong this whole time. He hasn’t cried a single tear since he’s arrived in the city even though he’s had a thousand reasons to already. Whether he felt nervous from sleeping alone in a foreign place, or getting lost while shopping and having no idea who to ask for help, or even getting stressed out over his finances, Seungkwan has been doing such a good job of holding his life together these past few days. He’s even been taking risks and putting himself out there but he’s still feeling so overwhelmed and anxious about the future right now. 

 

What’s even the use of following his dream if he’s already getting teary eyed about not being able to carry furniture up the stairs? How is he going to stay here and let his voice be heard if he can’t even deal with the most simple of things? 

 

He lets out a small sniffle as he finds himself sinking down to the floor and just giving up there. He might only be giving up momentarily, but this is still a defeat. It’s a hit to his pride that he’s tearing up over something so insignificant but deep down inside, he knows that it’s a combination of all of today’s other setbacks manifesting themselves into something bigger. It’s embarrassing to be crying already-- especially so in a public place, but Seungkwan can’t really help if a tear or two slides down his cheek. 

 

He really doesn’t know if he’ll be able to keep living here. 

 

As he hears footsteps approaching in his direction, Seungkwan is quick to dab away the few tears that did happen to escape but he doesn’t exactly pick himself up off of one of the steps he’s sitting on. Maybe if he can manage to look pitiful and dejected enough, someone will finally decide to offer him some help. He stops tearing up for the time being and glances up at the person approaching this time. 

 

Much to his relief and much to his absolute horror, it’s Hansol and he’s already smiling in his direction. Shit. Seungkwan has been recognized by someone he actually does know, and right in the middle of a possible breakdown. So much for keeping a good first impression. 

 

“Hey, Seungkwan. What’s up?” Vernon greets him as he starts approaching the staircase but as soon a he can get close enough, the friendly smile on his face slowly turns to an expression of concern instead. “Did something happen? Actually, that’s a dumb question-- what happened? Are you okay?” 

 

Seungkwan just laughs a bit under his breath at the irony of being found in such a bad state by someone he barely could even call a friend yet. Surely this is going to scare his one potential attempt at a friend away. He shakes his head quickly to prevent his neighbor from asking any more questions. “I’m fine. I just got frustrated about not being able to carry this all by myself. It’s nothing, really.” 

 

Vernon pauses for a moment, as if he’s trying to judge the situation before slowly breaking out in a smile instead. “Well, aren’t you lucky that I finally got off work to come home? Now that I’m here, it seems like there’s not much of a problem to worry about anymore. We can do it together.” 

 

As much as Seungkwan had been trying to avoid Vernon’s gaze in case he caught the reddening of his eyes from earlier, he had to look up and take a good look at him. Did he really want to help him or was he just pitying him? Vernon had clearly spent a long day at work, and just by looking at him alone was evidence that. The tie around his collar was certainly much looser than before, with little marks of imperfection on his white shirt that was perfectly clean this morning. Could Seungkwan really ask him of such a favor after seeing how tired he looked right now? 

 

It’s like Vernon can pick up on his hesitation so he just laughs a bit and extends a hand out for Seungkwan to take. “Come on, I can’t do it without you either. The sooner you stop sulking the sooner you can get this thing into your apartment and out of the stairway.” 

 

Seungkwan feels bad about making Hansol help him but it’s not like he has any other choice right now. After all, Hansol seems like a genuinely nice guy and he certainly wouldn’t be offering if he really didn’t want to help out. As Seungkwan finally takes the hand that helps him back up to his feet, he slowly starts to feel a smile of his own returning back to his features. 

 

“I really don’t know what I would have done if you didn’t come along.” Seungkwan admits as he walks to the top of the stairs to take on the harder role of walking backwards while carrying half of the couch. “You’re a lifesaver, Hansol. I probably would have literally laid there for the rest of my life and died before someone else offered to help me.” 

 

“You should have just called me then.” Hansol laughs softly to himself at Seungkwan’s overexertion of things before hoisting up the other end of the furniture. “I mean, I didn’t give you my number yet so that’s not really possible but if there’s a next time, don’t be afraid to knock on my door.” 

 

Seungkwan just shakes his head and lets out a soft sigh. “I woke you up this morning with my singing and now I’m making you carry my furniture for me. If I keep bothering you like this, I’m going to be the worst neighbor possible.” 

 

Vernon assures him that he probably wouldn’t mind anyways and Seungkwan actually kind of believes him. He seems like a pretty relaxed and easy going guy so that very well could be the truth. But even if that is so, Seungkwan doesn’t want to overstep his limits so he makes a mental note of not burdening Hansol any further. 

 

The actual task of getting the couch up three flights of stairs is still not an easy task even for the two of them, but it is certainly much easier with Hansol there to help him. Seungkwan literally could not do this without him and he’s so aware of that. He makes sure to apologize every time they meet a little difficulty or when he loses strength on his side and Hansol ends up overcompensating for his mistakes. With every apology, Hansol responds back with kind words of dismissal and then Seungkwan ends up thanking him a million times instead. 

 

By the time they finally get the couch into Seungkwan’s empty living room after only struggling for another ten minutes of trying to squish it through the doorway, it’s clear to say that they’re both equally exhausted by the time they finish. Seungkwan lets out a dramatic sigh as he plops himself down on the couch with no remaining energy left and Vernon follows by flopping down on the other side. 

 

They need a moment or two to catch their breath and relax, but eventually Vernon looks over at him with a rather accomplished smile. His light brunette bangs are somewhat sticky against his forehead with the perspiration from working so hard, but for some reason Seungkwan thinks that he’s still somewhat handsome despite the fact. 

 

“If you tell me that you have a whole entire bed waiting for you downstairs, I might just lock myself in my apartment and pretend I’m not home anymore.” 

 

Seungkwan finds himself laughing but he’s quick to assure him that it’s not the case. “No, I don’t even have a bed. I’ve lived twenty plus years using Korean style bedding and I’ve done just fine sleeping on the floor this whole time.”

 

“Besides, a couch is just like a two-in-one chair and bed anyways. No use to waste the money.” Hansol said as he took a look around the room. “It seems like this was just what you needed to finish up the room though. I can’t believe you did so much shopping on the first day. It must have been hell to carry everything back.” 

 

“Yeah, maybe I got a little too excited and bought a bunch of stupid things to treat myself for making it this far.” Seungkwan laughs softly to himself under his breath and tips his head over in Hansol’s direction. “I still couldn’t find any kitchen table in my budget though. I might just go back out tomorrow and pick up one of those one person folding tray tables. It looks kinda sad but it’s all I need for just myself living here.” 

 

“That’s ridiculous, Seungkwan.” Vernon says rather amusedly as he shakes his head. “You’re only going to make yourself more lonely about living alone if you eat on one of those lazy fold out tables. Get a big kitchen table so you can invite friends over someday and eat together.” 

 

“I would much rather get an actual table but it’s not exactly worth spending a few more hundred dollars on. Plus having to carry it up three flights of stairs again? I would much rather literally die and I’m sure you don’t want to help me carrying another large object up either.” 

 

“I mean, you’re right but that’s only half of the problem we have to worry about....” He started off with a bit of a smile playing on his lips that caught Seungkwan’s interest. “Listen, I happen to know this really nice vintage place a few blocks away. When I moved here I could barely afford anything either and got all my stuff from there. Maybe when the elevator gets fixed we could check it out together and fill in your kitchen with a proper table so it looks less lonely.” 

 

If Seungkwan really thought about it, it didn’t seem like a bad idea at all. He didn’t mind paying much less money for some piece of furniture that would probably only be slightly used. If he could trade in twenty bucks for an actual dining table maybe he could invite his future friends over for cute little dinner parties as well. 

 

“Could you take me there someday?” Seungkwan asks to Vernon a bit hesitantly because he still feels like he’s burdened him enough, but there’s a small matching smile starting to form on his own face. “I think I would really like that actually.” 

 

“Of course.” Vernon nods firmly, almost as if he’s confirming the date between them. “Then instead of waiting for the elevator to be fixed, let’s just go on one of these weekends. I mean, if we can carry a whole couch up these stairs then surely a table won’t be any worse than that.” 

 

“I still feel bad about making you help me so much though… I promise that if I do end up buying any furniture, I’ll make sure that it’s small enough that it won’t be too much for us to handle.” 

 

“Nah, don’t worry about it. I’m serious, Seungkwan” Vernon assures him as he lets his head sink down into the couch cushions even more relaxedly. “You can apologize all you want but I don’t mind helping you at all. I moved in all by myself with no one to offer me help either so I know how difficult it can be sometimes. Don’t be afraid to come and knock on my door if something comes up.” 

 

Seungkwan knows that Hansol is only offering him to do so because he’s a genuinely nice person but for some reason, he can’t stop his heart from feeling so warm and thankful towards the offer. He makes a mini promise in his head to buy Hansol dinner sometime or treat him to something else in the future just to make up for things. 

 

“Thank you, Hansol. Really, thank you so much.” He admits as he looks down at his lap and somewhat starts to play around with his fingers. “You’ve done so much for me and yet you're still offering to help me in the future. I can’t tell you how reassuring it is to meet someone after coming to this country all alone and with no one to really fall back on for help. I know we’re only neighbors and not exactly at the level of friendship yet but I hope we can consider ourselves to be friends after today.” 

 

“That’s fine but I kind of already assumed we were friends after meeting this morning.” Hansol says rather jokingly and Seungkwan finds himself rolling his eyes. 

 

“Well, yeah but that wasn’t official.” 

 

Hansol just raises an eyebrow at him. “Do people normally decide on a time to officially become friends or not?” 

 

“No but you get what I mean--” 

 

“Do I?” Hansol replies back almost sarcastically and Seungkwan just shoots a look in his direction that has both of them starting to laugh only seconds after staring at each other. It already seems like it’s so easy to play around with him. Their personalities are already a good match. Hansol is the first one to bring things back to topic after the interruption. “Okay, but with all joking and teasing aside, yes I do know what you mean and yes I would like to be friends with you too. Officially that is.” 

 

“Fine, we’re friends then.” Seungkwan decides with a nod and they both kind of look at each other for a moment, unsure of what to say next to further the conversation after such a blunt statement. Seungkwan can’t decide if the lack of words is making things awkward between them or not so he finds himself fighting for another question to ask Hansol. “Do you want to stay for some tea or water or anything else? I feel bad making you do all that work and not offering you a drink sooner…” 

 

“Hm, I would stick around longer but it’s getting kinda late and I have to get up early for work again tomorrow. Mind if I save that offer of tea for next time?” Hansol asks him almost like he’s making sure the offer is extended for any time in the future and it surely is. “Although I know I have to leave, my body just doesn’t want to get off of this couch. You might have to physically force me because my body feels like it weighs double in size after doing all that work.” 

 

“Or just stay and sleep right there. See if I mind.” Seungkwan replies back with a rather whimsical smile playing on his features as now he takes the role of offering a hand out to help Hansol up. His words might have been saved just for amusement but there’s something telling him he wouldn’t exactly mind if Hansol did want to stay and hang out a little longer. They’re already getting along pretty well and he’d like to get to know him more already. 

 

There’s really no avoiding how tired Hansol does look though and he certainly does need to hurry home to prepare for another day at work tomorrow. Seungkwan doesn’t exactly have any schedule of priorities so he’s lucky enough to have the privilege of staying up all night doing absolutely nothing if he wants to. Hansol doesn’t protest much either once he’s standing upright and he follows Seungkwan to the front door. 

 

“Hurry up and shower so you can sleep early tonight.” Seungkwan says as he leans against the door frame and wishes him goodnight. “I know the walls are thin so I’ll try not to make too much noise or sing anymore for today.” 

 

“I wake up a few minutes before six every morning. If you want to sing to an audience, maybe you should keep coming out to the balcony at that time.” 

 

Seungkwan knows that Hansol is just playing around with him so he pushes his shoulder a little bit in response and it just occurs to him now that they might actually be kind of flirting with each other? He can’t be sure exactly but either Hansol is really easy to get along with or he might be semi-attracted to him in someway already. Either way, he doesn’t exactly hate both of the options

 

“No promises…” He replies back as he tries to stop the smile that seems to be on his face far too much this evening from growing any further. “Goodnight, Hansol. Thanks again.” 

 

Seungkwan thinks that they’re going to leave things at that. They’re just going to say their goodbyes and Hansol will unlock his apartment and they’ll retreat back into their own places. He really thinks it’s going to happen like that except Hansol stops at the very last second before entering his own apartment. It’s like one of those moments in the movies where people go on their first date and they’re unsure how they should say goodbye. Should they go in for the kiss or the hug or just wait until next time? Seungkwan doesn’t know why but he’s almost sure Vernon is thinking the same thing he is so he lets his eyes shut and hopes for the best.

 

“So is Saturday good?” 

 

Seungkwan blinks a few times, completely snapping out of his illusion and unsure of what that means. 

 

Hansol just laughs with that nice voice of his that Seungkwan is getting too used to and shakes his head at him almost for being so clueless. “We’re going out to that shop I mentioned. Unless you don’t want to anymore.” 

 

“Oh, yeah. Sorry...I must have gotten distracted for a moment.” Seungkwan clears his throat before nodding a few times. “Yeah, Saturday is good. Just come and knock on my door whenever you want to go.” 

 

“Alright, I’ll see you then.” Vernon nods once before turning to enter his apartment with one last lingering smile. “Goodnight, Seungkwan.” 

 

And Seungkwan turns and enters his own apartment. Once the door is securely locked and he’s sure Vernon is far enough away to be unable to hear him, he runs to his new couch and falls on it rather excitedly. He pulls out his phone and calls Chan immediately. 

 

“Lee Chan, you are not going to believe this but I have made my first friend in New York but the bad news is that he’s also really handsome and I might be in trouble already.” 

 


	3. reading between the lines

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> seungkwan finally gets in contact with chan, takes some time to explore for himself, and ends up sharing an unexpected meal with hansol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, i just want to say that i love you so much.  
> thanks for reading my works and supporting me whether you're a new or old reader!   
> thanks for the endless support, whether you've come to contact me to be friends, or recognizing me at diamond edge, or with every little comment left here and there, or nice subtweet you wrote about me!   
> i really appreciate it so much ! i love you and thank you so much !   
> ( p . s . merry christmas happy hanukkah happy kwanzaa OR happy general day if u dont celebrate holidays ! ) 
> 
> \+ i'm on winter break for 1.5 months so updates will be more frequent  
> \+ in chasingchances, a lot of the beginning exposition is done so we will move towards the CONTENT next chapter  
> \+ new characters will be appearing soon, they're only svt characters but that's something to be excited about ??

“Lee Chan, you are not going to believe this but I have made my first friend in New York but the bad news is that he’s also kind of handsome and I might be in trouble already....”

 

There’s a few seconds of silence from Chan’s end of the phone. Seungkwan would like to blame it on the static as a result of an international call. It’s either that, or Chan is probably judging him from the all the way across the world, which is much more likely in this scenario.

 

When he hears Chan chuckle a bit from the other side, there’s a familiarity in the sound that makes Seungkwan miss him kind of terribly and surprisingly much more than he ever would have expected. 

 

_ “I can’t believe you’re going to call me and not even bother to greet me before going on about some new guy you’ve just met.”  _

 

Although Chan is surely kidding, Seungkwan can’t help but to realize that yeah he’s probably a shitty friend for not addressing him first. He finds himself making his way into his bedroom only to flop down on his pile of bedding because he knows this is going to be a long conversation. 

 

“I’m sorry but this is exciting! I thought you’d want to know how I’m surviving without you here! And hey- why haven’t you been responding to my messages? I’ve been dying to tell you everything already but you’ve just been reading them and not responding!” 

 

_ “Work is hell without you.” _ Seungkwan hears Chan admit as a tired sigh is quietly breathed out through the other side of the receiver. “ _ The new guy they hired to replace you is a bit slow at picking up with things so I had to do my part and cover up for most of your roles too. I’ve been reading all your messages though- I just don’t have time to work and bathe and eat and sleep and manage to reply in between everything.”  _

 

He frowns a bit even though Chan can’t visibly see him right now. “I’m sorry about that. I mean, I kind of knew that things would be a little hard without me but I didn’t think they’d be drastically different. At least I’m sure things will get easier as the new person gets used to things though....” 

 

_ “I know it’s not your fault. I’m just tired of trying to adjust to things as well. Forgive me if I complain a little because honestly, it just makes me feel better to wallow. You know that’s just my type.”  _

 

Seungkwan laughs a little at his comment and hears some rustling in the background from Chan’s end. It’s a little too early in the morning back in Korea and the both of them are probably in rather similar positions right now. He’s imagining Chan to be struggling to keep his eyes open but still waking up to talk to him, while Seungkwan himself if barely fighting off sleep any longer. It’s something that makes Seungkwan’s heart feel all warm and comfy and furthermore endlessly appreciative of his best friend. 

 

_ “Anyways, why were you calling again? Something about making a friend?”  _

 

It’s almost like Seungkwan lost track of time in his fondness for a second because he completely forgot his reason for calling in the first place. 

 

“Oh, yeah! A lot of stuff has happened in the last few days but I did meet a few people who I could consider to be friends so far. I figured you would want to know that I’m not completely lonely without you, so you don’t have to worry about me suffering alone in solitude or crying or dying and whatever.”

 

_ “Seungkwan, I never doubted your ability to make friends. I only have doubts in your ability to make the  _ **_right_ ** _ friends.”  _

 

Seungkwan’s mouth opens in a slight gasp. “Hey, what does that even mean?” 

 

_ “You’re too nice. You’re too nice to everyone and anyone.”  _ Chan says simply but Seungkwan is not completely satisfied by this answer at all.

 

“Okay, so elaborate please.”

 

_ “Remember how you treated that whole group of asshole seniors with your paycheck just to be nice to them and they didn’t even have the audacity to say hi to you in the hallway the next day? Or that time you forcefully rescued that cat out of a tree even though it bit the shit out of your fingers and you still tried to bring it home with you? Or what about the time when you developed a crush on that girl who would ask to copy your homework every day and immediately stopped talking to you as soon as the semester was over? Need I say more?”  _

 

As countless memories from his embarrassing younger days are brought up, Seungkwan feels his cheeks flushing with shame but he can’t deny that Chan wasn’t right. “No, I get what you mean… ‘Boo Seungkwan is too kind of his own good.’ You’ve said it maybe a hundred other times. I just can’t help it though, I love being nice and talking with everyone. It’s more fun to consider everyone as a friend from the beginning.” 

 

_ “I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that either but…” _ Chan trails off and clicks his tongue as if he’s struggling how to put his thoughts into words.  _ “I’d just like to think that especially in a city, and one as big and questionable as New York, you’d be more guarded than ever before and not really let anyone and everyone in. It’s good that you’ve met people that you think of as friends but it’s only been a few days… I just hope you’re being careful.”  _

 

“Hm, I understand where you’re coming from.” Seungkwan replies back after a small moment of thought. There’s a small smile working its way on his lips because he can feel the sincerity hidden within Chan’s words. He’s just trying to look after him and take his best interests to heart like he always has, but it means even more now that they’re separated by oceans and he still genuinely cares. “But hey, I’ve only met two people so far but I think they’re both nice people. One of them is more of an acquaintance and one is actually my neighbor, but either way, New Yorkers aren’t as scary as I thought they were!” 

 

_ “Do you want to tell me about them?”  _ Chan asks before chuckling a little behind the phone.  _ “Actually I take that back- I know you’re probably dying to tell me already so just go.”  _

 

Seungkwan snickers back at him because he’s been ready to just let it all out for what seemed like minutes already. “Long or short version of events?” 

 

_ “Preferably short but just do what you gotta do.” _

 

He has to take a deep breath in order to prepare himself before getting started on his recap. “Okay, so there’s this super cute diner down the street and it has a musical theme and I desperately want to work there. It’s kinda cheesy and the decorations are too much to look at but there was this guy named Seokmin working there and he sings really well and it’s the perfect place to get some proper signing recognition at. Somehow he managed to talk me into having a singing battle with him and I won and that was pretty big progress I think? Like I sung in front of a whole room of strangers and I wanted to die the whole time but I still made it through and I really did that? Chan, you would be so proud of me. I just wish I could have recorded it!” 

 

_ “Wow, that was a lot of rambling. Even more so than usual. But anyways, you know that I’m already proud of you so I don’t need any evidence to convince me otherwise. Continue.”  _

 

“So Seokmin might just be considered an acquaintance as of now, but I have a month of free food for winning the note battle or whatever that was so I have a feeling that I’ll be seeing a lot of him from now on. He’s just really nice and easy to talk to so I stayed there for a few hours and just talked with him. We like all of the same musicals and when he gets too excited about something his eyes do this cute little smile thing so I feel like we’re going to be a good match.” 

 

_ “I’m still kind of baffled that you openly went and competed with a waiter to win free food but I won’t think too much of it. The more I think about it, the more it sounds like something you would actually do.” _ He knows that Chan is kind of poking fun at him so he rolls his eyes even though he knows it won’t be visible at all. He just hopes that Chan can feel it.  _ “Anyways, is Seokmin the one you mentioned to be the handsome one earlier or is it your neighbor?”  _

 

“Ah, that’s the neighbor!” Seungkwan clarifies and he already feels himself growing more excited now that the more interesting details are coming out. “Okay, so one morning I happened to be singing on the balcony because I thought it was too loud for anyone to hear me, but I guessed wrong, of course. The guy who lives right next to me happened to be awake so he came out to greet me and guess what -- my next door neighbor is Korean! Honestly, what were the chances of that? His name is Hansol and he seems to be around my age and he said he likes music too so when he heard me singing outside he was curious and came to say hi.” 

 

_ “...I can’t believe you literally just left Korea in order to get as far away as possible and your neighbor ends up being Korean. That has to be a sign for something. Or a omen? I don’t know what that means but it’s unsettling.”  _

 

“Well, Seokmin is Korean too so maybe I just feel more comfortable approaching other Koreans as of now?” Seungkwan tried to reason, finding that a little peculiar now as well that he finally realized it. “I’m sure I’ll meet lots of different people in my class once I start school, but as for now it’s just easier to make friends with people who get me, you know?” 

 

_ “I mean, it does ease some of my worries to know that you’re hanging out with people you can actually communicate with more naturally but I would still keep your guard up. New York just seems like such a cold and busy city. I can’t help but to think that people have bad intentions and ulterior motives in such a competitive place.”  _

 

Seungkwan agrees with that statement in some ways. There’s certainly been moments when he’s thought the same way in some particularly tough situations. But as of his whole first impression, not all of New York has been so bad to him and for some reason he wants to convince Chan of that too. 

 

“But as for Hansol, I think he’s a really kind person. Of course I don’t know much about him other than some basics but I was really struggling today and he helped me carry my furniture all the way back to my apartment even though I insisted he really didn’t have to. Then he might have noticed that I was kind of having a hard time adjusting to things so he offered me his help if I ever needed it anytime. I think I do feel more reassured living here with someone like Hansol next door.” 

 

Chan takes a little longer than normal to respond but Seungkwan doesn’t question it much.  _ “So is he really handsome or do you only think he’s handsome because he’s nice?”  _

 

Seungkwan finds himself laughing softly as he rolls back more comfortably against his pillow. “You know, that’s actually a good question…. I haven’t really thought into it too much other than the fact that Hansol asked me to go out with him this weekend and I’m kinda looking forward to it? Do you think it’s too soon?” 

 

_ “Honestly, yeah but when are you ever one to care about following rules? Whatever you wanna do, you just go out and do it. I know that if you want to go out with your neighbor after three days of knowing him, then you’ll do it.”  _

 

Seungkwan’s nose crinkles slightly as his choice of words. “Then why does it sound so bad when you mention that he’s my neighbor? And the fact that it’s only been a few days? It feels like it’s something I shouldn’t be doing now.” 

 

_ “I mean, it’s only going to be super awkward if the date is horrible and you end up running into each other all the time…”  _

 

“Hey, I don’t even know if it’s a date or not! He’s just being nice and taking me to some interesting place to get furniture because it’s too expensive to buy it anywhere else. Besides, I think that we’re probably only going out to get to know each other more as friends because it generally makes sense to hang out with your neighbor if you have a common interests and are relatively the same age? Actually, the more that I think about it, it doesn’t seem like a date at all….” 

 

He can feel Chan deadpanning at him from the other side of the phone. Even though he’s silent and not saying anything yet, he can physically feel it happening. 

 

_ “Seungkwan, if you are attracted to this neighbor then I would definitely consider it a date.”  _

 

“Who said I was attracted to him? I just said he was handsome!” 

 

_ “...Finding someone handsome and being attracted to them is practically the same thing.”  _

 

“Not at all! I can look at someone and find them nice to look at but attractive means that I’m  _ into _ them. Like really  _ into _ them.” 

 

_ “So finding this guy relatively handsome and being somewhat excited to go out with him doesn’t mean that you’re attracted to him?”  _

 

Seungkwan is ready to ramble on with another quick and witty comeback but all words seem to end on his lips after that. Chan is right. Damn him for knowing himself better than actually himself sometimes.

 

Seungkwan just lets out a long sigh and throws his head back into his pillow dramatically. “Hey, do you think I’m a bad person if I take up Hansol’s nice and friendly offer while being attracted to him at the same time?” 

 

_ “No, because attraction means nothing when it comes to you. You’re attracted to like everybody. I blame all of that overwhelming love and affection you have in your heart for making you develop all of your crushes on the smallest of whims.” _

 

“Yeah, I’m like the king of unrequited crushes.” Seungkwan muses to himself as he finds himself staring up at the ceiling rather distractedly, still unfamiliar but growingly less so with the change of place. “Either way, I think it’s okay if it is a date or even if it’s not a date. It’s not like anything serious is going to happen even if find his face good looking.” 

 

_ “If you say so….”  _ Chan trails on, and before Seungkwan can even reply with anything else he manages to add one last thing;  _ “Just be safe, alright? I know it’s exciting to move to a new place and meet new people but try to be careful.”  _

 

“I will. You don’t have to worry about me at all. I’m fitting in decently enough and I’m sure things will fall even more into place once I start my classes. I’m doing more fine than expected so you don’t have to worry about rushing over here to come and save me.” Seungkwan replies back with the faintest of smiles as he brings his blankets over his form, starting to feel a bit sleepy and physically exhausted from all of the physical labor he had to undergo today. “I mean, I want to see you but I don’t exactly need you here with me, if that makes any sense. Maybe it feels a little nice doing things all by myself for a change, without mom or my sisters doting on me or ordering me around to do everything. The unpredictability of everything makes life more interesting I think.” 

 

_ “That’s nice. I’m glad you’re already starting to feel like your decision paid off then. I was kinda expecting for you to call me sobbing and swearing you couldn’t do it on your own and I would have to come there tomorrow or something.”  _

 

“It’s comforting to know that you would come all the way across the world just to help me, but I don’t think I’ll be taking up that offer anytime soon.” There’s a small pause and Seungkwan can practically feel Chan smiling at him in the same soft way that he always does. He’s smiling as well, and he’s sure the expression on his face would perfectly match Chan’s if he could see him right now.

 

_ “Well, I hope you don’t take me up on that offer either. It’s not like you to give up so easily so even if you did call me, I probably wouldn’t show up anyways. I know you could get over anything after an hour of complete nonsensical bawling and whining through sobs.”  _

 

“That’s reassuring to know…” Seungkwan just rolls his eyes, albeit in the most mildly affectionate way possible at that. “If that’s your way of saying you miss me then I miss you too.” 

 

_ “Hey, who said I missed you?”  _

 

“You did. You didn’t say it directly but I can tell because you’re trying to sneak little compliments into your teasing. You’re just bad at showing your affection so you have to do it in some weird twisted way.” Seungkwan replies back matter of factly with a small grin, and he listens on as Chan opens his mouth to say something but just ends up letting out a long sigh instead. “Heh, that sounds like I’m right, huh? But all joking aside, I do miss you too, Channie…. just in case you were wondering.” 

 

Chan lets out a conflicted grumble of what might be a mix of frustration or shyness but it only makes Seungkwan laugh even more.

 

_ “Whatever, just…. go to bed already, Seungkwan. It’s getting too late in your timezone.”  _

 

Just because his best friend isn’t so good at expressing his feelings sometimes, that doesn’t mean that it’s any less clear for Seungkwan to understand. 

 

It’s all understood, even without words being used to do so.

  
  
  


. . . . . 

  
  
  


Because Seungkwan moved into a completely new city without any friends or possible connections at all, that leaves him with a lot of free time until he ends up starting his classes. He’s free to sleep in until the late afternoon and stay up all night catching up on dramas if he wants to. There’s a lot of cleaning and general housekeeping to do, in which he spends most of the day organizing his things into their final places as well as constructing some cheap little decorations that he learned how to make from online. 

 

Now he’s got some clothespins hanging up pictures from home above his bed, dangling prettily right above his sight, the first thing he sees every morning when wakes up. He strung up some faint silver fairy lights around his living room that immediately created a more magical atmosphere at night when he relaxed with a movie. The fluffy pillows that he so desperately wanted but couldn’t afford are still on his couch, except he had to make them himself with supplies from a nearby fabric store. Overall, last week may have looked bleak in terms of decorating his apartment to perfection like in his dreams, but now Seungkwan is starting to get some ideas he can work with. 

 

When he’s not busy working on stuff inside, he generally finds himself just going outside to wander wherever his feet end up taking him. He starts to memorize the places within his neighborhood and finds himself exploring a little further and further past the boundary every day that he sets out. Amidst the rather run down part of town he calls home, he finds some hidden gems in the mix. There’s a bunch of cute cafes and artsy little shops if he looks hard enough. 

 

The day that he chose to visit his school was definitely an interesting day though. He spent about an hour trying to find the right subway to take, ended up having to switch the lines multiple times to correct his mistakes, as well as eventually riding the right train due to some kind local’s help. They pointed him to a one way long distance train that would eventually reach him to his destination. It was in that moment when Seungkwan realized his school was going to be very far away. 

  
  


In general, Seungkwan wasn’t exactly looking for anything amazing in his choice of school. 

 

He picked a community college because it was all he could really afford, plus he got some extra money towards tuition with a international student scholarship. He knew it was going to be small and not as illustrious as New York University or Julliard because he only wanted to study some basic English. Picking up something easy to study was necessary for staying in the country longer on a visa. He just expected heading out to university every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday for a few hours of lessons and working on the rest of his free days. He didn’t need the noted label of a well known school to achieve the bare minimums of starting life in New York.

 

It was only about one hour into the subway ride when he was starting to have second thoughts though.  He was only about half way there and the subway ride was already excessive in length. 

 

If looking on the positive side of things, Seungkwan makes a mental note that he could probably just finish all of his homework during his commute and this could really be some valuable work time. Except as for today, since he hasn’t exactly started class or accumulated any assignments yet, he’s left to nothing but himself and his headphones to pass the time with. He pops the two little earbuds in and turns up the volume enough to drown out the constant buzzing of side conversations and the grinding of the train’s wheels beneath. It’s just him and his music and that’s exactly how he feels happiest. 

 

It’s exactly because everything is so different than what he’s used to that Seungkwan finds that he’s rather fascinated by each and every little thing. It’s almost like the whole pace of life is completely different here. People constantly rush off to wherever they need to go, couples enjoy their time leisurely showing affection in the train, and the clothes and people look so different than anything he’s seen before. He’d never really noticed how fun some people watching could really be until moving here.

 

His train car eventually passes over a body of water and travels over the bridge connecting the city to one of the nearby boroughs. Right now he’s on the Brooklyn Bridge. Towering over the city and stretching over one of the largest rivers he’s ever seen in his whole life, Seungkwan finds himself nearly pressing his face up against the nearby window for a better look. If other people weren’t around, he would surely have his mouth wide open and maybe even gasping as well. It’s just so  _ amazing _ \-- to say the least. 

 

It’s peaceful up here. Linked between two busy cities and almost dangling over the water on a train track, it’s like Seungkwan has a perfect view of the city. Past the skyscrapers he can follow the water to far off towns, growingly more suburban as they fade into the distance and eventually blur out into lines of trees and finally allow a little greenery into the city. From below he can watch each and every little speck of movement, people enjoying the view of the bridge on foot, or the numerous boats down below, with an occasional plane or helicopter drifting above. He was lucky enough to time his trip rather early in the morning because the best part of it all is the rising sun.

 

It lingers just above the waterline of the horizon but it’s so vividly orange and beautiful. It shines off the metal skyscrapers lining the sides of each neighboring city and reflects it’s rays in a mix of pretty colored reflections onto the water below. It’s almost like a watercolor painting in a way. Seungkwan can’t stop realizing more and more things he can’t get enough of so he takes out his phone and snaps a few pictures for memory. Surely he’ll send some over to Chan, but he might even get some of these printed to add the string of pictures that’s starting to wind around his bedroom. 

 

As the train makes the journey from one part of the city to another, Seungkwan’s left feeling like he just witnessed something magical yet he’s left with a strange feeling of disappointment too. He’s happy, surely. He’s not exactly sure why something still feels out of place but eventually he realizes why something still feels lacking. It would be nice to share a view this beautiful with someone else too. 

  
  
  
  


. . . . . 

  
  
  


The next morning, he has plans with Hansol. Seungkwan had been anticipating this day for awhile now, and no, not just because Hansol is good looking and too nice and also super helpful. He’s only so excited because it’s his first day going out to explore the city with a local, and not to mention a new friend at that. He was up late last night, tossing and turning in his bed as he wondered about all of the interesting places Hansol would end up bringing him too. His dreams were filled with the bright lights of Times Square, or taking a ride out to see the gigantic Statue of Liberty, or even enjoying a calm afternoon of dining and shopping in Greenwich Village. 

 

It would be a complete understatement to say that Boo Seungkwan was fully enthusiastic to wake up and head over to Hansol’s place as soon as the clock striked 10. 

 

Just like the two of them had decided a few days ago, Seungkwan would just and come and knock on his door whenever he was ready. It was a simple instruction and there should be absolutely no confusion over what the plan was but Seungkwan was kind of nervous for some reason. What if Hansol forgot about the date completely? What if it wasn’t even a date in the first place? Or what if he already went out with someone else for the day and his apartment is empty? What if he’s actually not such a nice guy after all and is currently sleeping in like some lazy asshole? Either way, Seungkwan is a little apprehensive as he makes his way out of his own apartment and approaches Hansol’s instead. 

 

Honestly, he wouldn’t really care if Hansol stood him up. He’d probably be more offended that he couldn’t go out on some sort of adventure instead. 

 

Negativity isn’t really getting him anywhere though so Seungkwan physically shakes his head back and forth for a moment to get all the worries out of his head before finding his smile again. Then he knocks on the door. 

 

Hansol’s voice is muffled but there’s brief words of;  “Give me a minute!” before there’s also a bit of commotion on the other side of the door. He hears Hansol scurry around his equally small apartment as if he’s trying to put something together, possibly hiding a mess, or pulling on some clothes if he had just woken up. Seungkwan’s already kind of assuming for the worst to happen. If his previous track record of dating prepared him for anything, it would probably be learning that he has horrible luck in picking out dates in general. 

 

Just as he’s about to sigh and lower his hopes down after being left for another minute or so of waiting, a rather out of breath Hansol cracks open the door and greets him. “Hey, sorry for making you wait. I was working on something in the kitchen and I didn’t want it to burn….” 

 

It’s kind of funny how all of Seungkwan’s possible worries immediately died on the spot as soon as he saw Hansol looking at him with those soft eyes of his. If it wasn’t those light brown eyes that made his willpower completely wither away, it was the fact that Hansol was currently wearing an apron that was slightly stained on the front. He really must have been working hard in cooking something after all. Seungkwan can forgive him for making him wait for a little while but he won’t exactly show it without putting up some sort of front to tease Hansol with. 

 

“But now it’s already a few minutes after ten…” Seungkwan drawls out for a moment, letting his lower lip jut out somewhat in a frown. “It seems like I was the one who came late when it was actually only you…” 

 

“Are you actually pouting, Boo Seungkwan? Really?” Hansol raises an eyebrow up at him only long enough until Seungkwan nods back stubbornly in response, but then he’s chuckling in a way that’s so nice and warm instead. Seungkwan really can’t tease him any longer because now he’s smiling as too, as if it’s some side effect from seeing Hansol’s contagious smile as well. It’s almost as if they forgot what they were in the middle of talking about before, and as Hansol leans back against his door frame he starts to remember. “Anyways, I’m sorry I made you wait and all but I was making some breakfast in case you didn’t have a chance to eat anything before we go out. I mean, it’s just something simple that I wanted to try out and I don’t know if you’re hungry or not but.... would you maybe want to come in and join me?” 

 

Even though it’s such an easy question to ask, Seungkwan can see that Hansol looks a little bit apprehensive about whether or not he’ll accept the invitation. He might be unsure of whether it’s too soon to be inviting each other into each other’s places, or for whatever other possible reason he might have, but Seungkwan honestly just wants to laugh because he’s kind of relieved that Hansol seems just as nervous as he is. He honestly wants to get to know Hansol more and clearly Hansol does too, since he is inviting him into his house after all. They need to stop being so awkward around each other already and just throw all this shyness away. Luckily, Seungkwan is particularly talented at breaking down walls so he’ll just have to make the first move this time. 

 

“You’re right. I didn’t really think about eating much this morning because I was too excited to just go out and explore already. But now that I think about it…. I’m definitely hungry.” Seungkwan admitted with a small laugh as he looked up at Hansol. “Mind if I come in and join you?” 

 

“Of course!” Hansol insisted rather quickly and leaned all of his weight off of the doorframe in favor of holding the door open for Seungkwan instead. “I mean, I kind of prepared enough for the both of us anyways so I was hoping you’d say yes. I told you that I work at a restaurant so I would think that my cooking is pretty good after all.” 

 

Visibly, Hansol seems a little more excited that usual and it’s all rather amusing for Seungkwan to watch. Maybe Hansol didn’t notice the way his smile lit up as soon as he had agreed to come in and certainly he wouldn’t recall the way he somewhat hurried into the kitchen to motion Seungkwan towards a particular seat. But as for Seungkwan, he could clearly see the change in Hansol when he was talking about something he had interest in. It was kind of intriguing to learn more about Hansol just by watching him move around his tiny kitchen filled with a bunch of cooking supplies that Seungkwan had no idea about trying to use, let alone even name. 

 

Hansol tells him that he needs another minute or two to finish things up, so Seungkwan switches his gaze in between watching Hansol’s form busily working to scanning around the apartment that has such a similar layout to his own. Much like his own place, Hansol doesn’t exactly have such lavish taste in furniture either. There’s a couch and a few chairs, a tv and a rug, but other than that his apartment just has a lot more stuff than Seungkwan’s own. Whether they be books piled up next to the couch, or a stack of records sloppily stacked next to a vintage player, Hansol’s stuff is a little less organized than Seungkwan’s would be but he’s still not anywhere near messy. 

 

“How long have you been living here in this apartment?” Seungkwan asks out rather distractedly as his eyes move to examine some more of the minute details just to pass the time. He’s expecting the answer to be a long amount of time, since clearly Hansol has been settled in here for awhile. 

 

“Uh, four years? Maybe five?” Hansol tries to recollect his memory as he stirs something around in a large pot. Seungkwan can’t exactly see what he’s working on from where he’s sitting but the smell is starting to make his mouth practically water. There's hints of some sweet soup broth lingering in the air as well as some rich spices that remind him so familiarly of something he’s tasted before, yet he can’t exactly put a name to the smell yet. Either way, Hansol said he worked as a chef when they first met. It’s safe to say that whatever he’s making will certainly live up to expectations. 

 

“Hm…. so if I’m assuming we’re around the same age, then that would have been right after you finished high school?” Seungkwan asks out of curiosity and not just the need to make small talk. Hansol lets out a hum as an answer, which makes Seungkwan grow even more curious about him. “How did you even afford it back then? Right out of high school with no job or savings to your name?” 

 

“Because I wanted it so badly that I did it.” Hansol replies back and even though Seungkwan can’t really see the expression on his face, he can tell that Hansol might be smiling a bit as he talks. “I still had to work my ass off doing a whole bunch of random jobs, but I got by without asking too much from my parents.” 

 

“And you live alone too, right? Where are your parents living now?” Seungkwan starts to ask before he realizes that he has been asking a million questions already. “I’m sorry, I think I’m prying too much. You don’t have to answer anything you don’t want to.” 

 

“Nah, you’re just trying to get to know me so I don’t mind your curiosity.” Hansol glances over his shoulder momentarily, as if he’s shooting him a reassuring glance before turning back to his cooking. “I do live alone but sometimes I invite my friends over. You might hear them next time they come over because unfortunately they like to come over when they’re too drunk to get home by themselves. My place is just like their safe place to rest at. As for my parents…. Well, that’s a little more of a difficult question to answer. I grew up in the middle of America in some small town in some state you probably don’t even know where to find on the map. I’m not being mean either, like literally you will have no idea where I came from even if I did tell you.” 

 

“You’re right. I probably wouldn’t. I only know how to find New York and Texas and California on the map…” Seungkwan admits with a light sigh and Vernon finally lets out a bit of a laugh. “Show me a picture of your hometown sometime later?” 

 

“Alright, will do. But anyways, to make the answer simple as possible, I didn’t like living in my hometown much at all. My father traveled a lot for business and my mother did art. Dad was always leaving on business trips and sometimes he could take me along with him. Maybe I traveled too much when I was younger but I was completely set on moving to a big city. So I guess that’s the short story as to why I ended up in New York.” 

 

Seungkwan listened in carefully, nodding his head occasionally to show Hansol that he was listening every time he paused and decided to continue on with more. “Are they living in that town still?”

 

Hansol’s movements by the stove paused for a moment. “Ah, no…” As he trails off, Seungkwan thinks that he might have heard a sigh that Hansol was attempting to keep from him as he just decided to shake his head instead. “They’re separated now so… well, mom moved to upstate New York with my little sister and dad went back to Korea.” 

 

Before Seungkwan can say anything more, Hansol had finished cooking whatever he was working so diligently to prepare on the stove. He turned around with two heaping bowls of some type of rice soup porridge for the both of them to enjoy and Seungkwan was immediately distracted. He leaned over the bowl with a small gasp of excitement as the warm steam rose from the dish and waffed against his face in the most comforting way. “Hansol Vernon Chwe!”

 

Hansol’s head tips to the side as if he’s wondering why he’s being called but there’s a knowing smile positioned on his features already. 

 

“Is this abalone porridge? As in Jeju Island’s most popular breakfast meal of choice?” He asks out completely astonished at this point, mixed with confusion as to how he didn’t recognize the smell sooner and shock at how Hansol would even know how to make something like this. There was a lot of conflicting feelings somewhere between general surprise to something as extreme as being completely taken aback but there was one question that was much more important to consider. “How did you even know I’m from Jeju?!” 

 

As Hansol takes a seat on the other side of the table, he just lets out a laugh that warms Seungkwan more than the food in front of him and just shakes his head slowly. “Seungkwan, tell me. How do you think I would know that you’re from Jeju without you even telling me?” 

 

Seungkwan honestly has to think about that question for longer than he should have. He just feels like it’s a trick question in some way, and the way Hansol is smiling at him all goofily like that just has to mean something. Full of suspicion, he narrows his eyes at his neighbor and turns to interrogate him. “The walls must be incredibly thin and you were spying on me during my phone call last night?” 

 

“No- Seungkwan, I’m not crazy or some type of serial killer!” Hansol insists before turning around to grab some mini plates of side dishes he prepared previously. “Just think about it a little more closely…. How could I know that you’re from Jeju if you never exactly told me in words yourself?” 

 

Seungkwan gasps. “You’re from Jeju too?!” 

 

“...No.” 

 

Seungkwan gasps again, but slightly disappointedly this time. “You went into the office and asked the landlord to show you my file? Hansol, that’s still creepy…” 

 

“No, really, I didn’t do that either… Let me just tell you the answer already because we’re not exactly getting anywhere and I don’t want anymore horrible misunderstandings of my character to come out because of this.” Hansol lets out another sigh, yet this time it’s the type that comes after a long period of laughter when one needs to compose themselves. Seungkwan would much rather hear this type of sigh from him from now on. He likes to see the way Hansol is trying to pull it together yet the corners of his lips still try to reach up into a smile. “Have you ever noticed the way that you speak is different than how I speak sometimes?” 

 

“Yeah, because you’re more comfortable with English so sometimes you try and throw some English words into your Korean sentences.” Seungkwan replies back after finally trying a spoonful of Hansol’s soup. It’s too hot and it’s hard to talk while he’s cooling it down in his mouth, but it tastes damn good already. “You know, that kind of confuses me when you do that sometimes but overall, I think I like it. It’s creative.” 

 

“No, that’s--” Hansol struggles for a second, as if he’s ready to facepalm or just give up and surrender to his laughter all over again. “I mean, yeah you’re right about that but that’s still not the point I was trying to get at! I knew you were from Jeju because you have an accent when you speak! It’s not there all the time but when you’re surprised or emotional about something it slips out.” 

 

“Oh.” That’s all Seungkwan says before he moves in another bite of porridge, his eyes scrunching up into little eye smiles of bliss from the tasty food. “Now that makes more sense.” 

 

“You didn’t even realize it yourself?” Vernon questions out as he takes a look up at his guest. He finds himself watching Seungkwan’s rather interesting expression for a moment as he’s literally smiling into his food, completely distracted with the joy he’s finding in the dish. Noting that Seungkwan seems to be enjoying it means that he did a good job as well. 

 

“That’s not important. What is important is the fact that this porridge literally tastes like the one my own mother makes, if not even better? Are you sure you really made this from scratch or did you get this from some fancy restaurant?” 

 

“Of course I made it from scratch. I mean, it’s pretty simple when you think about all of the ingredients in it…rice, soup broth, seafood, and then some added spices.” Hansol lists off in his head as he starts stirring around in his own bowl. “I never went to Jeju before but I did some research into making it and it seemed easy enough. It’s my first time trying this recipe though so let me know what I can improve on.” 

 

Seungkwan only stops eating long enough to dead in the eye. “Hansol, literally nothing could improve this because it’s already perfect. You captured Jeju’s essence perfectly. I might just get homesick after I finish this. There might be tears.” 

 

“Well, I hope not. I thought making this type of soup for you would do the opposite and kind of combat all the homesickness away. I wouldn’t want to make it any worse...” 

 

As Seungkwan had picked up his spoon to fill up another bite, he paused momentarily in order to blink up at Hansol. Before he could even receive an answer to his question, a soft smile was already making its way on his face. “Did you…. Did you make this for me, Hansol?” 

 

Hansol’s eyes meet his own for a second before they flicker back down to his own food, where he diverts his attention to stirring around in the soup. “I was making it for myself anyways but I made enough for you in case you wanted to try it too. You know, I thought you’re probably missing Korean food already.” 

 

Seungkwan just rolls his eyes and scoots his chair a little closer towards Hansol’s side of the table. “You’ve got to be kidding me. That’s literally the dumbest excuse you could have even come up with.” Hansol can only chuckle a little bit and look away as Seungkwan continues to dig into him. “You just said it was your first time making this! Why would you purposely go out of your way to make one of Jeju’s specialties on the one day that you know I’m coming over? I swear, I’m not just being conceited here but it really seems like you kind of did this for me.” 

 

Hansol leans back in his chair and exhales slowly. There’s a small smile of what Seungkwan assumes to be of slight shyness about to bloom on his features. Both of them know that he’s been caught in the act and there’s no convincing Seungkwan otherwise now. 

 

“Yeah, I might have got the idea to make this especially for you.” Hansol eventually mumbles out after having Seungkwan putting him on the spot and staring at him rather expectantly for quite awhile now. “I know it sounds cheesy and dumb or whatever but I really did want to try making it so I could give it to you later. Your kitchen is kind of empty to say the least, and because you were coming over to meet me today I figured that it’s easier to eat it together now. Then you could tell me what type of corrections to make and I could send it home with you later.” 

 

“Really?” Seungkwan questions him back, still kind of finding it hard to believe that Hansol would completely go out of his way for him like this. “You really did this for me?” 

 

“I mean, yeah…. unless you think it’s too soon to be inviting you over to eat with me.” 

 

Seungkwan just smiles at Hansol for a moment and shakes his head. “No, I don’t think it’s too soon at all. In fact, I’m actually really touched that you were thinking about me and wanted to prepare something for me that reminded me of home. Thanks, Hansol. I really mean it.”  

 

Hansol smiles back at him but he’s the first to look away and break their shared eye contact, returning back to eating instead. “Don’t hesitate to ask me next time you crave something from home then. But as for now, I hope you finish eating it before it gets cold. The more time you waste while continuing to stare at me or smiling down at your food is kind of cutting into the busy day we have planned.” 

 

Oh yeah, that’s right. Seungkwan has a whole day planned with Hansol to go out and explore the city. He was having so much fun simply relaxing at home that he almost forgot about all of that. 

 

Either way, if this morning is a test of how well he’ll be able to get along with Hansol, he can’t wait to see where they’ll end up tonight. 

 


	4. unconditionally easy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> seungkwan gets to spend a whole day with hansol's undivided attention

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, i love you and thank you for giving this a read ! 
> 
> you can find me at @citruseungkwan on twitter and tumblr if you would like to approach me and be friends

Despite only meeting each other as of recently, Seungkwan seems to be enjoying Hansol’s company much more than he would have realized. By the time the two of them finish the delicious breakfast that Hansol had prepared, Seungkwan is feeling comfortable in the fact that the two of them are probably considered friends at this point. He really hit it lucky to meet someone as easy going and as friendly as Hansol. As they make their way down the three flights of stairs that lead to the street, Seungkwan notices that his cheeks are starting to ache a little bit if he really pays attention. It’s almost like hasn’t smiled and laughed along with somebody as much as this for such a long time. 

 

The beginning of the autumn season in the city is chillier than what he’s used to. Seungkwan has to tuck his hands into the pockets of a heavy wool jacket that he invested in as the two of them stand on the sidewalk. Hansol turns to him with a hopeful smile that makes Seungkwan think that maybe he’s looking forward to today’s plans as well. 

 

“So, where do you want to head first?” 

 

Seungkwan just keeps his hands in his pockets as he shrugs. “I’m sure you know better than I do, so just take me wherever you want.” 

 

“I mean, I could go and do that but wouldn’t it be inconsiderate if I don’t ask you what you want to do first?” Hansol asked with a soft laugh as his own hands moved into his coat pockets too. “I know that you’ve never been here before but I can only be a good travel guide if you give me some sort of idea with what to work with first.” 

 

“Well, I want to see everything.” Seungkwan simply replied back after a short moment of thinking. “It’s because I want to see everything that I think no matter where you take me, I’ll end up having fun no matter what we do. Just go ahead and surprise me!” 

 

Hansol pauses for a second as he resists the urge to sigh or laugh because it’s clear he’s not exactly going to get anywhere with Seungkwan like this. It’s kind of ridiculous to watch, because if any bystanders passed them on the sidewalk, they’d probably be wondering why the shorter male is smiling up at the taller so smugly and the fact that both of them are still standing there. Still doing nothing. 

 

“I guess let’s start by checking out the shop that I mentioned before? We can take the long way and do some sightseeing on the way?” As soon as Hansol suggests this, Seungkwan nods eagerly.  In no time the two of them end up walking a few blocks over to the nearest bus stop. 

 

Seungkwan hadn’t even known that a bus was even running in this area, let alone that this one existed here. He turns to Hansol curiously as the two of them simply stand and wait for the next bus to arrive. “How far away is the shop that you’re taking?” 

 

“Hm… It’s a little out of the way but since you said you wanted to see just about everything, I think it’s far away enough that we’ll be able to pass a bunch of interesting places on the way there. Taking the subway is quicker but there’s nothing to really look at since it’s all underground.” 

 

“You know, it’s kind of embarrassing to say this but I haven’t exactly been out a lot on my own.” Seungkwan admits with a light laugh and looks down at his shoes. “I’ve walked around or neighborhood a few times and I went all the way across town to visit my school, but other than that I’ve been spending a lot of time in my house as of this week.” 

 

“Why not?” Hansol asks. “Is it because of jetlag or are you nervous about going out alone in a foreign country?” 

 

“Well, I don’t think I have jetlag. I don’t exactly think I’m nervous about going out all alone either. Actually, I take that back because I’m a bit nervous about going out alone after dark but.... I don’t know really.” Seungkwan just shrugs. “I think I’m just not sure about where to get started in a city as large as this one.” 

 

Hansol thinks for a minute as he lets his eyes linger on Seungkwan’s expression. “Didn’t you come here for a reason though? Or didn’t you choose this city in particular for a reason? I’m sure you didn’t up and leave your whole life behind just on a whim.” 

 

A guilty smile forms on Seungkwan’s face as he simply stares back at Hansol, who visibly pales. 

 

“Oh, god, Seungkwan. Please don’t tell me you’re some kind of runaway and you actually left all of your family and friends behind without informing them first.” 

 

“Of course told them and I gave them at least three months notice!” Seungkwan all but giggles back in response as relief visibly washes over Hansol’s face. “I’m not some runaway either. I did leave on a whim, without much reason as to why I even picked New York City in the first place, but I do have a  _ reason _ , Hansol Vernon Chwe. I would be insane to up and leave my country for no good reason so I certainly do have one.” 

 

Hansol still looked confused, as if he was still trying to process all of this new information all at once. “But... you’re still telling me that you up and left Korea because of some reason… and New York was just a mere afterthought in the end?” 

 

“Honestly? Yeah.” Seungkwan admits unashamedly as he shrugs. “I think a lot of places could have worked for me but New York just seemed the most… dreamlike? It’s kind of hard to explain it but I’ve always thought that New York holds just enough of a challenge, maybe it’s even the hardest place to make it in the whole world. But at the same time, I’ve heard things like miracles can even happen here. It’s where the magic happens. I just hope some of that magic will be able to reach me too someday, or else I really did end up leaving my whole life behind just on a whim.” 

 

Hansol had been judging him before. Sure, he deserved that kind of reaction after telling someone that he literally left everything behind and moved to one of the largest cities in the world on nothing but impulse. If anything, he kind of expected that reaction every time he told someone for the first time. What he hadn’t been expecting was for him to speak so honestly and for Hansol to hear him out. To truly listen and let the words speak for his hidden reasons behind everything. There were no interruptions, no inserting self opinions. Hansol was truly listening to him and that was so clear by the way his eyes softened once Seungkwan let everything out. 

 

“You… want to be a singer?” Hansol had asked him after a moment of really thinking about his words. “Is that your reason for coming here?” 

 

Seungkwan smiles over at him, and for some reason he’s kind of sad that he doesn’t really know how to answer the question even though he should by now. “Maybe. In the end, I just want to be happy. Singing makes me happy. Entertaining makes me happy. Making other people smile after they hear my voice makes me happy. But I’m not sure what will make me happy in the end. I guess I still have to figure that part out, huh?” 

 

There’s a silence that passes in between them but it’s not uncomfortable in the slightest. Maybe Seungkwan is just content in the fact that Hansol is actually hearing him out right now. He hadn’t really expected to say something so personal in the first place, but because the other is taking him so seriously despite that, Seungkwan feels like Hansol was a good person to trust in. 

 

“Then I think you’re in the right place to find what you’re looking for.” Hansol tells him with a few nods, as if he’s still musing over the idea in his head as he’s speaking. “I can’t exactly tell you where to start or how to find it faster, but in this city I think just about anything could happen.” 

 

And Seungkwan thinks that he might be right. He might be right because for some reason, even Seungkwan himself thinks that things might be going in the right direction now that he has someone like Hansol by his side to support him. This friendship might be new for the both of them, but Hansol has already shown that he’s got his back. Seungkwan fiddles with his fingers inside of his jacket but he eventually looks over at Hansol and gives him a heartfelt smile. 

 

“I hope something does happen. Actually, I get the feeling that something definitely will.” 

  
  
  
  
  


. . . . . 

  
  
  
  


The bus that pulled up to the stop sometime later wasn’t anything more than an average city bus. If anything, Seungkwan had been expecting it to be like any other bus ride but with a little more excitement, since he was get a chance to explore more parts of the city he hadn’t experienced before. Hansol picked out two empty seats in the back and forced Seungkwan to take the window seat after a lot of persuading. Seungkwan only offered it to him to be nice, but in all honesty he really wanted that window seat all along. He had practically thrown himself down into the chair after Hansol had given him the lightest push to his shoulder. 

 

Public transportation on Saturday is busy. Not only is there a lot of people requesting for the bus to make intermittent stops, but there’s also heavy traffic on the road. An already long trip to their final destination was extended to almost double the amount of time. Being stuck on a city bus definitely wouldn’t be an ideal date in Seungkwan’s mind, yet surprisingly today is ending up more fun that he could have ever imagined. 

 

As they started their ride throughout the city, Seungkwan had been getting a little lost in his reactions. He was excited so when he saw something interesting he’d naturally take out his phone to snap a pic, or crane his neck completely awkwardly to glance up at something just out of sight. It was a bit embarrassing to feel like such a tourist and have Hansol chuckle at him whenever he let out a gasp whenever a crazy taxi driver almost hit their bus, or when he asked a million questions about some place he’d just seen. He was feeling rather self conscious about wearing his overly excited heart on his sleeve until Hansol started joining in and pointing things out too. 

 

Hansol had answered every question that Seungkwan had, and even the sort of unanswerable ones at that. _ Why is that building so tall? What is that person eating? Hey, have you ever been to that store before? _ No matter how out there his questions could be, Hansol would always try to give him some kind of answer, even if it was some humorous response. Laughter always seems to come easy with Hansol and his cheeks are starting to get kind of sore again. 

 

Seungkwan likes when Hansol leans in a little closer just to point out something in the window. The personal stories and random knowledge of useless facts he might share along the way are intriguing too, but sometimes Seungkwan finds himself distracted by the way Hansol’s eyes light up as he gets engrossed into a new topic. He might be listening in to every word that Hansol has to share when he talks about his experiences in the city, but he would be completely lying if his attention didn’t slip away to focus on his face sometimes instead. Overall though, Seungkwan decided that he could listen to Hansol tell him stories for hours and the bus ride is so long that he might end up doing just that. 

 

It feels like Hansol is the type of person that you meet and instantly become friends with. For whatever reason, they do have a natural connection that just seemed to click as soon as they met. Having a friendship like this makes even the most average of activities, such as riding on the bus, sharing stories, or even carrying a couch up three flights of stairs seem much more fun than it should be. The day might only just be getting started, but Seungkwan is already enjoying this day much more than any other day he’s spent in New York so far. 

 

He can’t wait to see where it takes them later, and he can’t wait to see where it takes him and Hansol. 

  
  
  
  


. . . . . 

  
  
  
  


The shop that Hansol had mentioned to him is surely unique. It’s like a mix between a vintage boutique and some sort of art gallery all in one. Seungkwan can’t exactly tell what is new and what is old, but surely his eyes are constantly distracted from all angles. He hasn’t exactly seen anything like this shop before and he’s kind of amazed by each and every thing. Almost leaving Hansol behind, he hurries over to the part of the store that has all sorts of weird books and movies and countless forms of old music. 

 

As he’s rifling through a pile of what seems like ancient cassette tapes and cds, Hansol eventually joins him by his side. “I really didn’t know what you would think of this place but it seems like you’re enjoying it so far.” His neighbor lets out a bit of amused chuckle as Seungkwan holds up a stack of keepers already. 

 

“I haven’t even  _ thought _ about some of these songs for years!” Seungkwan all but exclaims out. “It’s like we just walked into a living time machine!” 

 

“Yeah, and the best part is that most of the music here only goes for a few dollars. You should go get a basket and get them all.” 

 

Seungkwan practically shoves his pile of new purchases into Hansol’s awaiting hands and sprints off to get a basket for the both of them. 

 

They spend quite a while longer than expected searching through the endless piles of cheap music. Seungkwan much prefers cds since that’s the only thing that can play in his laptop, but as for Hansol, he clearly has a thing for collecting records. By the time an hour passes, they already have one whole basket filled with all of their stuff piled together and they’re nowhere near stopping. 

 

As they both search throughout the aisles, sometimes Seungkwan will gasp about something unusual he finds and hurries over to show Hansol. There’s a lot of laughter about old memories associated with songs or even the wacky cover art sometimes too. Seungkwan occasionally tries to impersonate some of the artists that Hansol mentions liking, which with his genius comedic capabilities, he’s got Hansol laughing along with him pretty effortlessly. Part of what’s so easy about being friends with Hansol is the fact that they’re such a good match when it comes to playing around together. They just get each other’s weird and completely stupid senses of humour. 

 

There’s a point where Seungkwan realizes that he needs to stop shopping because even though these are cheap and all, he still has to carry all of this stuff home later. After making a few last minute decisions to slip a few more into his hoard, he finds himself wandering over to Hansol’s side. 

 

“Hm, what’s this one?” Seungkwan asks as he leans a bit closer in order to get a better look at some interesting album cover art. 

 

“I’m not so sure myself. I just thought it looked weird.” Hansol admitted as he turned the album over to look at the opposite side. “What do you think? Should we check it out?” 

 

Seungkwan thinks for a moment before deciding. “Let’s get it!  We can bring it back to your place at the end of the night and find out if it’s horrible or not.” 

 

“Is it bad that I’m actually hoping it’s really awful so we can laugh about it though? If we bring this mystery record all the way home and it turns out to be good, I think I’ll actually be disappointed.” 

 

“Either way, not knowing only makes it more fun to find out in the end.” Seungkwan takes the record from Hansol and throws it into the heaping basket along with all the others. “Are you almost finished looking? I was thinking that I’m starting to go a little overboard and it’s time to stop.” 

 

“Yeah, just give me 5 more minutes?” Hansol turns to ask him almost as if he’s asking for permission or something, and Seungkwan can’t help but to think that the look in his eyes isn’t anything but kind of cute right now. It sends the corners of his mouth upwards into a smile almost uncontrollably. 

 

But of course Seungkwan looks away before Hansol could ever notice. 

 

“Sure, take your time!” He insists as his eyes travel downwards to watch Hansol sort through the last few albums. Although he had taken his gaze away moments before, his smile is still sticking onto his face. It seems like it won’t be going away so easily after all. 

 

They do a bunch of other shopping around in the store, as well as a few other stores that line along the same street. Seungkwan had already promised himself that he wasn’t going to be spending too much money during his first month. He was fully intent on keeping that promise but then he realized he was actually having too much fun in getting to know his new city. If he can make it this far, he should be able to buy himself some nice things after all!

 

After stopping by a few clothing stores, Seungkwan just had to buy some new clothes to wear. It wouldn’t make sense to come all the way to a new country and not update his wardrobe a little. Plus it’s cold so he can pretend he’s being practical by splurging on a few new things. What doesn’t help him through is the fact that Hansol always seems to offer him a genuine compliment every time he tries on something a bit out of his comfort zone. It’s got him thinking a few less than just friendly things about him - like the fact that Hansol really is not only rather handsome, but he’s also funny and honestly so nice and everything about him seems to be kind of attractive now. 

 

Seungkwan thinks about the fact that they really might be on a date today. He thinks he wants Hansol to consider this a date too. Surely, it’s not love at first sight and he’s not exactly even sure if he likes Hansol yet, but he’d be lying if he only imagined them to stay just friends in the future. If things played out either way his feelings wouldn’t be hurt. Yet at the same time, he’s kind of wondering how Hansol thinks of him as well. He thinks he would like it if Hansol felt the same way.

 

As they make their way out of the last store and back onto the main street, Hansol seems to notice Seungkwan starting to shiver from the cold only a few steps into their walk back. 

 

“That was the last shop you wanted to check out, right?” Hansol stops walking completely as he turns to him. 

 

For a second, Seungkwan thinks about why he’s asking. Before he can really stop himself, he’s frowning a bit as he realizes what this means. The day is about half over and they’re already out of activities, which means Hansol ready to go home. Even Seungkwan himself doesn’t know what else he wants to do but he doesn’t want to stop having fun already.

 

“I guess so…” He replies back with a shrug that’s as careless as he can manage. “Unless… there’s somewhere you want to go too?” 

 

“There is something I want to show you, but it’s a bit far away so we’ll have to take a taxi instead. Are you up for exploring some more or are you too cold?” 

 

As Hansol all but asks him to continue this day further, Seungkwan can’t nearly stop himself from beaming as he shakes his head back and forth. “No, I’m completely fine!” His words are a bit too excited so he tears his gaze away to look down at the ground instead, trying not to show too much of his feelings in case that would come off as being the opposite of cool. “Besides...I’m not even that cold anyways.” 

 

Hansol just looks at him rather skeptically for a moment but shakes his head with a low chuckle. “Alright, if you say so. But if you get too cold and want to head home at any time, just let me know.” 

 

“I won’t. You think Boo Seungkwan is afraid of a little cold?” He replies back rather stubbornly as he takes a few steps out into the street. Seungkwan wants to try hailing a taxi for the first time in his life, and if he’s watched enough movies in his lifetime, he knows he just has to raise one hand in the air and just walk halfway into the street. Then one will eventually see him and stop for him. It’s as simple as that. Or at least it should be. He watches three or four cars whizz by before he turns around and sees Hansol practically losing it behind him. 

 

“Seungkwan, no, we don’t do it like that!” Hansol manages to insist through a moment incessant laughter. He makes his way over to the Jeju boy only to pull him away from oncoming traffic with a light grip to his wrist and Seungkwan’s confused to say the least. He’s clearly feeling lied to by all of the movies but he lets Hansol pull him to safety either way.

 

“What? What do you mean I’m not doing it right?” He blinks down between the wrist that Hansol’s still holding and back up to his eyes. “I’m just supposed to go out in the street and put my arm up, right?” 

 

Hansol’s warm brown eyes crinkle into little happy eye smiles as he shakes his head and tries to stop laughing even more about the situation. “Seungkwan, you just marched into the street like you’re part of some parade. Not only was it completely overdone but you probably would have gotten hit by a car for real if you walked out any further.” 

 

Seeing that one of his actions, however accidental at that, can still make Hansol laugh this much is kind of rewarding in someway. Seungkwan would never let that show though. Instead he just tries to pout a little but ends up laughing along with him because Hansol’s laugh is kind of funny. 

 

“Then how am I even supposed to do it correctly? You can’t just tell me I’m doing it wrong and not even bother to teach me!” He can pretend that he doesn’t like Hansol’s teasing all he wants, but in complete reality though, he loves the attention whether it be at his expense or not. 

 

“Alright, alright. I’ll show you. Just let me try to forget the fact that you willingly walked into New York traffic without a care in the world and how hilarious that whole image is.” Hansol tried to take a few deep breaths in order to stop himself from laughing anymore, but as soon as he glanced up and locked eyes with Seungkwan he burst out laughing again. “God, I’m probably never going to get that image out of my mind.” 

 

Seungkwan can roll his eyes and pretend he’s not interested in playing around with Hansol all he wants. Instead, he takes advantage of the fact that Hansol’s still holding onto his wrist so he suddenly turns and walks off down the street, pulling a fully compliant Hansol along with him as he strolls up to a taxi cab that just parked a little ways down from where he had tried his dramatic attempt earlier. “You can laugh all you want, Chwe, but this taxi still showed up right where I wanted it to be.” 

 

“I highly doubt that is true but hey, on the way home I’ll teach you how to hail one properly.”

 

Even though Hansol isn’t trying to sound sarcastic Seungkwan is tempted to roll his eyes again. He doesn’t though. He knows Hansol is genuinely nice and he does want to look out for him and teach him how to actually survive on his own here. Either way, when he teaches him later he better not have the nerve to laugh this time or else Seungkwan might mock the unique way Hansol laughs. 

 

Seungkwan slides into the cab after Hansol motions him to go and take a seat first while he discussed the address with the driver. He watches on in interest as Hansol has a mini conversation with the driver in fluent English. It’s kind of fascinating to say the least. Watching someone he only interacts with in the comfortability of the Korean language to suddenly switch over to something completely different is almost captivating. It’s as if every foreign sound that falls of Hansol’s lips is new to him as well. Seungkwan likes it. He should probably start speaking to him in English more in order to work on his own skills as well. 

 

As Hansol slides into the seat next to him, he looks over at Seungkwan with a bit of questioning in his eyes. “Hey, is something wrong? You look like lost in thought or something.” 

 

Seungkwan hums a bit under his breath as he thinks, but then he’s quick to shake his head. “I was just realizing… I think I’m having more fun with you than I was expecting.” He admits honestly as he glances over to Hansol with a smile. “Thanks for taking me out today.” 

 

Hansol smiles back with a grin that fully reflects Seungkwan’s own. “Hey, you don’t have to thank me at all. I feel the same way. Wanna go out sometime next week too?” 

 

“Only if you’ll see me next Saturday too.” 

  
  
  
  


. . . . . . 

  
  
  


As soon as the taxi had stopped and Hansol had gotten out of the car first, Seungkwan followed him to what looked like a small park. By his first impression goes, Seungkwan didn’t exactly feel too amazed by anything he was seeing. There was just some trees and benches and an occasional walkway but other than that, it was as average as it could be. 

 

“So…. where are we?” 

 

“You haven’t recognized where we are already?” Hansol’s eyes widen a bit as he turns to look at him before chuckling under his breath. “I thought you were supposed to be an expert at finding all of the tourist things.” 

 

“Yeah, but I don’t recognize this place at all….” Seungkwan admits honestly as he continues following Hansol’s lead without questioning him too much anymore. “This isn’t Central Park, right? I heard that place is much bigger so I don’t think this is it.” 

 

“Of course we’re not there. That’s more like a whole day trip. But hey, maybe this will be more enjoyable for you. It’s a place that you have to see or else you can’t say you’ve been to New York.” There’s a hint of a smile lingering on Hansol’s lips, almost assuring Seungkwan that he’s in for some sort of surprise in just a few moments. That gives Seungkwan enough patience to stop asking questions already and just trust in Hansol’s travel guide skills. 

 

There’s not many people around in this little section of the park. Of course there’s an occasional jogger running by or someone walking dogs but most of the benches are left unoccupied. People seem to just be passing through this place instead of actually hanging out so Seungkwan is a little more confused after coming to that realization. The sky is a little cloudy because of the season and it’s a little chillier than normal. Maybe people just aren’t out because the weather. 

 

“We’re almost there so you don’t have to ask me when we’re here yet.” Hansol turns back to speak to him which catches Seungkwan attention almost immediately. “I know you love asking questions but let’s save them for when we actually get there.” 

 

Seungkwan’s footsteps only fasten as he matches himself to Hansol’s pace. It’s almost like Hansol is excited just as excited to show him this as well. After walking down another walkway, they make their way to the farthest end of the park that leads out to a large body of water. At first Seungkwan thinks that maybe Hansol just wants to show him a clear view of the gigantic river. That’s pretty great and all, but Seungkwan has been surrounded by water his whole life. Water from a different country isn’t enough to get him too worked up. But then he sees it. He sees what Hansol must have intended for him to see here. And his eyes completely light up along with his smile. 

 

“That’s the statue! The one from all of the movies!” He emphatically announces out loud as he runs over to the railing in order to get the closest view possible. It’s smaller than he imagined and it looks much more grey than green, but Seungkwan is amazed anyways. The Statue of Liberty is probably the most iconic place he’s ever been to in his tiny sheltered corner of Jeju. It’s an understatement to say that Seungkwan is having the time of his life right now. 

 

“Are you sure you can see it well? I mean, it’s kind of cloudy today...” Hansol joins him to lean against the railing as they both search over the harbor to focus their eyesight on the statue lingering in the faraway distance. He lets out a small sigh as he realizes that today’s weather might not be perfect enough to really enjoy the event. “It’s too bad you couldn’t have come a month or so earlier. Then we could have taken a boat ride out there to see it up close.” 

 

“Nah, that can’t be helped. To be completely honest with you, I’m just happy I can come here at least once in my life, no matter how difficult it might be to see. There’s so many beautiful places in the world that I never thought I would ever get an opportunity to even see someday. Even something small like this is almost like a dream to me.” Seungkwan confesses as he leans his arms against the railing and finds a comfortable position to watch the scenery on. Hansol joins him by his side even after letting another regretful sigh slip past his lips. 

 

“I’m still sorry that I can’t get you any closer to it. Let’s come back in the spring… or at least on a sunny day next time.” 

 

Seungkwan smiles to himself and nods momentarily before looking letting his gaze fall back to the horizon. The wind is cooler by the waterside but as it blows through the locks of his dark brown hair, he doesn’t feel himself minding the chill at all anymore. He already feels so warm inside out. 

 

After Seungkwan gets over the initial awe at finally seeing this for the first time, they play around and take a bunch of pictures for memory. There’s a million cheesy tourist pictures of Seungkwan and the iconic statue, including him trying to hold it in his hand or pretending to eat it and all of those funny poses, but there’s a few proper ones taken to keep forever. Hansol plays the role of his photographer and takes all the ridiculous photos while snickering behind the camera. If anything, Hansol actually brings out the worst in him and instructs him to take even more dumb pictures but by the end, the both of them are laughing like fools and Seungkwan’s camera roll is full of both of them in the stupidest of poses. 

 

They eventually end up walking a little more through the park until Seungkwan points out one of the classic city food carts and talks Hansol into eating street hot dogs. Hansol visibly frowns and warns Seungkwan of all the horror stories of where that street food even comes from, but in the end, Seungkwan convinces him that they literally only live once and it would be so funny if one of them died after eating a dirty New York City hotdog. Hansol eventually caves and purchases two for the both of them. 

 

They choose a bench overlooking the water and the statue as they settle down and dare each other to take the first bite. Seungkwan generally does everything on a whim and he’s brave enough to nearly eat half of his as Hansol watches on cautiously. Much like he would have predicted it to be, his first street cart hot dog is absolutely delicious and in fact, even better than any other plain hotdog he ever ate before. It must be the magic of the city playing tricks on him after all. Or maybe he’s just happy and really enjoying today. 

 

After he eventually convinces Hansol to try his, and he ends up loving it too, the two of them are left sitting on the bench in silence. It’s not like they need to talk in order to fill the empty space because it’s comfortable enough to just enjoy each other’s company in the park. It might not be necessary, but as Seungkwan grows tired of glancing between the river and his shoes and back to the statue, he finds himself wanting to glance at Hansol instead. 

 

Is this a date after all? It sure feels like one. But at the same time, Hansol never tried to put his arm around him or hold his hand or anything like that. Does Seungkwan even want him to? There’s a lot of questions swirling around in Seungkwan’s head and no conclusions until he just asks Hansol. But then if he does ask Hansol, then he might be moving too fast and scare him away and Seungkwan does  _ not _ need to be scaring away his first actual friend in America. 

 

But speaking of America, doesn’t everyone just do everything fast here? Adults can meet each other and decide they like each other on the first day, or so Seungkwan has observed from his love of pop culture. He’s seen enough sitcoms to know that people even kiss on the first date in this country. Maybe he’ll end up finding out by the end of the night if this whole thing really is a date or not… 

 

Seungkwan is startled when he feels Hansol leaning into his shoulder and starting to invade his personal space for the first time today. He blinks rather rapidly and glances to him, but Hansol just smiles at him and holds his own phone’s camera up to the both of them. 

 

“Let’s take a picture together.” 

 

“Why?” Seungkwan asks out of reflex, or maybe to spare himself some more time to think as he realizes Hansol is really coming in closer than he’s used to in order to fit them both in the frame. It’s a stupid question. Hansol just shrugs and laughs a little. 

 

“I don’t know. It just seems like a day we should take a photo to remember it by.” 

 

To make things simple, Hansol wants a picture of them together in his phone. That’s flattering to say the least, not to mention sending Seungkwan all of the signals that maybe Hansol’s kind of into him too. He lets himself lean back into Hansol only the slightest bit as they pose for the picture together. Hansol doesn’t take just one, but more like three. 

  
  
  


. . . . . 

 

Later that night, after they return from all the way across the city and back to their shared apartment complex, Seungkwan doesn’t have to worry about an awkward goodbye scene occuring in the hallway. They still have to head back to Hansol’s apartment in order to check out that mystery record they picked up earlier today. Although Seungkwan had just spent time in Hansol’s apartment earlier today, he would be lying if he didn’t say he was just a bit nervous. 

 

Seungkwan might be absolutely lacking when it comes to dating, but he’s pretty sure that if this is a date, then going over to someone’s place at nighttime is when shit actually goes down. As Hansol unlocks the door and they both take their jackets off at the door, Seungkwan’s thoughts are kind of racing all over again. Dating among both genders is pretty tame in Korea. Half the time it doesn’t even feel like dating because the culture is so different and there’s less public affection allowed. Hell, Seungkwan would barely be able to kiss someone on the cheek after seeing them for weeks based on that pace alone. Now he’s alone in a completely different city -  let alone  _ country _ , and he’s pretty sure he’s not ready to have a full on one night stand after one date. He doubts he’s even able to look Hansol in the eyes for more than thirty seconds so any potential thoughts about hooking up with him already are immediately pushed out of his mind. 

 

Hansol tells him to get comfortable in his living room as he busies himself with heating up some tea, so Seungkwan tries to sit on the couch and distract himself with the large collection of music. Hansol mentioned liking music a lot before but based on his stuff, it seems like he likes it much more than he was getting at before. He’ll have to ask him about it later. As for now, Seungkwan carefully unwraps the vynl that they both picked out today and uses utmost care at getting it set up on the record player, much like Hansol had taught him how to before. 

 

Much to his surprise, the music isn’t laughably bad at all. In fact, it’s really pretty and it’s got a good melody that Seungkwan finds himself trying to hum along to under his breath as he waits for Hansol. 

 

“That’s it?” Hansol asks out as he returns with two mugs of hot tea, one eyebrow raised as he takes a seat next to Seungkwan. “It’s actually…. good?” 

 

“Unfortunate for you, but I actually think I like it. I might have to come over sometime to listen to it again.” Seungkwan replies as he carefully takes the cup from Hansol with a quick word of thanks. “But also, what’s up with you and all of this music? I know you said you liked it but I didn’t think you liked it this much. You seem even more obsessed than me.” 

 

“Well, I can’t sing. I can’t really play music that well either. I just love it. It’s hard to explain it really….” Hansol admits a bit frustratedly but Seungkwan cuts him off instead.”

 

“No, it’s not hard to understand at all. If you’re passionate about it then I understand based on that reason alone.” 

 

“I mean, I’ve tried to compose music too. I’m not that great at it but I have a few songs that I continuously try to work on. Then sometimes I try to write some lyrics too but…” 

 

“Before you say that they’re not so great either, I’m going to stop you right there.” Seungkwan admits with a small laugh as he places his tea down to cool for a moment. Instead, he turns to Hansol and sends him a reassuring smile. “Don’t worry, I’m not going to make you show me anything… But why don’t you have any confidence in your work? If it’s something you’re passionate about, isn’t that enough to make you happy? You found something that you really like to do and you even created something out of it. That’s something I’d certainly be proud of.” 

 

Hansol just shrugs his shoulders and sighs a little, seemingly frustrated by something Seungkwan can’t visibly see. “It’s…. complicated. I don’t know if there will ever be a day where I’m confident enough to actually show someone else. Not even you. How am I even supposed to know I’m doing something right when I’m too picky with my own work to even get any feedback?” 

 

“That’s fine, but I hope that you feel comfortable with showing someone someday.” Seungkwan decides with a resolute nod and a hint of a smile playing on his lips. “It doesn’t have to be me, but if not being able to sing your own songs is part of your problem… I mean, I might know someone who happens to have a pretty nice voice....” 

 

At this, now Hansol finally seems to lighten up as they two of them share a small laugh about Seungkwan’s not so subtle self plug. “You’re right, I do have a beautiful voice at my disposal. It’s too bad I still have a long ways to go with writing a song that’s as beautiful to fit it.” Hansol says that with words so genuine that Seungkwan is sure his cheeks might actually be flushing right now. He’s not sure if it’s able to show on the outside, but from the inside it’s burning hot and feverishly so. 

 

Seungkwan can only roll his eyes as he tips his head sideways to rest on Hansol’s shoulder. They spend the rest of the night talking, listening to more music, and even occasionally sneaking glances at each other. Nothing like Seungkwan had been imagining ended up happening but maybe this is even better than he had hoped for. Because sometimes, he even catches Hansol staring at him too. 

  
  



	5. come a little bit closer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> seungkwan attends his first day of class, finally gets to update chan on a few things, and spends a night in with hansol.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i made a curiouscat account if you ever want to speak to me anonymously : curiouscat.me/citruseungkwan  
> (but please don't be afraid to talk to me lmfao)  
> thanks like always and i love u guys so much !

Even though Seungkwan’s getting quite up there in age (twenty two isn’t even that old but he sure feels like it is compared to the other college freshmen), that doesn’t mean that he’s any less nervous about starting his first day of class. It sounds kind of foolish that he’d be feeling a little uneasy as he navigated his way around the small community college that he had only picked out as a simple necessity for staying in the country. It’s not really like grades mattered as long as he did the bare minimum and he was only taking a few beginner English classes despite already having a pretty good understanding of English in the first place. Maybe he’s only getting first day jitters due to the fact that he hasn’t been attending school since he was eighteen. 

 

You could blame it on being part of a whole different school system in a completely different country that made him a little less confident than usual. Either way, Seungkwan’s not exactly really feeling like himself as he makes his way across the campus to find his class. It’s not too hard to find his way around due to the small size of the school grounds. There’s basically one building for the science and math majors, one for the liberal arts students, and one much smaller building for all the international students. Seungkwan doesn’t even have to worry about getting lost, which does make him a little less worried about how his first day is going to go. 

 

He locates his first class much earlier than he should have. He only came so early just in case anything on his commute happened to go wrong, but now he’s here almost an hour before his first Conversational English class even starts. Seeing as though no one is in the classroom though, he just decides to take a seat somewhere in the middle and hopes for some of the other students to come quickly so at least he has someone to talk to. 

 

While scrolling through some of his social accounts he briefly thinks about calling Chan to pass the time. He’s been dying to tell him all about the day he spent with Vernon but lately they’ve been catching each other at all the wrong times. Either Chan is working when Seungkwan wants to call him, or then Seungkwan ends up sleeping when Chan finally finishes. There’s texts exchanged here and there but it’s not exactly the same. He misses ranting to his best friend and talking about all the crazy shit that happens at work, as well as sneaking in stupid jokes ever so often to make him laugh to the point where he can almost hear his smile on the other side of the phone. It’s rather strange to think about but he realizes that he just kind of misses hearing Chan’s voice. 

 

A light sigh passes through his lips as he continues scrolling through his list of contacts in order to pass the time. Certainly most of his friends back in Korea are sleeping, but looking through the list of numbers of past friends from his high school days or past flings from failed blind dates occupy some of his attention. There’s quite a few people that he intended to keep in contact with but never ended up doing so. 

 

After graduation he even tried meeting up with some friends outside of the high school setting but despite trying his best to keep in touch, he realized he didn’t have much in common with most of those people now that they weren’t forced to see each other every day. Maybe he was being too hopeful by still keeping their numbers saved in his phone. Either way, now that he’s moved away and started a new life he’s feeling like he’s finally ready to let go of some of those past memories that hold so little meaning now. With the swipe of a finger and not a moment of thought further, he frees up some space in his phone by deleting quite a few. 

  
  


It feels almost liberating in a way, yet kind of melancholic at the same time. It’s almost as if a weight is lifted off his shoulders as he cuts the ties purely formed by politeness away. He checks his list one last time and decides he’s done enough self improvement for today, plus if he deleted anymore his contact list would start to look kind of sad. He’s about to switch to another screen and stop lingering on the thought any longer but then he notices the characters of someone's name that pique his interest:  Chwe Hansol. 

 

Just staring at the name alone makes Seungkwan’s chest feel something strange. It’s kind of warm and fuzzy but overall something really happy. He’s always been guilty of catching feelings fast but it’s something even more sudden when it comes to Hansol. It might be because he was the first person that he formed a connection with, or the fact that he just feels so much more safe with someone like him to count on, but either way, thinking about Hansol seems to put him at ease. 

 

It would be so easy just to press the button and call him right now. He wouldn’t tell him that he’s feeling a little nervous about starting his first day at university, but just hearing Hansol’s voice alone would probably reassure him more than he could muster up all by himself. Conversation with Hansol is special because he feels like he listens so carefully and really thinks about what to say next. It’s like he really cares. Of course Chan cares about him as well, but Hansol is so thoughtful and they’re not on such casual of terms to the point where he’d just tell him to “get over it”. If he told Chan he was worried about going to school, he’d probably just laugh and tell him he’s too old for getting worked up about things like this. 

 

He really thinks about calling Hansol, but even if he wanted to it’s not like he could. It’s a weekday and Hansol is certainly in the middle of work. From what Seungkwan has gathered, he works as a chef at some restaurant in the nice part of town. Apparently things are really busy and it’s a tough job at that so he really can’t just call him and expect him to drop everything just to have a conversation. Plus he’s never even called him before and they just went out a few days ago. Maybe it’s too soon to be doing things like this. 

 

Seungkwan might be terrible at dating but at least he knows how to keep a casual front. 

 

 ** _[ seungkwan ] / / :_** do you have that picture you took of us? 

 

It’s just a simple text, and a rather innocent one at that. It’s not exactly screaming for attention or alerting Hansol that he’s actually kind of lonely right now. It takes about less than a minute for a response to come in. Seungkwan’s kind of surprised by how quick he responded.

 

**_[ hansol ] / / :_ ** yeah, ill send it over. why do you want it tho? miss me already? 

  * 1 attachment 



 

It’s almost like Seungkwan can see the stupid grin on Hansol’s face just from reading his message. Even though Hansol can’t exactly see him either, he momentarily rolls his eyes around before responding back. 

 

 ** _[ seungkwan ] / /_**  : i just wanted to share it with my family so they know im actually making friends . . . but whatever, that’s fine too 

 

 ** _[ hansol ] / /_** : miss you too, boo

 

Now Seungkwan is really glad that he’s not on the phone in an actual conversation with Hansol because he’s not even sure how he would respond to that. All words would probably die and he’d respond with some awkward mix of laughter and choking or say something too sarcastic and cringy all at the same time. Either way, it’s safe to say that Seungkwan’s fingers are left lingering over the keyboard for a little longer this time in order to think about what he could possibly say in response to that. 

 

**_[ seungkwan ] / /_ ** : you literally live next door to me. you can just come over and say hi anytime. 

 

**_[ hansol ] / /_ ** _ : _ yeah but didn’t you go to school today? by the time i finish work you’re gonna be tired already

 

Seungkwan raises an eyebrow up as he reads the next message. Oh, Hansol remembered that it was his first day of class. He thought that he had mentioned it casually in conversation once or twice but he wasn’t exactly expecting for him to remember. Does it mean anything that Hansol remembered? Probably not but Seungkwan’s still feeling a little impressed for some reason. 

 

**_[ seungkwan ] / /_ ** _ : _ yeah, but if you bring home takeout i might just let you come over and i’ll tell you all about it 

 

**_[ seungkwan ] / /_ ** **:** also, how are you writing this while working? go serve your customers!

 

**_[ hansol ] / / :_ ** okay but wait do u really want me to come over ? 

 

**_[ seungkwan ] / /_ ** : yeah, go ahead but only if you want 

 

**_[ hansol ] / / :_ ** i’ll be there around 10 ? just let me know if u get too tired and wanna cancel

 

**_[ seungkwan ] / /_ ** : i’ll stay up for you if you bring food 

 

**_[ hansol ] / / :_ ** yeah, i’ll bring some by for you because it’s your first day and all 

**_[ hansol ]  / / :_ ** have a good day at school boo, study hard ! 

 

They might be a simple exchange of texts send back and forth, but Seungkwan’s left with a small smile forming on the corners of his lips as he finishes messaging Hansol. Not only is it nice knowing that someone cares enough to remember the small details about him, but also goes to the point of calling him by a cute nickname? Boo Seungkwan is content to say the least. Having even a small and pointless conversation like this is just enough to get his mind off of worrying about the day. 

 

Plus he actually invited Hansol over to his house tonight? It was bold but he didn’t even realize that he basically asked Hansol until it was already out there and he had agreed to it so easily. Instead of worrying about when he’d have to plan another date with him he kind of did it accidentally? 

 

He wastes the rest of the remaining hour playing through a few games on his phone. Sometimes he exits the screen to take an occasional look at the photo he took together with Hansol. That boy’s got a smile bright enough to shine through the screen because somehow Seungkwan ends up smiling just from looking at it too. 

 

Without being exactly sure of home much time he wastes while doing all of this, Seungkwan eventually notices the presence of someone entering the room. There’s a guy much taller than himself standing in the doorway and looking almost as surprised as he is to see someone else here. As a natural reflex, Seungkwan lets his head bow slightly in greeting as he smiles over at his classmate. 

 

The guy doesn’t exactly say much in response except for nodding and smiling a little as well, but he still enters the classroom and takes a seat close enough in proximity for them to make some small talk. The male is Asian as well, wearing somewhat of a brightly colored oversized sweatshirt with some giant logo Seungkwan’s never really cared to memorize before, and accompanied with large beats headphones resting over his ears. It’s almost like Seungkwan has to wait for him to pause his music and slide the headphones off before he can even try to get some words out. 

 

He’s ready to greet him by Korean just out of reflex but he has to physically correct himself before he even speaks. “Hey, you’re here for English too right? It’s my first day so I’m hoping I found the right place…” 

 

The male just blinks at him a few times, almost as if he’s trying to recall some of the words that Seungkwan had said before in order to translate them around in his head. It’s only now that Seungkwan remembers that this is the most basic English class offered in the whole school and maybe his skills are a little past what they should be for this level. It’s his fault for studying so diligently back in high school and trying to trick the system.

 

Either way, the guy just seems to give up lets out a soft laugh that sounds somewhat adorable. “I can’t speak English.” If the strong accent in his voice wasn’t evidence of that already, Seungkwan would have already assumed he didn’t know what to say because they were kind of just smiling at each other and not really getting anywhere. 

 

He might not have been understood, but at least this kid seems friendly enough. He’s sort of got this shy smile and these nice attentive eyes that show he’s at least trying to listen so maybe he’ll respond back once he recognizes something. 

 

“Hi, my name is Seungkwan.” He tries again this time with a much simpler selection of words. “What’s your name?” 

 

Clearly, this is something he understands because his eyes light up before he actually responds. “I’m Minghao. Nice to meet you.” His greeting is short and sweet but either way, the fact that this is so new for the both of them is kind of funny. They just kind of look at each other and try to think about what to say next so the both of them share some awkward smiles and laughter while thinking. 

 

“Where are you from?” Seungkwan asks next, taking the lead for him. 

 

“Uh… China. In Anshan.” 

 

“I’m from Korea. Jeju specifically.” 

 

“Jeju?” Minghao questions back, seeming to recognize the place. “Really?” 

 

“Yup, Jeju, South Korea. You know where that is?” 

 

“Yeah. I went to there before.”

 

Seungkwan’s eyes widen a little bit in surprise as he turns around in his seat to face him better. “Really? You went to Jeju before?” 

 

“Yeah… uh… in my childhood time…” Minghao speaks slowly with the words as if he’s trying to get them out more correctly instead of speedily, glancing up at the ceiling as if he’s trying to find all the words in his brain as he speaks. “...with my family…. we ate… um, hallabong? Do you know hallabong?” 

 

Of course Seungkwan knows  _ hallabong _ . It’s just that hearing the Korean term for Jeju’s most popular fruit seems kind of funny inserted into Minghao’s sentence. It’s got him chuckling a bit as he nods his head. “Yeah, I guess you really have been to Jeju then. Now I’m wondering if you’ve accidentally been to my family’s restaurant as well.” 

 

After saying this, Minghao’s head tips to the side for a moment as he hesitates but then just smiles widely instead. “Sorry, I don’t understand you.” 

 

“No, no, you don’t have to say sorry!” Seungkwan insists quickly as he shakes his head back and forth, also laughing a bit as well because honestly, Minghao’s complete innocence is kind of cute. “I was the one who was speaking too fast, don’t worry about it.” 

 

Minghao just smiles more. “What?” 

 

He lets his head shake one more time as a soft sigh passes through his lips that seem to have a smile stuck onto them now. “Nevermind.” Minghao seems to understand that part at least because he nods cheerfully in response and turns to type something into his phone. They might not be able to fully communicate with each other yet, but Seungkwan likes watching Minghao’s amusing reactions and receiving rather unexpected and interesting answers from him. There’s something fun about trying to converse with someone in a language that’s neither of their own. 

 

He wouldn’t mind considering Minghao as a potential friend. Maybe he could even help him work on his English homework so they could actually start saying more to each other. 

 

Both of their eyes end up flickering over to the doorway as another person shows up for the class that’s still about ten minutes away from starting. This time it’s another person who happens to be Asian, which is surprising for Seungkwan but even more reassuring at the same time because he’s absolutely sure this guy is Korean. Even in a foreign country he has a good eye for picking out his fellow Koreans. Sometimes he just  _ knows _ . (But Vernon is an exception to this.)

 

He bows down his head a little in the direction of the guy that enters the room next. He’s a nice looking guy, even taller than Minghao, beautifully tanned and incredibly fit. Seungkwan could probably see imagine him in magazines or something like that. It’s too bad that he can only get a good look at his face for about a second or two before the male’s attention is focused on Minghao instead of him, in which he proceeds to beam at the male and hurry over to his side. 

 

“Hao! You didn’t tell me you were in this class too!” He’s clearly shocked but in a good way as he crosses the room to greet his friend. Minghao just shrugs with a playful grin on his face. These two apparently know each other already. The new guy nearly spills some of his extra large and overly sugary coffee drink he’s holding as he carelessly places it on the desk next to Minghao’s own before clambering into the desk. It’s almost as if the chair is too small for his long legs or something because it looks all off centered. Community college desks aren’t the greatest, or so Seungkwan has observed. 

 

As if he’s almost in disbelief still, he turns to Minghao with wide eyes a bit of an excited smile as he nudges his shoulder. “Why didn’t you tell me you joined this class?” 

 

“Surprise.” He says simply but he’s still beaming nonetheless. 

 

The two of them must be close already. Seungkwan can’t really imagine how close Minghao could get to someone with such a limit knowledge of English and no knowledge of Korean either, but he guesses it’s only the emotions that matter. Seungkwan watches them interact a little bit out of interest but once his eyes accidentally lock with the taller guy’s own, he’s being brought into the group too. 

 

“Hey, I’m Mingyu.” The guy introduces himself first with a nice smile that’s still somewhat confident despite trying to be friendly at the same time. “I haven’t seen you around campus before. Are you new?” 

 

Seungkwan wants to laugh under his breath at this. Of course their campus is small enough to know who’s new or not. “Mhm, it’s my first day.” He responds out before realizing that Mingyu is definitely Korean with a name like that so he just shifts over into his own language mid sentence. “But it’s nice to meet you, Mingyu. My name is Boo Seungkwan and I’m from Jeju.” 

 

It seems as if once again, Mingyu is being hit by another shocking revelation because his eyes widen yet again as he comes to terms with this information. “Holy shit, really?” He exclaims out like he really can’t believe it so Seungkwan just nods slowly.

 

“Did you not just hear me speak in perfect Korean to you?” 

 

“Well, yeah but… I thought you’re one of Hao’s friends and just trying to mess around with me.” He admits with a laugh as he shrugs and forgets about touching on that topic for now. “Anyways though, I’m just from Seoul so I’m sure that’s nothing interesting to you. I’ve never even been to Jeju so I can’t even say much about that to get this conversation moving forward.” 

 

Just like Minghao, Mingyu seems charming in his own way that Seungkwan can’t exactly put his finger on to explain. These two just seem interesting. Seungkwan’s only known them for a few minutes but he can see himself easily surviving this whole semester as seat buddies with the two of them. 

 

“How old are you guys?” Seungkwan asks out of curiosity, this time in English so Minghao can understand them as well. “I’m twenty two now so I’m probably older than you both…” 

 

“Nah, I’m twenty three already. Turning twenty four this year too!” Mingyu announced as if it’s something he was proud about. Seungkwan honestly wouldn’t have expected this from him because he still acts much like a teen would. 

 

“Nineteen.” Minghao replies back, apparently the youngest out of all of them. It’s not a surprise really because he looks just as youthful as any college freshmen would be. It’s just Mingyu that’s throwing him off because he would have easily expected him to be a fresh eighteen. 

 

Seungkwan blinks a few times in confusion as he tries to come to terms with all this information. “That’s… interesting. I was really expecting to be the oldest person out of everyone in our class because I decided to attend school really late and unexpectedly after all.” 

 

“Nah, international classes are always filled with people of different ages because we’re all here from a bunch of different countries and in different places in life. You’d probably only be considered old if you attend class with all the nationals.” Mingyu comments under his breath with a small laugh until Seungkwan turns to him and catches his attention. 

 

“What about you then? Why did you chose to come here and learn English so late?” 

 

“Ah, that’s an easy question.” Mingyu replies as he leans back into the chair that is definitely too small for him. “I didn’t know what I wanted to do so I completed my military service first. Then I still didn’t know what I wanted to do so I came here because I figured I should at least study  _ something _ . It’s just English but it’s more fun living abroad so at the end of the day, I think I’m still satisfied at least. ”

 

“Hm, that kind of sounds similar to my own reasons actually.” Seungkwan smiles as he turns to Minghao this time instead. “You came here to study right after finishing high school? Why did you come here?” 

 

“Girls.” Minghao replies, short and sweet like always.

 

That’s all he has to respond back with before sending Mingyu and Seungkwan into a fit of laughter. 

  
  
  


. . . . . 

  
  
  


Vernon said he was planning on stopping by Seungkwan’s place around ten orso. Normally, Seungkwan lived with his parents back in Jeju so inviting anyone over to his house at this time of night was not really allowed, yet alone inviting over a potential date. He’s not exactly sure why Hansol would even agree to still come over after a long day at work but they were still meeting up based on the confirmation of texts they exchanged about an hour ago. Seungkwan doesn’t even have class tomorrow, nor has he found a job, but there’s still butterflies in his stomach at the implication that he’s inviting a guy over to his own apartment for the first time. And at night. There’s a whole lot of new territory that’s he’s wandering into with this one and he’s confused to say the least. 

 

Naturally, he reaches to find his phone and calls Chan immediately. Surely he’s sleeping in through the morning and early afternoon after working a long night shift but this is necessary. Seungkwan’s lucky that he picks up only after a few rings. 

 

“Chan, I know you’re tired but this is an emergency. It is only a few minutes before ten, which is two hours before midnight and I might have ended up inviting a guy that I’m pretty sure I like into my apartment. Alone. Just the two of us. What am I going to do?” 

 

There’s a long silence on the end of Chan’s side before he audibly hears sigh.  _ “I sure hope you like him because that sounds like an open invitation to a lot more if you know what I mean.”  _

 

Seungkwan audibly gasps even louder than Chan’s sigh. “Shit, so you think so too? That’s not what I meant but after I started overthinking about it I realized I might be coming off the wrong way as well…”

 

_ “If you don’t want to do anything then tell him that as soon as he walks in the door.”  _

 

“I can’t do that! I don’t even think I could say that out loud...” Seungkwan insists, hoping his friend will stop being sarcastic with him already and get to helping him with this problem. “Okay, so how can I prepare for a super casual, almost like a just friends type of hangout that does not make me look desperate for more at all?”  

 

_ “What are you wearing?”  _

 

The question catches Seungkwan off guard for a moment but he blinks and looks down at his outfit. “Uh… black jeans and a white button down but I was thinking about putting a sweater over it to make it look more pulled together?” 

 

_ “Take that off and change into a t-shirt and sweats.” _

 

“What?” 

 

_ “I said take that off, then put on some sweats and literally the oldest t-shirt you can find. Then you can look so casual and so unbothered that it’s like you didn’t even prepare for meeting him at all. It will be almost like you didn’t care whether you saw him or not tonight.”  _

 

“That’s a horrible idea! What if he thinks I’m some kind of lazy slob?” 

 

_ “But what if he notices that you changed into a full on button down at 10PM just because you knew were going to see him? Any sane person would not be wearing a shirt like that so late at night. If you dress up like that he’s going to think you’re tryna look nice for him.” _

 

“Shit, you’re right.” Seungkwan realizes as he rushes into his bedroom in order to successfully pick out a new outfit before Hansol might show up at his door. “I think I’m going to keep the jeans to keep it looking half put together but I’m throwing on my adidas shirt right now. What else do you think I should do? I mean, I lit some candles to make my place look more put together too but do you think that’s too romantic? Maybe I should blow them out, huh?” 

 

As he continues rambling on, Chan just chuckles from the other side of the phone in the way that Seungkwan’s missed hearing so much. He pauses for a moment because it’s almost like just hearing that alone is enough to stop him from worrying too much in the first place.  _ “Seungkwan, just calm down. I’m sure you and your date are going to be fine… just act natural and stop stressing out about what he’ll think about you. He’s already agreeing to come to your place so late so I guess that’s evidence that he likes you enough too.”  _

 

“I mean, I can say I like him, even though it’s only a little bit.” Seungkwan confesses after he’s done pulling the new shirt he picked out over his head. “But we’re already pretty good friends so I’m not even sure if I would want to take it to anything beyond that, you know? I don’t exactly have a lot of friends to rely on if things go bad so I don’t want to ruin things before they even start.” 

 

_ “You have me to fall back on.” _ Chan reminds him.  _ “I hope he likes you back and everything turns out good for you but at the same time, if things didn’t exactly turn out so good then you know you have me, you know, worst possible case scenario of things. If you really needed me I could always come there and pick up the pieces.”  _

 

_ “ _ As much as I’m relieved to hear that, I don’t think I would get too hung up over Hansol if he said he only wanted to stay as friends. Things are still new and we’re still testing the waters at friendship even. I can’t really expect him to like me back after just a few times of hanging out. You know I tend to get attached quickly, or catch momentary feelings that only last for a few months at that. Hell, I’ve been rejected enough times to know that it’s not the end of the world after all. Besides, I have all of New York to experience anyways. Dating is like the last thing I’m worried about these days.” 

 

_ “Well…” _ Chan pauses for awhile, as if he’s still contemplating things and he’s not exactly sure how to respond yet.  _ “Just let me know what happens after he leaves. And update me on what you two actually did a few days ago. I need to decide if I like this new neighbor or not, or else I can’t give you my full approval as a best friend.”  _

 

“Alright, will do… but as for right now, I do have a good feeling about him. He’s so sincere when I talk to him. I feel so comfortable already and maybe that’s a bad sign that I’m already getting attached.” Seungkwan lets out a light sigh as he makes his way back into his living room, still feeling a little restless but overall more content now that he’s finally talked to Chan after days. “Anyways, I guess I’m just going to watch some tv and wait for him to show up.” 

 

“ _ Hey, Seungkwan? _ ” 

 

“Hm? What is it?” 

 

“ _ Just be safe. Don’t do anything you’re not ready for. And don’t watch netflix with him. I know how American guys think, just don’t do it. _ ” 

 

“Wait, what’s netflix?” 

 

“ _ Well, now you know what to look out for if he suggests it. _ ” 

 

They end the call there. Seungkwan’s a bit confused at what that last part could possible insinuate, but he doesn’t really dwell on it because he goes around his living room to do a few last minute tidying up attempts instead. They had decided on only an estimate of a time so it’s not like Seungkwan really knew when Hansol was going to show up anyways. The only thing he could do was to keep himself occupied and maybe sing a little as he paced around the room. 

 

When the knocks finally came to the door, Seungkwan might have froze and debated whether or not he should run to the door. His heart was racing and he kind of wanted to skip right over and open it with the most coy of smiles and flirtatious blinking of his eyelashes, but at the same time he feels like Chan would tell him to be cool and make Hansol wait for him instead. He decides to ignore all of these options and just go to the door like an actual normal human being instead. 

 

The door opens and he’s met with the sight of Hansol. He looks slightly worn out, with his hair falling a little flatter than usual and if Seungkwan looks closely enough he can start to see the formation of small eyebags under the male’s light brown eyes. Now he’s feeling somewhat more guilty about inviting him over after such a long day at work but before he can even get anything out, Hansol’s smiling at him so brilliantly that Seungkwan’s stomach is starting to do flips. 

 

“You know I can hear you singing in the hallways too, right? The walls are like paper thin here so don’t be surprised if someone calls in a noise complaint on you.” 

 

Seungkwan has to physically swallow some invisible lump that formed in the back of his throat in order to find his voice after seeing Hansol smile at him like that. “Maybe I should start singing out in the halls instead. I might actually be able to get some work that way.” He responds back equally as witty as his eyes scan down over Vernon’s form. He did bring takeout dinner for the two of them, and he definitely brought a lot of it. Without wasting anymore time, he invites him into his place. “So how long are you going to stand in the hallway and just smile at me like that?” 

  
  


“As long as you want me to?” Hansol responds back with a soft chuckle and Seungkwan reaches down to take one of the bags to help him carry them into his kitchen. It’s much more empty and definitely has less character than Hansol’s elaborately decorated one but this will have to do. “You can get started eating. I’m just gonna run over to my place and get changed out of my work clothes real quick.” 

 

Seungkwan nods and occupies himself with setting up the place settings for both of them. It doesn’t take Hansol too long to complete his task because he only changes into a pair of adidas running pants and a sweatshirt that looks a little too soft and comfortable. Seungkwan momentarily wonders about how close they’ll have to be before he can end up borrowing (a.k.a taking and never giving back) that hoodie of Hansol’s. Just the thought alone only furthermore convinces him that he’s definitely moving too fast this time and he needs to slow down right now. 

 

Instead he focuses on the small talk that they share as they start eating their late night meal together. 

 

“Hansol, I’m not going to lie… you kind of look like you went through shit today.” 

 

He just responds by shrugging a little bit. “This city can get a little crazy sometimes. Everyday can’t be so easy on the job when there’s crazy customers in town.” 

 

“Yeah, but you work there as a chef. Don’t you have some sort of control over how things run?” Seungkwan glances over at him curiously as he pauses eating. “Especially at a restaurant like yours in the rich section of town, I would think that you’re already high enough in the chain to kind of dictate things for yourself.” 

 

“Hm, I wish things could be that easy but no, it’s not exactly like that at all. I don’t really know how to explain it but… my position doesn’t really give me any special treatment over anyone else really. I’m sure they’d treat me the same as they do any average takeout boy.” He responds back with a small snicker as he looks over to Seungkwan instead. “What about you though? How’s your first day of classes?” 

 

Seungkwan has to think for a moment to really decide how he felt about the day as a whole. “I think I’m conflicted. The school itself is far away but the commute is really pretty to watch outside of the window. The campus looks kind of old fashioned and in desperate need of construction but my classmates are interesting and I have classes with students from so many different countries that I never even thought I’d meet people from before. I made friends with these two guys who seem to be kind of fun to hang around with, but the classes I have with them are too easy for my level. It’s like the English they use to speak to us is like they’re talking to children but…. I don’t know, I guess there’s some things I like and don’t like about it all at the same time.” 

 

“Hm, I’m still sorry to hear about that anyways though. You said you’re only going for a few hours every other day though, right? I’m sure it won’t be so bad once you start getting used to things. Plus even if you don’t find the class challenging at least you can have fun making friends.” 

 

“Yeah, maybe.” Seungkwan admitted as he let out a long sigh that he didn’t exactly realize he was holding in. “It’s like the only thing I’m looking forward to doing next time is talking to those guys and maybe even making some more new friends. That’s fun and all but what I really need to be spending my time on is making money. My savings account is really suffering sooner than I thought it would be…” 

 

“I’ll keep my eye out for any openings but I wouldn’t exactly get your hopes up about that either. Sometimes it even takes months for people to find something in a city as competitive as this.” Although Hansol says this, he doesn’t exactly realize the frown that starts forming on Seungkwan’s features until it’s already there. Once he catches it though, he immediately looks up from his plate to focus on Seungkwan instead. “Hey, that doesn’t mean that you’re not going to find something in time though. Jumping right into a singing career might be a little difficult now but maybe we can find something that you like enough to do until you find something better. What about working in a cafe? Or a bookstore? Maybe you could even work in a museum and be like a tour guide for the Korean guests.” 

 

“You know, I actually applied at that diner that you recommended to me down the street. I made pretty good friends with one of the staff there and he told me he could pull a few strings but I haven't been back to check up on that.” Seungkwan realized now that they were on the topic. “I think I better go tomorrow actually. The sooner the better.” 

 

“Sounds like someone’s worried about their future now.” Hansol contemplated after reading into the look on his face, pointing this out to Seungkwan in the process. Yeah, he certainly was but this is what he signed up for. He just came here unprepared and expected to do everything for himself. That still doesn’t mean he’s any less anxious about what could possibly happen though. Before he can even think about some way to reply to Hansol’s observation, there’s a gentle hand moving to rest on the top of his head, lightly ruffling through his locks of brunette hair and stopping to patting there momentarily before pulling away. 

 

Hansol’s gesture is trying to encourage him. His touch is so thoughtful and soft, telling him not to worry about it anymore, hoping to clear his mind of these thoughts away for now. Seungkwan’s thankful for him like this, yet at the same time the small display of affection has his face warming up on it’s own will, leaving him feeling all flushed and laying his emotions out on his sleeve so obviously. 

 

“I’ll try to stop worrying now but if I really can’t find anything within a month, I may have to start thinking about going home already…” He admits under his breath as he keeps his eyes down at the table instead, unable to lock eyes with Hansol when he feels like this. “That’s why I get stressed out about it sometimes.” 

 

“You’ll get through it.” Hansol reassures him, and there’s something about the way that Hansol says it that makes him want to believe him before he corrects himself. “We’ll get through it. I’m not going to let your dream die out so quickly either, you know. There’s no way I could just sit back and watch you try so hard all by yourself without fighting a little for you too.” 

 

Then Seungkwan finds his smile coming back again as he glances over at Hansol. It’s clear in his gaze alone that he wants to thank him but he wants to do even more than that. He wants to do everything in his power to return some of the kindness that Hansol’s shown to him so far but he’s not even sure of how he could do so. As for now, he lets his hand move across the expanse of the table to settle on top of Hansol’s own. He’s nervous and his heart is beating so loud that he can hear it in his ears but once it makes contact, Hansol doesn’t push him away. He  lets him keep his touch there without even questioning it. 

 

“Maybe if you focused on enjoying the each moment in the present more then you wouldn’t get so lost in thinking about your future so much.” Hansol speaks up suddenly, catching Seungkwan’s attention and forcing him to look up at him again. “And speaking of the present, I maybe have smuggled some cake out of the case at work in addition to finish up this dinner. You like sweets right? Why would you want to worry about anything else when you can eat cake instead?”

 

Now Hansol’s playful remark has got Seungkwan laughing all over again. Everything feels like it’s washed away and now back to normal even after sharing a small moment of laughter together like this. Seungkwan only pulls his hand away from Hansol’s own once he’s feeling convinced enough to let his worries go for now. “Yeah, that sounds like much of a better way to end this night instead.” 

  
  
  


. . . . . 

  
  
  


Tonight might have been nothing more than a simple dinner and some talking, but that doesn’t mean that Hansol’s company was any less enjoyable for Seungkwan. The time that they spent together wasn’t so long and he knew that Hansol had to wake up early in the morning and go back to work and start another busy day all over again soon. But even though he knew this, there was still part of him that didn’t want Hansol to leave. He knew he was being selfish but he couldn’t help himself from wanting him to stay at the same time. 

 

After about an hour or so, Hansol eventually decides it’s time for him to head home so Seungkwan walks him out. There’s this moment where he’s standing by his door and waiting for Hansol to unlock his own apartment where he wishes he could draw things out a little longer. He wants Hansol to do something. To do anything. He just wants him to give him that little extra attention that shows that maybe he’s kind of into him too. 

 

“Thanks for coming over and bringing me food…” Seungkwan draws out as he leans against the doorframe. Hansol finishes unlocking his door but he stops and turns back to him. “I know it’s late and all but I’m really happy you came over and kept me company.” 

 

Hansol just smiles at him, gentle as ever, and Seungkwan nows that if he really wants him to stop from leaving he better do something now. He knows Hansol will probably say something along the lines of that it wasn’t any problem, it’s no big deal, and he doesn’t mind coming over late at all. Seungkwan expects those answers from him but he doesn’t give him the time to actually say anything. 

 

“Hansol, can I hug you? Just for a little while?” 

 

The other male seems a bit taken aback by his words. After all, it’s probably more normal to just go and hug one of your friends without asking for permission. But for Seungkwan he’s not just casually asking as a friend. He’s asking for the type of hug that allows him to forget about all of his worries entirely and just rely on Hansol instead. Hansol can only nod momentarily before Seungkwan just gives up and falls into the arms that are waiting for him. 

 

It’s just what he needed. It’s the type of hug where he allows for his arms to wind around Hansol’s neck because he’s the shorter of the two. He rests his head down into the crook of where his nape and shoulder meet. It’s already so warm and inviting but then Hansol’s arms move around his waist and pull him closer. Seungkwan can’t even say anything more because he’s melting.

 

As for Hansol, one of his hands raises up as he gentle cards his fingers through Seungkwan’s hair. “You’re going to be fine, Seungkwan….” He says quietly under his breath as his fingers continue to soothe through the locks of hair. “You don’t have to worry about a thing.” 

 

And Seungkwan wants to believe him. 


	6. restlessly eager

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> seungkwan meets an interesting group at the diner, grows rather impatient towards earning some success, and somehow still finds a small happiness in taking care of somebody else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a bit of a plot heavy chapter that incorporates part of the movie that this story was based on   
> in my opinion, this is where shit is gonna start getting interesting   
> there are some new characters added within this chapter   
> (they might remind u a little of some old favs but that's on purpose)
> 
> if you want a visual for these new characters, i will add it in the end notes.   
> when u get to their intro in the story you can check there real quick if you're curious to how i visualize them but feel free to not look if you have more fun imagining yourself  
> it's at the end to be spoiler free so check at your own risk !
> 
> like always, thank you so much for checking out another chapter and all the support means so much to me!   
> @citruseungkwan on twitter/tumblr/curiouscat

Developing feelings for someone is an interesting thing. 

 

Although Seungkwan has been through the motions countless times before, it doesn’t seem any less intense when it comes to how he feels about Hansol. The night after their first embrace is spent tossing and turning in bed, filled with endless thoughts about how warm Hansol’s smile makes him feel and how nice it felt to be held in his arms. There’s certainly a sense of attraction that pulls him towards developing these feelings but there’s something deeper this time as well. It just feels right when Hansol is around. 

 

Seungkwan would be the first one to admit that he falls very easy. Unfortunately, he falls fast and he falls hard. It might be because he likes the attention or it just genuinely feels good to be liked by someone, but it might also be because he’s able to find the good in just about anyone. He gets attracted to all the little things when someone catches his eye, to the point where it’s hard to even realize the bad anymore. Chan has always said that his heart is too big for his own good. Sometimes he feels more like it’s a curse than a blessing though. He’s been in love and out of love so many times already that it’s hard to convince himself that he’ll ever be capable of anything more than just a few months of a fling. 

 

In the end he usually realizes that the person he values so highly doesn’t exactly think the same of him most of the time. He gets dumped for being a little too needy, too clingy, or he’s expecting more than most of his partners could ever give him. It always hurts a little in the end but he understands. He forgives, forgets, and gets over it. 

 

While he’s kept up by his thoughts and unable to sleep, Seungkwan realizes that although he might not want to, he can’t waste his time thinking about dating and Hansol only. He didn’t come all the way here just to meet some new guy and start a romance. He came here to work on himself and improve his life as much as he could in this beautiful city. 

 

The rising sun eventually starts peeking through the blinds and illuminating against the four tiny walls of his room. Deciding that getting any rest is going to be just about impossible now, Seungkwan pulls himself out of bed and throws on some warmer clothes. He knows a place that he can go to any hour of the day. 

 

Even at the crack of dawn the Rose Quartz & Serenity Diner’s neon lights are still as vibrantly lit up as they are at night. It stands out so vividly from every other place on the block to the point where Seungkwan almost feels as if he’s walking into some sort of alternate reality every time he enters the shop. His eyes have to momentarily adjust to all of the clashing colors and gaudy decorations but he ends up wandering over to the same stool at the same counter where he had sat days earlier. 

 

He hadn’t spotted Seokmin anywhere yet but that wasn’t exactly a surprise. Of course he didn’t expect him to be working there on the premises all the time, but even after waiting a few minutes for someone to come up and serve him it seemed like most of the staff were just fooling around in the kitchen. Despite being a 24 hour restaurant the 5 AM crowd didn’t seem to need much serving in the first place. There were one or two businessmen sharing the counter space where Seungkwan was sitting along with one rowdy and possibly drunk group of friends occupying a booth in the back. If it weren’t for the loud group of young adults occasionally yelling or cackling at each other’s jokes over the speaker’s bubble gum pop playlist it would almost feel like a ghost town in here. 

 

It’s about ten minutes or so later when one of the employees leaves the kitchen to check in on the customers. Seungkwan doesn’t really care that he’s left waiting anyways but he certainly doesn’t mind at all now that he recognizes it to be Seokmin after all. The male is busy with some funny banter back and forth with the supposedly drunk guys as he collects all of their empty plates, but as soon as he looks up and proceeds to turn back into the kitchen he catches Seungkwan’s eye. He beams instantly, in which Seungkwan chuckles a little in response to. “You’re back! I’ll be right over once I get rid of these!” 

 

He must have just went into the kitchen and literally threw the plates into the sink without cleaning them because within less than a few seconds he’s running (or practically prancing) back over to Seungkwan’s side of the room with a huge smile on his face. “I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever! I was starting to worry that you’d never come back and visit again.” 

 

“I was just here a few days ago! It hasn’t even been a week yet.” Seungkwan replies back with a small pout as he joins in on their playful exchange. “I even gave you my number and you haven’t messaged me once.” 

 

“That’s true but maybe I was waiting for you to text me first?” Seokmin responds back just as cheesily and as cheerful as ever as he leans against the counter across from Seungkwan. Just like last time he probably knew that they were going to end up talking a lot and no more work was going to be done so he might as well get comfortable. “How have you been? Actually, wait. I need to be asking why you’re here before it’s even morning yet. Did you even sleep last night?” 

 

“Well, off and on but I think generally no?” Seungkwan responds back with a light shrug. “Maybe the jet lag is finally catching up to me or something…”

 

Seokmin just stares at him for a moment before his eyes start to scrutinize him. “Are you sure that’s why you couldn’t sleep or is there another reason? Are you doing well in school? How’s your landlord treating you? Any creepy guys following you around? You can tell me it’s nothing but in my careful observation you seem to be much less cheerful that before.” 

 

Seungkwan can only laugh at this, slowly shaking his head. “No, I mean, I’m fine. I don’t really have any problems at all. School is fine, my place is fine, there’s no creepy guys. I’m actually very happy so you don’t have to worry about me at all.” He might not know Seokmin very well but the type of relationship they share is definitely unique. Seokmin’s the type to blurt out whatever is on his mind in the best possible way and Seungkwan admires that about him. Perhaps it’s easier to tell him everything because they barely know each other but there’s something that just clicks between them as well. “I guess I might be having some dating problems though, but I’m not even sure if they’re problems in the first place?” 

 

Seokmin’s eyes light up in excitement at this. “Dating problems? Come on, spill them to me!” 

 

It’s going to be a long story. Seungkwan lets out a long sigh before smiling up at Seokmin smugly. “Hey, shouldn’t you be asking what I want to order before I go and tell you the whole story? It’s not really fair if I just sit here and entertain you and I don’t even get a chance to eat.” 

 

Seokmin agrees that sharing this gossip will be much more enjoyable if they have something to snack on in the process so he runs off into the kitchen to fetch them two giant pieces of cake and some tea to accompany with it. Hansol’s words about forgetting about all of his worries and just enjoying some cake instead resonate in his mind momentarily. It leaves him with somewhat of a peculiar smile lingering on his lips before he can push the thought away for now. He goes into the whole story of how he met his neighbor and ended up running into him a few times and eventually ended up going out with him and everything that happened in between. Seokmin interrupts only when necessary in order to ask all of the pressing questions. 

 

“Okay, so Seungkwan, let me recall to get all of the facts correct. You ended up with an attractive and super nice guy as your neighbor. You went out on what you assume to be a date and had one of the best dates of your life with this guy. Then you invited him to your place late at night and he didn’t even try to cop a feel or grab a thigh or anything. And you’re still thinking that all of this is a problem in some way?” Seokmin asks implausibly as he shovels another bite of cake into his mouth. “Because that sounds like the exact opposite of a problem to me! He seems like a really sweet guy. You should give him a chance.” 

 

“See, that’s exactly the problem right there. It’s like I’m _too_ willing to give him a chance. In fact, I’m actually waiting for him to just do anything to let me know he likes me too. I feel like the second he lets me know I’m just going to throw myself at him.” Seungkwan frowns as he picks at his own cake with his fork. “Shouldn’t I have some more self respect or something?” 

 

“Um, no?” Seokmin insists rather passionately like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “You’re young, you’re single, you’re living alone in a city for the first time in your life. Go and be a little reckless. If you see someone you like then go after them. No one cares if you go and throw yourself at some genuinely nice guy.” 

 

“Yeah, but that’s totally the American style of things.” Seungkwan insists back. “I really think I might like him. If I just show up at his apartment and end up hooking up with him I don’t want it to end up having a one night stand. I want to genuinely like him and have him like me too and maybe even date him and see how things work out.” 

 

“Well, a lot of people here end up hooking up and just end up liking each other after the fact. You never know what might happen. Besides, isn’t he American anyways? You can’t just play the Korean style of dating and be afraid to even kiss a cheek after weeks of dating.” 

 

“He’s actually half Korean and half American so…” Seungkwan trailed off, tipping his head to the side as he thought. “I think that’s where my problems about how to pace things play in.” 

 

Seokmin abruptly pauses eating to look at him. “Wait…. are we talking about Vernon here? Is Vernon the guy you’re talking about?” 

 

“What? You mean Hansol Vernon Chwe, right?” Seungkwan’s eyes widen as he looks to Seokmin for some explanation. “Wait, you know him? Really?” Now that he thinks about it, it doesn’t exactly seem strange that the two of them have met before. Hansol was the one who recommended for him to come here in the first place. That doesn’t mean it’s less shocking either way though.

 

In response, Seokmin nods eagerly as an excited smile forms on his features. “Yeah, of course I know him! We have some mutual friends and he comes here sometimes! I knew he lived nearby but I didn’t know that you ended up being neighbors with him, Seungkwan! Why didn’t you tell me his name sooner?!” 

 

“Wait, so you like him right?” Seungkwan takes it back a little to confirm things. “If you already know him do you think he’s a nice guy? Like there’s no red flags or warnings I need to know before I actually decide that I like him?” 

 

Seokmin just laughs amusedly and shakes his head. “What are you talking about, Seungkwan? You already like him enough if I just listened to you talk about him for so long. And to answer all of your questions, Vernon is as harmless as it could get. I feel even more certain in telling you to go out and get him because he’s that genuinely nice of a person. Plus I feel like you two would look cute together so I fully approve of this!” 

 

“Okay, but hold on stil… he’s not dating anyone right now, right? We never really talked about it before but he said he lives alone so at least I don’t have to worry about him living with someone he’s dating... Wait, let’s take it back even more. Does he even date guys? I never really asked about that either…” 

 

Seokmin doesn’t really have to think that much before giving him somewhat of an answer. “No, I don’t think he’s dating anyone currently. I’m not exactly super close to him either but I never noticed him come into the shop with anyone that he seems to be romantically involved in. As for whether he dates guys or not, I think he mentioned that he’s bi? I dunno, I’ll have to check on that.” 

 

Well, that’s a little relieving to know about that both of his questions check out without any major problems. He’d probably feel like a complete idiot if Hansol ended up having a girlfriend this whole time and he had no idea. Of course he feels a little bit sneaky for going behind his back and asking someone else about him but he’s just trying to keep his feelings somewhat intact before he gets starts growing more attached. 

 

“Hey, Soon!” Seokmin turns around in his chair and calls out for one of the male’s sitting in the booth that Seungkwan noticed before. “Come over here!” He’s taken out of his thoughts for a moment as he watches the guy get up from the booth and make his way over to them. Even if he wasn’t an acquaintance of Seokmin’s his gaze would have probably wandered over to him based on his rather elaborate outfit alone. He’s got on dark jeans that fit much too tightly over his toned legs, a simple black tank in with nothing else covering him in the middle of a cold fall morning, as well as a single leather choker wrapped around his neck. He looks like he just came back from a long night of clubbing or something. 

 

Despite being dressed rather alluringly in all black with even the touch of eyeliner to add to the mystery of things, it’s almost as if he completely bubbles up as soon as Seokmin called for him. He’s got a cute little eye smile and almost a skip in his step as he approaches the male that they both know. “Hm, you needed something?” 

 

“Yeah, I was wondering about something…” Seokmin starts trailing out as Soonyoung wraps his arms around his neck from behind in what’s probably meant to be a nice back hug but the force of things from Seungkwan’s perspective makes it look like he’s accidentally choking him instead. “We were just talking about Vernon. He’s still single right? And he’s into guys?” 

 

As Soonyoung thinks about it for a moment, he does this thing where his lips pout out slightly. Seungkwan almost thinks it’s a shame that he chooses to dress so darkly when he’s actually got a lot of cute qualities. “Yeah, I don’t think Vernon’s been with anyone for awhile. At least not any serious relationships since the last time I saw him. And yeah, he’s into guys but he’s strictly a top.”

 

After hearing this much too personal piece of information spilled out, Seokmin playfully grabs the string of Soonyoung’s choker and really does choke him a little this time. “Hey, that’s too much…” 

 

Soonyoung just giggles in response and turns his attention over to Seungkwan instead. “Why are you asking about Vernon though? Got some interest in him?” 

 

“Ah, well he’s actually my neighbor so…” Seungkwan admitted with a small chuckle as he looked down, not really wanting to get into it with someone he didn’t exactly know too well. 

 

“I used to be roommates with Vernon a few years ago actually.” The stranger revealed to him as he leaned more comfortably into his backhug/chokehold around Seokmin. “I don’t really see him much anymore since I moved out and he’s super busy with his own job, but I’m glad to know he’s neighboring up with some cutie like you. Anyways, what's your name, dear?” 

 

Seokmin’s friend might be a little more forward than what he’s used to but at least he seems harmless. Plus Seungkwan figures he can trust someone who knows both Seokmin and Hansol so he doesn’t mind giving up some of his personal information to a mutual friend of theirs. “I’m Boo Seungkwan. I just moved here from Jeju.” 

 

“Hi, I’m Soonyoung but you can call me Soon.” The boy responded back with a playful wink as he grinned at Seungkwan. “I’ve been friends with Seokmin since we were in high school but the guys I’m with over there are my co-workers.” At the mention of this, he tilts his head over in their direction and Seungkwan’s eyes follow his movement. The two other guys left behind at the booth are dressed impeccably well as as dark as Soonyoung is, to the point where Seungkwan wonders if they’re stage performers or idols or maybe even possibly strippers. One of them even takes a wad of cash out of his sweatshirt pocket and flips through the stack of bills momentarily. 

 

Seungkwan raises a skeptical eyebrow up at Seokmin, who just bursts out laughing. “I swear- it’s not as bad as it looks!” He insists quickly before Seungkwan can make any more wrong assumptions in his head. “They work at one of the most popular bars in the city! It’s a total tourist trap! You should really see how much they get in tips, it makes me want to up and quit this job and go work there instead.” 

 

“Yeah, but Jihoon said he’s got a weak and easily impressionable heart so he failed his audition.” Soonyoung replied back with a small chuckle. “You have to be able to deal with a whole lot of bullshit before you work in a bar filled with drunk unruly tourists.” 

 

“Ugh, tell me about it. When it’s peak summer season at my family’s place in Jeju it’s like a pit of hell physically opens up on the restaurant floor.” Seungkwan comments under his breath as his eyes cast over over to Soonyoung’s friends. From what he can see from over here it certainly does look like they get tipped well. It piqued his curiosity to see another group of guys his age being able to live so easily just from working at a bar downtown. Certainly he wouldn’t include working in some bar to be part of his ideal plan of starting a new life in the city but he was kind of desperate to find a job right now. Maybe he could just clean tables or pour drinks at the tab without having to interact with customers too much…

 

In general, Seungkwan just can’t picture himself as the type to work at a bar in the first place, yet alone associating with guys like Soonyoung and his friends. They just seem out of his league or something. 

 

“You know, it’s kind of funny that you mentioned it being like a literal pit of hell because that’s almost identical to the name of the place. It’s actually called Jihoon’s Hell Hole but that was a pretty good guess.” Soonyoung mentions casually as he seems to follow Seungkwan’s gaze over to his friends. “You wanna meet them?” We’re holding auditions in a few weeks but if you’re interested and you can pass the test with us first, maybe we could talk you up to the manager and give you a little boost above all the competition.” 

 

“You should look into it, Seungkwan. Really.” Seokmin insisted as he seemed to agree. “It’s the most popular bar in the whole city. If you’re looking to get recognized for your voice, it’s the perfect place to start out. It’s kind of like a performanced themed place just like here but it’s with the bar crowd instead. Just imagine all of the business people coming from all over the world to check out the entertainers there.” 

 

Although Seungkwan was originally planning to leave his curiosity there, he couldn’t help but to notice that Seokmin and Soonyoung were making this opportunity really hard to ignore. He’s still skeptical, sure, but he would be lying if he didn’t say that he was interested. “You’re sure it’s not anything shady though...right? It’s just working as an entertainer and serving some drinks?” 

 

Soonyoung laughs a little at his apprehension and just shakes his head. “Literally you’re only expected to sing, dance, or act. If you can do more than one then that’s even better. Other than that, we just serve drinks to the guests while having a little bit of fun as well. It’s as easy as that.” 

 

“And that doesn’t mean….any illegal fun either, right? No tricks, no catches?” 

 

“Of course not. Our managers are super strict about taking good care of us. No one is allowed to touch you, yet alone even talk to you if you don’t want them to. The entertainers practically run the whole place so whatever we say goes.” Soonyoung admits with a small giggle as he shrugs his shoulders. “Listen, I thought it was too good to be true when I first started too but there’s really no catch to it. You can come by and see how you like it sometime. No strings attached.”  

 

Seungkwan knows that he would be a complete idiot just to go along and take everything that this stranger is saying at full value, but the fact that he does have mutual friends with Soonyoung already kind of makes him want to put his guard down. He does need a job and he certainly does need the money. Although he never really imagined himself to be the type to even enjoy hanging out in a bar, he’s practically being handed an invite to work at one of the most popular places in all of New York city. He would be absolutely crazy if he refused without at least checking out the place first. 

 

“I’ll think about it.” Seungkwan decides with a resolute nod as he looks over to Soonyoung. “I’d love to stop by sometime and check it out before making a decision too.” 

 

“Sounds great! You know, I’d really like it if the position went to someone who we kind of know already. Seokmin seems to vouch for you enough so I think I have my eyes set on you as well.” 

 

“You should hear this him sing though, for real.” Seokmin insists rather seriously. “Seungkwan’s voice is really something amazing. Plus I feel like Jihoon’s gonna like him too because he’s got a little bit of an attitude as well.” 

 

“Um… who exactly is Jihoon? Is he the manager?” 

 

“Yeah kind of. He owns the place. That’s why it’s basically called Jihoon’s Hell Hole. By the way, it’s not actually a literal hell hole or as bad as you would presume one to be. We’re just one of the only bars that stays open until the crack of dawn and you can literally see people doing a death crawl out the door by the time we close. It’s all just a light hearted joke so nothing to worry about.” Soonyoung brushed off this piece of information with a quick swat of the hand. “Anyways, you should come and meet my friends though! I’m sure you can get a better understanding of the place after meeting us.” 

 

Seungkwan just agrees with a shrug. He doesn’t exactly have anything to lose just by meeting a few guys and asking some questions. The second he gets up from his stool though, Soonyoung practically loops his arm around his own and oh so excitedly decides to drag him over to their table. “Guys, I want to introduce you to Seungkwan! He’s a friend of Seokkie’s and he might be interested in joining us!” 

 

In the exact moment that the two guys at the table glance up to take a look at him, Seungkwan immediately feels attacked. They’re both visuals. Now that he thinks about it, when Soonyoung isn’t smiling that cute little grin where his eyes completely scrunch up into little happy circles he’s actually really handsome as well. Seungkwan might as well be facing a whole group of models as he takes a hesitant seat down at the table. 

 

“Hey, I’m Junhui!” One of the male’s smiles up at him almost instantly, seeming much friendlier than the other male who was still working on counting through a large stack of tips and barely looks up to even acknowledge Seungkwan’s presence. As far as first impressions of Junhui go, Seungkwan’s already a bit charmed just by looking at him. He’s got these striking features unlike anything he’s ever really seen before and there’s some kind of mysterious spark lingering in his eyes. He’s almost got this bad boy image going on about him but as soon as he opened his mouth Seungkwan immediately felt like it was just some act.

 

“Junhui’s position is a dancer, and he’s an amazing one at that. Every night he does this thing where we make everyone take their drinks off the counter and he just decides to do a bunch of flips and shit all the way across.” Soonyoung informs him with a grin that resembles something of complete amazement, like even though he’s seen this multiple times before he never gets over the thrill of it. “That’s why he’s our number one tip earner! People practically throw their money at him after they see that shit.” 

 

“Speaking of tonight’s tips though…” The other male at the table interjected, slapping down three tall stacks of bills onto the table not so discreetly at all. Seungkwan assumed that because it was so early in the morning and the restaurant was barely filled it’s not like it mattered if anyone else saw. “Junhui came in first again with $351. Soonyoung you came in next with $335, and I fell behind you with a close $330 so that means I’m paying for dinner tonight as well.” 

 

Soonyoung and Junhui shared an all too triumphant high five after learning they weren’t going to pay for the countless plates of empty food littered around the table. “Anyways, this hardass is Jeonghan.” Soonyoung explained next once he got over his little outburst of excitement and gestured towards the guy. “He’s been here since the beginning so sometimes he feels like one of our managers but he’s still very active. He’s good at singing and dancing but we like to think that he’s a fucking genius at acting. Jeonghan can pretend he’s interested in a customer’s life within a split second, sweet talk them, make them practically fall in love with him, and by the end of the night he’s usually getting slipped huge tips just for talking with the customers.” 

 

Junhui snickers after hearing Soonyoung’s comments. “And it’s totally funny because as soon as he walks into the breakroom that fake little smile of his instantly fades away like it’s a switch or something.” He points out rather humorously. “Then he takes a nap because he claims it’s too draining to put on such an act!” 

 

“Because it  _ is _ draining.” Jeonghan stressed with a small sigh as he rested his head down against Junhui’s rather broad and accepting shoulder. “Drunk people like to talk about the worst things. I have to listen to people’s shit stories about work and breakups and family issues and pretend to care. I don’t even get paid as much as a therapist would but I’m still doing all the work.” 

 

“That’s why I chose to focus on dancing and singing only.” Soonyoung grinned cheekily. “No one can even bother to talk to me when the music is so loud anyways.” 

 

“Hold on a second here…” Seungkwan tried to bring everything back to reality because all of this really was starting to sound too good to be true. “From everything that you’re telling me, it kind of sounds like you’re just being paid to sing and dance around. Where’s the real work? Is it waiting tables or scrubbing filthy bathroom stalls or what?” 

 

All three of the guys share funny little smiles as they share a laugh at this. It’s almost like they’re deciding on which one of them gets to break the news to Seungkwan next. Eventually Junhui and Soonyoung both leave it to Jeonghan, who leans forwards in his seat to speak more directly to Seungkwan. “Here’s what we do: we stand behind the bar all night, the people come to the bar, we get drinks for them, and then we occasionally perform a little show every hour or so. That’s all there is to it. You get keep all your own tips for being a good entertainer.” 

 

Seungkwan takes a moment to think this through but it’s all too hard to focus with three sets of eyes all focusing in on him too. He’s pretty sure he can feel Seokmin staring at him hopefully from all the way back in the kitchen as well. As much as this is a decision he needs to take a proper amount of time to come to terms with, there’s just something in his heart that feels like it wants this. The opportunity is right in front of him and he’s already feeling greedy to grasp it. 

 

He throws all caution to the wind when he lets out an alleviated sigh from trying to fight the little voices in his head for so long. “I’m down. Sign me up for a trial run and I’ll show you what I’ve got.” 

  
  
  


. . . . . 

  
  
  


Back at Seungkwan’s college, his schedule consists of Conversational English, Writing Composition, and then Grammar to finish up his day. He’s partnered with both Mingyu and Minghao in the first class, then only Minghao in his second, and then only Mingyu in the last class. Normally he’d think it’s kind of strange to be paired up with the two of them multiple times during one day but in such a small campus with barely any international students, it makes full sense that he would be forced to see the same people all the time.

 

His classes are all a little too easy for his level which means the most enjoyable part of his day is when they’re all over and he can hang around with his new friends and commute home together with them. They all live somewhere in the main part of the city, with Minghao living pretty close by to the same Chinatown section that Seungkwan resides in but Mingyu lives way across the river in Queens. They all have awhile to ride on the subway through so they take their seats in the most comfortable part of the car and settle in for the long ride. 

 

Because they’re still new friends they don’t exactly know how to make conversation come easy yet. Usually they just kind of sit there, with Seungkwan crammed into the seat with Mingyu taking up a little too much space right beside him while Minghao takes the place at the tallest male’s opposite side. It seems like they just enjoy each other’s company because it’s better than simply being alone. 

 

Both of Seungkwan’s new friends have been living in the area longer than he has, which kind of makes him wonder about the place he secured an interview at later this week. “Hey, have you guys ever heard about some bar named Jihoon’s Hell Hole? I heard that it’s getting popular these days and I met some guys who work there. If the place isn’t totally sketchy I might end up working there too.”

 

Mingyu’s head immediately whipped in his direction. “You’re going to work there? Like you actually got an interview there?” As he asks this, Seungkwan can only nod slowly and hope for him to get the point out already. “Seungkwan, that’s absolutely  _ crazy! _ ” 

 

“Um… is that in a good way or a bad way?” 

 

“Only in the best way possible! Do you have no idea how popular it is there? The line practically winds around two whole blocks because there’s that many people dying to get in. I tried to go there once and waited in line for three hours and I still wasn’t even halfway there!” 

 

“Devils!” Minghao responds back cheerfully and Mingyu visibly regains a bit of his excitement from hearing that, nodding almost violently.

 

“Yeah, you’re going to be a devil!” 

 

Seungkwan raises a very slow and skeptical eyebrow up at his eccentric friends. “Excuse me?” 

 

“That’s like a fun nickname that they call the cast members who work there! The name is supposed to fit with the theme of things but everyone who becomes one instantly gains recognition. Hell, they’re practically even famous overnight. You’re gonna get your pictures posted online and have all these twitter accounts made to focus all about you!” 

 

To be completely honest, Seungkwan doesn’t exactly believe Mingyu is telling the full truth here. It’s more likely that he’s just over exaggerating the situation just to get him as excited about it as he is. “Come on, Mingyu. I don’t think that it’s as big as you’re hyping it up to be. You’re trying to tell me that these people who are practically waiters get famous just for working at Jihoon’s place?” 

 

“Honestly? Yeah, I’m telling you that people get attached to the people who work there. It’s not like they come and go so easily either. Usually they stay for years and only bring in new faces when they find someone they really like. So now I’m wondering…” Mingyu trails off, glancing at Seungkwan rather scrutinizingly. “Why would they up and pick you? What kind of secret skill are you hiding from us, Boo Seungkwan?” 

 

“I can’t believe you’re taking this so seriously!” Seungkwan replied back rathed amusedly as he reached up to brush some of his fringe out of his eyes. “I just do a little singing sometimes, but I think that all I’ll be doing there is serving some drinks and wiping tables. Nothing special here. I only agreed on the interview because I’m really in need of a job and it kind of just fell into my lap.” 

 

Mingyu looks at him rather defeatedly now, losing much of his buzz now that Seungkwan wasn’t going to play along with him. “So are you telling me that you haven't even googled the place? You have absolutely no idea what you’re getting into…”

 

Seungkwan just rolls his eyes because he’s still highly doubtful. “Alright, so let me ask you this…. If you think that being called one of these ‘devils’ is such a prestigious position, then one, why does it have such a stupid nickname, and two, who is your favorite member currently?” 

 

“Oh, that’s easy. It’s Hoshi.” 

 

“Hoshi?” Seungkwan repeats the unfamiliar name on his tongue. “Which one is that?” 

 

“Super cute guy, dancer, little cute fox-like eyes and his nose scrunches up when he laughs.” 

 

“Honestly, I’ve never heard of him. He’s not one of the guys that I met already.” Seungkwan shakes his head dismissively as he thinks Mingyu is still bullshitting him. “Any other members that you know of?” 

 

“Jun.” Minghao inserts next. 

 

“June? I don’t know who he or she is either.” 

 

So then Minghao goes back to his phone and does a little clicking around with things, presumably researching something before holding up his phone with a proud little grin. “Jun.” He repeats out loud as he holds the phone screen up to Seungkwan to show him the evidence. Then something clicks suddenly. There’s Junhui, and Soonyoung, and Jeonghan each wearing matching t-shirts with big logos reading  _ “Jihoon’s Hell Hole” _ all over the front. There’s some other staff members in the picture as well, but seeing the three of them in the front and center of the photo makes Seungkwan visibly pale for a second. 

 

Mingyu grins triumphantly to himself as well and points right to Soonyoung in the photo. “That one’s Hoshi! See, I told you so!” 

 

As Seungkwan is taking a moment to recover from the immense shock of learning that Mingyu is actually right, Minghao makes things a little worse by scrolling through the search even more and showing endless candids and fan pictures that people took with the staff. The same exact staff members who he met last night. He might know them by their real names but certainly the people in the photos are the same people he met and basically became friends with. 

 

He really had no idea what he was getting himself into after all. 

  
  


. . . . . 

 

As soon as Seungkwan got home, he debated researching the place that Mingyu and Minghao had hyped up so much. The suspense from not knowing was almost stressing him out but he decided that he would probably be more nervous if he looked everything up ahead of time. He was going to walk into his interview blind and just hope he could adapt well to the bar’s famous reputation. 

 

That didn’t mean that he wasn’t currently dying to check online every few seconds though. 

 

He had to find any possible way of distracting himself so he ended up doing a whole lot of cleaning, cooking, and even going on an adventure to find his building’s washing machines and finally get around to washing all of the clothes that had accumulated since he arrived. Of course it’s not the most interesting thing in the whole world so he does quite a lot of singing under his breath while he’s waiting for his stuff to dry. He smiles a bit to himself as he imagines Hansol walking by any second, gently warning him that the walls are too thin and everyone is probably listening in on him by now. 

 

Of course it would be nice if Hansol really was here right now, at least in the same building, but it’s not so late enough to the point where he would be home for work yet. A thought crosses Seungkwan’s mind when he realizes that he at least has some time before Hansol returns though. He did make a little extra for dinner tonight and he even wasted some more of his time by baking some cookies. Maybe he should leave some for Hansol to enjoy once he returns home, especially since he’s usually so tired by the time he finally gets home too. 

 

Seungkwan hates to admit that it’s a horribly domestic thing to be doing for somebody but god help him, he cares about whether Hansol is eating well and he doesn’t want him to put together some half assed meal just because he’s too tired to cook anything else. 

 

After returning back to his place with his newly cleaned laundry, he waits until about twenty minutes before Hansol usually comes home, then he plants his little care package in front of the apartment door. There’s even stupidly cute sticky note telling him to enjoy with a little smiley face drawn on for extra care. Even though it’s something small, Seungkwan hopes that Hansol will feel a little more relaxed seeing that things are taken care of him for once. Just like he had taken care of Seungkwan before in many little ways as well. 

 

He plays the waiting game again as he’s distracted by every little noise he hears in the hallway. It’s not like he’s going to run to the door and try to watch Hansol react to his package but he’d at least like to know that he really did receive it. The second he does hear the sound of Hansol’s key clicking through the lock and the door shutting behind him isn’t any less nerve wracking though. Now he’s even more confused on how to explain this if Hansol were to ask.  _ I did it because I was thinking of you? I worry about you sometimes? I just wanted to? _ Dating is hard.

 

Seungkwan tries not to think about it too much and puts on a melodramatic drama to divert his attention elsewhere. Usual he’s the type to get totally wrapped up in the story but he can’t shake his mind from wondering about what Hansol is doing right now. He probably just should have invited him over instead of leaving it there like he’s some kind of secret messenger. He wonders if Hansol is even eating it or whether he’ll stop by later to return the plates. Seungkwan over thinks a lot and he’s really good at it. 

 

It’s about an excruciatingly hour and a half later when his phone finally buzzes. 

**_[ hansol ]  / / :_ ** it was delicious. thanks for thinking about me. 

 

Seungkwan stares at the screen for awhile, unsure of how to really respond back without coming off as too clingy or foward or even possibly creepy. His fingers just kind of linger over the keyboard as he comes up with absolutely nothing, but he’s lucky that Hansol sends in another message before he can worry about taking too long. 

 

**_[ hansol ]  / / :_** wanna come out with me on saturday again? 

 

He might be trying to hide the eagerness behind his feelings towards Hansol but in the privacy of his own home, it’s safe to say that he’s smiling like crazy to himself when he types back a promise to be there. Once again, Hansol’s got him filled with excitement, anticipation, and a lot of hope as well. But as for tonight, he might have kicked around a little in his bed like one of those over dramatic drama actors as he reread the message one last time before drifting off to sleep. 

 

On Hansol’s side of the wall, he stays up late listening to the record that they picked out together. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is how i interpret the new characters of this story to look like.   
> this is how i described them to look like in this chapter but in general because of their jobs i would imagine them to always be dressed kind of unique 
> 
> click [here](https://scontent-sea1-1.cdninstagram.com/t51.2885-15/s480x480/e35/c0.135.1080.1080/19121660_1981227545441706_3712598640087269376_n.jpg?ig_cache_key=MTUzOTY0NTMzMDIxNDU0MzY1OQ%3D%3D.2.c) for soonyoung
> 
> click [here](https://i.pinimg.com/736x/7b/09/42/7b0942a8890104bbb39d80df1958c15f--seventeen-jun-beautiful-boys.jpg) for junhui
> 
> click [here](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DOwcC4hVQAENh6c.jpg) for jeonghan


	7. hopeful

Soonyoung picks Seungkwan up at a nearby subway station on a Friday morning. He should be at his class right now but having a job interview seems to be a good reason enough to skip out on a lecture of English that he probably knows about already. Soonyoung plays the role of his guide as he walks him throughout the busy morning streets that lead to the bar that he hopes to secure a job at. 

Seungkwan had done a little research about Jihoon’s place last. He might not have really gone into the details of his friend’s profiles online or much about the people who follow them, but as restaurant reviews and tourist blogs goes, it does seem like it’s a well loved place for New Yorkers and tourists alive. People call it quirky, extremely unique, and even say there's nothing like it nowhere else in the world, but Seungkwan can’t really wrap his head around that until he experiences it yet. He’s at the point where he would rather just see for himself instead of listening to whatever people say, and especially not what Kim Mingyu has to say either. 

Before they arrive at their final destination, Soonyoung suddenly stops in front of him and pulls at the rather ugly printed tie that Seungkwan had chosen to pair with his black slacks and white button down. “I hate to break it to you, but we’re not going to an office building. Where did you get this tie anyways? Is it your dad’s?” 

Although Soonyoung is gently teasing him, Seungkwan pouts a bit as the elder busies himself with untying it from his neck. “Actually it is my dad’s but…. I just wanted to look nice and professional.” 

“That’s sweet.” Soonyoung replies quickly and distractedly as he successfully pulls the tie free of it’s tight knot. “But the place we’re going is not so sweet, so if you dress up like you’re going to a business dinner then you’re really not going to fit the part. Jihoon’s just gonna take one look at you and know you don’t have what it takes if you act like some office boy. Just be chill, with a little bit of a bite when need be.” 

As Soonyoung gives him half of a lecture and half of a warning about what to expect, Seungkwan watches on interestedly as the top buttons of his white shirt are being unbuttoned in order to show a lot more skin than he had originally planned for. He doesn’t really care that Soonyoung is practically exposing his whole neck and collar for everyone right here on the street to watch but he’s not exactly used to wearing his own clothes this way. Once his friend is done with some small finishing touches, he leans down fondly and gives Seungkwan’s light brown curly hair a little fluff. 

“You’re cute, Boo. Almost too cute.” He replies with a small sigh as he takes the tie that he seized before and starts to tie it around Seungkwan’s neck in a way that kind of resembles the choker he was wearing when they first met. “Once you get hired I’m going to take you out and we’re going to do something about ruining that little image of yours.” 

Soonyoung smiles rather deviously before throwing his arm around Seungkwan’s shoulder as he leads him for the rest of the way. Seungkwan doesn’t exactly ask about what he means by that. He just assumes that he’d rather not know, or even knowing at all could wait until he actually gets hired in the first place. 

The street that Jihoon’s place is located on isn’t that busy because much of the stores that litter the area are all either closed down for the daytime or vacant. Either the whole neighborhood is forced out because of the wildness of the Hell Hole or maybe this is just a street that operates off the success of the large crowds of bar patrons to bring in night business. Either way, it’s clear to tell which place they’re heading to because there’s a huge truck parked on the curb where Jeonghan, Junhui, and some other guys are unloading cases of what he presumes to be alcohol into the establishment. 

Jeonghan seems to note them returning first, in which he responds to with a relieved smile as he immediately drops his heavy case onto the ground and choses leave it there for now. “You have no idea how happy I am to see you. It’s a big delivery today and I would much rather deal with getting Seungkwan situated.” As he wipes his perspiring forehead with the back of his hand he motions for Seungkwan and his friends to follow him. “Jihoon, Soon came back and he’s with the new guy we told you about.” 

Seungkwan is a little nervous because he doesn’t know what to expect. Not only is he just now getting a first impression of the place he might be working, but he’s even meeting the owner and founder of this hugely successful place on such short notice. Hell, the place is even named after Jihoon and he’s right here. Now that there’s a possibility that might have to decide on the spot whether or not he works here if asked is a lot to take in. 

The place certainly does have a lot of character. He’s not exactly where to start looking because there’s just so much going on. The place is clean, pristine even, but it’s clear that it’s a well loved place by the wear on the wooden floor and the countless scribbles of signatures and band stickers left all over the walls. Even for New York the bar is much bigger in size than he would have expected. With the huge open room leading into the center stage of where the actual bar takes its place, it’s a bit funny but Seungkwan thinks the setup looks much more like a concert venue than a place to just get some drinks. 

Currently unloading some of the cases that were carried in from outside and stocking them into the bar is who he assumes to be Jihoon. He’s not exactly sure what he expected the owner of such a company to look like but it’s not what he envisions when he sees this guy. He just seems like a regular guy, slightly tired and overworked from all of the responsibilities of a morning delivery. As Jeonghan calls out for him to announce their arrival, the male stops working and peeks up at them through the raised hood of his sweatshirt. He stops working on unloading for now but he doesn’t exactly respond too interestedly to Seungkwan's entry. If anything it looks like he’s somewhat mildly inconvenienced by the interruption. 

“Hey, I’m Jihoon. You’re um…. Seungkwan, right?” He asks once he remembers after a moment of struggling with his thoughts, reaching out to extend a hand afterwards. “I heard the guys talked you into coming out so thanks for your interest.” 

Although Jihoon might not be smiling much, Seungkwan responds oppositely and greets him with as much brightness as he can possibly manage as he returns the handshake and even bows his head down as well. “Pleased to meet you. I’ve heard a lot of nice things already.”

At this point, Soonyoung, Junhui and Jeonghan have all made their way into the bar as well. They all perch themselves on top of the bar counter like they’re used to climbing up there on a regular basis. Seungkwan thinks that if he were to try, he’d probably be too short to do so. He just decides to stay standing and keep the professionalism even though Soonyoung told him a million times to just be casual. 

“So…” Jihoon stares at him for a moment and back to the guys, as if he’s struggling to figure out where to start out. One of his hands reaches up and rather awkwardly slides through his hair to send the hood of his sweatshirt back down. “I don’t really know what to say here because I didn’t get to audition you myself but all three of them kind of agree unanimously on hiring you so…” 

Soonyoung grins smugly to himself. “That means you don’t really have a say here.” Junhui and Jeonghan seem to agree wholeheartedly with him but they suppress their chuckles anyways. 

Jihoon holds his tongue for a bit before just shaking his head, as if he’s trying to shake away whatever he wanted to respond back to Soonyoung with. “Anyways, I guess I generally trust in them and everything they’ve told me so far so I guess you’re hired if you want to work here. If I didn’t offer to hire you I know that they’d endlessly bitch at me for weeks but we really do need help so… I guess don’t mind hiring someone they actually like.” 

Seungkwan really never expected this to be so easy. In fact, he can’t really come to terms with the fact that he’s not getting grilled about every detail in his life or judged for each and every slight gesture he makes. Can this really be so easy or did his new friends really talk him up so highly? He’s almost so taken back by this that he accidentally tunes out some of Jihoon’s explanation. 

“...I know it’s a lot of work in a very different environment so we can try a few nights and see how you like it without making any official decisions yet. I was thinking you can just do some of the easy stuff around here to make it a little less busy for the rest of us and then see how much more you might want to take on later.” 

Seungkwan realizes he was kind of zoning out and staring at the ground during all of this overthinking. It is a lot of information to take in at once. There’s a moment where he’s just listening to Jihoon talk and he’s starting to feel nervous because the offer is so openly reserved for just him. Can he really live up to this place’s expectations? Will he crack under the pressure? Is this all some deal that’s too good to be true and he’s going to horribly regret this later? Seungkwan really doesn’t know. He has to hide his hands that are anxiously trembling with nerves into the pocket of his pants. 

It’s almost like he didn’t realize Jihoon was done talking for a second because when he looks up, all four pairs of eyes are staring back at him. Soonyoung and Junhui might be staring at him much more hopefully than the other two, but they’re still staring nonetheless. It shakes Seungkwan away from his innertoughts as he swallows down an invisible lump that forms in his throat. He thinks about how Chan would want him to face a situation like this. He might regret working a job like this, but it could also be the best thing that ever happened to him. And although he’s nervous and unsure of what the future might be holding for him, he still feels a sense of luckiness as well. He might be on the verge of stumbling into something amazing. 

He cuts of his spinning thoughts with an exhale of breath to send them all away. “So… when do I start?” As he replies back more assuredly with a small smile forming on his face, Soonyoung and Junhui are up from their seats in an instant rotate to around him and entrap him in what he assumes to be a mix of a hug or a circle of running and screaming around him. It’s certainly overwhelming but the rather strange warm welcome has got him laughing anyways. 

Jihoon seems to be watching them rather amusedly but still waiting for them to finish up so he can get back into the important stuff. Jeonghan watches from above the counter momentarily before sliding off to work on something else instead. He lines up five shot glasses across the bar and mixes a concoction of liquids together in order to make some specialty drink. Jihoon eventually notices what he’s doing and finds himself joining him behind the bar too. 

“Come on, guys.” Jihoon calls them over once Jeonghan is finished up, seemingly rather impatient now that this weird welcoming ritual has gone on for much longer than necessary. “Let’s just do the shots and get it over with so we can get Seungkwan updated on all the rules and regulations.” 

Soonyoung’s about to pull on Seungkwan’s arm to lead him over to the counter but he stops and looks at him questioningly. “Hey, can you even drink?”

“I mean… kind of? I’m not so good at it though.” 

“You’ll learn.” Junhui chimes in next to him as he loops his arm into Seungkwan’s other free one. “Besides, did you even have any other plans today? Come and stay for your training and work for us tonight and Jihoon can even pay you double.” 

Seungkwan can only shrug and agree to it because honestly, it’s just what his bank account desperately needed. He cleared his whole day for this meeting so he might as well hang around and work a whole first day on the spot. The bar doesn’t have any stools to sit on, yet alone neither does the whole room, so he lines up along side his new co-workers in front of the interestingly colored drinks that Jeonghan had prepared. The bottom is completely black with little bubbles that rise to the top and melt into red, which rightfully makes Seungkwan certainly cautious to approach one and take a drink. 

“They’re called Hell Shots.” Jihoon mentions before taking the first and forcing it down with a bit of a scowl. “They’re too strong but they’re our specialty.” 

Jeonghan takes his next and tips the liquid down his throat without much of a reaction at first but he’s clearly not too pleased with the taste after. “They’re our tradition. Everytime we meet a new friend or lose one along the way, we always share one of these drinks.” 

Seungkwan watches on rather apprehensive as even Soonyoung and Junhui don’t seem to like the taste of the drink too much either, but watching their overdramatic reactions are still funny. By the time it’s his turn though, he cautiously picks up the mini shot and brings it up to his nose for a smell. He immediately crinkles his nose in response to the acidic smell that follows and his whole group of co-workers chuckle at him softly. 

“You don’t really have to do it if you don’t want to.” Jihoon is quick to insist. “I know it tastes like a mess but it’s like that on purpose.” 

Jeonghan just looks over to him rather unimpressed. “This is a lot more than just a mess. It’s like battery acid mixed with water that’s had a whole pack of sharpie markers floating in it for about a week.” 

“But that’s why it’s good though, right?” Soonyoung blinked as he looked back and forth between them. “It’s like a whole system detox to flush all the bad stuff out.” 

Jihoon stares at him for a moment before slowly shaking his head. “If your goal is to replace all the bad with something even worse, then I think you’re getting the right idea. Anyways, Seungkwan, if you actually plan on drinking that thing just do it like you would cough medicine. Don’t even stop to taste it and just chug it all down.” 

Junhui hums as he nods his head. “You’re right, it does kind of taste like cough medicine now that I think about it…” 

As the glass was starting to near Seungkwan’s lips, he immediately stopped after Junhui’s revelation. He glanced over to Jihoon for some sort of explanation while the older male looked rather horrified. “Of course there’s not any actual cough medicine in there! This is a bar, not some fuckin frat boy’s house party. Plus I would be arrested if I actually spiked the drinks with that!” 

Seungkwan decides to take Jihoon’s words as the truth. He doesn’t know him that well compared to how he knows Soonyoung, or Junhui or Jeonghan, but he might already trust him more than them. As much as he could admit this in the nicest of ways, his new friends were a sneaky group of enablers and he admired their schemes because this is what got him hired in the first place. He just decides to literally give up and give in and throws the drink back in one swig. It burns his throat and he can feel the warmness sliding down his throat and settling all the way in his stomach, almost like literal hell is coursing through his system. He finally gets the meaning behind the name now but that doesn’t exactly stop him from coughing rather uncontrollably after the fact. 

Soonyoung pats him affectionately on the back even though they’re all chuckling rather amusedly at his reaction. “He’s so cute…” He can’t help but repeat again as Seungkwan thinks that this might be some kind of pattern or catchphrase from now on. Junhui seems to agree completely thought because now he’s fluffing around with his hair and adoring him a little as well. Seungkwan doesn’t really mind the extra attention but he’s not too used to it. If that alcohol wasn’t heating up his face the newly forming blush on his face certainly is. Jeonghan is quick to pour him a water that he quickly gulps down. 

Jihoon clears his throat in order to get their attention again. “Okay, okay, that’s a little too much touching happening. You’re already overwhelming him and it’s only his first day.” 

“I have a suggestion.” Junhui announces once they both separate themselves from Seungkwan and focus on the task at hand instead. “Because your shit drink actually made Seungkwan choke maybe you actually could put cough syrup in it to make it go down smoother.” 

Jihoon looks at him rather displeased and done in all aspects. “I honestly can not tell if you’re just fucking with me or if you really just meant the words that actually just came out of your mouth. Either way, I’m going to pretend that I didn’t hear that. We’ve got a lot of work to do so I’m just going to go into the rules… What’s rule #1?” 

Almost like it’s some mutually agreed on robotic like decision, all three of Seungkwan’s friends repeat the first rule out like it’s some memorized mantra all at the same time. “Rule #1: Give as little personal information about yourself as possible.” Seungkwan’s a bit surprised by their ability to all speak in unison because he honestly wasn’t really expecting it from a group like them. 

“Everyone except for me has stage names around here. Soonyoung is Hoshi, Junhui is Jun, Jeonghan is Han. Some of the general maintenance workers do too but it’s mostly reserved for those behind the counter.” Jihoon explains, which officially also makes Seungkwan get why he didn’t recognize Mingyu and Minghao’s favorite members when he asked. “Our customers are dedicated fans of the bar which means they can get attached to our staff as well. For safety reasons, I don’t recommend sharing personal details about yourself even when asked to. Feel free to make up fake details but keep track of what you’re talking about. Market yourself as a somewhat of character instead. Create a concept.” 

“Rule #2?” Jeonghan suggests next, in which Soonyoung and Junhui read off from their memory. 

“Rule #2: What do we serve? Alcohol.” 

“This one is a bit of a joke but…” Jihoon already laughs to himself a little before continuing one. “We only serve alcohol on the premises. No food, no other drinks, and definitely not water. There’s a huge sign above the bar that clearly states that, but if you have some loser coming up who completely ignores the sign, we have this little ritual….” 

Soonyoung giggles a little as he points to a big button on the side of the bar counter. “See that? We press the button and it sets off a little alarm in order to get everyone’s attention, then we each grab a water hose and blast the person in the face with a little water. It’s totally a crowd favorite!”

Although that does sound a little bit mean, Seungkwan can’t help but to laugh a little too. At least it’s more funny than spiteful. “But hey, what happens if someone really needs water?” 

Jihoon just shrugs. “I dunno. Send them to the bathroom to drink out of the faucet or one of the convenience stores down the street. That’s not my business.” 

“Besides we’re too busy to really serve anything other than the alcohol anyways.” Jeonghan explained with a light sigh. “Ugh, imagine how many more people would be lining up if we served water. We can barely handle orders already and that would nearly kill us. Anyways, Junhui, Rule #3?” 

“Rule #3: The customer is not always right.” He replies back with a smug grin. 

Jihoon takes a moment to correctly put his words together before starting. “This is a tough one to explain… I don’t want to scare you off from the beginning, but to put it lightly, this is a bar after all. We might be one of the best bars in the city but that doesn’t mean we can’t weed out the scum sometimes. Sometimes people get too drunk, they start fights, they might say something you don’t like, or they might try to touch you. I trust that if anything happens, you have the right to handle the situation even if it’s too hectic to find me or one of the other guys. If you say you’re uncomfortable, then you have the first authority to tell one of our security guards that stay by the bar at all times and have that person immediately ejected. I’m all about keeping it safe for you guys so you’re allowed to have control over the place too.” 

Seungkwan does have to admit that hearing that does calm down a lot of his worries. He never really went to bars often, much because he was uncertain about how drunk people were to act and get out of control. He’s still pretty young after all and doesn’t have much experience around how to handle people like that. He always assumed working in a bar would be a different experience and certainly less out of control, but knowing that what he says goes is definitely reassuring. 

“Now for Rule #4?” Jihoon suggests next in which all three of them recite the next rule out loud. 

“Rule #4: Cash only.” 

“This rule is more broad than the others so we’ll need to unpack it a little… The whole bar is cash only because it makes everything much more easy to deal with in a busy environment. We also have a rule of exact cash only because usually we can’t be bothered to find change when there’s a group of like fifty people trying to push through and order drinks at once. Most of the regular customers know the rules so just toss the leftover change into your tips. It’s yours to keep. Despite being a known rule and having a signup, if you get some real asshole who demands change then just give it over. I don’t really care, just do what you have to do to keep the line moving.” 

“But sometimes someone might only order a cheap beer and leave you with like a twenty dollar bill…” Jeonghan brought this up, explaining this extra part of the rule. “Don’t be surprised if this happens and they leave you with a lot of change. They most likely know about the rule and want to tip you well. Sometimes when people really like us they give us huge tips and you can always accept them, but like the rule says, cash only. No expensive gifts of offers. You can only accept cash tips from customers.” 

“Oh, but what about alcohol?” Junhui remembers suddenly. “We’ve always been allowed to share a drink with a customer if they buy one for us.” 

Jihoon nods his head approvingly. “Yeah, that’s fine. If a customer buys you a drink I would say always accept it because that’s still the customer's money being used in our bar. Even if you don’t want to drink it, there’s ways of pretending to take a shot. Soon and Junhui can teach you all about that some other time. I would like for you to always say yes even if you have to spit it out later. Anyways, let’s move on to Rule #5 because this is the last rule and therefore the most important rule.” 

Soonyoung, Junhui and Jeonghan reveal the last rule that Seungkwan needs to follow. 

“Rule #5: No Dating.” 

“I don’t care about what happens in your personal life, but I don’t want to see it anywhere around me or this bar.” Jihoon says next, taking on much more of a serious tone than he was before. “You are not to involve yourself with any of your customers, any of your co-workers, or have any significant other even visit you on the premises. If I see anything, it will be an instant termination of your employment. Relationships don’t survive in this place. Not only do personal relationships get strained by the atmosphere of this place, but customers will stop requesting to see you if they know you’re attached to someone else. Like I said before, you’re almost like a character when you work here. You can pretend you’re open and attainable just enough to get the customers to tip you well, but you should never get personally involved with one.” 

As Seungkwan listens to Jihoon he nods slowly in response to the information that he’s been given but Soonyoung, Junhui, and Jeonghan also nod as well. Even though it’s a rule that they’ve already known about before, it’s almost like Jihoon holds it so seriously that they have to prove their understanding of it all over again. It’s an easy for Seungkwan to agree to because he’s not even dating anyone nor could he imagine dating a customer, but he has to wonder if any of his friends ever happened to get attached to someone in order for this rule to even be made in the first place. He takes a quick look around at each of their expressions but he can’t see any emotion lingering beneath their serious focus into Jihoon’s words. 

Feeling almost as if this light hearted talk too much of a downbeat turn, Jihoon lets out a small sigh as he tries to find himself smiling instead. “I know it’s not too fun to think about so let’s move on to the game plan for today. I was thinking that we could get the truck unpacked and at least move all the cases into the main hallway. I’ll stay behind with some of the delivery workers and you can take Seungkwan out to lunch on me. Take the company card and buy him a few work outfits and maybe brief him on what to expect tonight. Most of all, just have some fun together. I don’t want to overwhelm him on the first day so just go and hang out I guess.” 

Seungkwan’s a bit taken aback at what Jihoon just instructed them to do. It certainly didn’t sound like they had to do much work to do at all really. If anything it all just sounded much more like they were going on some kind of field trip. He would have all considered it all too good to be true but then all his friends were putting on their jackets and were about to leave him behind if he just stood there in shock looking after them. 

He bowed at Jihoon to show his thanks for everything so far, in which the other male just smiled a little and nodded before turning back to his work at the bar.

“Welcome to the team, Seungkwan.”

. . . . . 

 

Seungkwan felt like he was in a movie. That would be the best way to describe the rush of the day he’s had. He might be feeling a little more happy than usual due to the effects of the shot of alcohol into his system, but he swears that there’s a skip in his step as he walks around this amazing city with his new friends by his side. It’s almost like there’s excitement waiting around every corner, with each shop to discover, brand new clothes and accessories are being pushed into his hands and easily made his with the each and every swipe of a card. Seungkwan had never really asked for anything but after visiting a few stores and refusing to budge, Soonyoung and Junhui just gave up and bought things for him anyways, with Jeonghan there to monitor and agree what to pay for. Certainly the trio ended up buying plenty of nice things for themselves too. 

Seungkwan liked shopping but wasn’t crazy about it. Sometimes he only went shopping out of boredom, but he can’t help but to admit that it feels kind of nice buying things with no repercussions. It’s not his own money so he doesn’t have to worry about a thing. He throws in a few things of his own liking and Jeonghan swipes the card without asking any questions. It’s as easy as that. There’s a rush knowing he can get away with all of this on someone else’s expense so as he treats himself he starts to loosen up. 

The three of his co-workers had taken to a pretty fashionable neighborhood to go and scope out these new outfits. They had shopped for hours to the point where even though there’s four of them, it’s getting rather difficult to keep holding all of the bags that they accumulated. As Seungkwan walks down the street arm in arm with Soonyoung and Junhui, with Jeonghan following closely to their side, Seungkwan thinks that he’s honestly having so much fun right now. Not only is it nice having a little money for once, but he’s more happy in the fact that his newly acquainted friends have turned into some really sweet people. Some of them show their affection much more than others, but it’s clear that they still care for him nonetheless. 

Wherever they go, Seungkwan always finds himself laughing about the crazy stories that his friends share of past experiences working in the bar. They are full of stories and mini lessons that they have to inform him of before he works his first shift tonight. There’s endless laughter about the time when Junhui accidentally kicked someone in the face while dancing on the countertop, or the time when some man tried to pick up Jeonghan and steal him away only to receive a complete ass beating from Jeonghan himself. Sometimes they’re little inside stories that sometimes only the three of them can laugh about, but Seungkwan starts to wonder if he’ll be able to join in on their good times soon. Afterall, from tonight on they’re going to be a team.

After shopping for multiple hours, they eventually end up at a nice restaurant for dinner as Jihoon had instructed them to. They urge Seungkwan to order whatever he wants, but he still feels a little bit guilty about taking so many things so Jeonghan just seizes the menu from him and orders everything for the table instead. Part of what he ordered was a tray of mini champagne flutes for them to share. 

When they arrive at the table, Soonyoung has a small grin on his face as they each take a glass. “Ah, nothing beats a little alcohol to beat some first day jitters.” 

“You’re nervous?” Jeonghan quirks an eyebrow up and chuckles a little. “Shouldn’t Seungkwan be the one who’s nervous and not you?” 

Soonyoung’s lips pout out slightly as he frowns. “Yeah but… I just worry about him. I want him to do well and like working with us. Maybe because I was the one who found him I feel a sense of responsibility for him.”

Seungkwan, who is still clearly at the table and listening to himself being spoken about in third person, just finds himself laughing a bit as he shakes his head. “I’m right here. You don’t have to speak about me like I’m not in the room.” He reminded them momentarily before accepting a glass of his own. “As for right now though, I’m not so nervous at all. I’m more like…. trying to come to terms with this and whether this is still real life or not. It all feels like I’m in a dream. Or stuck in some teenage makeover movie. Will I wake up tomorrow and be changed into a completely new person just with a change of clothes? It all just seems too good to be true.” 

Junhui lets out what appears to be a nostalgic sigh as he looks over to him from across the table. “Trust me, we’ve all felt that before. Just because we’re living so successfully now that doesn’t mean that things weren’t hard in the beginning. When each and every one of us were found by Jihoon it surely seemed like a dream back then too.” 

The male’s words pique Seungkwan’s interest. He looks at Junhui and keeps his gaze lingered there as if he wants for him to elaborate, but Junhui just looks away and glances at Jeonghan instead. 

“We live together.” Soonyoung announces suddenly, as if it were a piece of information that he particularly wanted Seungkwan to know. “The three of us I mean. I broke off my lease with Vernon in order to move in with them. I could barely afford things as they were and Vern was having to cover for me more than my pride would let me…” He admits softly as he looks down at the table, a somewhat amused smile playing on the corner of his lips. “But then Jihoon found me too. He took me in when I didn’t really have any other option and gave me everything I could ever want or need. Hell, he gave might have even gave me a whole new life. Sometimes it’s hard to believe that it was so easy but… that’s just Jihoon. He has a very special way with people. He knows how to see the important things.” 

Soonyoung’s words were honest. The always bright and bubbly male was usually honest to the point where he always said what was right on his mind in each and every second, but this was a whole new type of honesty coming from him. Soonyoung is so sincere in his words that Seungkwan feels himself lingering to every word that leaves him. He might not fully understand everything due to the fact that he’s missing a few clues about the past that happened between them but he’s slowly starting to bring those pieces together. 

“I couldn’t get enough money to survive here any longer.” Soonyoung continues on like the words are coming straight from his heart. No one had asked him any questions or even urged him to continue on but the way that he freely opened up with the story made it only more sincere. “I had jobs but they weren’t enough. If I wasn’t going to die from overworking myself I would have probably died from lack of sleep. Even though I was making money it was always in one door and right out the other. Seok was going to agree to take me in for free once I admitted that I only had ten dollars left in my bank account. He only has a one room apartment with one mini bathroom so that really wasn’t exactly going to work out either…”

As he racks his mind for more memories to recall back, he stares at the white tablecloth that lines the table, maybe looking at nothing much in particular. “I was really under my luck but Seokmin insisted that we went out and tried to have some fun instead of wallowing in it any further. We went to this group meetup karaoke thing. It was really stupid and I wasn’t really in my right mind to be having fun when I had millions of other things to worry about. Seok encouraged me to sing at least one song, so I thought what the hell and just picked one. Jihoon was one of the people at the meetup. He was just some stranger to me at the time but he struck up a conversation with me when we were walking home. I think he liked me. For some reason, he just saw something in me when it seemed like the whole rest world was against me.” 

“Then I’m pretty sure you know how the rest of the story goes from there.” Jeonghan mentioned with a peculiar little smile of his own, almost like he’s trying to hold back a more fond smile from breaking through. “Soonyoung threw himself into work at Jihoon’s, he slept on the couch back in our breakroom for months and even though he was a little clumsy at first and broke enough glasses here and there, he became one of the crowd’s all time favorites.” 

“Hey, you could have chosen not to mention the parts about the couch or the broken glasses but thanks anyways…” Soonyoung mumbles out with a small hint of pink gracing his cheeks. 

“Soon has always been our hardest worker in the history of Jihoon’s place though.” Junhui joined in as he shot a smile in Soonyoung’s direction as well. “Without him, I’m sure it wouldn't be as fun of a place. He’s the one who organizes all the dance routines, plans out all the fun games we play with customers, and he’s always got the most genuine smile when it comes to interacting with people. The place would be a lot less friendly if it weren’t for him coming along.” 

Seungkwan can’t share much of the fond memories they have about when it came to discovering each other. He wasn’t even there nor did he know of them at the time so it’s not something he feels like he can understand fully. Yet more than anything else, he just feels nothing more than the fact that there’s a lot of love shared between them. They share a bond that he’s somewhat envious of but now he’s even more looking forward to joining in on it. Because after all, it’s almost like they’ve discovered him as well now. As Seungkwan takes his own champagne glass to try a sip of the sweet bubbly liquid, there’s an soft smile of his own unexpectedly taking place on his lips. 

“I don’t exactly know the point of what I’m trying to get at…” Soonyoung admitted honestly, as he let out a bit of a conflicted sigh and just decided to give up with a small laugh instead. “If there’s anything that I could tell you though, I would hope that you have some trust in Jihoon. Sometimes I’m not really sure if he’s real or not either by the way he can make things happen like no one else can, but still, I trust in him as much as my heart is capable of. Jihoon can see what’s important and I hope that I followed in his footsteps by picking you when we met that night.” 

As Seungkwan feels the weight of his words settling in, the sheer value of his honesty kind of makes him feel vulnerable. He feels specifically chosen in a way by Soonyoung, and now that he’s earned some insight behind the reason why the elder had such a strong recommendation for him he feels completely touched. The unexpected revelation has so much kindness behind it that now Seungkwan’s cheeks are feeling all hot and tingly with flush much like Soonyoung was before. 

Seungkwan is bit embarrassed with himself as he’s getting all sentimental already but he averts his eyes away from the table and tries to meet eyes with all of his hyungs instead. “Thank you for giving me a chance. It really means so much to me, for everything all of you have done for me so far. I’m thankful for even believing in me in the first place, but…. I can’t help but to wonder what you saw in me that you liked enough to choose me in the end.” As he admits this, his eyes end up gazing into Soonyoung’s own, almost as if he’s asking for the answer right now. The elder just smiles in a way that he doesn’t exactly understand. 

“I see hope in you, Seungkwan. That purely innocent type of hope that’s never waivered even though it could have. The kind of hope that almost everyone in this city has lost along the way.” 

Seungkwan isn’t exactly sure how to respond to that. All he knows is that it means something important. He tries to commit the words to heart because it feels like something that he should remember from now on. Just in case he needs it someday. 

He’s not exactly sure how to respond to that other than nodding and trying to understand his feelings as best he can. Luckily, Soonyoung is the first one to break into the heavy atmosphere with a beaming smile as he hold a now half full champagne glass up. “Hey, it looks like we forgot to make a toast before we started talking. We better do it now or that must be bad luck or something like that!” 

They all share a small moment of laughter together as they hold up various states of already drunken out of glasses up and clink them against each other a little too excitedly. It’s almost like they’re kids for a moment, either that, or they’re too stupid because they keep clanking the glasses individually with each other just because they’re a bit too happy and looking forward to the fateful night that’s about to start Seungkwan’s new gig. From now on, he’ll be one of them and he’ll be the next big name in town. 

Or at least that’s what he wants to happen. He’s hopeful.


	8. a place to belong

“What are you--” Seungkwan starts to question out before he’s cut off by Jeonghan pressing something against his cheek rather firmly. “What are you putting on me?” Jeonghan is a little bit too close for his liking, to the point where the male’s cologne is starting to fill his senses and even making him a little dizzy. The elder just laughs and keeps patting at his face with a powder puff. 

 

“Just making sure you don’t look too shiny out there.” Jeonghan replies simply and Seungkwan feels himself untense slightly now that he knows it’s just some makeup. “I just worry that you’re going to be overwhelmed by all the drink orders coming at you all at once.” 

 

“Well, I’m not too worried about that myself…. I mean, I worked in a restaurant for years so I think I’m used to the rush. I just don’t know too much about alcohol in the first place so I hope you guys can watch over me and make sure I’m actually making things right…” 

 

“It’s going to be all four of us and Jihoon. You’ll be fine.” Jeonghan’s words are reassuring enough but as soon as he’s done powdering Seungkwan’s face to his liking, he leans back against the couch and lets out a sigh. “I’m still worried about you. This is a bar, after all. I can’t promise that everything is going to go easy because any night here can be unpredictable.” 

 

“I’m not exactly nervous either though…” Seungkwan admits as one of his hands travels upwards to brush over his now soft cheek. “More than anything, I just feel lucky enough to even secure a job as good as this one. I’m sure I’ll be fine as long as you guys don’t force me to get up and sing and dance on my first night.” 

 

“Of course we wouldn’t!” Soonyoung chimes in as he enters their breakroom, now finished with all of his hair and makeup styling as well. “Not unless you were dying to get up and perform already.”

 

As Soonyoung takes his spot on the other side of Seungkwan, and it’s like Seungkwan is being squished in the middle between both of them. There’s a moment where he glances between Soonyoung, with his silky black hair and perfectly lined eyeliner and then over to Jeonghan, whose complexion is so pretty and his features are so naturally handsome that it literally looks like he could have walked out of some painting. Seungkwan’s not sure whether he’s feeling attracted to both of them or if he’s completely incomparable to guys like their type. Either way, he’s not even sure if he’s feeling self conscious or jealous or even maybe somewhat captivated by them all at the same time.

 

It’s a difficult feeling to come to terms with. He’s lucky that Soonyoung is kind of an idiot though because if he wasn’t a complete sap, he might be contemplating whether he actually finds him hot or not. 

 

“So, did you decide what kind of stage name you want to go with?” Soonyoung asks rather excitedly as he lets his head plop down onto Seungkwan’s shoulder, staring up at him with eyes just about ready to sparkle. “I was thinking we could just go with Boo. My Boo. Or Booboo. How cute is that?” 

 

“It would be cute if he was like… five years old.” Jeonghan replies back with a scoff. “I was thinking we could just go with Kwan to keep it simple.” 

 

Soonyoung lets out a hum as he thinks about it some more. “Kwan is fine but it needs a little something more. How about we go with Kwannie? That adds a little bit of a cute factor.” 

 

“Honestly?” Seungkwan rightfully inserted himself into their conversation since it was about him in the first place. “Just call me whatever you’d like. I really don’t mind either one as long as you’re both fine with it.” 

 

“Alright, he’s Boo.” Soonyoung decides with a firm nod.

 

“He’s still Kwan to me.” Jeonghan replies back. 

 

Junhui enters the room shortly after with a smug grin playing on his features. “I prefer Kwannie, but that’s just my opinion. Anyways, Jihoon said the place is already filling up so we need to get out there soon. Like as soon as we finish getting ready we need to go.” 

 

Soonyoung practically jumps up from his seat first, clearly ready to introduce Seungkwan to his first night on the job. He pulls Seungkwan to his feet first, then tending to Jeonghan who takes a little more time and effort to get up from the couch. He’s practically ready to skip as they make their was from their break room down through various hallways that Seungkwan assumes leads to the bar. “This is so exciting! It’s been so long since we’ve had a new member!” 

 

“You might not want to get too excited before the night even starts…” Jeonghan reminded him. “Working 10 to 5 is still an eight hour shift after all. Conserve some energy for your performances.” 

 

“You’re right but… I’m just happy. That’s all.” Soonyoung simply replied back as he decided to slow down just a little bit for now. “Because Seungkwan is here maybe his presence will give me a little boost of excitement to dance with later. I have to impress him on his first day after all.” 

 

Seungkwan just laughs a little bit under his breath as they keep walking on a little further. Loud bass from the nearby music is vibrating through the walls and the floor beneath their feet as well as the mingling of voices in the distance. They must be close now. There’s some first day jitters sending butterflies through his stomach for real now. He might have told his friends he wasn’t nervous before and he was honest about that, but now he’s finally starting to get anxious. 

 

Junhui arrives at what he assumes to be the final door and hesitates for one last second as he turns around to glance at Seungkwan. “This is it. You sure you don’t want to run away and back out before it’s too late?” He assumes that he might just be kidding but for Seungkwan, this really is the last chance to decide if he’s in or not. He could say no and walk away before getting attached, therefore escaping all of the possible list of negative outcomes that could happen tonight. He might be a horrible waiter, mix up a bunch of orders, have the regulars not accept him, or completely crack under the pressure of living up to this bar’s reputation. There’s a lot of things that could go wrong. 

 

But then there’s also a lot of things that could go right.

 

And when he’s here with Soonyoung, Junhui, and Jeonghan, he honestly feels like something is right. 

 

Seungkwan swallows all of his worries away when he swallows the invisible lump that had formed in the back of his throat. He shoots a smile in Junhui’s direction and nods resolutely. “I’m in. Now hurry and open that door already. I wouldn’t want to keep the customers waiting any longer.” 

 

So Junhui does. As soon as the door is open it’s almost like the combination of music along with all of the people’s voices hit him all at once. The door leads right into the center behind the bar and there’s a few hundred people just staring at them, with nothing but the counter in front of him holding them back. When the crowd recognizes the regular and already very popular staff members there’s a clear round of cheers and applause now that the show is about to start. They might not even be interested in Seungkwan in the first place but it still feels like everyone’s attention is directed right at him. 

 

The bright neon lights shining around the venue are all too distracting and hot against his forehead. Seungkwan feels a bit dizzy and maybe even a little sick from the nerves. Luckily, there’s a warm hand being placed on his shoulder. It shakes him out of his thoughts for now at least.

 

“Ready to get started?” Jihoon asks with a bit of a playful smile on his features as Seungkwan tries to shake himself out of his feelings. “I’ll keep you in the middle of the bar with me and Jeonghan on both sides of you so we can help out when need be. I know it’s loud but just yell out for one of us if you have any questions.” 

 

If Jihoon weren’t there with that hand on his shoulder to physically push him over to where he should be standing, Seungkwan wasn’t even sure if he would be able to do so himself. Either way, as soon as he’s put into dead center of the bar and Jeonghan assists him with tying a small apron around his waist to collect cash with, Seungkwan’s forced to just rely on instincts and go with the flow.

 

He teams up with Jeonghan for awhile first, where he works up some confidence in greeting the customers and filling up some of the easier orders of drinks. He sticks to filling up the beers and drinks that only require one or two mixtures while Jeonghan handles the more complex things and walks him through the steps. At first it felt like his smile was kind of difficult to find naturally. It was almost like he had to force himself to make any facial expression at all because he was so self conscious about every movement he made. But as the first hour passed and various customers showed interest in meeting him, it became more and more easy to find his real smile within. 

 

It was pretty fun after all. He was always on the move to go get ice or go get some different ingredient that the hour seemed to pass by quickly. While navigating the bar to find something he could momentarily bump into Junhui or Soonyoung for a quick chat, and have the elders dote on him with a little head pat or a side hug along the way. But because he was exposed to so many new people in such a short amount of time he ran into some pretty interesting characters along the way. 

 

Multiple people had told him that he’s cute. It’s a bar so he expects people with impaired judgement to find him attractive. It just goes along with the territory. But what he wasn’t exactly expecting people to actually pay him to take a love shot with them. 

 

“How much is he?” 

 

Seungkwan heard some customer question out, in which he turned a very questioning eyebrow to Jeonghan. Certainly he did not want to be for sale. 

 

Jeonghan leaned down to whisper in his ear. “They want to take a love shot together with you. It’s the same as in Korea. Just link arms and take the shot. Now how much do you want to set your price? Make sure it’s not too low.” 

 

“Uh…. ten dollars?” Seungkwan questioned back, completely unsure of what the typical price for these things really were in the first place. 

 

“That’s going to be $40 for a love shot with Kwan.” Jeonghan announces and the customer immediately forks over the money without questioning it too much. As the elder is preparing the drink Seungkwan’s eyes widen enough to almost fall out of his head. 

 

“Forty dollars?” He nearly shrieks out as Jeonghan just pushes the money into his hands. “Did I not just say ten?”

 

“You need to know your worth here. If people are willing to pay a lot, then that’s just more that goes in your pocket. By the way, for love shots you put $10 into the bar’s money and pocket all the rest as your tip. You just made a $30 tip while barely doing any work. You’re welcome by the way.” Jeonghan grins at him momentarily before finishing up the shots that he was preparing for Seungkwan and the customer. “Now let me teach you something else. Watch me real closely, alright?” 

Jeonghan briefly taps the previous customer’s shoulder for a moment in order to get their attention before leaning in a little closer, his eyes already filled with something unlike Seungkwan’s ever seen from him before. “Would you mind doing a shot with me too? I’d like to show our new member how because it’s his first time.” 

 

The customer is quick to nod and agree to Jeonghan’s proposal, not only because it’s on the house but also because Jeonghan really knows his way with people and this person is already clearly charmed by him. All it really took was one look and a sly smile and Jeonghan gets exactly what he wants. He takes a quick love shot while locking arms with the customer, downing the shot into the back of his throat. Then he turns around to Seungkwan and pretends to down another shot out of an empty glass that can’t be seen by customers, but spits the original love shot into the unfilled one. He sends a quick wink in Seungkwan’s direction before emptying the liquid into a drain below. “See what I did there?” 

 

“So I really don’t have to drink it as long as they can’t really see what I did with it?” Seungkwan leans in to whisper one last time just to make sure. Surely it does seem like a waste of perfectly good alcohol, but Jihoon did tell him not to worry about it because it was all paid for in the first place. 

 

“Exactly. You could drink it if you wanted to but I wouldn’t recommend it until it’s at least midnight.” Jeonghan chuckled under his breath as he started to set up a whole line of shots along the bar counter. There were about ten in front of Seungkwan and ten lined up in front of the customers. “Because you’re new a lot of people are going to want to drink with you. The shots in front of you are all water, while the customers have alcohol. I’m going to do what a good manager does and exploit you for money so you better actually drink these ones and make it look good.” 

 

Seungkwan doesn’t exactly get what Jeonghan is getting at until the elder pulls out a megaphone and signals for Soonyoung to hit the switch on the wall to pause the music. It only takes a few seconds later for Jeonghan to climb up on the counter and switch the device on. “It’s time for the first event of tonight!” He has to announce out loud in order to get everyone’s attention and quiet the crowd down. “We’ve added a new member to the team tonight so we’re going to do a little something special…. For the next ten people to make their way to the bar with $50, you’ll be able to share a love shot with our new member Kwan! Hell, I’ll even allow for a picture with him too. This is limited to the next ten people because next hour, I’m raising his price to $60!” 

 

For the next moment as Seungkwan visibly watches people fight the way to get past the crowds and make their way to the bar in time, he’s strangely overwhelmed yet in disbelief at the same time. People really don’t mind paying money for this? He remembers how Mingyu and Minghao had told him that some of the cast that works here almost become like mini celebrities after working here for a long time. Maybe this price is cheap considering how much his friends charge for love shots with them. A bunch of people might want to meet him only because he’s a rookie and they don’t know what he has in store for them talentwise yet. 

 

Either way, Jeonghan has a pleased look on his face as he easily finds some of the first people to pair Seungkwan up with. The clientele of Jihoon’s Hell Hole is all over the place. Surely there’s the mix of college students, wild bachelor and bachelorette parties, as well as the lonely business workers who wander in after a tough day’s work. But what surprises Seungkwan the most is that people of all genders, varying ages, and clearly coming from different backgrounds all have interest in meeting him. Although this is just a job, he feels like he’s selling himself as a character somewhat. He would have never expected so many different types of people to actually want to pay to even meet someone like him. 

 

Of course he’s a bit shy and inexperienced at knowing what to do in situations like this, but Jeonghan and Jihoon are there to help take pictures for him and kind of push the conversation in the right place when he’s unsure of what to do. Overall though, Seungkwan’s always been a people person. It’s just that he needs a little warming up to do when it comes to this type of job environment. 

 

After all, it just seems all too good to be true still. Surely most of the night is spent working his ass off by running all around the bar to hurry and make drinks, but that doesn’t mean that they don’t have a little fun as well. He switches between working with Jeonghan, to Soonyoung, and then Junhui for a little while until the clock strikes midnight. Seungkwan doesn’t exactly know what makes midnight special but they seem to be at peak capacity and Jihoon’s telling him to stop serving drinks for now. 

 

Before he can even ask about what’s about to go down, he’s just told to get a clean towel and make sure the bar counter is completely clean, dry, and spotless. 

 

Seconds later, Jeonghan is back on his megaphone to announce another important message. “The bar will be closing for the next ten minutes for a special dance performance from Hoshi and Jun. Remember to keep back, no flash photography, and especially don’t touch the dancers.” He adds the last part like a warning, almost as if this type of thing happens all the time. 

 

Soonyoung gives Seungkwan’s hip a little playful nudge with his own as he pushes past him to climb up on the bar counter. “Hope you like what you see.” 

 

Seungkwan doesn’t exactly know if that’s a warning either not but he decides to get himself a soda and watch whatever show is happening right now. The lights go down for the remainder of time it takes for Junhui to join Soonyoung up on the bar counter, where they get themselves into position. Almost as if they’re programmed by some system, as soon as the music kicks on the strobe lights illuminate the room to show the two male’s silhouettes on the wall. The anticipation for the two of them to start dancing rises as there’s some cheers around the room. Then they start to move. 

 

The lights have a lot of interesting colors and effects as his friends start to dance, but Seungkwan is more mesmerized while watching the speed and precision of Soonyoung and Junhui’s movements. The song is only getting started but the audience is clearly captivated in their performance. Seungkwan just assumed it to be some sort of hip hop dance, since he didn’t know much about dance terms in the first place, but as the lyrics start to flow through the speakers it’s clear that the voices singing happen to belong to his friends. It’s a full on performance all by Soonyoung and Junhui. Seungkwan’s jaw just kind of drops. 

 

They’re good. He kind of assumed that already. But he didn’t know that they were going to be  _ this _ good. 

 

It’s clear to say that Seungkwan forgets about enjoying his breaktime drink because he’s too entranced in watching every moment that passes. It’s almost like he can’t believe these were his real friends right now. He’s pretty sure they’ve gone over the level of what is considered to be dancing because there’s too many spins and flips and whatever else. This is not just a dance but a full on performance. Now Seungkwan kind of gets what Soonyoung meant when he said Junhui accidentally kicked someone in the face before. It all makes sense now. 

 

As the ten minutes of their performance pass a bit too fast for Seungkwan’s liking, soon Junhui and Soonyoung hop off the bar as the audience responds with a thundering round of applause. Seungkwan’s also pretty sure he hears people screaming off in the distance as well. He can’t think about that for long though because Junhui walks up to him and takes the soda out of his hand, fully helping himself to it. It’s not like Seungkwan minds anyways. He can’t really worry about his lost drink either because a rather sweaty but still excited Soonyoung comes up to him.

 

“So, how was my performance?” He asks rather cheerfully despite being clearly tired out. “I choreographed it all by myself!” 

 

“Soonyoung, I don’t know how to tell you this enough but you’re amazing. Honestly, that was incredible and I still can’t believe it really happened.” Seungkwan compliments him because it seems like that’s all he was looking for in the first place. The simple words make Soonyoung beam instantly, so it’s all worth it. 

 

Almost as soon as the performance is over, there’s a rush in front of the bar. People need refills of their drinks now that they’re finally back open. But now it’s only left to just Jihoon, Jeonghan, and himself to deal with all of the drunk and rather impatient guests. He’s left to fend for himself without anyone to train with. It’s a bit nerve wracking still but Seungkwan tries his best to keep up with the orders without stressing out. 

 

He’s doing pretty well because he hasn’t had to ask for any help yet but the people keep coming and coming. It’s already overwhelming but it’s even more so whe some guy standing really close to his section of the bar caught his attention. All he’s doing is just watching him intently. The guy is already kind of big, clearly fit and quite a bit taller than Seungkwan himself. He’s dressed nicely in a suit but that doesn’t make his gaze feel any less piercing into Seungkwan’s soul. If anything, now he just feels even more self conscious about his drink mixing abilities. 

 

“Uh… Hey, Jihoon.” Seungkwan drawls out under his breath as Jihoon nears him to grab an ingredient. “What’s up with that guy over there?” 

 

All it takes it one look from Jihoon before the shorter male lets out an amused laugh. “Seungkwan, that’s our security guard.” 

 

Seungkwan’s mouth makes a little circle shape as he realizes now that he’s not exactly being stared at after all. He’s just monitoring and doing his job. And he’s probably paying extra close attention to himself because he’s making sure no one messes with him on the first day. His staring is much less creepy and much more appreciated now. 

 

“Wait, you didn’t meet him yet?” Jihoon asks out in response to Seungkwan’s surprise. “I told the guys to introduce you but I guess that’s just evidence of how careless they can really be, huh. His name is Choi Seungcheol though. Our head security guard. I know he looks kind of… well, upset or angry but that’s just the way his face rests. He’s actually a really chill guy once you get to know him.” 

 

Seungkwan will look forward to meeting him another time, for tonight is just too hectic and he needs to get used to his responsibilities at work before he can even start slacking off. The rest of the night sort of follows the same pattern. There’s a performance, maybe even a game with the guests here and there, then there’s another rush to the bar where he scrambles to make drinks. In between all the hurriedness he spends his very limited amount of slow time making small talk with the customers. Overall, he likes his job so far and the way his apron starts to feel weighed down with tips certainly feels nice as well. 

 

He might not fit in completely yet, and he might be awkward at making drinks and sometimes occasionally mess up but he’s having fun. That’s all he was really looking for in a job anyways. But even so, at least he found a place where he can have such nice friends as well. 

  
  
  


. . . . . 

  
  


Seungkwan finally finishes his shift at the bar around the time the sun finally starts to rise again. It’s been a good day but an exhausting one at that. Too many things happened all at once and now he’s really just looking forward to going home and immediately collapsing into his bed. All of the guys, even Jihoon, suggest going out to eat some breakfast as a mini celebration of his first day but Seungkwan politely declines. He’s going to work tomorrow night as well so he needs to get some rest. 

 

Either way, his friends decide to hang out at their favorite early morning place, the Rose Quartz & Serenity Diner, and they offer him a ride there because it’s close enough to his place. Junhui and Jeonghan head straight for the food while Soonyoung inists rather passionately that he would feel much safer if he was able to walk Seungkwan home. It’s completely unnecessary but there’s not much he can really say to convince him otherwise. 

 

So then it’s just the two of them. They walk the rest of the way back to Seungkwan’s apartment with their hands tightly tucked into the pockets of their jackets in the cold early morning. Sometimes there’s a shiver shared between them but that’s all. Seungkwan doesn’t feel like making much of a conversation because he’s so tired but he can tell that something is on Soonyoung’s mind as soon as the two of them are finally alone. 

 

He’s not exactly sure what the other is planning on asking him, but he can tell he’s hesitating by the way he keep glancing over in secret, almost as if he’s not sure if he can’t bring himself to say it. 

 

By the time they arrive in front of Seungkwan’s complex, he finally lets it out. 

 

“You’re not going to tell Vernon about this…. right?” 

 

“About what?” Seungkwan asks out of confusion. “That I know you?” 

 

Soonyoung just smiles a little and shakes his head. “No, I don’t care if you tell him that you met me. It’s just that I was wondering if you were going to tell him that you work together with me now, in the bar.” 

 

“I mean, we’re friends so it seems like something we would end up talking about someday... ” Seungkwan blinked at Soonyoung for a moment, unsure of what he was really trying to get at right now. “But should I…. not?” 

 

“Honestly? I don’t think you should.” Soonyoung genuinely admitted as he shrugged his shoulders, hands still remaining in his pockets. “Not that Jihoon didn’t stress it enough already, but relationships don’t belong in our bar.”

 

“I heard all about that but… I’m not even dating him. I am interested in dating him but it’s nothing that serious as of yet because we’re just enjoying getting to know each other as friends right n-” 

 

“I’m just saying. If you want to be something more with him someday, then you better not get him involved with your job at the bar.” Soonyoung interrupts him mid sentence, still resolute on making sure Seungkwan knows this. “Trust me, I’ve seen it countless times before.” 

 

“Seen what?” 

 

“Just…” Soonyoung pauses for a moment, as if he’s not exactly sure how to get the words out there correctly. “Sometimes our bar can bring out the worst in people. It’s best to keep him out of it as long as you can.” 

 

Seungkwan isn’t exactly sure how to reply to him either. He just lets out a long sigh and shrugs his shoulders as well. “I guess I won’t mention it to him then…” 

 

Soonyoung just smiles at him and raises his hand upwards to pat at the top of his head softly. “You’ve worked hard today. No go and get some rest before you have to do it all over again tomorrow night.” 

 

His words make Seungkwan chuckle a bit, so he just nods his head and sends Soonyoung off to the diner with a wave. Maybe one of these nights he’ll be joining all of them after a work shift too someday. As for now, he just really needs to get some sleep. Each step up to his apartment is extremely heavy and groggy but he somehow makes it back alive. He throws his phone somewhere in his mess of blankets and sinks into his soft bedding without any other care in the world. 

  
  


. . . . . 

  
  


He’s eventually awakened to a phone call sometime later. He blindly fumbles around for the source of the noise with one hand while his tired eyes still remain closed, but when he finally peeks at the screen he jolts up in bed. Hansol is calling. It’s 3PM. He has two missed texts from him, four from Chan, and a bunch more from Mingyu. 

 

Seungkwan completely forgot that they had plans to hang out again this weekend. 

 

It’s almost as if he instantly snaps out of his sleep as soon as he realizes Hansol is calling, and that his name is going to disappear from his phone if he doesn’t answer right this exact second. 

 

“Hansol, I really didn’t hear your previous texts and I sleep right through them… I’m so sorry for not getting back to you sooner but I literally just woke up so um… please don’t think I’m an asshole for standing you up?” 

 

He hears Vernon laugh softly from the other side of the line and he knows the other was never really mad at him in the first place. “And I’m sorry for double texting you too but the both the morning and the afternoon text passed and usually you reply right away. I figured I should probably call and figure out if you’re still alive or not.” 

 

“I’m alive. I’m very tired so it doesn’t exactly feel like it, but I’m still alive.” Seungkwan admits as he tries his best to control his voice from sounding too sleepy. “I found a new job as a waiter but it’s only for the night shift. Yesterday was my first day and it kind of hit me hard.” 

 

“Hm, I get it. I don’t blame you for wanting to sleep the whole day away after dealing with customers in this city.” 

 

“I still want to go out with you though.” Seungkwan finds himself blurting out suddenly. The words left his lips before he could really control himself but after they’re out there, he’s left wondering if they’re too bold or not. He attempts to do a little damage control. “I mean… if you still want to that is.” 

 

“How fast can you get ready?” Hansol asks back as if it’s some kind of challenge and Seungkwan can almost feel him smiling through the other side of the phone. 

 

“Normally I would say 30 minutes but last night was rough. How about you give me an hour and then show up at my doorstep?” Seungkwan suggests back equally as playfully. He hears Hansol hum on the other side of the line to assure him that he’ll pick him up then. He honestly couldn’t believe it was as easy as that to get another date out of him. 

 

He (accidentally) ignored his messages all day and still got Hansol to flirt with him on the phone? Boo Seungkwan was really making progress in the dating department these days. 

 

As he set his phone down again and hurried off to get ready for their day together, Seungkwan couldn’t even bother to hide the wide smile spreading across his face. 

  
  


. . . . . 

 

If there’s something Seungkwan could point out about each and every one of his meetings with Hansol, it’s that they follow sort of the same pattern.  

 

They end up meeting. They stare at each other and smile while gently insisting back and forth about what each other wants to do while standing there on the sidewalk. After finally deciding on an activity, they relax a bit and get to know each other more in the process. Then they walk each other home and stand in the hallway in front of their doors, smiling and staring at each other while insisting for someone to end up leaving first. That’s how it’s always been and that’s how it is today as well. Or at least how Seungkwan expects it to. 

 

“Anywhere in particular you have to go?” Vernon ends up asking first like usual, in which Seungkwan will shake his head and just smile up at him. What’s a little bit different this time is that his date doesn’t even have to insist for him to choose what he wants a second time.

 

“How about we go and check out Central Park?” Vernon says next as if he’s already got an idea of what he wants to do there. Almost like he had already planned out days before. “We could go on a walk and stop and grab food at one of the restaurants hidden in the park. There’s also a lot of dogs and I know you love to wave at the dogs you pass on the street so…” 

 

As he trails off about that part, Seungkwan finds himself laughing as he’s eager to nod.  “You’re right, I do love to do that. I’ve also really wanted to check out that place so I’ll be happy if we go there.” 

 

They end up taking a taxi there and on the ride Vernon asks him a few questions about his new job. It’s not like he didn’t feel comfortable with Vernon asking him, but what Soonyoung had warned him about last night had started to linger in his thoughts. He had to think about how to respond carefully without giving too many details. It almost feels like he’s lying to say that he’s just a waiter and does some bartending sometimes, and the fact that he had used the word  _ restaurant _ in the first place. He’s leaving out the important details but because the basics are all there he tries to feel less bad about not being completely honest. 

 

Autumn in the city is unlike anything that Seungkwan had ever really experienced before. It might be a little too cold for his liking, but he loves the way that the season is so present here. The concrete city’s grey buildings make way for a huge strip of trees, almost as if they go on for miles and miles ahead. He can’t even see where they end. The green looks so pretty in contrast to all of the skyscrapers but even more so that the trees are tinted orange with their new fall colors. 

 

Almost as instantly as Seungkwan gets out of the taxi, he realizes the crunchy leaves are scattered all over the pavement, as if they’re a trail that leads into the huge maze of a park. It’s safe to say that he’s a little more than excited to explore it all, and even impatiently so. While Hansol occupies himself with paying the driver he can’t help but to kick around with some of the leaves rather childishly. It’s still fun at his age. 

 

As Vernon approaches him again with a small smile playing on his lips, Seungkwan feels his cheeks flushing slightly from being caught in the act. 

 

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Seungkwan tries to question back as if that would save his image somewhat. “You’ve got this weird smug look on your face.” 

 

“You’re cute. That’s all.” 

 

Seungkwan’s cheeks only betray him more in this moment. He’s pretty sure his flush has reached the tips of his ears as well. The only thing he can really do is scoff and turn away before starting to march into the park, leaving the other behind for a moment and forcing him to run a bit to join him by his side.

 

Hansol’s laughing softly as he catches up and unfortunately Seungkwan realizes he likes that sound a whole lot. “Hey, what’s so wrong with calling you cute? Do you have some kind of complex against that or something weird I should know about?” 

 

“No.” Seungkwan responds back simply, somewhat unintentionally pouting his lips out as he looks to the ground, unable to really look Hansol in the eye right now. “It’s just that you should probably give me a warning before you say something like that.” 

 

“A warning?” Hansol questions back for a moment before smiling a little more. “Okay. You’re cute. There’s your warning this time.” 

 

Seungkwan can only roll his eyes and lightly push his shoulder away for the time being. They continue to walk on and take in the sights of the park. It’s a little unseasonably warm for the day so Seungkwan wants to push himself to explore as much as possible because he doesn’t exactly know when he’ll be able to come back here with winter approaching. He also doesn’t know when he’ll be able to have Hansol by his side either so he wants to make the most of the moment. 

 

They do all of the things that Hansol had promised and even a few more. They pointed out all of the cute dogs to each other and even pet quite a few. Hansol told him some stories about the famous sights in the park. The visited some ponds and walked over some bridges and did a bit of snacking and even people watching along the way. The most important thing they end up doing is talk to each other though. Everytime they meet, Seungkwan looks forwards to learning a little bit more and Hansol the most. 

 

People are all over the park, whether they be walking or biking or even just sitting on the grass with their family members, good friends, or other loved ones. Seungkwan suggests they sit down on the grass as well because honestly, it looks like the perfect thing to do on a date. They might not have brought any blanket like all the other families or couples around but he still really wants to sit and relax with Hansol and just talk with him more honestly. They don’t even have to be in any special place because he likes Hansol’s company the most. 

 

After doing a little pulling of Hansol’s arm in the right direction, they find an empty and somewhat more secluded place to rest under a tree. It’s perfect for Seungkwan. Not only can he find a place in this park where he feels just enough far away from everyone else to get a little closer to Hansol, but he can also watch all of the pretty leaves fall from above. Seungkwan feels a lot more content than he has in a while. 

 

He misses Chan a lot though. Even though he’s busy he still finds himself thinking of him a lot. Maybe if he were here right now things would really be perfect. 

 

“Is something wrong?” Hansol questions out, as if he had somehow noticed the change in Seungkwan’s expression even sooner than he had imagined it himself. 

 

The unexpected question makes Seungkwan blink a few times in surprise. “Um, not exactly… I was just thinking about something.” 

 

“Is this place not good enough? We could move to a place more close to the pond if you’d like. Or we could even find some benches if you’d prefer.” 

 

Seungkwan just smiles softly and shakes his head. “No, it’s nothing like that. I’m happy here and I’m having a lot of fun with you here, Hansol. It’s just that sometimes when I’m seeing new places I can’t help but to wish my best friend were here to see it too.” 

 

“Oh.” Vernon responds back, this time with a small frown of his own forming on his face. “Sounds like you’re starting to feel homesick.” 

 

“Nah, I don’t think it’s really that bad. It’s just that I can’t help but wishing I could bring everyone here with me sometimes even though I know I can’t have it all. It’s just a little hopeless desire.” Seungkwan admits with a small laugh as he tries to shake himself out of thinking about it too much longer. “My friend wants to visit sometime though. Maybe in a few months. It would be nice if we could all do something together.” 

 

“If they’re your best friend then I’m sure I’ll get along with them too.” Vernon replies back a bit hopefully as well. Seungkwan can almost see that he’s trying to keep things positive in order to keep his mood up and he’s appreciative of that. “Why don’t you tell me about your best friend? Maybe you’ll miss them a bit less if you can remember all of the good times you shared together.” 

 

Seungkwan isn’t exactly sure where to start of summarizing how he and Chan ended up meeting but there’s a lot of funny and nonsensical stories that he can include in order to give Hansol enough of an understanding. He didn’t really expect him to be so interested anyways but even through all the explaining of inside jokes and things that he would only get if he were actually there, Hansol still stays. He even goes to the point of resting his back against the tree that they’re seated near, comfortable in just listening to the conversation and nodding along. 

 

When Seungkwan decides that he’s been talking too much about himself for today, he finds himself scooting over a little closer to Hansol in order to rest his own back against the tree as well. “What about you?” He asks as he leans in a little closer. “What are your friends like? And I mean other than Soonyoung and Seokmin because I already met the two of them at the diner.” 

 

Hansol’s eyes widen in pleasant surprise as he hears their names mentioned. “Wait, you guys know each other now?” 

 

“Long story. I got jet lag, it was late at night or early morning, I was one of the only people there and ended up talking to them.” Seungkwan summarizes briefly before pushing him on. “Who do you like to spend time with when you’re not working or making music?” 

 

“I used to be roommates with Soonyoung. We still hang out sometimes but… not so much as of recently. I see Seokmin more often in the diner as well, but we don’t hang out much outside of the time we spend in the restaurant. Things are always really busy at my work and I work a bunch of extra hours because I live alone and I need to pay for everything by myself. I guess you could say I’m the type who prefers to hang out by myself because after working all day I really crave alone time to catch up with all my thoughts.” 

 

As Seungkwan listens to Hansol speak about himself openly like this, he does nothing else but watch for the little leaves of the tree above them flutter around every time the wind picks up. Silence is fine between them until one of them thinks up another question. “At least it seems like you like being alone, right? I’m the opposite. If I’m alone for even a few hours I start to get bored.” 

 

“I like being alone when I want to be alone. I don’t like feeling lonely though. There’s a clear difference between the two.” Hansol admits as he lets out a soft sigh, glancing up to the treetop with Seungkwan as well. “Sometimes you can’t help but to feel lonely in a city as big as this though.” 

 

Seungkwan averts his eyes over to Hansol’s expression and gets caught up in looking at his light brown eyes instead. They look so pretty along with the orange leaves. There’s something stirring in his chest. It’s like he wants to keep Hansol all for himself from now on. 

 

He can’t really say anything. Maybe there isn’t anything to say after a statement like Hansol’s after all. But as for now he lets his head gently tip sideways to fall onto the other’s shoulder and rest there. Hansol doesn’t move or question him about it, for which Seungkwan is grateful. 

 

Seungkwan just smiles and lets his eyelids slip shut. “I just want to say, I’ve never felt alone in this city not even once since I met you.” 


	9. finding lyrics to the music

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i want to say that you can read my full, properly typed out and grammatically correct version of the diamond edge fanmeeting here: citruseungkwan.tumblr.com/post/170896435953   
> (im dumb and i dont know how to do html link here so im sorry to make u copy and paste it...) 
> 
> in other news, i love boo seungkwan  
> @citruseungkwan on both twitter/tumblr

Although Seungkwan would really prefer to spend the rest of his night with Hansol, he has to commit to the new job he’s started and eventually makes his way over to the bar after not so willingly parting with his neighbor. 

 

Seungkwan had fallen asleep on his shoulder. If that alone wasn’t embarrassing enough, he had managed to waste a solid hour of date time while sleeping. He had only meant to rest his eyes and relax a little but he slept for a  _ whole hour _ on Chwe Hansol’s shoulder. Clearly exhausted from working last night, he just wishes he didn’t accidentally drool or sleep with his mouth open. Hansol would probably be too polite to tell him if he did or not anyways so it’s just a silent prayer. 

 

In the break room, Seungkwan gets dressed into some clothes that don’t exactly fit his personal taste but they work for the type of role he plays. He pats on some powder and fusses with his hair a bit, all while thinking about Hansol and how nice it felt to spend that moment with him. Even though he wasn’t exactly awake for most of it, the warmth from the other male’s body feels like a ghostly imprint against his shoulder. It’s almost like a constant reminder. He’s longing to feel it again already. 

 

It can’t be helped. They both live busy lifestyles. Any progress with Hansol will have to wait for the next time they unexpectedly run into each other. 

 

Just as Seungkwan sinks down into his seat and a sigh is about to leave his lips, the buzzing of his phone in his pocket catches his attention instead. The first thought that crosses his mind is that it might be Hansol so he practically lunges for the phone out of his pocket. Reading Chan’s name flicker across the screen makes him feel slightly disappointed, but his hopes are replaced by a whole different type of happiness only seconds later. 

 

It’s been awhile since he’s been able to actually hear Chan’s voice instead of sending mistimed texts back and forth all day. 

 

“Lee Chan, you’re not going to believe what I’m telling you but I’m currently employed and sitting in the break room of my new job! I got hired somewhere already! It’s almost like a miracle!” 

 

Chan laughs warmly at his enthusiasm but he grows rather curious when he realizes what time it is in America.  _ “Hold on, why are you working so late? I thought you wanted to give up night shifts for good.”  _

 

_ “ _ That was the plan but this one pays so well that I only have to work on the weekend and a few nights when I’m not in school. Some mutual friends hooked me up with a job as a bartender at this super popular place in town. They even do performances and events and my friends are even kind of famous online. It’s kind of crazy how I got thrown into this mess too but that’s basically the summary.” 

 

_ “That sounds….. interesting.” _ Chan seems to struggle with words for a moment.  _ “Not to mention, kind of dangerous all at the same time? What kind of performances are you talking about here because this all kind of sounds like some sort of front for some shady underground shit.”  _

 

“They literally only sing and dance here. It’s like an bar with entertainers.” 

 

_ “Entertainers? _ ” Chan repeats back rather skeptically.  _ “This is sounding more and more unsafe the more I hear about it. You’re in New York City, Seungkwan. They might label your co-workers as entertainers but that sounds like a code name for prostitution if you get what I mean.”  _

 

Seungkwan just scoffs at his best friend’s overprotectiveness. “You’re really thinking too much into it, Chan. There’s nothing like that going on here. My boss went over the rules and we’re forbidden to even form relationships with customers. Hell, we’re not even allowed to use our real name just in case they get attached either.” 

 

Chan stays silent for a moment before letting out a long sigh.  _ “Listen, I’m not trying to ruin your excitement about this new job but something doesn’t seem right here to me. Especially because you can’t use your real name and identity. What happens if something goes wrong? It’s like there’s no trace of you ever being there. This all just sounds like you’re being coerced into being some weird sort of host boy.”  _

 

Seungkwan doesn’t really know how to convince Chan to calm down about this matter, but he certainly doesn’t want him to worry about it any further. “This place is really nice, Chan. I’ll even send you the name and the address so you can check out it’s reputation. I was the one who agreed to everything and I’m grateful for the opportunity they gave me to work here. I know I can’t convince you not to worry because you’re so far away and you can’t exactly see it for yourself but I feel perfectly safe here. My friends and my boss are really protective over me so I trust them.” 

 

_ “Alright.”  _ Chan decides to drop it for now, knowing all too well that he’s pressing a little too much for Seungkwan’s liking.  _ “I’m not fully convinced yet, but as for now I’ll take your word for it. Just keep your guard up please. And keep your neighbor and your friends updated in case anything strange starts happening.” _

 

“I promise I’ll keep my eye out for any red flags but honestly, everything seems to be just fine around here for me. Of course I’m really tired and I wish I didn’t have to work two late nighters in a row, but I am having a lot of fun. I just hope that I’ll be able to get up on stage and sing sometime soon.” 

 

_ “It’s strange. I wish all of the same things for you as well but why do I feel so goddamn overprotective about you like this? _ ” Chan admitted, finally starting to laugh a little from his side of the phone as well.  _ “Maybe it’s because I know you’re not going to ever tell your parents that you work the night shift in a bar.”  _

Seungkwan just groans out and throws his head back into the couch cushions behind him. “I swear to god, Lee Chan, you better not try to blackmail me with this information someday. If even one of my sisters found out about this they would come all the way here and literally drag me by the ear all the way back home.” 

 

_ “I’m glad you agree with me that they would absolutely freak out.” _ Chan responds back rather cheekily.  _ “Now that just means I can start blackmailing you about other things though, right? You don’t want me to tell your parents? Then you better send me a box of snacks and souvenirs in order to keep your secret safe.” _

 

_ “ _ Literally, shut up, Chan. You know there’s a whole list of high school stories I could dig up about you too so you better not try to test me too much.” Seungkwan responds back with an equally playful grin as he finds the two of them going back into a much more familiar tone with each other. “You know, I would love to bring up examples of this but wouldn’t it be more nice to tell you all the progress I made with Hansol just hours ago?” 

 

_ “You better not be finding Hansol more interesting than me to talk about…. but anyways, yes I would really like to know.”  _

 

And Seungkwan just laughs and wastes no time going into detail because finding time to talk to Chan like this is becoming more and more rare these days. Life is moving a little too fast here in the city and the more he settles in, the more he worries that they’ll start to grow used to living life apart. 

  
  
  


. . . . . 

 

His second night of work is much like the first, except only slightly less overwhelming than before. He’s got most of the drink orders memorized by now and he’s learned how to multitask around the bar, but sometimes he still bumps into his other co-workers while running around back there. At least Seungkwan feels like time passes very quickly because he’s constantly busy with something though. 

 

As Jihoon leaves them unattended to go off and work somewhere else in the bar, Seungkwan can physically see how his friends start slacking off a bit with the orders. They guys were alway playful enough even when Jihoon was around but now that he’s completely gone, they change their demeanors almost immediately. Instead of promptly attending to the endless drink orders coming through, Soonyoung switches the speakers onto some nostalgic early 2000’s playlist and starts doing some dances from the past. Jeonghan’s still working alongside Seungkwan, but Junhui shortly starts fooling around with him. Or it’s more like Soonyoung forces him to join because once he grabs his hand, they two of them end up on top of the bar. 

 

Maybe there is some work being done here because at least they can use the two on the top of the bar to pass the drinks further back into the crowd, but the productivity doesn’t continue long after that. Being the literal embodiment of children that they are, Soonyoung tries to chase after Junhui after the elder whispers something in his ear and the two of them end up running into a tray of drinks that Seungkwan had worked so hard to prepare. Not only does the alcohol go flying all over the guests and all over the counter, but all over Seungkwan and his professional white button down as well. 

 

Soonyoung and Junhui are full of laughter at the unexpected events while Seungkwan has to bite his lip from saying anything as he tries to clean himself up. Jeonghan just shakes his head slowly and tries to collect the glasses from behind the bar before anyone can get hurt. Either way, the wild and rowdy customers let out a cheer for some reason anyways. It must be funny seeing the new boy get completely soaked and thoroughly embarrassed on his first few days of work. 

 

Honestly, Seungkwan is kind of irritated by their actions but they’re his seniors. It’s not like he can say anything. He knows that they’ve both been taking shots with customers tonight and their personalities are the types to feed off the crowd anyways. This isn’t how they are in real life because it’s all for show. He tries not to let himself get too upset over it as he towels his shirt off from staining even more than it already is. 

 

“Did you hear that, Jun?” Soonyoung calls out rather loudly as he places a towel under his foot and quickly mops up the mess on top of the bar. “I think they like it when we play with water.” 

 

Junhui, cleaning from the other side, glances over his shoulder with a grin that Seungkwan doesn’t exactly like the looks of. “Hm, I think you’re right… what should we do about it?” 

 

Almost like it happened at the speed of light, the two of them raced to each grab a water gun and turn it against each other. A huge blast of water not only explodes between the two of them, but all over the workstation behind the bar and all over the crowd standing around in front of them. Seungkwan’s first reaction is to literally duck for cover, but the crowd only seems to be pushing forward to get a better view of the two boys fighting back and forth with the water guns. Not only that, but the people actually  _ want _ to get wet. The crowd surges forward in order to get a chance to see everything up close and it’s like all hell breaks loose. 

 

While Soonyoung and Junhui take turns spraying water at the wild crowd or go back and forth between chasing each other and sliding around the bar, Seungkwan and Jeonghan try their best to stay clear of the water while struggling to keep up with the drink orders. Although the crowd is certainly having fun with this, it only makes things ten times more stressful to work with. 

 

The yelling and whistles from the crowd reach their peak climax when Junhui loses his footing slightly and Soonyoung gains the advantage over him. In one swift move he pins him down against the bar, hovering over him deviously as he brings the water gun closer and closer to Junhui’s waiting face. He looks restless, and he has every right to be because even he can’t trust Soonyoung too much when he’s feeding off the adrenaline of having a whole crowd rooting for him. Right when he’s leaning in closer and closer to Junhui’s face with the trigger loaded right under his finger, Soonyoung deviously gives the gun a little squeeze to give him a scare. 

 

The tiny spray of water across his face causes Junhui’s features to scrunch up momentarily before even he can’t help but to laugh out at the ridiculousness of all this. Soonyoung starts giggling as well but in a split second he turns the water gun to Junhui’s shirt instead. Not only does he pull down on the trigger with full force but he thoroughly soaks the boy to the point where his shirt is clearly not in any wearable state anymore. He’ll just have to take it off. And the crowd roars when he does so. 

 

As Seungkwan watches the elder peel off his ruined white t-shirt and toss it off into the crowd carelessly, he can’t help but to avoid his eyes away from his elders. Junhui is a handsome guy. Soonyoung is too. But do the two of them even have any shame? Surely, Junhui can walk around shirtless and Soonyoung can run around collecting tips in exchange for his victory and feel absolutely nothing about it but Seungkwan doesn’t feel the same way. It’s all a bit too manipulative for his liking. 

 

If this is the most popular entertainment themed bar in all of the city that holds their staff to such a high standard, wouldn’t it be taking the easy way out to just bare some skin every once in awhile? 

 

If that’s what his hyungs intend on doing, then Seungkwan has a long way to catch up to them. Maybe he could never really compare to them even if he did try to take off his shirt or dance around wildly on stage. It’s just not who he is. He’s just a singer who wants to let his voice be heard by as many people as possible. 

 

As Junhui finally gets a hold of Soonyoung again, the two of them have a little bit of a play struggle before the elder can force the other’s shirt over his head as well. Once again, it’s tossed aside and fought for somewhere off in the crowd. Soonyoung can pretend to play shy and cross his arms over his chest all he wants, but Seungkwan knows that this is probably much more planned between the two of them than the crowd can suspect. 

 

Jeonghan pushes a mop into Seungkwan’s hands, shaking him out of his thoughts momentarily. “Try to clean up as much water from around the bar as you can and then go get changed. You’ll catch a cold if you keep standing around in wet clothes all night.” 

 

Although Seungkwan accepts the mop from Jeonghan, he can't help but to ask one question that’s weighing on his mind. His knuckles tighten around the handle as he lets out a hesitant sigh. “Hyung…. Do I have to do something like that in order to keep working here?” 

 

Jeonghan blinks a few times as he finally realizes what the younger was asking about. “No. Not unless you want to.” The words are slightly reassuring, but not exactly enough to encourage him much. He sees the money that his friends are taking in right now in this exact moment. More than he even gets in hours of working all in a few quick minutes. As Seungkwan unintentionally starts biting his lip, maybe Jeonghan realizes and adds something more for him to think about. “We still haven’t decided what talent you’ll be performing here. There’s no need to worry. Just let us know when you find something.” 

 

As for now, all that Seungkwan can really do is simply nod and get back to work, now with Jeonghan’s words swirling around in his mind. What can he even contribute here that can rile up a crowd more than a little flash of skin? He can sing and dance perfectly fine. He’s good at interacting with customers and keeping an open and friendly atmosphere with all the people who come to his side of the bar just to greet him. But his friends can do all of these things, and they can even do them better because they have the experience to give them the advantage. 

 

Seungkwan makes his way into the breakroom after he finishes mopping. Along with tossing the discarded mop into the supply closet, he peels of the sticky white shirt stained with various colors of alcohol from the spill earlier and leaves it on the floor. He pulls on a new crisp button down, this time choosing a black color. This won’t stain even if his friends get out of control again. He works on each button while glancing at his reflection in the mirror in front of him. As his fingers reach the second button before the last, they falter for some reason. 

 

He takes a good look of himself in the mirror and his hands fall down to his sides. He’ll leave his collar like this for the rest of today. 

  
  
  


. . . . . 

  
  
  


It’s strange for Seungkwan to receive a knock at his door in general because he doesn’t really have many friends who know where he lives. It’s even more strange for Seungkwan to hear a knock on his door late at night because he certainly wasn’t expecting anyone to stop by. It’s almost midnight yet he had still been up to get a head start on all of his homework for the week. Making his way to his door somewhat cautiously but still curiously nonetheless, Seungkwan peeks through the little door hole and nearly jumps back in surprise. 

 

It’s Hansol. On his doorstep in the middle of the night. He’s just wearing sweatpants and a soft looking sweatshirt and this is clearly an attack to Seungkwan’s willpower in all possible areas. Hansol’s looking just too cuddleable. He wants to rip the door open and give Hansol the tightest hug he can manage. 

 

There’s a moment where Seungkwan has to pause and mentally think if it’s a good idea to open the door right now. He might not have class tomorrow, but it’s certainly not a good idea to invite Hansol into his place right now. It’s not that he doesn’t trust Hansol. It’s that he doesn’t trust himself. Once he’s got Hansol on his couch with the lights off, watching him only illuminated by the soft glow of the tv screen, he doesn’t exactly know where his affection for Hansol will lead. 

He’s got some ideas and they all end with him throwing himself at his neighbor. Seungkwan decides to push those thoughts away because more than anything, he’s just happy he’s wearing plaid pajama bottoms instead of those with some childish cartoon characters on them tonight. 

 

When he opens the door and finally meets Hansol, he tries to act a little surprised despite full on knowing it was him and contemplating about it beforehand. “Hansol? What are you doing here to late at night?” 

 

“I saw your light on so I was wondering if you were still awake.” Hansol admits honestly before laughing in a way that warms Seungkwan from the inside out. “I’m sorry, that sounds kind of like I was watching you but I just happened to notice your light when I was making my way back to my apartment.” 

 

“Mhm, well I am awake….” Seungkwan trails off for a moment, leaning against the doorframe as he waits for Vernon to spit out whatever excuse he might have next. Surely he must have a reason for showing up so late after all. “I don’t have class tomorrow so I was getting caught up on my homework incase work is really busy this week.” 

 

Hansol hesitates for a moment as if he’s changing his mind about something. “So…. are you all caught up with everything?” 

 

“Yeah, I already did much more than I needed to so I think I’ll be able to have some free time this week.” Seungkwan makes sure to include just so that his neighbor gets the right idea. He’s very free when it comes to Hansol asking for his time. “By the way though, you could always text me anytime you’re wondering if I’m awake. Maybe it would be less suspicious than trying to see if my light is on or not.” 

 

“That still sounds kinda creepy that I did that, huh?” Hansol seems to agree as he laughs a little again, this time much more comfortably and showing off the smile that Seungkwan has grown to like so much. “I was really passing by on my way back from the…” He starts to say before he stops himself from continuing any further, just stopping to smile gently instead. “Actually, before I continue on and give it all away, I just was wondering if I could show you something. That’s why I came here. I saw your light and realized that maybe you could help me out.” 

 

Seungkwan’s isn’t exactly all too sure what Hansol means, but when he tries to put all of the sentences together he gets some sort of idea what he’s implying. Hansol wants to show him something and get his help in the process. Seungkwan doesn’t really have much to lose so he just shrugs. “Sure, but where are we going?” 

 

“Somewhere not very far at all.” Hansol answers as he motions for Seungkwan to grab his jacket before turning around to leave. “But what I’m showing you has to be top secret. I’m going to show you something that no one else in this building even has access to. This is just between you and me. Got it?” As Hansol holds out his pinky with a silly grin on his face, Seungkwan can’t help but to play along with him as they decide to link fingers and promise together.

 

“I won’t tell your secret as long as you don’t mention my hobby of singing on balconies.” Seungkwan replies back with an equally as stupid grin as they complete the ritual. Before Seungkwan can even force himself to remember how nice it feels to be somewhat holding hands with the person he likes, Hansol takes his hand for real. Well, it’s more like his wrist because the details don’t exactly matter. All that Seungkwan knows it that he’s being led up the stairs by Hansol’s hold and he feels kind of giddy for some reason. 

 

He likes knowing that Hansol spontaneously thought about him in the middle of the night and wanted to see him. At the end of the day, he’s always wanted someone that could surprise him and go on the most whimsical of adventures with. He’s never experienced it before with anyone, but Hansol might be the answer behind his little wish. 

 

They travel up multiple flights of stairs, with Seungkwan sometimes having to climb them two at a time to keep up with Hansol’s larger strides. He can’t exactly tell if it’s because the other male is taller than him or the fact that he seems much more excited than usual. Either way, by the time they get to the top of the whole apartment building, Seungkwan’s lungs are kind of heaving from the fast past of their climb. 

 

“Hansol Vernon Chwe, this better be the best surprise I’ve ever experienced for you to drag me all the way to the top of a building without even stopping once or asking if I wanted to stop.” Seungkwan stalls for a bit as has to lean against the railing to catch his breath before going any further. 

 

Hansol’s slightly out of breath too but he just does this stupid thing where he looks over his shoulder back and Seungkwan and laughs while slightly scrunching up his nose. This makes Seungkwan actually want to stop and throw himself off the top story of this building or else he will be throwing himself at this boy soon. 

 

Before he can really consider the thought any further, he watches Hansol crack the door open to a seemingly normal looking supply closet but within the closet, there’s stairs leading upwards and only a metal gate blocking off the rooftop from public access. Hansol starts picking at the lock of this gate with an opened paperclip. Criminal behavior has never looked this cute before. 

 

“Hansol, you’re breaking onto the rooftop?” Seungkwan widens his eyes somewhat as he watches him work on the lock. “I never would have expected you to be the type to break and enter.” 

“I mean, I don’t usually break and enter but… there’s not exactly a sign that says not to trespass so….”  Hansol trails off distractedly as Seungkwan just lets out a laugh at him. 

 

“So if there’s no sign, then the fact that there’s still a locked gate means that it’s perfectly fine to come up here. Nice reasoning. I like the creative liberties your taking here.” 

 

Hansol just ignores him momentarily as he finishes picking around at the lock until it finally breaks open. “Hey, you’re lucky that I’m even considering to share my secret place with you. I just thought that you would like to have a place to freely sing without worrying that all the other neighbors might have to hear you.” 

 

So Hansol was thinking about him after all. He might have only crossed his mind for a moment, but the fact that Hansol came all the way back down here to include him in on his plans kind of meant a lot for Seungkwan. As he follows Hansol the rest of the way up to the rooftop, he can’t even bother to hide the smile that’s growing on his features. 

 

The night is still a bit unseasonably warm but the altitude of the place sends a wind chill over the open rooftop. Seungkwan fastens his jacket around his frame as he follows Hansol over to an object that he’s not too sure how to make out in the dark. Surely the rooftop has a beautiful view of the city from all around them but the safety fences around the edges make it rather difficult to see so clearly. When they finally make their way close enough and Hansol motions for him to sit down on a small bench, Seungkwan’s eyes widen slightly in surprise. 

 

“A piano?” 

 

“A keyboard.” Hansol momentarily corrects him in English with a small smile on his lips. “How would I even be able to carry a piano all the way up here? A keyboard is nice because I can just fold up the stand and bring it up whenever the weather is nice. I don’t keep it up here but I can’t really play loud enough back at my place so I come up here.” 

 

As Seungkwan gently tries to take a seat next to Hansol on the bench that’s certainly a little bit too small to hold the both of them, he can’t help but to feel like he really is getting a closer look into Hansol’s world. He would have never guessed he was the type to hide all the way up on the rooftop in order to work on his music. Not only does he feel special to be personally invited like this, but the closeness of their shoulders from almost brushing is kind of overwhelming Seungkwan with happiness right now. 

 

He tries to bite back his smile as he glances down at the keys sitting in front of him. “You know, I’ve never learned how to play piano before. I think the only instrument that I’ve ever learned to use before is my voice.” 

 

“You’re the opposite of me then. I’ve tried just about everything but I have no voice to work with. I guess some people really are just born with it and others are not.” Hansol lets out a small sigh as Seungkwan watches him unknowingly out of the corner of his eye. “Would you like to learn how to play sometime though? It’s not too hard to pick it up once you learn the basics.” 

 

“I’d love to.” Seungkwan agrees wholeheartedly with an excited nod. “Just show me where to put my hands.” 

 

Hansol pauses to think for a moment, trying to search his memory for a simple enough song to teach to a complete beginner. In the end he can only end up thinking of children's songs. He laughs to himself as he brings his fingers up the the keyboard and plays one of the most easy things he can think up. It might be something completely childlike that actual kids could play, but Seungkwan’s mouth opens up in amazement at Hansol’s playing. “Wow…” 

 

“Hey, why are you making that weird face? I didn’t even show you my full potential and you’re already doing that.” Hansol nudges him in the shoulder, looking kind of defeated already. “Do you even want to learn something or do you want to watch me play instead?” 

 

“Um, preferably both but whatever you prefer.” Seungkwan replies back, eager to get started with both of the activities. 

 

So Hansol chooses to play a small part of the simple song all over again, and much more slowly this time for Seungkwan to follow along with. Seungkwan almost feels as if he’s being challenged by the amused grin playing on Hansol’s lips. As the other watches him try to place his hands correctly, he makes sure to try and remember all of the things that Hansol did before. Although he was certainly paying attention and trying his best to keep a confident front, his fingers eventually falter. He messes up only after playing a few notes.  

 

Hansol chuckles softly under his breath at the pout that forms on Seungkwan’s lips after his mistake. He’s much more entertained than making fun of him for messing up. Seungkwan tries again to get the notes right but tries to go a little too fast to prove that he can do it, which only makes him mess up again. This time, Hansol scoots a little closer to him and gently hovers his hand over Seungkwan’s own. They’re barely even touching but Seungkwan’s stomach is already getting butterflies. 

 

“Here, do it like this…” Hansol murmurs out quietly as he envelopes one of his hands over Seungkwan’s own in order to lead him to the right keys. It’s only fingertips against the back of his own fingers moving him into place, only faintly brushing over his skin and doing nothing other than that, but Seungkwan starts to feel his whole body heating up by the little touches. He’s grown to like Hansol so much. 

 

When they’re forced to be so close to each other like this, Seungkwan starts to feel like he’s about to go crazy. Hansol’s leaning over him and genuinely trying to teach him something but all Seungkwan can focus on is how smooth his skin looks up close, how his long eyelashes fall against his cheek so softly, and how nice Hansol smells everytime the wind blows in their direction. He’s supposed to be looking at the mini piano lesson that he’s being taught but all he wants to look at is Hansol instead. When his neighbor finishes playing the tune on the keyboard and looks to him to go and repeat the song, Seungkwan physically has to swallow the lump of want that had formed in his throat. It’s almost like he’s forced to tear his gaze away from him. 

 

When he goes to try playing again, it’s not like he’s messing up on purpose to make Vernon teach him all over again. He’s genuinely distracted by being so close to the other that he can only play a few notes before his memory slips away from him again. Tipping his head to the side a bit in confusion, he looks to Hansol to help him with the last bit by placing his fingers over his own again. 

 

There’s a moment where Seungkwan wants to tell him that he really likes him. 

 

Although things would be easier if he just said so, there’s something about Hansol that makes him feel so vulnerable. That maybe if he didn’t have any returned feelings towards him, he wouldn’t really know what would happen to his life next. He’s the closest thing to a best friend that Seungkwan even has in this city and he can’t risk losing someone that important. 

 

Yet at the same time, every time there’s a rather strong gust of wind that breezes over the rooftop and sends a chill over his body, all he really wants is to do is bury himself into Hanol’s chest. 

 

It’s a horribly conflicting feeling that he doesn’t exactly know what to do with just yet. Before he can really realize it, Hansol is done playing the song along with his fingers. A sigh he didn’t know he was holding leaves his lips. He was completely spacing out and didn’t realize he was getting lost in time until the other looks at him rather worriedly. 

 

“Is something… wrong?” Hansol asks suddenly, most likely in response to his sigh. “If you’re getting tired we can go back anytime.”  

 

“No, I’m fine. I’m just….” Seungkwan has to stop for a moment to find a good enough excuse for why he was completely ignoring the song that Hansol was trying to teach him. There could be a million excuses to use, but in the end he just decides that being honest is the best for both them. “Learning piano is fun and all but I got lost in my thoughts for a moment. Maybe it’s not the best time for me to really concentrate on trying to play when I have so many other thoughts going around in my mind.” 

 

Hansol still looks mildly concerned but much less so after Seungkwan assured him. “Yeah? I’m sure it’s been a busy week for you after starting work and juggling school at at the same time.” 

 

“Mhm, it has been pretty busy...” Seungkwan decides to go along with whatever he assumes because it’s still somewhat true and not the fact that he’s kind of stressed out about his feelings for him instead. “Nothing is wrong though. I was just thinking about everything. That’s all.”

“Even if there was something you could always tell me about it. If you wanted someone to listen, that is.” Hansol offers with the smallest hint of a smile reassuring Seungkwan more than anything else really. “As long as your not sad, or lonely, or anything else like that, I won’t ask anymore questions.” 

 

Seungkwan tries to smile a little in response but now it’s becoming even more hard to do so everytime Hansol has his eyes on him. He doesn’t like how easily the other can have an affect on him like this. As much as he tries to convince him that it’s nothing deep yet, when he finally sees Hansol after a long week it’s like all of his feelings come gushing out uncontrollably. 

 

Hansol’s eyes flicker back to the keyboard in front of them and his fingers move back over to the instrument to start playing a song. Maybe he did it because Seungkwan was making the atmosphere awkward by not saying much, but maybe he also did so in order to distract him away from his thoughts. Seungkwan’s not sure what his real reasons are but he would prefer if he did it with him in mind.  

 

Seungkwan doesn’t recognize the song but the visible enjoyment that Hansol gets from playing the piano is evident as he watches the other male play. Rather than focusing on the song itself, he likes to watch the way Hansol’s fingers skillfully travel over the keys to play more complex notes than he himself could never imagine himself playing someday. Not only can he play fast but he plays the song so naturally, like the music is almost coming from the heart itself. Seungkwan likes averting his gaze to Hansol’s features as well, not only to secretly steal gazes at him but to watch the little gleam of passion in his eyes as he plays a particularly challenging part. 

 

He hasn’t seen this look in Hansol’s eyes before but he’s scared that he’ll start falling for this too. 

 

When he finishes the song after a few moments of having Seungkwan listening along quietly, he turns his head to him with the tiniest smile of accomplishment. It’s kind of cute actually. He already knows that Hansol is going to ask him what he thought of it so he surprises him by answering before he can even get the question out. 

 

“I like watching you play because you make it look so effortless. It’s almost like you were born with the ability to play that way.” Seungkwan confesses honestly with a small chuckle, finding his words to be true but rather cheesy at the same time. “The song is pretty too, but I didn’t recognize it.” 

 

“That would be because I made it up myself. You wouldn’t have heard it unless you broke into my apartment and found all of my secret recordings on my laptop.” 

 

As Hansol explains this, Seungkwan feels his eyes widening almost as large as they can. “You really composed that? All by yourself?” 

“Well, yeah.” Hansol just shrugs a little. “It took a long time to write it but now I’m at the point where I have the whole thing memorized.” 

 

Seungkwan’s kind of lost for words at the moment. In fact, his mouth actually hangs open in the air for a second before he notices and forces himself to shut it. That doesn’t change the fact that he’s still lost for words though. When he finds them, all he can manage to get out is:  “Wow, Hansol. That’s amazing. I mean, you’re amazing…” 

 

“You really liked it? Or are you more amazed over the fact that you finally met someone who can play music?” He responds back rather jokingly, which has Seungkwan shaking his head in denial. “I’m kind of glad that you couldn’t tell that it wasn’t already some song out there in the world. It makes me feel like my song could be released out there someday too.” 

 

“I hope you can release it.” Seungkwan tells him wholeheartedly. He can almost feel how much time and effort that Hansol put into this song over the past few years simply by the way he talks about it. He’s hesitant to give away too many details because he’s sensitive about his own work. It’s not easy to share something so personal like this so Seungkwan feels touched that he would even want to share it with him. “I hope there’s a day when I’ll be able to turn on the radio and hear this song again someday.” 

 

Vernon hesitates for a moment as he tips his head to the side and really thinks for a moment. 

“See, that’s the problem I have right now. The song is pretty much all finished but i don’t have any lyrics yet. Eventually I’m going to have to find someone to sing the song but I can’t do that without any lyrics.” 

 

“Um, I’m right here?” Seungkwan responds back somewhat playfully. 

 

“Honestly, kind of why I was thinking of bringing you up here tonight. I’m not going to ask you to write all the lyrics for me but I thought I could ask you for advice about my song every once in awhile. Maybe you could even sing some of the lyrics for me once I write them up. I can’t really pay you anything for helping me but out of everyone I know, you seem to love music more than anyone so… I guess you seemed like the best person who could help here.” 

 

Learning that Hansol brought him here to ask him for some advice about his music truly means a lot to Seungkwan. He knows that he holds it so personally and the fact that he’s willing to include him in part of this process is very touching. It feels as if Hansol has really started to trust him in order to ask him something so special like this. He can’t hold his elated smile back for much longer. 

 

“I would love to help you with your song. Actually, I couldn’t think of anything that could be more fun than working on music with you.” He adds sincerely, in which Hansol seems to agree with by the way he’s nodding. 

 

“You have such a beautiful voice, Seungkwan. I’ve always thought so ever since the first time I’ve heard you sing. Maybe it’s selfish of me to want to use your voice for my own benefit but sometimes I can’t help but to think that your voice is the type that makes people want write songs for it.” 

 

Hansol’s words are sweet and warm in Seungkwan's heart. He didn’t really expect for this night to end up with the two of them just spending some alone time together on a rooftop in the middle of the one of world’s biggest cities. They’re just going back and forth and complimenting each other like this but Seungkwan’s feeling so much more happy than he has in a long time. 

 

Can Hansol see how he feels every time he smiles at him like this? He’d like to think so. 

 

Seungkwan might not be able to say it in words yet but he lets his hand move to seek out Hansol’s own on the bench that they share. All he does is place his hand over the other’s own and just lingers there for awhile, but Hansol’s hand stays there too. Maybe the other is out to find the words when it comes to his song but when it comes to the words that reveal all of Seungkwan’s heart, sometimes Seungkwan wishes that he can just feel them already. 


	10. as simple as that

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello i love drama  
> citruseungkwan @ twitter/tumblr

Seungkwan was under the impression that guys his age usually hang out at restaurants, play games at home, or even go out to watch an occasional movie together. Not only was that what he expected to happen, but he had experienced it for nearly twenty something years already. What he would not expect for guys his age to do, whether in either Korea or America, would be to hold a slumber party. 

 

Or so that’s what Soonyoung insisted on calling it anyways. 

 

In reality, it was more like Seungkwan was invited to spend the night over the trio’s shared apartment. The bar closes a few nights of the week to give Jihoon enough time to work on restocking and scrubbing the whole place down, while it’s entertainers are left to relax and possibly only get up to more trouble. 

 

Although Seungkwan wasn’t really looking forward to the slumber party aspect that he had seen done so horribly cheesy in movies before, he was kind of excited to spend some more casual time with his friends. It’s been hard to get to know the guys at work because they’re so different when they’re playing around with the customers. Plus they did have a good reason for meeting up in the first place. Seungkwan still needed to pick a song and make a routine for his first performance. 

 

It was rather overwhelming when Seungkwan first entered their apartment for the first time. Not only was it quite a bit larger than what he had for his own apartment, but it seemed like Soonyoung and Junhui went all out with the sleepover theme. The whole living room was filled with blanket tents, fluffy pillows, and an occasional sleeping bag here and there. Seungkwan literally felt like he was walking into a teenage girl movie. People in Korea just don’t do things like this. He’s really confused but he’s at least he’s glad to have a chance to experience it just once. 

 

Like always, Soonyoung and Junhui are all smiles and excitement when they open to door to greet him. Jeonghan’s more of the quiet and reserved type so he stands by the table organizing the snacks. As they welcome him in, Seungkwan is honestly feeling a bit touched that they went all out for him like this. Maybe it’s their version of showing him a late welcome party because he was too tired to accept their offer before. 

 

Soonyoung gives the best types of hugs where he squishes his cheek against Seungkwan's own while giving him the softest yet secure hug. There’s also a lot of rocking back and forth and sometimes spinning around as well. Junhui’s more of the type to hug rather gently but give a few pats on the back. Either way, Seungkwan’s already feeling well loved and appreciated even though he’s only just arrived. Jeonghan isn’t the type to really initiate hugs with him, and barely with the other guys either. He shows his affection more silently by offering Seungkwan a freshly baked cookie and pushing it past his lips without taking no for an answer. 

 

“I know you just arrived but I’m already so excited to get started.” Soonyoung insists as he takes Seungkwan’s bag for him and gently throws it somewhere down into their blanket pile. “I’ve had ideas for your first performance ever since I first laid eyes on you!” 

 

“Not to mention ideas about your first concept.” Junhui added as he followed along behind them, motioning for Jeonghan to follow them with the snacks. “I was thinking a suit a tie concept? Also, you would look good with black hair. A hard rock concept could be fun with that powerful voice of yours.” 

 

“And where did you hear me sing?” Seungkwan chuckles under his breath as he eventually moves to take a seat on their couch. “Because I swear, I’ve never actually sung in front of you guys for real before.” 

 

Jeonghan cracked a smile as he got himself comfortable on the floor. “We’ve all heard you. Did you know that you have a habit of singing under your breath when you think no one is around to hear?” 

 

“Also, Seokmin showed me the video so….” Soonyoung trailed on rather innocently as all the pairs of eyes in the room flickered over to him suddenly. “What? Of course he would show me the video. It’s not everyday that someone comes in an openly challenges him like that.” 

 

“There’s a video?” Jeonghan blinked in surprise at this information. 

 

Junhui immediately slipped a hand into Soonyoung’s pocket to fish for his phone. “We must see it.” 

 

“Hey, it’s not even in my phone--” Soonyoung insisted as he tried to roll away from Junhui’s wandering hands, choosing to roll around all over the blankets instead. “It’s in Seokkie’s phone! You’re gonna have to get it out of him if you want to see it!” 

 

Seungkwan just watches his friends and laughs softly at their actions. They’re always so full of energy and already ready to get into some sort of scheming tonight. Of course it’s what he expects but he didn’t really expect for it to happen so soon. Either way, Junhui is convinced that Soonyoung is still hiding something and the two of them begin play fighting to seize control over the phone. Jeonghan watches over them rather uninterestedly, occasionally pushing handfuls of popcorn into his mouth. 

 

“Guys, I can just sing for you right now if you want to hear it so badly.” Seungkwan chuckles a little as he leans forward and tries to get them to stop wrestling for now with his offer. Junhui’s eyes light up now that he’s found something more exciting than play fighting, so he lets go of gently choking Soonyoung for now. “Just give me any song you’d like to hear and I’ll try to sing it for you.” 

 

First Junhui gives him a song suggestion, in which Seungkwan lets himself sing the first chorus or so before stopping. It’s nice seeing his friends look so visibly surprised and somewhat amazed as they hear the notes come out so effortlessly from his voice. That’s something Seungkwan has always liked the most about having the ability to sing. He can make people smile just after a few notes. The reactions are always the best parts. 

 

Soonyoung is next to request a song, then Jeonghan adds another one after Seungkwan finishes the first. All three of them take turns bouncing songs back and forth off of him and their reactions are generally all the same. Seungkwan can sing everything they ask for and they’re always pleasantly surprised by the result. After singing the choruses to at least ten or fifteen songs, Seungkwan’s can’t help but to smile somewhat himself as they all watch him so interestedly. 

 

“Wow…” Junhui shakes his head back and forth, still somewhat in shock about how easy it was for him. “Soon, you really picked him before hearing him live like this? You must have some pretty damn powerful intuition.” 

 

Soonyoung just smiles to himself modestly and scratches the back of his head. “Well, I told you guys that I saw something special in him since the beginning. Kind of like what Jihoon found in all of us… Wait, didn’t I already tell this story before?” 

 

“Yeah, you did.” Jeonghan assured him. “I know it’s one of your favorites but you don’t need to tell it again. Maybe wait until much later tonight before you bring it up again this time because I wouldn’t want either of you getting all sentimental when we still have a lot of work to do. All that emotional stuff is best saved for after midnight.” 

 

“But it’s like I  _ found _ him.” Soonyoung insisted rather dramatically with his hand held over his heart. “This is a story that I need to tell. It’s like the whole world needs to know.” 

 

“Then why don’t you add it into his first performance somehow?” Jeonghan suggested as he tried to get them to focus back on the work they still had to do. “If you can find a song and choreograph a dance to go along with it, then I don’t really see any problem with you lingering onto it forever. But I should mention, because this is Seungkwan’s first performance you should probably consider doing whatever he’s comfortable with. He might not even want to dance when he can show off his vocals instead.” 

 

“I’m really fine with whatever.” Seungkwan suggested, always being rather easy going with things as possible. “I’m comfortable with doing a little dancing, but there’s no way I could even compare to you guys. As long as we do something a little easy I think I can keep up with just about anything.” 

 

“I already have something planned… if you’d like to check it out, that is.” Soonyoung admitted with somewhat of a shy smile. “If you give me full permission to take control over this entire performance, I will gladly bust open my notes right now.” 

 

Seungkwan would honestly feel much more comfortable with getting some ideas from them beforehand because he’s still so new to this. He’s not even sure what he wants to do himself so having his hyungs help him out would be so relieving to his growing stress about organizing everything. All it takes is one nod of approval and Soonyoung runs off into what he assumes is his own room, returning back seconds later with well used notebook. 

 

“I started planning this idea since the night we all had dinner together actually...” Soonyoung confessed rather coyly as he opened up to the correct page and passed his book over to Seungkwan. “For Seungkwan’s first show, I was thinking it might be a little too nerve wracking to have him up on stage all by himself. I went back and forth thinking of which one of us would fit best to be partnered up with him but I was struck by a realization. Literally, it hit me! What does everyone love? Boy bands. We have to become a boy band.” 

 

“Boy bands?” Junhui questioned back. “You mean like idols?” 

 

“Boy bands, idols, same thing.” Soonyoung insisted with a quick roll of his eyes. “The one thing that I am absolutely sure of is that every single person in the world has at least one boy band that they love. Why have one boy up there when they could have all of us?” 

 

“So you want the four of us to all perform something together?” Jeonghan tried to clarify all of this, sitting back more against the couch so he could stay attentive. “We haven’t done anything like that in awhile. Not as a unit at least...” 

 

“But this is why we  _ should _ .” Soonyoung emphasized. “People only come to this bar because of us and the atmosphere we create for it. People even came up for a name for us because of how popular we are. Doesn’t it make sense that we actually perform as a group and give people a real damn show one of these days? I’m not talking about throwing water around or dancing either. I mean a real, full production, actual show.” 

 

“Soon does have a point here.” Junhui chimed in to agree. “Jeonghan, you only perform whenever you feel like it, and me and Soon can only get so far with covering songs and dancing. Our audience is eventually going to start wanting more and more.” 

 

“Not to mention, I think our popularity is starting to stagnate. It’s just been the three of us ever since Joshua left.” Soonyoung admitted kind of hesitantly under his breath, earning a raised eyebrow from Jeonghan. He looked somewhat concerned with continuing on but he took a deep breath and spoke his mind anyways. “I mean, it’s the first time that we’ve had a change in our lineup in almost a year. It’s the perfect time to try something new and try to capture our audience again. We’re all getting old after all...” 

 

Junhui ran a hand through his hair rather frustratedly as he slumped against the couch cushions. “Ugh, I really am getting old, huh? I can’t believe I’m already 26. Don’t remind me.” 

 

As Seungkwan’s friends freely spoke their worries and he watched from the outside, he couldn’t help but to bite his lip as the conversation continued on. He wasn’t around back then so he didn’t really know that they were going through struggles back then too. Either way, dwelling too much on the past can’t really get them anywhere now. As he glances down at Soonyoung’s detailed sketches full of ideas and inspirations, he can’t help but want to help them as much as he can. 

 

“I like this idea you have here.” Seungkwan inserted himself into their conversation as he held up one of the pages that caught his interest. “We can hold a mini concert over the course of the night and cover the most popular group songs.”

 

“You really like it?” Soonyoung glanced up at him with an enthusiastic gleam in his eyes as he took his notebook back and passed it onto Junhui next. “I was thinking that maybe we could do fifteen minutes or so every hour and only play the hits so that the audience can hear songs that they recognize.” 

 

Junhui beamed and pointed to the list of tracks that Soonyoung had brainstormed up already. “We’re going to be singing in both Korean and English? It’s finally time! I feel like I’ve been waiting for this for  _ years _ !” 

 

“Well, most of the staff is Korean so it makes sense. Not to mention I like the idea of going more international with things….” Jeonghan commented under his breath as he grew distracted by looking through the notebook himself. “This is a lot of work to commit to though. We’d have to switch up the tracklist a little every week so that the returning customers don’t get turned away. Plus sticking to only boy band songs would grow old after awhile. We’ll have to change the concept often…” 

 

Jeonghan was always acting in the position of the manager even when they weren’t working. That’s why he was the one who had to think realistically about all of the plans that they wanted to do. It seemed like Soonyoung and Junhui had to approve their ideas with Jeonghan first before they would be passed on to Jihoon. Maybe that’s why they were being so patient and waiting for him to look through all of the notes without interrupting his progress. 

 

Seungkwan couldn’t exactly bear to see his close friends practically waiting at the edge of their seats for Jeonghan to approve all of this though. It almost felt unfair in a way. If they’re supposed to be performing as a group, why should all of them be waiting for only one person’s approval. 

 

“I say let’s do it.” Seungkwan decided with an excited grin. “This sounds like the perfect idea to start my debut as an entertainer in the bar. Actually, this is more like what I’ve been dreaming of doing my whole life. It’s always seemed so fun to perform in a group with close friends.” 

 

Soonyoung smiles at him with his eyes all scrunched up in the cutest of ways. “Heh, I knew you would like it once I told you. I was keeping it a secret this whole time because I wanted to surprise you.” 

 

As they talk with each other, Jeonghan flips through the pages of the notebook one last time before shutting it with a light sigh. “I hope you know what you’re getting into, Soon. This really looks like a lot of work but if you’re set on it then I’ll bring it up to Jihoon tomorrow.” 

 

Even though their plans aren’t technically confirmed yet, the boys are all smiles as Jeonghan decides to back their idea. Almost immediately, Soonyoung and Junhui start scouring their playlists for the most popular songs that they want to perform, all while consulting Seungkwan on his opinions as well. Although they’re actually doing some work now there’s certainly a lot of fooling around in the process. 

 

Seungkwan’s always known that his friends are loud but when it comes to copying idol dances and trying to hit insanely high notes things get out of control pretty quickly. There’s no way he’d be able to make this much noise if this was back at his own place. Not only do they take turns trying out some songs, but Soonyoung can’t help but to pull Seungkwan up and teach him a little thing of two about dancing. Much to his surprise, Seungkwan has always had quite a liking for learning girl group dances in the comfort of his own room. Surely, there’s even some things he can even do better. 

 

They might be disguising their playtime as work but Seungkwan hasn’t had this much fun in such a long time. He’s smiling to much that his cheeks are already starting to hurt and he hasn’t even been here that long. All he knows is that laughter comes so easily when he’s around a group like this. 

  
  
  
  
  


. . . . . 

  
  


Walking around the big city with his group of friends feels much less empty than when he’s all alone. It’s almost like their presences make the bright neon lights shine even brighter, if that was somehow physically possible. In this small corner of the world, he’s surrounded by a countless amount strangers with their own families and friends and loved ones. It’s only now that he feels like he’s really found his place in the midst of things. But at the same time, as they walk among the streets in the chill of the night and he tugs his jacket closer to his body, there’s a part of him that becomes a little envious of the lovers in the city. He has his own friends so he’s certainly not feeling too lonely, but for some reason he still wishes Hansol was here with them. 

 

It’s a strange feeling. He knows they have conflicting schedules. They can usually only meet each other on the weekends and Seungkwan is perfectly fine with that. He can handle being alone. But as his feelings for Hansol grow deeper day by day, he’s starting to wonder how long he can endure this. He’s just going to start growing more selfish over the time they do spend together. 

 

He feels himself sighing a lot lately. Sometimes they just seem to slip out without him even realizing it. 

 

The group of friends find themselves returning back to the Rose Quartz & Serenity Diner only a few mere hours after their brainstorming session. It’s almost midnight and Jeonghan’s snacks just weren’t going to cut it. After all that dancing they’re all pretty hungry and because Jeonghan is paying, all of the boys order much more food than necessary just because Seungkwan is finally here to join them. They’re also probably only here just to see Seokmin too. 

 

As their favorite waiter makes his way back to the table with a round of milkshakes, he leans against the side of their table to make some small talk while wasting time. “It’s kind of weird seeing all of you here together. It’s not after a work shift so I’m kind of disappointed you’re not all dressed up, but Seungkwan makes a nice addition to the group. You guys look like a little family now.” Seokmin holds his hand over his heart rather dramatically as he pretends to suppress a fake sob. “I can’t believe my baby has finally found his place in the world.” 

 

Seungkwan points a confused finger to himself. “I’m the baby?” 

 

“God, I could cry just looking at him. He’s doing his best all the time and he’s honestly trying so fucking hard at everything and he’s all I’ve ever wanted.” Soonyoung responds back as equally theatrically. “But no, he’s my baby! I’m the one who raised him and took him under my wing!” 

 

Seokmin shakes his head vehemently. “Nope, he’s the one who spoke to me first and if he had not spoken to me first then he would have never even met you guys. So that’s that.” 

 

Soonyoung gasps offendedly. “But without me, would he even be sitting here as part of the group right now? I took one look at him, decided that he was cute and that I wanted him, and therefore I have raised him ever since.”

 

Jeonghan just rolls his eyes and pulls away from drinking his milkshake only to turn to them. “Instead of play bickering back and forth, how about we decide that Seungkwan is both of your babies. Be co-parents. You can raise him together.” 

 

“Gay dads!” Junhui announces rather excitedly as he starts clapping. “The next power couple!” 

Seokmin and Soonyoung both narrow their eyes at each other, almost like they’re staring each other down in a childish way before suddenly they beam and run into each other’s open arms instead. Seungkwan just doesn’t get it. There’s something about Seokmin and Soonyoung’s humor that he doubts he’ll ever understand. It’s better off to ignore them and hope that they don’t get into too much trouble when they get like this. 

 

The late night crowd at the diner on a weekday night is almost non existent so at least they don’t have to worry about anyone else seeing this mess. 

 

Seungkwan decides to mind his own business and enjoy his drink instead. It’s only by pure coincidence that the chime above the door dings and signals that someone else has entered the shop. Maybe he only glances up at the noise because the diner is relatively empty besides them. That’s what he’d really like to think. Because what in the whole world is the chance that Hansol Vernon Chwe would be that one person to enter the room and he’d lock eyes with him.

 

There’s no hiding. Vernon clearly sees him too and Seungkwan watches him in a moment of complete shock and surprise and maybe even fear. He debates hiding himself under the table and pretending it didn’t happen. Just looking at Hansol makes his face feel all hot and he gets all nervous. Now he has to plan something casual to talk about without coming on too desperate and that’s all so exhausting.

 

“Oh, shit.” Soonyoung mumbles under his breath, presumably recognizing him as well. As Seokmin shouts out his name and frantically waves for him to come over, he also puts on a smile and starts to wave him over as well. “Vernon! It’s been forever since I’ve seen you, man!” 

 

Hansol makes his way over to their table in the most casual way possible but Seungkwan still finds himself looking down at his lap as he approaches. How can he look handsome while he’s just walking over here and doing literally nothing? Seungkwan doesn’t know but he doesn’t like the fact that he was just thinking about him minutes ago and he’s actually here right now. It’s a little too close to comfort to think about. 

 

“I could say the same for you guys.” Hansol greets them back with the same nice smile that he has like usual as he accepts a hug from Seokmin and fist bumps with Soonyoung. He smiles more reservedly at Junhui and Jeonghan, almost as if he doesn’t know them as well as the others. Seungkwan doesn’t watch him for long though. After Vernon recognized him and smiled like that in his own direction, he couldn’t do much but bow his head and barely smile back before looking away. 

 

Of course he’s happy to see Hansol. It would be complete lie to say he wasn’t. But it’s a bit different to see Hansol interacting around his own group of friends, and especially around this group of friends that doesn’t know how to hold their tongues well at all. They guys practically know everything about his feelings for Hansol by now. As they start engaging in small talk, Seungkwan drinks his shake silently and hopes for nothing to slip out. 

 

At some point in the conversation, Seokmin’s voice picks up in Seungkwan’s ears. “Vern, I’ll go and grab your takeout unless you wanna sit here and eat instead.” 

 

“Ah, no thanks.” Hansol politely declined as he shook his head. “It’s been a long day at work and I need to head in early tomorrow too. I’ll just eat at home and pass out right after I think.” 

 

Soonyoung frowns a little as he looks up at Hansol. “You can still sit with us for a few minutes and eat. If you don’t spend a little time taking a break from just working and sleeping you’re going to go crazy one of these days.” 

 

“Yeah, please come and sit with us.” Jeonghan joins in a bit more forcibly, a somewhat peculiar smile playing on his lips as he glanced over to Seungkwan. “You know Seungkwan too, right? Let’s just hang out for twenty and catch up.” 

 

Hansol still hesitates briefly before smiling politely and shaking his head again. “Thanks for inviting me but really don’t think I’ll be able to stay up much later tonight. It’s been a really rough week at work and all so…” 

 

“Well, if you insist…” Soonyoung trails off for a moment, looking rather disappointed for a moment before leaning a little closer to Seungkwan’s side and casually looping an arm around his shoulders. “I guess if you’re going to head out, I’ll make sure Seungkwan gets home safely tonight. I’ll walk him to the door and everything.” He points out in particular, earning a bit of a puzzled look from Seungkwan beside him. “Or actually, we were thinking of inviting him to spend the night at our place so maybe he won’t be home at all. Who knows.”

 

As Seungkwan looks to Soonyoung to try and figure out why the hell he’s telling Hansol all of this, Soonyoung just shrugs and lets out a laugh that anyone else would label as innocent though. Seungkwan knows all too much though. This is the same manipulative front Soonyoung puts on while he’s on stage, except now he’s doing to Hansol in order to get some sort of reaction out of him. 

 

Seungkwan’s eyes flicker over to Hansol’s expression again. It’s the same as before. A polite smile. Not too nice, not too distant. But at the same time Seungkwan knows that this isn’t one of Hansol’s genuine smiles. Just maybe he can pick up on something too. If he is though, he’s not really saying anything about it and Seokmin arrives in time to cut the thick atmosphere with his takeout bag ready in hand. 

 

“Anyways, I’m going to pay and head out.” Hansol announces as he takes the first step to leave. “I’ll catch you guys later, alright? Maybe next time I can stay and hang out for longer.” 

 

As they all eventually allow Hansol to head back to his place and send him off with a few waves, Seungkwan feels himself sinking down into his seat as a frown finds its way onto his lips. He’s not really sure why but he feels like something is wrong. Maybe it’s the fact that Soonyoung was trying to make him jealous that he felt manipulative too. Or maybe it’s because Soonyoung did all of that and Vernon didn’t even bother to show any reaction whatever. Either way, now Seungkwan is feeling kind of down about everything that just went down. 

 

But he doesn’t have time for letting himself get down in the dumps. He came all the way across the world to make his dreams come true. If he can do that, then there’s no way he’s going to let Hansol leave on a note like this. It’s time to start being more honest with himself. 

 

Seungkwan suddenly gets up from his seat and pushes past Soonyoung, leaving his friends staring after him as he decides to go after Hansol before he can get too far. By the time he can make his way out of the diner and onto the street, he manages to catch him before he can cross the street. 

 

“Hansol, wait up.” He calls out to him as he finishes running the remaining amount of distance between the two of them. Even when Hansol turns to him and clearly has his attention, Seungkwan can’t help but to reach out for his hand as well. He just wants him to stay for some reason. “I had something I wanted to tell you.” 

 

As he catches his breath momentarily and Hansol’s soft brown eyes look into his own, he keeps his hold on the other’s hand unwaveringly. It’s kind of funny in a way. He doesn’t even know what he could possibly say to keep him here but he needs to think of something, and he needs to think of it fast. “I just…. I wanted to see you for a bit longer. Are you sure you don’t want to stay a little longer and hang out? I mean, I would like you to stay…we could talk about music and-” 

 

Seungkwan feels Hansol’s hand start to move against his own and it’s in this moment where he starts to realize how desperate he really sounds right now. It’s embarrassing to be this brutally honest and yet hide his true feelings all in the same time. He doesn’t really know what’s gotten into him ever since he met Hansol. It’s like some days he feels like he needs to keep playing it safe and other days he wants to give up and tell Hansol all of the wonderful thoughts he has about him. 

 

As Hansol moves his hand to fit more comfortably in his own, Seungkwan feels the carefully placed walls between himself and Hansol start to break down along with his emotions. For some strange reason he feels like he could start crying any moment. All he could ever want is for Hansol to take him in his arms and let him know that all of these feelings he has for him are okay. 

 

“Seungkwan, there’s something I have to be honest with you about….” Hansol starts trailing off. Seungkwan doesn’t have the nerve to look at him anymore. It’s like they’re standing on the edge of everything and it’s all up to Hansol’s words to decide what happens next. All he can keep doing is clutch onto his hand and hope that it will hit him easily. 

 

“When you told me that you met Seokmin and made friends with some of his friends I was truly happy for you. After all, it’s pretty amazing that it’s only been a little while since you’ve came here and you’re already surrounded by so many new people…” Hansol admits all of this, stopping in the middle of his sentences to take a long moment to think. His eyes are looking everywhere but Seungkwan as well. At the cars speeding by. At the neon signs around them. Just anywhere else. “All of that is fine, but when you mentioned that you had also met Soonyoung as well, I started to worry for some reason. It’s not Soonyoung himself that’s the cause of my worries. It’s really not him at all. It’s just that the people he chooses to associate himself with and the actions that they participate in that I don’t exactly agree with.” 

 

As he keeps explaining his side of things, Seungkwan starts to feel an invisible lump in the back of his throat start to form as well as tiny droplets of tears starting to sting at his eyes. He has to look at the ground beneath them so Hansol doesn’t notice. This is what Soonyoung was trying to warm him about all along. Without even knowing it, he had become the exact type of person that Hansol disapproved of so much. And now he was in too deep to choose one side over the other. 

 

“It’s not that I’m going to tell you who to hang out with. That’s not my intentions at all. It’s just that I don’t feel comfortable hanging out with some of those people.” Hansol admits honestly as he allows for his thumb to rub over the backside of Seungkwan’s hand as if that could even help in someway. “I don’t want to disappoint you but I hope you can respect my decision to not want to hang out for tonight.” 

 

It hurts. It really hurts to know that perhaps the person he had held to be in such an important place wouldn’t want to associate with the other people he holds so dearly in his heart as well. There’s nothing Seungkwan can really do to change his mind on this, nor should he. For whatever reason he may have, he does respect Hansol’s personal decision to keep his distance. He doesn’t like it but he has to respect that. 

 

All he can really do next is glance up at Hansol with the best smile he can attempt to muster at a time like this. It’s not okay but it will have to be okay. He just holds onto his hand tighter and smiles all the hurt away. “It’s fine, Hansol. Of course that’s fine.” 

 

When Hansol smiles back at him, honest and looking clearly quite relieved that Seungkwan could understand him, Seungkwan’s left feeling like a liar. It’s like he’s sending false happiness to Hansol while completely ignoring the true and bitter feelings he has inside. Hansol takes his hand away only to allow it to ruffle the top of Seungkwan’s fluffy brown hair. “Thanks, Seungkwan. I knew you would understand.” 

 

It only feels worse having Hansol genuinely relying on him like this. Soon he’s going to figure out Seungkwan is the exact same as the people he doesn’t approve of. Soon, all of his kindness is going to fade away as soon as the truth comes out. Now he’s growing more and more selfish of the time he does have with Hansol. If he thought that he already was, now he’s so much more aware of how easily the other could slip right through his fingers and never appear in front of him again. 

 

Seungkwan still doesn’t know what’s getting into him these days. He finds himself throwing away every last ounce of hesitance he might have been clinging onto and he moves to embrace Hansol instead. He pulls the other into his arms and keeps him close, just like he’s wanted to do so badly for days now. It’s kind of sad that he can’t even enjoy the moment or the feeling of Hansol slowly moving to embrace him back. It’s all so ironic in a way. 

 

Before pulling away, Seungkwan allows for his lips to trail over Hansol’s cheek. They’re faint. He’s not sure why he’s even scared to kiss him at this point. Rather than that, he leaves them brushing over the boy’s soft skin, almost as if any force would shatter the already thin line they’re walking on now. He holds Hansol dearly but not as dearly as ruining his own happiness. 

 

They part as ordinarily as ever. Seungkwan just smiles at him and Hansol smiles back, while the two of them struggle to decide who makes the first step to head back in the opposite direction. It’s just that today Seungkwan’s smile isn’t honest anymore. He watches Hansol cross the street and enter their shared apartment complex, he even waits to the point of watching Hansol ascend the floors up to their level through the outside windows. But as soon as he’s absolutely sure that Hansol had returned back home by now, he finds himself crumpling on the inside. 

 

A silent tear rolls down his cheek. He wipes at it bitterly with the back of his sleeve and vows for himself not to cry anymore about this. He was really intent on keeping that promise, but as soon as he sees Soonyoung coming out of the diner to check on him, he can’t help but to find himself breaking down at the other comes closer. The elder’s chest is there to catch him this time, in which Soonyoung doesn’t even have to ask what’s wrong before holding him close. He already knows.

 

It’s like he’s hanging onto a thread right now. And if Soonyoung wasn’t here for him right now, maybe he’d be hanging onto nothing. 

  
  
  
  


. . . . . 

  
  


When Seungkwan wakes up early the next morning in an unfamiliar place, he’s now only reminded that he’s being squished from both sides by two different people. Soonyoung’s got one arm thrown around his neck while Junhui’s full on cuddling him with arms and legs from the other. Jeonghan’s sleeping on the couch above but his hand is casually lingering off the couch. It was probably him reaching down at various intervals in the night to gently pat at his hair. Seungkwan remembers it, but he was too busy trying to force himself to squeeze his eyes shut and force himself to sleep so he could kill all of his thoughts off. 

 

He hadn’t been any fun at all last night. As soon as they came home, which was pretty much right after Soonyoung had found him outside, Seungkwan decided to put himself to bed even though it was going to be rather impossible to sleep. He still pretended he was asleep though. He had heard the three of them talking in worried hushed voices about what they could do to help. It was nice that they cared so much about them but he couldn’t exactly make himself feel any better based on that care alone. 

 

“You can quit before he finds out.”

 

The voice he hears startles him. He didn’t even expect the rest of them to be awake yet but Junhui starts sitting up and rolling over to his own blankets now that he knows Seungkwan is awake too. It takes him a moment to stretch and pat down his bed hair but he repeats himself. “If you want to quit before he finds out, I don’t think any of our feelings would be hurt.” 

 

“No, I can’t.” Seungkwan doesn’t even have to think about it because his eyes already start to water when he even thinks about leaving. “I don’t want to. I want to work on the showcase with you guys. We had so much fun planning everything yesterday. How could I just go and leave when I’m so happy here?” 

 

“Because you’re happy with him too.” Soonyoung finds himself adding suddenly, also revealing that he was actually awake too. “Listen, I know how people say it’s more important to focus on your career than on dating but why can’t you be selfish? Vernon is more important that some job at a bar. I wouldn’t blame you if picked him instead.” 

 

All Seungkwan can do is shake his head back and forth rather stubbornly. “I’m not going to pick anything. I’m just going to keep working at the bar because that’s what makes me happy. I’m happy with you guys. If Hansol can’t be happy with the things that make me happy, then I don’t need him in my life either. It’s as simple as that.” 

 

Or he wants it to be as simple as that. It really isn’t that way when he truly thinks about it. He thinks he can go on keeping the two completely separate than each other, therefore somehow being able to have both in the end. It’s selfish of him to think that way but he can’t help but to hope for everything to work out. It’s as if his friends seem to know this as well because they both shoot him some rather skeptical but still concerned looks. 

 

“Seungkwan, I know it seems unfair but….” Junhui starts to speak but he pauses for a moment, glancing up at the still sleeping Jeonghan only a few close inches nearby. “Trust me, Vernon has enough reason not to want you to be involved with us. If you knew everything you would really understand where we’re coming from. I’m not sure how much I can tell you at this point but-” 

 

“You can tell him.” Jeonghan decides to speak up, maybe quietly listening to the conversation this whole time too. “I’m not going to be angry if you tell him. He deserves to know now that this involves him as well.” 

 

Soonyoung has to take a deep breath before he sits himself up. “I don’t even know where to get started with this story. There’s a lot of things I could touch on but if there’s one place I should start, it’s when you and I met for the first time. Remember that? You were asking me about whether I knew if Vernon had and interest in dating guys or not.” He glances over at Seungkwan questioningly, waiting for the younger to nod before continuing on. “I told you that I thought so because he dated someone a few years ago. The person that he dated was someone we all knew because in all actuality, he was one of us.” 

 

“Yeah, but you should mention that he wasn’t originally one of us when Vernon started dating him.” Junhui insisted, making sure to get all of the facts straight. “Vernon was dating that guy before he was scouted and offered a job at the bar.”

 

Soonyoung nods along in agreement before letting out a quiet sigh, knowing where to continue on but not knowing how to go about it. “I’m not sure how to say this in the nicest terms, but… it’s pretty clear that the person we hired changed a lot by the fame of the bar. Money can do a lot for a person but fame can really change a person’s character. If I can be as honest as possible, maybe he found his true self when he met Jeonghan. He started holding his tongue a lot less and he really seemed to free when he was performing for us. At first he was very quiet and reserved but on the inside I think he was just waiting for an opportunity to show his real self.” 

 

“You know how we act when things get a little wild in the crowd.” Junhui reminds Seungkwan next. “You see me and Soonyoung play around with each other, but back we would practically do anything. We were all young and broke and we realized if you fool around with one of the other performers, maybe grab each other a little, sneak a kiss in here or there, you’re going to be getting a lot more money at the end of the day. People like paying for the fantasy more than anything.” 

 

“It makes sense that Vernon wouldn’t approve of it, but the two of them still continued dating after that. Maybe he understood but there was still a breaking point to how far he could extend his kindness.” Soonyoung ponders to himself briefly before he shakes his head out of his thoughts. “I should mention that there’s a reason why we have a no dating rule. The no bringing our lovers into the bar or dating any of the other co-workers. Love doesn’t survive in a place like our bar. I told you that I’ve seen it ruin the best of relationships time and time again. Not only did it ruin Vernon’s relationship, but Jeonghan’s too.” 

 

As Seungkwan glances upwards to try and sneak a peek at the eldermost member of their group, he watches on as Jeonghan bites at his lip and tries to distract himself while looking out the window instead. “Joshua decided to leave Vernon for me instead. I tried to lie to myself that everything we were doing at work was just some kind of act but then we depended on each other more than we should have I guess. I knew it was wrong but I did it anyways. I can say the me of two years ago has changed but I still feel like I should have known better…” 

 

There’s a moment where all of his friends don’t really know what to say next but Junhui just lets out a long drawn out sigh instead. “I’ve always thought that if you date someone who cheated on their past partner for you, they’re just going to cheat on you with someone else too. I don’t think I could even call it cheating because they weren’t officially dating in the first place, but then somehow both of them got involved with one of the bodyguards and it got really messy real quick. To end the story, Jihoon found out and was absolutely furious. He fired Josh because he was the newest out of all the people involved.” 

 

“Then about almost two years passed before Jihoon would let us hire somebody new again.” Soonyoung adds with a little bit of a smile lingering on his lips, trying to lighten up the mood somewhat. “And that new person was finally you, Seungkwan.” 

 

“I don’t blame him for still being angry about things.” Jeonghan finds himself admitting, seemingly ignoring Soonyoung’s attempts to liven up the conversation as the thoughts kept stirring around in his mind. “If that happened to me, I think it’s something that I would never truly find myself getting over. But back then, all of us were much more out of control then we are today. Everything just seemed like some fast paced game. There was so much money and attention and attractive people who willingly wanted to play along with us. Even though I can see that we’ve all changed for the better I don’t blame Vernon for not being able to see that.” 

 

Seungkwan doesn’t dare to say anything. Even if he wanted to say something, he doesn’t even think he could come up with anything relevant enough to make any impact on their feelings. His friends might describe the events that happened as mistakes of their youth but sometimes grudges linger much deeper than that. He himself understands Hansol’s feelings much more after hearing all of this. It’s enough to relieve him now that he knows that he has a good enough reason but at the same time, it’s even more evident that this isn’t a problem they’ll easily overcome. 

 

Seungkwan has a lot of thinking to do. Whether it be about his job at the bar, what type of performance he wants to put on in the showcase, how he’ll keep seeing Hansol after this, or everything he needs to do to keep his dreams growing stronger in the future. There’s just so much weighing on his mind. Either way, the only reasonable thing he can decide to do is to take things one at a time. 

 

“I’m still not going to quit.” Seungkwan decides as he finally finds his voice to start speaking again. “I’m not sure what to do about this next, but as for us we have a performance to plan. The first show is going to be in what, two weeks? We have a lot of work to do! Now, hurry up and distract me so I can stop thinking about this any longer!” He tries to keep himself as cheerful as possible, even though he knows it’s going to be a little hard now. As he pulls Soonyoung and Junhui up to their feet along with him and motions for them to start helping him clean up all their bedding off the floor. 

 

Jeonghan hesitates for a moment longer before getting up with a light sigh to clear his mind. “I’ll join you guys in a few minutes. First, I’m gonna make breakfast. Pancakes sound good?” Almost immediately after he utters the one word of pancakes, there’s a series of excited hollering from all of the other boys. He just smiles over his shoulder and makes his way into the kitchen alone. 


	11. just a little touch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for all of the love for this series (as well as ourtwenties too of course)  
> this week i've been getting a flood of nice comments to my twitter about this story and I wanted to treat you guys with a longer chapter. this chapter is 9k instead of the usual 7k. i couldn't bear to break it into two parts or cut it any shorter, so i put in a bit of extra work into this one. 
> 
> like always, thanks so much and i'm really happy you're all liking it  
> and feel free to approach me if you wanna be friends anytime !  
> @citruseungkwan on twitter/tumblr

Seungkwan feels like he’s been training for months with the schedule they’ve been keeping up. In reality, it’s probably only been a little more than two weeks since he’s started preparing for the showcase with his co-workers. Not only did they have hours of vocal and dance practice back at a fancy little studio that Jihoon rented out for them, but he even let them buy new stage lights and whatever props they needed for their first performance. It’s takes up a lot of his free time but Seungkwan genuinely looks forward to all of their practices. It feels nice to work towards planning out their vision together. 

 

Part of what isn’t so good about being so preoccupied with practices is the fact that he’s barely been to his classes at all these past few weeks. He’s been having Mingyu check his name off on the attendance sheet just to make sure, but certainly his lack of presence is going to be noticed soon. It really only matters if he gets a passing grade so missing a few classes won’t hurt too much. As soon as the first performance is done and over with he promises that he’ll go back. 

 

In the meantime though, he certainly does miss hanging out with Mingyu and Minghao. He’s grown more close to the other guys at work more recently but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t miss his original friends. Although Jihoon has a rule about not bringing dates to the bar he certainly doesn’t have anything against inviting friends. For the night of his first performance he invites them over to check out the show, and also to possibly check out his friends too. 

 

Seungkwan had briefed them on what to expect for days leading up to this already. Not only did he feel like it was necessary to let them know the basics about their characters, but it was also very important to let them know that his friends might actually be fans instead. Seungkwan vividly remembers breaking the news to them that one fateful day when he secured the interview. Their shocked expressions were enough to let Seungkwan know that this was clearly something they at least knew a little about. He might just be trying to be a nice friend by letting them meet some of the people they have interest in, but he’s really just praying they don’t come off as too weird. 

 

He can’t really stop himself from worrying about how their meeting will go down. It’s like his two most important groups of friends meeting for the first time. He just can’t help worrying just a little bit. With a light sigh he flops down into the chair in front of his vanity and stares at his reflection in the mirror to distract himself. The guys had all insisted on dying his hair black as of recently. It’s been years since he’s changed his light brown and slightly permed hairstyle, maybe even since he graduated from high school. The black is starkly different than what he’s used to but he doesn’t hate it. In fact, he’s kind of actually liking the way it looks with his skin tone and the smokey brown eye shadow that Jeonghan had insisted on putting there before. 

 

“Seungkwan-ah~” Soonyoung practically sing-songs as he makes his way across the room rather excitedly and grips onto the back of Seungkwan’s chair. Before he can even ask what kind of plan he’s got today, Soonyoung holds up some type of garment on a hanger and shows it off to him in the mirror. He’s got a devilish grin on his face. Seungkwan already knows that he’s scheming something and the other guys are probably behind it too. 

 

“Is that what I’m wearing tonight?” Seungkwan raises an eyebrow up as he spins around to take a better look at the clothes. “Is that just… a black t-shirt and jeans?” 

 

“No.” Soonyoung shakes his head with the same little smug smile still on his lips. “Here’s the concept I’ve planned out for you. Dark skinny jeans, little black crop top, and then an oversized jacket. Maybe leather, maybe black denim with patches. I’m still deciding on that part.” 

 

“Go and get me a shirt that will actually fit me and then I’ll get changed.” Seungkwan says rather dismissively and swivels his chair in the opposite way. Just for dramatic effect.

 

“Listen, Seungkwan. Crop tops for men are literally the next big thing. Don’t you wanna be part of the bandwagon right when it’s starting to lift off? Maybe once you wear it tonight, everyone will be wearing crop tops just like you the next week. Think about it. Boo Seungkwan, the new crop top wearing fashion icon.” Soonyoung remarked quite dreamily before holding out the shirt against Seungkwan’s shoulders. “It’s not too short either. You’ll only have like one inch of skin showing so it’s nothing too extreme.” 

 

“Well why can’t you or Junhui be the crop top wearing member of our group? You two have like 0% belly fat with those abs of yours.” Seungkwan replied with a click of his tongue. “Or make Jeonghan do it. He looks scrawny enough.”

 

Soonyoung was never the type to really lose his patience. Probably nothing in the whole world, not even the horrible city traffic or the hordes of tourists could ever get a reaction out of him. But Seungkwan watches as his amused smile starts to turn a little more devious as he almost forcefully pushes the aforementioned shirt into Seungkwan’s hands. “Just try it.” 

 

Not only is Seungkwan whipped for his hyungs, but especially so for Soonyoung himself. It might be because he’s so cute and relatively never orders him around like this, or the fact that Soonyoung’s done so much for him already, but Seungkwan finds it very hard to say no to him. He gets up from his chair with a little bit of a sigh (just to be difficult) but he goes into the bathroom and pulls the teeny tiny shirt over his head. 

 

Soonyoung’s right in the fact that it’s not too short after all. It fits more tightly over his chest and over his biceps more than he would normally choose for a t-shirt but all of that can be ignored for now. It’s the fact that there’s exactly an inch of his belly, and even some of his sides and belly button showing that he’s most uncomfortable with. Instead of leaving the bathroom immediately to show Soonyoung that he looks awkward and he wants to take this off, he stands in front of the mirror for about five minutes just pulling at his skin and pinching at his stomach. 

 

Seungkwan’s always felt stressed out when it came to trying on clothes. Surely he’s not even in the weight range where he needs to be seriously worrying about his health or even dieting but he can’t help but to find himself more chubby than most of his friends. Maybe it’s just due to genetics that he’s always been a little more squishy in the middle. Either way, Seungkwan’s used to pulling his jeans up a little higher than necessary just to hide the little areas that he wants to fix. 

 

When he eventually convinces himself that his body doesn’t look strange and that he himself doesn’t look strange, he can finally leave the stall and head back in to see his friends. He might be walking with his arms around his waist but at least he can manage to get himself out of the bathroom by pulling the already thin material of the shirt down further. “Soon, do you have any undershirts or maybe any mesh shirts?” Seungkwan calls out as he enters the room. “I think even one inch is a little too much for me…” 

 

As he flickers his gaze upwards, Seungkwan feels himself pause at the doorway now that there are three pairs of eyes now looking up at him. His arms move on their own accord to cover his tummy but Soonyoung is quick to jump up from his seat and make his way over to him. 

 

“Seungkwan, you look so good in this!” He insists excitedly as his eyes look Seungkwan up and down just one time, deciding that this style is certainly the one that they should go with from now on. “You’re so handsome, really.” 

 

Soonyoung’s compliments are always nice. Seungkwan can always tell they’re genuine just from how much enthusiasm he has when he’s giving them. Even though they might be nice words, Seungkwan still can’t help but to look away as Soonyoung comes in for the hug. As the male’s hands settle on his back and they eventually move to part, Soonyoung only pulls away partially so that he can take a better look at the outfit as a whole… but all Seungkwan can feel is that he’s looking at his stomach. 

 

“This is cute.” Soonyoung says, his grin growing wider as well as his little crescent shaped eye smiles coming out. “You’re cute.” 

 

Seungkwan still has his head turned away, looking at the wall instead of the adoring hyung in front of him. “I still want a shirt under this though…”

 

“No. You look perfect like this, Seungkwan.” Junhui speaks up from the corner of the room. “Just put the jacket on over it and you’re all set for tonight.” 

 

Jeonghan’s currently pressing powder onto Junhui’s face but he’s still smiling from across the room as he takes a look at Seungkwan. “It’s cute but still masculine at the same time. I love it. You’re going to make a huge impression if you wear this tonight.” 

 

“I don’t know…” Seungkwan mumbled under his breath, still pulling the material down with his fingers. “It’s not really my style…” 

 

“You don’t have to wear it if you don’t want to, but we all think you look great.” Soonyoung assures him as he reaches out, gently pushing Seungkwan’s fingers away from the shirt and choosing to hold them within his own hands instead. “And I think you really look great. I’m not even saying that because I picked the outfit either. I can say you look cute, or handsome, or any other word in the book, but I think you really look good, Seungkwan. Maybe even perfect.” 

 

As Soonyoung ends his sentence with the smallest bit of a lighthearted laugh, Seungkwan can’t help but to feel himself starting to believe him. Sometimes Soonyoung’s got a horrible mind when it comes to mischief but he’s also so sincere when he’s taking care of his friends like this. All of his friends look out for him like older brothers would, but Soonyoung is exceptionally sweet. Seungkwan might even think that there’s no one as kind as Soonyoung in the whole world. He’s thankful for him and his little compliments. He finds himself smiling a little more as he lets his hands relax in his friend’s hold.

 

“And if you ever say that you don’t look good again, I’m going to kiss you instead!” Soonyoung announced suddenly as he let out an amused giggle. “Yup, you heard me right. That’s a threat!” 

 

Junhui chuckled to himself as he listened onto Soonyoung’s plan. “He really will though. You better be careful.” 

 

“You should have just said you wanted to kiss him instead of making some dumb rule about it.” Jeonghan just shakes his head and goes back to working on Junhui’s makeup. “Soonyoung tries to kiss everyone once he gets close to them.” 

 

Soonyoung only laughs more from hearing their comments and shakes Seungkwan’s hands around in his own just to get his attention. “So now you’ve heard my condition right? Don’t say I didn’t tell you if you have to experience it someday.” 

 

Seungkwan can’t help laughing along with them because it actually sounds like something Soonyoung would do. Now he really better watch his tongue because he doesn’t doubt that he would even hesitate for a second. As he plays around with the elder’s hands in his own, he continues listening on to the others gossiping about his past antics. 

 

“Jun, how many times did he sneak attack you within the past year?” Jeonghan asks curiously, earning a shrug from the other male in response. 

 

“I’d say about at least twenty now.” 

 

“Yeah, I’d say the same.” 

 

“You wanna make that twenty one now?” Soonyoung asks greasily as he wiggles his eyebrows at them. Jeonghan makes a slightly disgusted expression while Junhui wiggles his eyebrows too before throwing his head back and cackling. Seungkwan just likes the fact that they’re all playing around and no one is seemingly nervous about their performance at all. 

 

The sound of a firm knock on their door shakes Seungkwan away from playing around with Soonyoung any longer. It must be his friends finally arriving. He’s looking forward to seeing them after so many weeks and he’s practically beaming as he hurries to the door. His body is already ready to throw itself at Mingyu and Minghao but he’s met face to face with their tall, dark, and (relatively) handsome bodyguard instead. 

 

Seungkwan barely remembers his name but he’s always had fond feelings for him ever since he paid a little extra attention to his side when it was his first week. He thought their bodyguard was kind of difficult to approach because he’s physically much more built and he just looks so serious all the time. He’d like to get to know him more personally but he’s too difficult to approach. Today, Seungkwan tries to greet him with a bright smile and a wave. He receives a tight lipped smile and a curt nod in response before the male walks past him completely. 

 

Oh well, better luck next time. 

 

Jeonghan’s eyes avert away from working on Junhui’s makeup as the male enters the room. Almost as if he had been caught in a too comfortable position, he hops off the vanity that he was sitting on and stands more upright instead. “Seungcheol.” He says the male’s name more in questioning rather than in greeting, almost as if his visit was unexpected. “What business do you have coming in here?” 

 

“There are two visitors asking to visit Boo Seungkwan in the entrance.” Seungcheol states his reason outrightly, keeping himself professional even in the break room. “Jihoon told me that he already approved Seungkwan’s request but I wanted to make sure their identities are correct. I already collected their ID’s so if someone could confirm for me, I’ll move on with my business.” 

 

“Oh, of course! I’ll check it!” Seungkwan insists lightheartedly, knowing this is probably only some sort of protocol when it comes to letting people into the behind the scenes places of their workspace. “Kim Mingyu and Xu Minghao. Yup, that’s correct.” 

 

Seungkwan might be all friendly and bright about their interaction but he wouldn’t say the same for the rest of the group. The always energetic Soonyoung stood by the door, as if he was waiting for something. The carefree Junhui had torn his eyes away from his phone and had them locked on the male questioningly. And Jeonghan was holding back on something. Seungkwan could practically see it hiding right behind his lips. If he had guessed right, it was just about to come out too. 

 

“Well, I’m not sure what the issue is here because I’m absolutely sure that Jihoon forbade you from coming into the entertainer’s spaces. Seungkwan gave notice of their names ahead of time. All they had to do was state them at the entrance and you could usher them back here. I don’t see why you need to come in here with their ID’s and make me check them when they’re Seungkwan’s own friends.” 

 

“Right.” Seungcheol admits back to him, bowing his head down momentarily as his face showed no expression but it’s normal blank slate. “You’re right, Mr. Yoon. Next time I won’t think about coming in here and bothering to double check. Now please excuse me, I’ll go and retrieve the guests.” 

 

Jeonghan clicks his tongue and flicks his head towards the door. “Go, and don’t call me Mr. Yoon ever again. It makes me sound too god damn old.” 

 

Seungkwan had been so excited to see his friends but the audible hostility lingering deep down in Jeonghan’s voice made his curiosity grow much more than anymore. He had really thought Seungcheol was a nice guy hidden under his dark expression but now he’s not too sure about that anymore. All he can really assume is that the bodyguard that got involved in the bar’s last love scandal couldn't be anyone other than Seungcheol. 

 

As soon as the door clicks behind him, Junhui tosses his phone across the counter carelessly. The crashing sound makes Seungkwan jump. “He makes me feel so fucking frustrated. I swear, he tries to find every little excuse to come back here and get the chance to talk to you again. It’s like he’s obsessed with you or something.” 

 

“I’m honestly surprised that Jihoon didn’t fire him along with Joshua either.” Soonyoung admits with a bit of a nervous laugh, talking on a little more than necessary in order to light up the mood. “Sometimes I think he keeps coming around because he wants to apologize and then sometimes I think he only comes by to get a rise out of you. You guys are like cats and dogs. Or like Tom and Jerry. But you know, sometimes I think you like the drama too, Jeonghan.” 

 

As Soonyoung started nervous laughing a little more, Jeonghan just pat his head gently as he moved to walk past him. “Whatever, now I’m on edge too. I’m going to go on a walk or something. Seungkwan, tell your lovely friends that I’ll meet them after the show because they really wouldn’t like to meet me while I’m all wired up now.” 

 

“Well, in all honesty….” Seungkwan drawled out hesitantly, already trying to hold back his laughter before he even said what came next. “They already said their favorites are Jun and Hoshi so…”

 

Because he really didn’t see it coming, Jeonghan had to stifle his laughter from coming out as he tried to think up his next comeback. “Alright, then I’m going to take a very long break then… seeing that I’m not needed.” As he trailed off the end of his sentence rather jokingly, he paused by the door with a wink. “I’ll be back right before showtime.” 

 

After the interruption by the bodyguard the atmosphere still doesn’t really return even after Jeonghan leaves the room. It’s clearly a weird position for them all to be in, since even Junhui uncharastically has a sigh on his lips and Soonyoung gives up on making any awkward jokes. Either way, Seungkwan is really lucky that his own friends are about to arrive because he’s sure that at least they’ll bring some fun into this watered down room. 

 

And actually, it’s like he can almost hear them already. 

 

As soon as the door’s opened, without even a knock that is, he hears a very loud and a very elated Mingyu making his way in. “Um, Yoon Jeonghan just passed me in the hall and winked at me? I think I might be blessed now?” Although his words are most likely directed only towards Minghao, Seungkwan and all of the other guys end up hearing them. They all can’t help but to chuckle in response to his wide eyed shock in response to when he finally noticed all of them standing around. “Holy shit, now I’m even more blessed…” 

 

Seungkwan’s so happy to see the two of them. Things have been too busy as of lately and he’s started to miss the days that they could just hang around campus and spend hours doing nothing really. All that really mattered was that they found fun when they were together and that was enough. Seungkwan finds himself running into Mingyu’s chest and nearly tackle hugging the taller male.

 

Mingyu lets out an oof as they collide, but his arms move around to respond to the hug almost instant. Seungkwan’s always liked Mingyu hugs because he never half asses them. He hugs like he’s genuinely so happy to see him every time they meet, wrapping his strong arms around Seungkwan and slowly rocking him back and forth. Not only does it make Seungkwan feel all sorts of soft, warm, and protected, but Mingyu also smells really nice. He could probably push his face in his t-shirt like this for years to come and never quite get sick of it. 

 

“You look good like this, Kwan.” Mingyu compliments him as they linger in the hug for a moment, the taller’s hand patting against his back softly. “I like this outfit.” 

 

Seungkwan moves to hug Minghao next, which is equally as nice but the other male is still kind of awkward about skinship together. It might be the fact that they can’t communicate as much since Minghao’s still learning his English and can’t speak Korean either. Or maybe it’s because Mingyu is really like an open book and he wears his heart and all his trust on his sleeve. He’s been on hugging terms with Seungkwan since their first meeting. 

 

Seungkwan knows that his own friends are excited to meet the guys at Jihoon’s Hell Hole but even more than that, it seems like Soonyoung and Junhui are excited to meet them as well. As soon as Seungkwan finishes hugging Minghao, Soonyoung moves in to give the rather shy boy a big welcoming hug, as Junhui offers a handshake out to Mingyu. 

 

“Hi, I’m Soonyoung and I’ve heard a lot about you both already.” Soonyoung says as he moves from hugging a now flushing Minghao to a nervously excited Mingyu. Seungkwan can’t help himself from laughing a little under his breath as he watches his friends slowly start to lose their cool in front of his other friends who happen to be very handsome. “I know you only know me as Hoshi but you can start calling me by Kwon Soonyoung now. After all, a friend of Seungkwan’s is a friend of mine too.” 

 

He had tipped off Soonyoung to the fact that Mingyu might have favored him a little, so he was hoping that maybe he could maybe use this to his advantage somehow. It might even be working because Mingyu’s already getting tongue tied even during their basic greetings. “Uh… um, I’m Kim Mingu. I mean- Kim Mingyu.” 

 

On the other side of things, Junhui’s starting a full blown conversation in Chinese with Minghao. Seungkwan doesn’t know what they’re talking about but he doesn’t feel the need to ask about it.  It’s the most he’s ever heard Minghao talk in all of these past months and it’s kind of fun to watch for some reason. The male comes off as much more confident and his personality seeps through his words. 

 

“Why don’t you come and sit down on the couch with me and Seungkwan. We can talk a bit before we have to go perform.” Soonyoung suggests as he motions for Mingyu to follow him over, stopping on the way there to clutch onto Seungkwan’s arm and whisper in his ear. “What the hell, Boo! Why didn’t you tell me that he’s actually really good looking?” 

 

“So does that mean you’re actually going to try and get with him or what?” Seungkwan responds back in a hushed voice but he can’t hide some laughter from sneaking out. “It looks like Junhui and Minghao are kicking it off with each other too.” 

 

“Hey, we’ll have to see what happens after the show…” Soonyoung implied back as nudged at Seungkwan’s arm playfully. “I was thinking we'll have an after party back at my place. It was originally meant to be just for us, but I was thinking I’ll have to invite your friends over too.” 

 

As for tonight, Seungkwan isn’t sure what to expect. When it comes to introducing old friends to new ones, putting on his first performance at the bar, or even going to his first party in the city, Seungkwan thinks just about anything can be possible. He wants to take changes tonight. He wants to put everything on the line. Whatever it may be, more than anything, he just wants to give it his all. 

  
  


. . . . . 

  
  
  


Everything is a blur when Seungkwan makes his way across the bartop. The music is so loud that he can feel the bass shaking the ground under him. The crowd is already rowdy and shouting cheers out at them but somehow he can’t make out a thing. Maybe it’s because he’s a perfectionist or maybe it’s because they’ve put so much work into this performance, but he feels almost like he goes into a trance as soon as he gets out on the floor. 

  
  


For some reason he’s unsure of, he’s not feeling nervous at all. It’s more like he can’t feel anything but the dance steps that flow through his body, a product of all of that practice or possibly because all of this still doesn’t feel real enough. He’s too busy following the deliberately planned choreography and keeping up with all of his singing lines that it never really hits him that he’s up on stage and doing all of this. 

 

Because it’s all his first time doing this, he’s happy that Soonyoung, Junhui, and Jeonghan have the majority of the singing lines. It’s only when he gets to stand still and belt out his notes that the others do the hardest parts of the choreography, which saves him from some of the stress of trying to keep up with dancing and singing at all of the same time. Having Mingyu and Minghao watching somewhere in the crowd does wonders for his confidence as well. Not only does he have to put on a good show for the audience but now he has his actual friends to impress. 

 

Since they only perform a few song covers each hour before working back in the bar, the two songs they do perform pass by almost like seconds. By the time they finish in their final pose and the bright lights shining overhead make Seungkwan realize how much of a sweat he had worked up, it’s only then does he realize the thrill he gets from all of this. Not only does the cheering of the crowd feel amazing, but it feels so much more special when he sees Jihoon clapping proudly for them behind the bar. 

 

They’re all allowed to take a mini break but Jihoon allows Seungkwan to take the next hour to rest up. He tried to insist that he wasn’t tired about a million times however Jihoon was intent on making him take the time to cool down. His boss spouted a bunch of nonsense about not getting burned out too quickly and not overexerting himself on his first night performing but Seungkwan didn’t want to hear it at all. Jihoon had to verbally tell him to go and have fun with his friends or else he’d keep him on bar duty all night long. 

 

That didn’t mean Seungkwan was any less calmed down from before though. As if it hit him late, it’s like the high from the thrill of performing only hit him after he had returned back to the breakroom. He couldn’t sit still at all. He just wanted to sing and dance and jump all around the room. Mingyu physically had to push a cold water bottle in his hands and force him to take a seat. 

 

“Hey, where’s Minghao?” Seungkwan blinked in questioning as he filled his cheeks with water, puffing them out a little bit. “I thought he was coming back here with us…” 

 

Mingyu just lets out a chuckle and takes a seat next to Seungkwan on the sofa, the weight of his body subtly making the younger shift closer to his side. “He’s off with Junhui again. All he said was something learning how to make drinks.” 

 

Seungkwan only blinks more in questioning at that information. “You think they’re a thing now?” 

 

“What do you mean by ‘a thing’?” Mingyu asks back to him now, only finding this even more funny for some reason. “If you think they’re going to start dating now, I doubt it. I think Hao’s just happy that he’s made a friend that he can actually talk naturally with.” 

 

“I can’t say the same thing for Junhui though. The guys are all really nice but they’re a little too flirtatious sometimes. I’m sure they mean well but for some reason, I wouldn’t hesitate to think that they’d hook up with one of you if they passed it by me first.” Seungkwan admitted with a small chuckle. “Hell, you didn’t hear it earlier but Soonyoung told me that he thinks you’re really handsome. Maybe you even have a chance at getting closer to him at the party tonight.” 

 

“You think so?” Mingyu asked back to play along with him, musing around with the idea as he leaned back against the couch and relaxedly threw an arm around the back of it. “To be honest, I never thought I would get the chance to meet him. Hoshi I mean. The more I was talking to him tonight, the more I realized he’s unlike Hoshi in every way I could have thought. Soonyoung is just like any other guy I could have met on campus.” 

 

As Seungkwan listens to Mingyu’s words, he founds himself pouting slightly as he looks up to him. “Did I ruin the illusion for you by inviting you to meet him?” 

 

“Nah, you didn’t ruin anything.” Mingyu shakes his head, moving his arm to rest around Seungkwan’s shoulders comfortably instead. “Don’t go and look so disappointed like that. It’s kind of hard to explain my thoughts but… I feel like the Hoshi that I was into before doesn’t really exist. He’s just an average guy named Soonyoung who happens to turn on this character sometimes.” 

 

He’s right. Seungkwan knows he is but he doesn’t exactly know how to explain it. He leans his head against Mingyu’s shoulder and lets out a sigh. “I hate to break it to you… but that’s kind of what we this business is all about. We sell a made up image of ourselves to the customers in order to keep them coming and spending money. I could say it’s about the performing aspect but that would be a lie too, right? We’re all happy to be here and making our start towards fame but it certainly isn’t what we’d expect ourselves to be doing ten years from now. It’s not the most honest choice of a career.” 

 

“I get you.” Mingyu nods, pursing his lips as he thinks a little bit more about what Seungkwan had told him. “It was just coming here today that I realized Hoshi isn’t real. He might have been there on stage in front of me tonight, but Hoshi doesn’t exist in reality once I leave the bar. I’m not saying I don’t like Soonyoung or anything like that. It’s just that I thought I would be meeting Hoshi tonight, only to realize that he doesn’t even act like Hoshi or speak like Hoshi or do anything I thought he would.” 

 

“So you are disappointed, huh?” Seungkwan can’t stop himself from frowning somewhat, even though Mingyu had previously scolded him not to. “I knew that you and Hao already knew about them so that’s part of the reason I invited you here. But if I’m being honest, I wanted to bring you guys here because this is a huge part of my life now. Not only do we work together, but they’ve really become like members of my own family. I know you might not be able to look at them as their idol personas anymore but I hope you can look at them as my friends. Soonyoung may not be Hoshi but in fact I like him more than Hoshi. He may just be some ordinary guy to you but he’s still unlike anyone else in my world. He’s so supportive of me everyday, he makes me laugh all the time, and I feel like I’m always smiling when he’s by my side.” 

 

“You really love him, don’t you?” Mingyu speaks up after a moment of silence drifts between them. The question catches Seungkwan off guard momentarily, but Mingyu only smiles more once he sees the somewhat jarred expression flicker past Seungkwan’s face. “It’s alright if you do. I can see it just by the way that you talk about him. He’s clearly done a lot for you.” 

 

“Love Soonyoung? I mean, yeah I guess I do but…” He pauses for a second glancing at Mingyu just to check if they’re on the same page. “Wait, do you think I’m dating him? Because no, we’re really not like that! We’re just like really close friends, or maybe even brothers at this point!” 

 

Mingyu’s got a smirk on his lips that Seungkwan doesn’t exactly like. He wishes he could swat it away or something. In fact, he does decide on swatting at Mingyu’s arm to get him to stop making that dumb face. 

 

“Okay, fine. I’ll believe you then. Jeez, I don’t know why you kept on trying to convince me when you don’t think that way at all. You look like some kindergartener tryna cover up some crush with all that rambling.” 

 

“That’s because you’re impossible.” Seungkwan insisted back with his lips pouted out slightly, the both of them far too stubborn for their own good. “Even if I told you one hundred times you still wouldn’t get it...” 

 

All it took were those few words for Mingyu to lightly trail his fingers over the younger’s jaw and gently angle his face sideways to meet his own. Seungkwan feels his heart jump in response to the abrupt actions, or maybe it’s because Mingyu’s eyes look so soft and kind. He feels the male’s warm breath ghosting on his face. Nope, he’s not drunk at all. Seungkwan doesn’t know what to expect so he blinks up at him like he’s a deer caught in the headlights. 

 

“Stop pouting. Your lips are going to get stuck like that if you keep it up.” 

 

Even though Mingyu says that to him and lets go of the gentle hold that his fingertips have on his face, Seungkwan can’t tear himself to move any further away from the closeness they previously shared. It’s like if he moves away he’ll be backing away from the challenge. He can’t just allow Mingyu to grab his face and pull him close like that. It’s almost like he has to prove that those actions don’t affect him at all. 

 

“So what? What does it even matter to you?” He retorts back with a little bit of attitude now, laughing under his breath as he turns his face away from him. “You think you can just pull me close and try to make me flustered and all just because you’re good looking? I don’t think it works like that, Kim Mingyu.” 

 

As Seungkwan stands up from his seat and starts to make his way back to work, Mingyu reaches up and grasps his hand at the last minute. It doesn’t exactly stop Seungkwan from walking out on him. He could easily brush his hand off and continue walking on, but there’s a part of him that’s curious. Surely the two of them are just playing around with each other. This is all just some sort of back and forth teasing game that started because it’s late and night and both of their emotions are high. Even though he knows this, he’s still curious. 

 

So he lets Mingyu hold his hand there. 

 

“Seungkwan, come and sit down with me for a second. There’s something I want to talk to you about.” As the elder gives his hand a firm tug, Seungkwan finds himself giving into this desire to know as he lets himself plop back down on the couch alongside Mingyu. He’s never seen him like this ever before. He looks like he’s still struggling to find the right words but the fact that he’s fighting to make eye contact means that there’s something on his mind. Then he says it. 

 

“I miss you.” 

 

The words are simple enough. They’re nice to hear. Certainly he’d say the same thing back to Mingyu and even to Minghao himself. So he does. He just smiles and lightly pats the hand that Mingyu is still firmly holding onto. “I miss you too, Gyu. I’m hoping to come back to school sometime soon once I get used to this schedule.” 

 

Seungkwan wanted to label those words as something friends would say to each other after a long time of not seeing each other. That’s certainly how he himself considered them. But as for Mingyu, the same intent wasn’t there. Almost immediately after he repeated the words back he saw something flicker in Mingyu’s eyes. That was the last thing he registered in his mind before warm lips came crashing onto his own. 

 

And Mingyu was kissing him. 

 

Maybe Seungkwan should have known that this was what he wanted. After all, he should have known after Mingyu had been so deliberate about his actions before. Seungkwan knew what would probably happen if he sat down again but his curiosity got the better of him. It was like he had walked into this knowingly and still waited for it to happen. He should probably have more shame but… 

 

It’s been a long time since he’s had someone who wanted to kiss him like this. He can blame it on loneliness, or because he’s all alone in a foreign country and he’s craving the intimacy. He can blame it on the fact that Mingyu is very handsome and there’s no way in hell that a guy like this would ever pay him any attention in Korea. He can blame it on any one of these things. But the one thing he wants to blame it on the most is the fact that Hansol doesn’t like his friends. Hansol doesn’t like his job. Hansol doesn’t like the two things that bring him the most happiness. 

 

Mingyu is like a perfect opportunity to forget all of that. And that opportunity is practically sitting right in front of his lap. 

 

So one of his hands runs through Mingyu’s hair and he pulls him as close as possible, to the point where he feel’s the male’s tongue slipping past his lips and invading the inside of his mouth. There’s a moment where he tries to get into it as much as possible, to have the other wash away all of his worries by relishing in all of this physical contact. Mingyu’s body is warm and just as protective as it’s always felt. His lips are sweet to the taste. He’s still handsome and he still smells really good. 

  
  


But Seungkwan can only think about Hansol. 

  
  
  


. . . . . 

  
  
  


Seungkwan’s not in the mood to continue the night after his work shift ends. He tried his best to distract himself from what just happened by focusing on the performances every hour as well as talking with the customers. The compliments were flooding in today and so were the requests to do love shots. Instead of using water though, Seungkwan found himself tipping back a few just because he didn’t even care anymore. He didn’t have to get drunk to realize kissing Mingyu was a mistake, but it certainly didn’t hurt things after the fact. 

 

Part of what’s most frustrating is the fact that he’s so stuck on Hansol and they’re not even dating. He’s young and single and in one of the biggest cities with the most people in the whole entire world. The potential for going out and hooking up with anyone he wants is at it’s all time high. He could go out to some club with Soonyoung, Junhui, and Jeonghan and they could all probably end up bringing someone home at the end of the night. He could meet other guys much more handsome than Mingyu, or even some of the world’s prettiest girls at that. But no, he’s still hung up on someone who he isn’t even dating. 

 

It makes absolutely no sense but yet it does all at the same time. Seungkwan is stubborn when it comes to his emotions. 

 

And currently, he’s not too proud of his indiscretion with Mingyu. It was nothing Mingyu did. The kisses they shared weren’t bad or anything like that. He just couldn’t get into it at all. In all senses and uses of the phrase, it was really one of those  _ ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ _ type of situations. He’s feeling really guilty but he can’t decide who towards. Does he feel guilty for using Mingyu or does he feel guilty for kissing someone else when it should have been Hansol? 

 

Seungkwan doesn’t want to decide that because he’s not ready to. He was already sloshed as the group of his combined made their way back to the apartment. His legs felt slightly wobbly and his head was already spinning, but as soon as they make their way inside they only start drinking more once Jeonghan pops some bottles open. A red cup mixture is pushed into his hands by his senior and Seungkwan just throws back his head and downs it. Each drink is step closer to forgetting. 

 

At the end of the day, at least his friends from school like his work friends. That was all he ever wanted in the first place. They seem to be getting along relatively well too. Soonyoung is teaching Minghao a bunch of dance moves in their living room and the younger is surprisingly keeping up with him. As they go back and forth teaching each other hip hop styles and b-boy moves, they just miss knocking over various pieces of furniture while sharing loud laugher. Seungkwan finds it nice to watch as he watches the funny colored alcohol spin around in his cup. 

 

In the other corner of the room Jeonghan is all cuddled up on the couch and watching some obscure movie with Junhui. As Junhui sleepily lets Jeonghan rest in his chest, the elder keep quoting the lines of the movie like he’s in some sort of trance. At the particular parts that he finds funny he points at the screen and tries to explain the humor to Junhui but he just doesn't get it. Or maybe he doesn’t care to get it. 

 

Mingyu’s sitting on the couch with them. Seungkwan’s stuck in the middle between all of them. He tries to pretend like he’s watching the movie because he doesn’t want to make any conversation with Mingyu. Maybe it’s rude not to talk to him after what they did but honestly, he’s just not in the mood. Even though the male’s arm still winds along the backside of the couch, Seungkwan doesn’t let him wrap his arm around him this time. Mingyu doesn’t talk about it either. Maybe he regrets the kiss too. 

 

As Seungkwan gets up to excuse himself to the kitchen, he’s not surprised when someone ends up following him from behind. He’s hoping and praying it’s Soonyoung, or at least one of the other guys but as soon as those strong arms wrap themselves around his waist, he knows that it’s the person he’s want to see least. 

 

“Mingyu….” Seungkwan starts off slowly, prying the male’s hands away from his midsection with the one hand that wasn’t holding his cup. “Mingyu, stop… I’m really not interested.” 

 

He’s sure Mingyu heard him but unfortunately for both of their sakes, Mingyu has had a lot to drink tonight too. If anything, it only makes him more clingy. Now he’s rubbing his cheek against Seungkwan’s own very affectionately and if he keeps it up, Seungkwan’s going to have a hard time telling him off like this. He’s still cute. As much as he doesn’t want to admit that right now. 

 

“But I like you.” Mingyu confesses suddenly, only rubbing his cheek more against Seungkwan’s own. “I like you so much.” 

 

Seungkwan just sighs and puts his cup down on the table. He places his hands on top of Mingyu’s own and gently pushes them away from his abdomen. “If you like me then what do you like about me?” 

 

“You’re amazing, Seungkwan. There’s no one like you. I’ve always thought that you were cute but after seeing you on stage tonight, I think I started to like you.” 

 

They’re nice words. They might even be true. But Mingyu is drunk and he’s drunk too but he still has absolutely no interest in playing around with him any longer. He has to let him down but he wants to do it gently. 

 

“Mingyu, what are my sister’s names?” 

 

The taller male leans against the wall for support now that Seungkwan had pushed him away, still somewhat sloppy in his ability to hold himself up on his own. “Um…. I don’t know.” He admits honestly, blinking rapidly a few times. “Do I need to know that?” 

 

“Where do I come from?” 

 

“Jeju.” At least he answers this question right. 

 

“But what part?” 

 

Mingyu just smiles charmingly but that still doesn’t mean he knows the answer. He’s still at a loss for words. 

 

“See, you don’t really like me after all. You barely know anything about me.” Seungkwan admits with a small shrug of his shoulders, looking down at the floor as he still feels guilty breaking it to Mingyu, even if he is completely drunk right now too. “Maybe we got caught up in the moment or something. But as for me, I already have someone I like so… I don’t think I can do something like that again.” 

 

Hearing him admit that he already had feelings for someone else certainly changes Mingyu’s expression a bit. If he seemed a bit hazy in his gaze and unable to bring himself to reality minutes ago, at least this shakes something up inside of him. His stare is resolute now and he’s actually somewhat frowning. Maybe there was something serious in all of his actions tonight. 

 

That still doesn’t change things for Seungkwan though. He picks Hansol. He’d pick Hansol 100 times over. 

 

“I get it.” Mingyu finds himself saying after a heavy silence had floated in between them. “Even though I can understand your reasons, I don’t think I made a mistake tonight. I don’t regret it at all. Just let me know if anything changes someday. I don’t know if I’ll be waiting or not, but I think I’d want to know.” 

 

Mingyu seems to understand where he’s coming from now. Almost as if he needs a break from dealing with this subject as well, he takes his leave and finds himself passing Seungkwan, plopping down on the couch again and resuming watching the movie. There’s a sigh that passes through Seungkwan’s lips as he leans against the doorframe and just watches his friends for a moment. Everyone is enjoying their time together. Everyone but him. 

 

He decides that it’s time to head home for tonight. He’ll just put his jacket on and slip out unnoticed. It’s not like they’ll even care if he just up and leaves anyways. So he tries his best to click to door silently behind him and make his way out of the apartment complex. It’s sometime past four in the morning at this time. In just thirty minutes or so, the sun will be up and he’ll have to start a new day lingering onto the thoughts of yesterday. The fresh air does wonders for his alcohol flushed skin though. He plans on walking home alone in the cool dawn air, allowing for his dirty sneakers to dip into the puddles that a previous rainstorm left behind. 

 

By the time he gets only about one block down, he hears someone run up to him and pull on his arm to stop him. He’s begging and praying that it’s not Mingyu before he turns around. When he finally manages to gather the courage, he’s met face to face with a clearly overexerted Soonyoung. He’s still in his sweatpants and t-shirt. No coat. His cheeks are flushed with a pink from running all the way here to catch him in time. 

 

“Why didn’t you tell me you were leaving?” Soonyoung asks, almost like he’s slightly hurt that Seungkwan didn’t tell him but more concerned at the same time. “Is everything alright? Do you feel sick from drinking too much?” 

 

Seungkwan knows he relies on Soonyoung too much. He really knows that by now. But as soon as he sees him here, so willing to accept him for everything and give his help so unselfishly, Seungkwan can’t hold back once his knees start quivering under him. His chest aches. As soon as he falls into Soonyoung’s chest, the tears slip out. He doesn’t know what’s gotten into him lately but he just feels so weak. 

 

He doesn’t sob but there’s certainly a lot of tears. He still manages to tell Soonyoung everything. They talk about it as they sit along the curb, waiting for the sun to come up as Seungkwan still kicks along at the puddles with his worn out sneakers. 

 

“I don’t think it’s a mistake that you kissed Mingyu.” Soonyoung replies out after a moment of thought. “It might make you feel guilty, but at the same time now you know your feelings for Vernon have gotten quite serious. They can’t be matched with anyone else.” 

 

“I think I’m running out of time with this  _ ‘taking things slow _ ’ pace with him.” Seungkwan confesses. He knows what has to come soon. The make or break moment that will change things between him and Hansol forever. “I’m going to have to confess to him soon. Maybe even the next time I see him.” 

 

“You should. I’m sure he’ll say yes.” 

 

“You really think so?” 

 

As Seungkwan looks at him for a moment of honesty, Soonyoung only hesitates for a second before a slow yet somewhat smile passes over his features. “I can never be completely sure. No one can. But when it comes to you and your feelings for Vernon….well, I think that’s something we all have confidence in. If it’s real then Vernon should be able to see that too.” 

 

Seungkwan has to think about his words for a moment, just staring at the cars passing in front of him or the way the sun is slowly starting to play along the horizon line. Soonyoung’s words make him happy, but he still feels bitter for some reason. He can still taste the guilt of kissing Mingyu on his lips. 

 

“I hope the same thing as you but… how can I even confess when I feel so regretful about what happened today?”

 

Soonyoung just lets out a laugh as he bumps into Seungkwan’s shoulder. “Hey, it’s just a kiss. It’s not like it’s your first or anything, so there’s no need to freak out about it. I know you wish you didn’t do that now but I’m sure the two of you will forget about it and move on in just a couple days.” 

 

“I hope so. I really hope so….” Seungkwan admits as he lets his head plop down on Soonyoung’s shoulder, using him as his favorite pillow when he most needs it. He’s so tired. Mentally and emotionally. It would be nice if this day could be over already. 

 

“Hey, can I try something?” 

“Hm? What?”

 

Soonyoung moves his hands to cup Seungkwan’s cheeks gently, holding him in place as he leans forward and places a soft peck to his lips. It’s just a tiny little kiss, but as soon as he pulls away he lets out an cheerful giggle and releases Seungkwan’s cheeks from his hold. “There! Now the last person you kissed isn’t Kim Mingyu anymore.” 

 

Seungkwan is frozen in shock for a moment but as soon as he realized why Soonyoung did that, he can’t help but to let out an honest laugh at how ironic this night ended up being. He was so stressed out over his kiss with Mingyu but Soonyoung just grabbed him and replaced that kiss with a more lighthearted one instead. He’s not even sure why it’s so funny to him but he feels himself cracking up at how sudden and unexpected it was. Like always, he can count on Soonyoung to find his smile again. 

 

“See, now I erased it for you.” Soonyoung says quite proudly, nodding even though his cheeks are still a little flushed from his sudden bold actions. “And before you confess to Vernon, at least I got to sneak my kiss in there as well!” 

 

“Heh, I can say it’s not what I expected but at least it made me stop worrying about the other stupid kiss.” 

 

Soonyoung just wiggles his eyebrows. “Wanna do it again?” 

 

“No, I’m going home now. I’ve had enough kissing for today.” 

 

“Well, there’s always tomorrow.” The elder sings out as he jumps up from his spot, joining Seungkwan as they finally stand up from their seats on the curb. “But hopefully not with me… save them all for Vernon!” 

 

“I’m just gonna go now….” 

 

“Go and get your man! Pucker up those cutie lips and give him a big smack on the cheek! Hold his hand as softly as you can and fuckin’ treasure it!” 

 

Seungkwan can hear him all the way down the street. At least he’s heading home on a good note in the end. He might be in a better mood now, but he still pretends that he doesn’t hear or know anyone named Kwon Soonyoung. 


	12. with me tonight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> um i wrote this with a fever of 101 so literally it's NOT proofread  
> please let me know if there are any major mistakes but let's hope spellcheck got most of them for me  
> but because i was slow on this one there's about 1.3k extra words than usual  
> thanks for waiting !
> 
> @citruseungkwan on twitter/tumblr

Before Seungkwan can even realize it, the soft chills in the fall breeze turn into bitter cold winter winds instead. His time in the city has seemed to pass by so quickly in many ways, but the fact that he’s been living here for almost half a year is still rather surprising to reflect on. It’s only been a few months but his life has changed drastically. Not only is he in a new place but it’s almost like he’s become a different person. He’s got a new group of friends that are just like family, an unexpected new job that he absolutely loves, and a completely new look going on as well.  

 

He’s still not too sure if he’s become the person he wanted to be before he came here. It’s more like he’s still experimenting with the challenges that come his way each and every day. After all, New York City is always filled with twists and turns and new things to expect. 

 

As for today’s unpredictable event, he’s faced with a giant snowstorm. 

 

It’s not like Seungkwan hasn’t seen snow before. Even back in bright and sunny Jeju, there’s an occasional sprinkling of snow at least once a year. He’s experienced it a few times before and the almost rarity of it makes it all the more special. Jeju looks absolutely beautiful when it’s covered with snow but the light powdery substance is so fleeting that it melts away only shortly after. It’s almost like as soon as Seungkwan tries takes a feel of it in his hands, it melts away into nothingness instead. 

 

New York seems to be a completely different story as winter approaches. A massive snowstorm comes in hard and strong to start off the coldest season. It’s none of the light flurries that Seungkwan’s used to either. It’s the hard and crunchy snow that piles up on the sidewalks for weeks and weighs down power lines and eventually even cuts off the electricity. All of the city seems to be on a weather lockdown for the time being. Seungkwan doesn’t have school because it’s cancelled. More the half of the shops were out of the groceries he wanted when he was stocking up in preparation for the storm. Even the always popular and always open Hell Hole ends up closing for the weekend, along with the diner that Seokmin works at. That leaves Seungkwan home all alone to wait out the snowfall. 

 

The majority of his day is spent catching up on some much needed sleep. He then moves on to completing his week’s English assignments, along with doing every household chore he can even think of. It’s been a long time since he’s had this much free time. He spends the next few hours running back and forth sweeping, washing dishes, and organizing his closet, all the while singing along to all of his favorite songs. The apartment nearly spotless and everything is neatly filed in order, but for some reason it just feels a little bit lonely. 

 

It’s almost like there’s still something missing. 

 

A light sigh passes out from Seungkwan’s lips. He’s still doing that a lot lately. It’s almost like it’s become one of his habits now. As he puts his broom down and takes a seat on his sofa to take a break, he can hear the harsh winds from outside shake the frame of the old building he lives in. He’s never really experienced a storm this severe before. Sometimes when the wind blows a little too hard the lights in his apartment flicker a little but they never go out completely. He’s just praying they don’t go out for good because he’s already bored enough right now. He can’t even resort to binge watching dramas if his wifi goes out. 

 

In the moment that he passes with thinking of trivial thoughts, such as what he should cook for dinner or what chore to do next, there’s a small thought that also happens to cross his mind.

 

Hansol. 

 

The weather is so bad that his neighbor is probably stuck next door doing the same thing. And Seungkwan can bet that he’s probably as equally bored. 

 

It’s been awhile since he’s really seen Hansol. It’s been an even longer time since they’ve been able to spend some quality time together. Sure, he’s seen the other a few quick times in passing. He’s bumped into him in the laundry room when Hansol was just leaving and Seungkwan was entering. He’s waved at him from across the room while Hansol saw him at the diner with the guys again. They’ve even ran into each other running into the convenience store for some late night snacks within the past week. Things just haven’t the same between them recently. Instead of their weekly all day hangouts they’ve gotten more familiar with accidental meetings over the course of the week. Or sometimes even two weeks. 

 

Seungkwan partially blames himself for their relationship drifting apart. After Hansol had told him about some of the reasons why he doesn't want to hang out with his friends, Seungkwan had automatically put up some sort of wall between them. He didn’t know how to make both sides work and he was distancing himself not to get hurt. But after learning the truth behind Hansol’s situation from the help of his friends, there was a part of him that wanted to fight to make it work. He understands why Hansol wants to keep his distance so he wants to find a way to fix some of the hard feelings between his friends...if that’s possible in any way.

 

But after all the confusion of kissing Mingyu, then temporarily hating himself for it, and then realizing that his crush on Hansol has gotten much more deep than he’s wanted it to, he’s gotten more concerned with dealing with that. He’s known that he has to confront Hansol eventually. Almost as if this snowstorm has been caused by some sort of fate pushing them together, Seungkwan decides that today might have to be that day. 

 

Without any much thought about it further, Seungkwan pushes himself up from the sofa and tries not to change his mind on this. If he wants to see Hansol so much then he might as well just go and see him. It’s too much of a waste of time to just sit around and mope about him all day. In the spirit of the bold and courageous Seungkwan who set off and moved all the way around the world just on a whim, he’s going to gather some of that fearlessness and go after he wants.

 

That’s the original plan but in reality as soon as Seungkwan’s knuckles knock against the door and he hears Hansol’s footsteps approaching, he’s already debating running back into his place like nothing happened. 

 

But then Hansol opens the door and his hair looks kind of tousled with sleep but it looks so soft and he looks mildly surprised by seeing Seungkwan there but then he does this lazy sort of half smile thing and Seungkwan wants to throw himself at him. He doesn’t though. His brain just kind of goes dead after thinking all of this. The most he can really do at a time like this is smile back and breathe out a secretly struggled hello. 

 

“Hey, Seungkwan.” Hansol greets him back rather distractedly, throwing a hand back to flatten down his hair although he’s still rather surprised to see him here. “What are you doing here? I mean, do you need help with something or are you just stopping by?” 

 

Seungkwan finds himself laughing softly to himself as he sees the other nearly scramble to conceal his messy hair. “No, I don’t need anything. I was just sitting home and doing nothing so I decided to come by and see if you were up to anything different.” 

 

“I’ve been doing even less than nothing today. In fact, I actually just woke up now so… yeah.” 

 

As Hansol admits this, Seungkwan can’t help but to widen his eyes. “Hansol, it’s past four in the afternoon!” 

 

“Yeah, well I had to work later than expected last night and got back really late!” Hansol tries to explain in the process of saving himself, now somewhat bickering back against Seungkwan like they always used to do. The almost playful smile lingering on his lips reminds Seungkwan of the closeness they’ve shared in the past. The feeling is familiar but those times still feel rather far away as of recently. More than anything, Seungkwan wants them to grow closer again.

 

Instead of going in to tease Hansol about his laziness any further, Seungkwan just smiles up at him and gets straight to the point. He’s already decided on going after what he wants so he might as well go right in for it. “Can I come in? I don’t really want to be alone in this storm and I was thinking we could do something together…. or actually, maybe could work on writing some lyrics for your song? If you still want my help, that is.” 

 

“Of course.” Hansol insists rather eagerly, and Seungkwan can see the excitement pass over his face as the topic of his song is brought up. “I did some edits over the past few weeks. Just some small things but I think they’re really going to improve the song. I wanted to show you but you’ve been busy and I’ve been busy so…” He trails on before he realizes they’re still just standing in the hallway and talking out here instead of actually going in. “Come on, I’ve got everything set up in my room.” 

 

As Hansol steps aside and leaves room for Seungkwan to enter in along with him, Seungkwan can’t really bother to hide his excitement. He’s lucky that Hansol is leading the way into the apartment and he's just following behind him because Seungkwan is  _ beaming _ . Not only did he easily secure an invite into Hansol’s house but he’s being invited into his bedroom. For the first time. He hasn’t even seen what the room looks like but he’s always been curious. It seems like another look into his crush’s secret life as he can get a look into the place he spends the most of his time in. 

 

Hansol’s room is much neater than he would have expected for someone as busy as he is. His blankets and pillows are thrown around on his bed but the rest of his room has its own particular way of being organized. There’s the keyboard that Hansol always talks about against one corner of the wall. He’s got a desk with a large PC and other types of equipment hooked up to it that look important but Seungkwan knows little about. The few bookcases that manage to fit in the tiny room are packed to capacity with books, records, and cds but they’re all kept orderly and in their own areas. There might be some overflow of these objects pushed under Hansol’s bed but other than that, Seungkwan’s rather surprised he keeps his room this neat. 

 

“Sorry about the mess.” Hansol says anyways, even though in actuality Seungkwan was thinking the opposite. “I was literally just sleeping so I didn’t have time to clean anything up.” 

 

Seungkwan tells him not to worry about it but Hansol still goes to fix his bedding anyways. The previous rush of excitement that he had felt from being invited into Hansol’s place is now starting to wear off. The fact that they’re about to be alone and in his bedroom is starting to sink in instead. Seungkwan can already start to feel his heartbeat racing as he watches Hansol’s back working to tidy up the bed. 

 

His hands start to feel a little shaky from the nerves so he plays around with his fingers momentarily to distract himself. “You know, it’s kind of funny….” He drawls off, searching for any small talk that he can think of. “My room is right against this wall too. It’s like we’re sleeping in the same place but there’s only this wall to separate us.” 

 

Hansol lets out a small chuckle as his comment but moves on to reach over for his laptop next. He takes a seat down on his own bed, with the sound of the mattress lightly creaking under him making all of this so much more real for Seungkwan. Shortly after he pats the empty space next to him, wordlessly signaling for Seungkwan to come over and join as he opens his laptop and searches to pull up his music programs. So much for being bold before. Every step that Seungkwan takes to make his way to that bed seems like an eternity. It’s like each step will lead him more closer to the possibility of him and Hansol actually doing something. 

 

As soon as he takes a seat on the bed and the mattress lightly squeaks underneath his weight too, Seungkwan’s almost sure that something will happen between them tonight. He’s not scared of Hansol pulling a move on him. He’s more afraid of himself and his inability to hold himself back anymore.  

He’s going to make a move tonight if Hansol doesn’t. Maybe not right now because he’s actually really interested in hearing the progress towards the song. Subtly, but very determinedly, in the back of his mind he’s still secretly trying to plan out how he should make this happen.

 

They actually do a bit of work that Seungkwan gets engrossed in. He likes when Hansol goes over the updates he’s done to the song and explains his reasons for doing so. He’s always like when Hansol talks so deeply and interestedly into something he’s passionate about. Of course he’s listening the whole time but he’s more concentrated on watching the little flicker of excitement that lives in Hansol’s eyes when he talks like this. He likes looking into his rich brown eyes. He likes his small and sometimes bashful looking smile. He likes the almost magnetic type of chemistry between them that makes conversation come easy and smiles almost constant. He just really, really likes Hansol. 

 

He likes him so much that he wishes all of the good things in the word for him but mostly, he wants to be able to give Hansol all of these things himself. 

 

But even more than that, he wants Hansol to think the same way of him too. 

 

He’s really hoping he does. In fact, there have been some times where he thinks he almost might. There’s small moments where he catches Hansol’s eyes on him even when he’s looking off somewhere else. Sometimes the bumping of their shoulders or the brushing of hands seems much more purposeful than coincidental. The way he speaks to Seungkwan is a little too consistent in it’s kindness. 

 

Maybe Seungkwan’s always noticed these things but he’s chosen not to. Maybe he wanted them to be good friends first. Or maybe he wanted to protect this closeness with Hansol before anything like feelings could threaten to ruin it. And maybe now that there’s something that could finally complicate things he feels the need to act on it now. 

 

“I still haven’t come up with any lyrics yet.” Hansol says out of the blue, pausing the song from repeating itself over again after a few times of getting Seungkwan used to the changes. “It’s been busy lately. Like I mean really busy. I know things have been really busy with you too because we hardly see each other anymore.” 

 

Seungkwan nods to himself as a light frown settles on his lips. Hansol’s right, but he can’t exactly tell him that some of the reason for that was because he was purposely ignoring him. “Well, I guess that’s what happen when I start working night shifts and you work all throughout the day.” He feels dishonest this way. He should really be more truthful from now on. “Plus I’ve wanted to make time for both you and my other friends but that’s gotten a little complicated too as of lately…” 

 

Seungkwan doesn’t have to look at Hansol to know that the other understands exactly what he means. He can see the way the male’s fingers hesitate from continuing to click away on the laptop. He hears the hitching of Hansol’s breath in his throat to know that he’s holding back a sigh. Even though he should give him time to say something, he can’t help but to continue on. “You know, it’s really hard to make time for everyone without feeling like I’m picking sides. Sometimes it feels like I’m sneaking around doing something I’m not supposed to even though I haven’t done anything but get involved. I know you don’t hate them but, it’s kind of put me in a hard position.” 

 

“I know.” Hansol says next, without even having to stop and think about what Seungkwan said before turning to face him. The look in Hansol’s usually soft brown eyes is more serious than he’s ever seen before. It shakes Seungkwan up in the most mysterious of ways. “I’ve been going back and forth in my head this whole time since I mentioned my feelings about the situation back at the diner that night. I’m not sure why I told you. Maybe I wanted to protect myself. To give myself a reason to run away and ignore them further. Maybe I did it because I wanted you to know about my past with them and in a way, maybe I wanted to confide some of my past in you too. But out of all of these maybes, maybe my most probable reasoning is the worst of them all. Maybe I told you because I wanted you to pick me over them. To leave them behind and only chose me.” 

 

Having Hansol speak brutally honest with him is something that Seungkwan didn’t expect. The two of them rarely spoke about things such as serious as this anyways. When uncomfortable spots in their conversations would come up about Hansol’s bad relationship with his parents, or Seungkwan’s neverending anxieties about the future they would often rely on each other to brighten the mood with some more joking and fooling around instead. It’s not that they couldn’t talk about all of the serious things in life together. Seungkwan could surely bet he could rely on Hansol if he was having a hard time. It’s just that the two of them relied on each other much more for happiness instead. When he’s with Hansol he’s so happy he just kind of forgets about all of that other stuff. 

 

Seungkwan listens to Hansol carefully, letting the weight of his words sink in. He understands him completely. He understood him even before they had this talk today. But even so, hearing the words from Hansol himself alleviates some of the pressure he felt from the situation before. 

 

“I want to apologize to you, Seungkwan.” Hansol continues on next, still looking straight into Seungkwan’s eyes with a sincerity that he's never experienced before. Maybe not in his whole entire life. “I was being selfish when I told you all of those things. It’s all in the past so I should have kept it to myself instead of dragging you into it unfairly. It would have been better if you had found out by chance instead because now I’ve put you into a position where you feel like you have to choose.” 

 

As Seungkwan hears Hansol’s true feelings about the situation, he can’t help but to shake his head a bit in disagreement at one part of it. “I accept your apology even though I wasn’t looking for one in the first place. However there’s one thing that I can’t accept… you can say it’s selfish and unfair to drag me into things… but I don’t feel the same way. I don’t think it’s selfish that you wanted to tell me the truth behind why you’re uncomfortable around them. I don’t any less of you if you were feeling insecure that I was spending more time with them. And if I understand your feelings right, I understand how you could feel jealous that I’m leaning towards one side over the other. If they’re your real and honest feelings then I want to hear them. They’re all important. No matter how unfair or selfish they may be.” 

 

Hansol hesitates for a moment after. His lips open and close as if he’s struggling with what he wants to say next. It’s clear that he’s thinking about something but he’s not thinking fast enough for Seungkwan’s sake. He can’t help but to reach over and take Hansol’s hand in his own. He has to reassure him. 

 

“Hansol, I might spend a lot of time with my new friends but that doesn’t change the fact that you were my first friend here. You were all I looked forward to every week when we would go out on our weekend adventures. There were so many times when I wanted to give up because I thought I couldn’t do it all on my own but you gave me that little push to get through each week. You were so important to me, Hansol and you still are. I may have new friends now but that still doesn’t mean you’re any less important.” 

 

Seungkwan watches on as Hansol’s eyes travel down to their hands that are resting together. Seungkwan was the one who took the initiative to reach out first, but now it’s his hand that is trembling more than anything. He’s not even sure why he’s shaking so much in the first place. He’d like to think that it’s a rush of adrenaline that’s making him be so bold now, or maybe he’s actually incredibly nervous that he’s on the edge of things. It would be so easy to slip the words out right now. To tell Hansol that the reason why he cares about him the most is because he’s grown to like him so much. 

 

In fact, he doesn’t even have to say it. They’re so close now that Seungkwan could just lean in and show him with his actions instead. All it would take is a few centimeters and a few seconds. He could brush his lips against Hansol’s own and convey everything all in that one touch. 

 

He wants to. He’s really planning to. But then Hansol pulls his hand away from the hold that they share. 

 

Hansol uses that hand to push back his hair as he lets out a long sigh, as if his mind is lost in thinking about something else. 

 

Seungkwan’s sure that he’s about to crumble from all the tension between him. He feels something tearing at his heart. There’s something almost angry inside of him. Why can’t Hansol just see him suffering like this? He’s putting himself out here completely and the other is still pulling away. If they keep this up any longer, Seungkwan’s just going to have to grab him and kiss him already. 

 

“If we’re speaking our real feelings here… then there’s something I think I should say.” Hansol confesses next, his eyes locked on his own two hands that are by themselves and resting in his lap. He’s nervous too for some reason and even Seungkwan can see that. Just like Seungkwan’s own habit, Hansol finds himself picking around with his nails in order to distract himself from what’s weighing on his mind. “You’ve changed, a lot Seungkwan.” 

 

These words weren’t anything he would have expected to come from Hansol. He was expecting something much less related to himself, and more like some kind of love confession instead. It didn’t mean the words weren’t exactly true but they were still rather jarring. Seungkwan had to blink his eyes a bit in questioning to get him to continue. 

 

“These days when I see you, you just seem so… different. This hair is so dark. The clothes you wear are so flashy. You’re much more loud and even sometimes wild when you’re with them. Surely, you smile a lot more than you used to but… you just seem so much different than the Seungkwan I met months ago.” As Hansol confesses these things, he reaches out and lightly smoothes his fingers into Seungkwan’s soft locks of hair, gently tucking them behind his ear as Seungkwan finds himself holding his breath. “You’ve become just like them. You’re just like Soonyoung, and Junhui, and even Jeonghan these days. Sometimes it makes me wonder. Do you really like being just like them? Or has it been easy finding a group like them to fit into?” 

 

In all honesty, Seungkwan is taken back even more at what Hansol says this time. He’s never really thought about it in that way before. Usually he doesn’t put too much thought into what he wears or what he does with the group because he just follows along with what the other guys do. Surely, he has a lot of fun being with them everyday but he never really considered whether he liked the image he was forcing himself into. Hansol’s words make him realize something. As his eyes trail downwards and glance upon the shirt he’s wearing, some brightly patterned designer thing that Junhui gifted, he decides that  _ no _ , it’s not really something he actually likes. He’s only wearing it because he wanted to show his hyung that he liked receiving the present. Hansol might actually have a point here. 

 

“But that doesn’t mean that I don’t like it either…” Hansol finds himself speaking up again, maybe only continuing on because Seungkwan had gotten a little too lost in his own thoughts. “If you like having things this way, then that’s fine and all. It just seemed more like a sudden change from where I was watching from afar. I think more than anything though, it made me start to think that we really had started drifting away from each other. Like maybe I was missing out on something important to you and I somehow started slipping away.” 

 

“I have changed. You’re absolutely right about that, Hansol. If I’ve started to realize it myself then certainly you should have been able to see it long ago.” Seungkwan admits with a soft chuckle under his breath, all starting to realize all of this right now as well. “I guess I came here with too many dreams and no where to start because I just jumped into the first opportunity that would accept me. And I gave my all to it too. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy and having fun with my new friends and my new job and, well, practically my whole new life here. I’m happy but… even I know that working nights at the restaurant and partying with all the guys isn’t something I want to be doing forever. I just have to wait for something more suited for me to come along next. And as for us drifting away from each other… that’s not something I want to continue doing.”

 

Hansol’s still quiet for a moment before a small smile starts to form on his features. When he glances over to catch Seungkwan’s eye, the older feels butterflies start to flutter in his stomach. “Wouldn’t it be nice if the song we’re writing could become popular overnight? You could sing for me and everyone all around the world could hear your voice. You could even sing all of my upcoming songs and keep me in business too. If reality could be this nice, then the two of us wouldn’t have to work these odd late night jobs. I think we would be pretty happy actually.” As Seungkwan nods along in agreement, maybe even a bit too eagerly at that, Hansol just laughs softly and shakes his head. “I’ll keep wishing then… but oh, how’s your current job at that restaurant going? You never really told me about it before.” 

 

Now there’s Seungkwan’s own reality dragging him away from the dreamlike happiness he usually feels when Hansol is around. Although was smiling so much just one second ago, a lump of guilt forms in his throat and threatens to rip that smile away. At least he can fake it. 

 

Seungkwan wants to be honest with Hansol about everything. In fact, he has been completely and utterly honest this whole time with him. But as for this one thing, this is something that he doesn’t dare to be honest about. He’ll evade his questions like usual and gently tiptoe over the full details of his situation. 

 

“Well, it’s a little crowded place downtown near the tourist districts… it’s a restaurant but mostly I work on the bar serving drinks. Um, actually it’s really busy and all I do is run around trying to deal with the rush of customers so it’s not that interesting actually. Actually, it stresses me out just to talk about it! I’d really rather not think about it at all either!” Seungkwan finds himself struggling to continue on with this awkward rambling and tries to make a joke about the situation instead, laughing to himself a little more than necessary to make it look natural. “Ha ha, aren’t I just so lucky to get a day off?” 

 

He’s going so much over the top that he’s actually thinking he would have been better off just pretending he didn’t hear anything in favor of suddenly kissing Hansol instead. That would have been a good way to keep him from asking about it. That is, for today at least. Hansol still ends up laughing along at his stupid joke for some reason so he tries not to keep him on the subject any longer than that. 

 

“Hey, Hansol… I’m kind of feeling hungry by the way.” Seungkwan finds himself suggesting next, picking this as the perfect outing to get them away from talking any longer. “Do you think your fridge has anything good or do I have to beg you to make me something again?”

 

“That depends on what you want to eat then.” Hansol responds back with the smallest hint of a grin on his lips. “Just let me know what you want and I’ll decide whether or not I can make it for you.” 

 

Seungkwan honestly didn't think that he would agree so easily. He actually has nothing in mind now that he’s forced to come up with an answer. “Uh… how about you surprise me?” 

 

“That means I have to work a little harder to impress you but, you got it.” Hansol stands up first and motions for Seungkwan to follow him with the quick tilt of his head. “You know, maybe this time you should cook with me. Then maybe you’d be able to fend better for yourself next time there’s a snowstorm in town.” 

 

As Seungkwan watches the corners of Hansol’s lips tip upwards almost like he’s picking on him, Seungkwan can’t help but to catch up with him and lean closer to see if he’s seeing things right. “Are you teasing me, Hansol Vernon Chwe? Was that supposed to be an attack on my character?” 

 

“Maybe it was.” Hansol replies back as he keeps on walking, only stopping once he reaches the kitchen and pulls something out of the cupboard and throws it into Seungkwan’s hands. “You’re going to learn how to cook today. Now put on the apron and follow my instructions.” 

 

Seungkwan can only stare between the cute patterned apron in his hands and back up at Hansol with his mouth open in shock. This punk had the nerve to subtly pick on his cooking but also order him to put on something as ridiculous as this. Seungkwan’s lucky that something unexpected happened next or else he probably would have tried to smack him with the apron instead. 

 

Along with one particularly heavy gust of wind, the lights in the apartment flicker momentarily before going out completely. Just like Seungkwan had predicted, their old building would lose power eventually. He’s just about to let out a sigh out of reflex but then he realizes that this might be for the best after all.

 

“Well, I guess we won’t be cooking anything now…” Seungkwan hears Hansol’s voice close to him in the darkness. “I would offer to microwave you something but that wouldn’t exactly work now either. Hold on, maybe I can find some candles to light this place up...” 

 

As the other goes to move past him, Seungkwan reaches out and lightly holds onto his arm. “Wait, Hansol. I have an idea. Why don’t we go on the rooftop and see if the power is out for the whole neighborhood or just our block?” 

 

He hears Hansol laugh softly in response. He can probably picture him shrugging at a time like this too. “If you want to go on the roof during a massive snowstorm then I’m down but… I really hope you know what you’re getting into. This isn’t like Jeju at all. The wind is so strong that you’re literally going to have to close your eyes to prevent millions of little snowflakes from blowing into your eyeballs. It feels so horrible that it actually  _ stings _ .” 

 

“Well, I never really got to play around in this much snow before so…” As Seungkwan trails off this much, that’s all it really takes for Hansol to give in and lead them to where he keeps the winter coats. Seungkwan left his at home so Hansol offers to let him borrow one of his for now. The oversized piece of clothing is soft and warm on the inside, not to mention the fact that it’s Hansol’s makes him feel kind of protected just by wearing it. As they climb up the stairs only illuminated from the lights of their phones, Seungkwan kind of likes the way Hansol’s jacket fits on him. It’s certainly a little too big for him but he likes the occasional whiff of Hansol’s familiar cologne that lingers on the collar. 

 

After Hansol skillfully cracks open the lock that’s supposed to keep them off the rooftop, a gust of wind instantly pushes past the open door. It’s bitter cold and Seungkwan can practically see the little sparklings of snowflakes scattered on the floor even in the dark. It takes some pushing of the door to open it enough for them to slip out since the snow is nearly up to knee level already. Seungkwan’s lucky to borrow a pair of Hansol’s boots because his sneakers wouldn’t be able to handle this. Even so, he lets Hansol lead the way across the rooftop as he follows along with each and every one of the footprints by stepping into them too. 

 

Hansol was right when he said they’d hardly be able to stand it. As the two of them finally make their way to the balcony, Seungkwan can barely peek out from under the hood of his jacket to get a closer look. He never expected that snowflakes could feel so hard against his skin like this but he blames it all on the wind for making them feel scratchy against his cheeks. 

 

“It seems like only a few neighborhoods lost power.” Hansol has to yell out somewhat in order to let Seungkwan hear him over the howling winds. “That means it should be back in about an hour or so.” 

 

Even though this weather isn’t something Seungkwan really enjoys, it’s still interesting to see their normal rooftop hangout in such a different atmosphere. Now that all of the lights on their block are out, he can see the lights of the heart of the city glowing somewhere off the distance. Seungkwan might not have ever seen the stars in New York City either but if he looks up into the black sky close enough, he can pretend that all of the swirling snowflakes above are his starry night sky. 

 

“It’s pretty here.” Seungkwan finds himself saying as he tries to catch some of the snow on his fingertips. “It’s like I can see everything so much more clearly when our little corner of the city doesn’t have any light.” 

 

Hansol is just leaning on the balcony railing alongside him, more content in watching him play around with the snowflakes rather than joining in himself. “You’re lucky that you like winter then. I think because I’ve been around this for so long, I find it hard to enjoy this type of thing anymore. All I can think of is the subway getting delayed and how dirty the snow will look on the road once everyone drives over it.” 

 

Seungkwan gives up on his temporary quest of collecting snow from the sky and turns to smile at Hansol instead. “But this is your first winter with me so maybe it will be different this time. We could go ice skating in the park, or have a snowball fight, or maybe we can even make snow angels right now! We can make them and just lay around and watch the way the snow drifts down from the sky and-” 

 

“Seungkwan, if you suggest sticking our tongues out and trying to taste the snow next I’m really not going to be able to hold back my laughter anymore.” Hansol says, already chuckling somewhat as he watches the somewhat shy expression on Seungkwan’s face signal that he was right by assuming that. “You’re so innocent sometimes. I like how you can get so hopeful about all of the little things. Maybe I could learn something from you if I could just fool around and let everything go for a few minutes. I think I’d be much more happier if I could live like that.” 

 

“So…. does that mean we’re doing this or what?” 

 

As hopefully excited as Seungkwan is, Hansol can’t help but to shrug to himself and laugh a bit more before wholeheartedly agreeing to his idea. That’s all it takes for Seungkwan to beam and take his hand, pulling him across the rooftop to the most fluffy looking patch of snow he can find. They go back and forth debating with each other, almost daring for one of them to be the first to lean back into the snow. Either way, Seungkwan doesn’t like Hansol’s apprehension and just decides to push the complainer down on his knees, and then even more until he’s full on sitting in the snow. It’s enough of a head start. 

 

Although Seungkwan had thought this would be a funny way to make their night more interesting, he regrets it as soon as he lays down and feels the freezing wetness of the snow melting into his jeans. The snow might have been as soft as he was hoping for but far too cold for his liking. Hansol probably feels the same because almost as soon as they make their imprints the both of them jump back up to their feet. Seungkwan’s plan was not as good as hoped for so he resorts to chasing Hansol around with a huge handful of snow over his head. 

 

By the time they’ve stopped fooling around, Seungkwan’s footprints can clearly be seen chasing Hansol all around the rooftop, with almost no area of snow untouched by their playfulness. Seungkwan manages to save some of the untouched surface to write his name in the snow with Hansol’s oversized boot, but it’s clear to say the two of them went a little too wild in this weather. Leaving his name there alongside Hansol’s own messily drawn name is the perfect sign to head back indoors. His hands are practically trembling from holding all that snow and his jeans are starting to re-freeze over. 

 

After racing down the stairs to return back to their shared floor, the next plan is to change back into warm clothes and meet back at Seungkwan’s place. It really wouldn’t matter whose apartment they decided to head to but because Hansol really doesn’t have any candles at all and Seungkwan practically has a whole shelf dedicated to them, it just makes more sense to go there instead. They momentarily split up to change and Seungkwan’s left to mildly freak out.

 

The most reasonable thing he could do at a time like this is call his best friend.

 

“Lee Chan, I’m freaking out here. I’m just standing in front of my closet and staring at it because Hansol’s coming over and the power is all out and I’m the only one who has candles. I need you to tell me what to wear, what scent of candle to pick, and what to do when he gets here because I’m literally braindead at all of the possibilities that could happen tonight.” 

 

Chan had probably started cackling once he heard the first part of Seungkwan’s dialogue but Seungkwan only realizes after he gets it all out. “Hey, this isn’t funny at all!” 

 

_ “Well he’s going to your place late at night so it honestly doesn’t matter what you wear. You might end up taking it off later anyways. And as for candles, just pick something natural. Don’t pick anything like strawberry margarita or like banana cream pie because that would be all too distracting and you want him to focus on you instead, right?”  _

 

“I hate you but I’m not going to go into full detail of this because I’m mid crisis.” Seungkwan grumbles as he just grabs his softest and warmest sweatpants and a sweater Hansol’s complimented him on in the past. Half relaxed and half put together seems like the mood for the rest of the night. “But anyways, what the hell should I even do once he gets here? Pull up a movie on my laptop? Ask him to play a board game with me? A puzzle? I have no idea in the slightest!” 

 

_ “No, Seungkwan. No.” _ He can hear Chan almost holding himself back from making any teasing remark this time. “ _ Here’s what you’re going to do… light the candles, make a nice calm and relaxing atmosphere, maybe put on a little quiet music, offer him some wine and make small talk until someone goes in for the kiss.”  _

 

“Can I really just…. do that? I mean, is it even that easy?” Seungkwan asks back as he struggles to pull on his change of clothes while still keeping his phone to his ear. “Wait, what if he doesn’t even drink?” 

 

_ “You just told me that you don’t have time for this but you’re the one with off the most questions…” _ Chan trails off this time, and Seungkwan can practically see him clicking his tongue in frustration behind the phone.  _ “It’s been long enough, Boo. You like him so just do something about it already. Just go for what feels right for the both of you.”  _

 

“I guess so, Chan.... I’ll just see what happens and go along with it but if I try something on him and I get rejected, you’re going to have to come here and pick up all of my pieces!” Seungkwan insists back now, almost to the point of yelling into the phone to convince Chan of how serious he is about this. “That’s a deal, alright?” 

 

_ “Alright, alright, but next time you can just say it’s because you miss me instead. You don’t always have to make up all these scenarios.”  _

 

Now it’s Seungkwan’s turn to click his tongue and end the call without replying anything more. 

 

In a way, maybe Chan is somewhat right. It has been awhile since he’s started developing these feelings for Hansol. There’s some excitement in the phases of getting to know each other more and secretly looking forward to the chances where they’d accidentally run into each other or plan out those weekend dates that Seungkwan treasured so much. Seungkwan was honestly happy to rely in the safety of keeping Hansol close like this because every moment they spent together was genuinely fun for him. It’s been a whole six months in keeping up with this almost back and forth game of letting affections slip out for each other. Seungkwan enjoyed everything about their friendship that sometimes had a little bit of something more lingering under the surface. But although he loves the times they shared together, it’s starting to feel a bit suffocating keeping things in the terms of  _ ‘just friends. _ ’ It’s like his heart wants to scream out and convey everything already but he’s still holding himself back. 

 

Actually, he’s already been feeling this way for awhile now. It might just be time to end it already. 

 

As Seungkwan finishes changing and picks his favorite scented candles out from his closet, he’s a bit surprised to see Hansol already sitting on his sofa and waiting for him. Maybe his conversation with Chan had gone on for a little longer than he realizes after all. Either way, when he sets down the candles around the room and starts lighting them, he can’t help but to feel Hansol’s eyes following him as he makes his way around. He pretends he doesn’t notice for now and focuses only on lighting all of them but as the room grows more illuminated with dim yellow light, it’s hard not to want to sneak a peek at Hansol too. 

 

So he eventually does. Only after he tries to stop his hands from shaking and his heart from beating out of his chest from the nerves though. Hansol’s dressed in his usual casual outfit of his own sweatpants and oversized sweatshirts, but the flakes of snow from earlier have settled into his now slightly wet hair and caused his light brown locks to turn much wavier than before. He just looks so soft and approachable like this, all illuminated by the candlelight and watching Seungkwan so attentively like this. Seungkwan can’t even bother to hold back the sweet smile lingering on his lips just from watching him in secret too. 

 

“Hansol, would you like anything to drink?” Seungkwan suggests as he flicks off his lighter and sets it aside for now. 

 

“No, I’m fine for now actually.” Hansol starts to reply back to him before another thought crosses his mind. “Um, by any chance do you have a spare blanket I could use though? I’m still kind of cold right now.” 

 

Of course Seungkwan does. He temporarily leaves Hansol waiting in the living room again as he hurries off into his own room to find his favorite blanket before returning back with it. Maybe he should have got two for each of them, but he settles on just one in hopes that Hansol will want to share with him. As he makes his way back to Hansol he only realize now that the other is still shivering slightly. Maybe he’s sensitive to the cold after all. Seungkwan would have probably expected it to be himself instead. Either way, as soon as he approaches Hansol he leans down and carefully wraps the blanket around his shoulders in order to keep him warm. He just looks so small like this. With his flushed cheeks, slightly damp hair, and reddening ears. Seungkwan feels like he wants to keep him only to himself. 

 

So he sits down on the sofa alongside him. It’s just the two of them sitting there next to each other, nothing more and nothing less. It’s the simplest thing but for some reason, Seungkwan is still so happy to be able to be with Hansol like this. He’s a little closer for what would be considered normal for the two of them, so he makes the best of the moment by letting his head fall onto Hansol’s shoulder to rest there. It’s another small step but at least it’s something.

“Your ears are still really cold.” Seungkwan comments amusedly as he can feel it from where he’s resting his head. As Hansol moves to shift the blanket around his own shoulders as well, Seungkwan finds himself only scooting closer into Hansol’s side. “I thought it just looked red but you’re still really cold, huh?”

 

One of Hansol’s hands goes up to touch his ear in response, laughing a little when he realizes Seungkwan is right. “I didn’t even notice because everything seems so cold right now.” 

 

“But I’m here with you now.” Seungkwan finds himself stating, a little more bold than usual due to the late night feelings and almost love drunk affections for Hansol getting the best of him. As he says this he takes a glance into Hansol’s light eyes that were already on him, letting himself smile up at him without holding back anything any longer. “Because I’m with you now, you can hold me as much as you want to keep warm.” 

 

Hansol doesn’t say much but the hint of a matching smile on his features gives Seungkwan all the support that he ever could have needed. Then before he can even bother to think of anything else, Hansol’s pulling him close against his chest and taking him up on that offer. And Seungkwan is so happy. Their position might be kind of awkward because there were sitting side to side so all Hansol could really do is wrap his arms around Seungkwan’s shoulders and pull him closer to his own body. Seungkwan makes up for that awkwardness though; by twisting in his hold and wrapping his arms around Hansol’s neck and almost kind of sitting on him. The two of them share some shy laughter while Seungkwan settles there and Hansol’s arms fall down to his waist to steady him. 

Seungkwan’s held back long enough. Now that he’s so close to Hansol he just can’t get enough of him. He just wants to admire him so much. He finds one of his hands lightly pressing over Hansol’s reddened ears curiously, then moving to cup one of his cheeks. 

 

“Your ears are still cold. And your cheeks.” He admits softly under his breath, letting out a small laugh at how blunt he’s being right now. “What should we do to get you warm again?” 

 

“I think….” Hansol starts off slowly as he tears his eyes away for a moment, almost as if he’s lost in his thoughts right now. It takes him a bit longer than usual to come up with the rest of his answer, but when Seungkwan feels Hansol’s fingers lightly tapping against the small of his back he doesn’t worry about a thing. “I think everything about right now is perfect for me…” 

 

And in all honesty, everything about right now is perfect for Seungkwan too. 

 

He finds himself leaning in to let his lips press against one of Hansol’s reddened ears, the action slow and careful as he takes this step for the two of them. As he steadies himself by letting his hands rest on Hansol’s shoulders, he can still feel himself shaking slightly despite knowing he wants this so badly. His lips gently move to brush against one of Hansol’s cheeks next, placing a light kiss there before slowly gathering more courage. He gets a little too lost in the moment and accidentally finds himself placing three or four more kisses there because he just can’t stop himself now that he’s started. It’s kind of funny in a way so he finds himself laughing somewhat. 

 

Hansol picks up on the fact that he’s laughing about something, so he pokes at his hip to get his attention. “Hm, what are you thinking of?” 

 

As Seungkwan looks back into his eyes again, he can’t help but to smile and wrap his arms more securely around Hansol’s neck. He doesn’t even really need to say anything else. He’s just happy. He’s so happy with Hansol. And even though initiating this contact is a little embarrassing and it makes him feel awkward, he wouldn’t give away the happiness that comes along with this feeling for anything else. 

 

Seungkwan leans in again to place a sweet, yet somewhat more lingering kiss to his cheek this time before asking the question that’s truly on his mind. “Hansol, can I kiss you?” 

 

Hansol smiles a little bit at this, maybe finding it funny that he would even bother to ask at this point. “Mhm.” He breathes out slowly, somewhat angling his face more closely to Seungkwan’s own as he takes a look up at him that make Seungkwan’s heart kind of swell. “But because you made me go outside my lips might be dry…” 

 

Seungkwan really stops to roll his eyes at this. Of course Hansol would try to ruin the tension of the moment by saving something stupid. Even though he wouldn’t tell Hansol himself though, he kinda likes the playfulness they share in this moment though. Maybe the fact that they’re still acting like their usual selves is the thing that makes him feel comfortable the most. 

 

“Hansol Vernon Chwe, do you think I would even care about that right now?” 

 

“No but… I thought it would be nice to warn you.” 

 

Seungkwan can only stare at Hansol for a moment, just seeing him smiling all smugly and cheesily like this, and the fact that he still likes him so much and he’s still attracted to him so much makes absolutely no sense. But either way, he doesn’t want to keep talking about all of this nonsense. He’s got so many other things he would rather do instead. So now he finally acts on his feelings and does them. 

 

He brings his lips to Hansol’s own and kisses him so softly, but just like he’s wanted to do for so long already. He shouldn’t have even questioned it. He shouldn’t have even waited so long. Because it takes Hansol only a few seconds to let those arms warm securely around Seungkwan’s waist and reciprocate his kiss right back. They share a mix of soft, tender, and lingering kisses for what feels like hours, to the point where all Seungkwan can think of is how perfect it feels to be clutching Hansol’s cheek in his hand and continuously pulling him closer like this. 

 

When they eventually stop to take some breaths, Seungkwan lets his head rest against Hansol’s shoulder again, this time with Hansol’s hand lightly carding through his hair and petting it in the most soothing of ways. Seungkwan lets out a sigh. This time, it’s one of nothing but pure relaxation. Things haven’t felt this perfect in a long time. 

 

“Hansol…” Seungkwan drawls out this time, lightly tracing an invisible pattern on the back of one of Hansol’s hands. “Does this mean you like me too?” 

 

He can feel the other holding back a chuckle as he’s still resting against Hansol’s chest. “Do you even have to ask that question?” 

 

“No….” Seungkwan trailed off a bit more, this time somewhat plumping his bottom lip out. “But I think I would like to hear it anyways...” 

 

“I do like you.” Hansol confesses quietly into one of his ears as he suddenly wraps his arms around him more tightly as he pulls him closer. “Boo Seungkwan, I like you so much.” 

 

Seungkwan decides that he already likes exploiting Hansol’s affection for him already. He’ll have to take note that a pout will indeed work on him. Either way, it’s safe to say that he’s all abliss as he leans back into Hansol’s hold and just stays there for awhile. In fact, maybe he doesn’t even want Hansol to leave tonight, even if the power and the heat do kick back on. 

 

“Then stay with me tonight.” Seungkwan requests as he leans his head back onto Hansol’s shoulder and tries to lazily catch his lips upon his own in the process. “Now that I know your feelings, I don’t want you to sleep on the other side of that wall tonight. I’ll probably go crazy just knowing you’re right there.” 

 

And all that Hansol has to do to reassure him that he’ll stay is catch hold of Seungkwan’s lips in another kiss. 

 


	13. taking care of you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for being so late on this !   
> i'm actually graduating soon and there's so many things i've been doing in preparation of that, whether it be school events, spending time with friends every night, and preparing for exams. i spend literally 7:00AM to 8:00PM in my school because i worry that i'm gonna miss everyone so much once i actually leave (im gonna be so sad to graduate for real) 
> 
> i haven't really had time to check even my twitter timeline.... i really miss u guys so much too ! im gonna try to check in much more often whenever i can. but in the time being, i love each and every one of my friends and i hope to see you soon.

A usual morning for Seungkwan is sleeping in late, like really late, to the point where the sun shining through his blinds is all too blinding and it actually forces him to wake up. His new lifestyle has caused him to feel more comfortable with sleeping the majority of his day away in favor of staying up all night. He would normally toss and turn a little as the first few rays of sunlight cracked into the room but comfortably falling back to sleep with the soft sounds of Hansol getting ready on the other side of the wall. During those times Hansol wasn’t even aware that he was listening but there was something that just felt reassuring knowing he was close by if he needed him.

As for this morning, things are a little bit different this time around. He’s tossing and turning in completely different ways.

He wasn’t sure when it started but after a long night spent sneaking kisses back and forth, a lot of talking, and definitely not much of actual sleeping, Seungkwan just couldn’t seem to keep his hands to himself. First he decided that he likes playing around with Hansol’s hair as they talk, then hands kept traveling more, down to Hansol’s toned biceps and up to his shoulders, resting against his chest, to slowly moving under his shirt and caressing down his back. It was like the first time he had gathered the courage to touch Hansol he couldn’t stop himself from wanting more. And Hansol had wanted a bit more of him too. As they touched lips again they vowed to let each other fully explore their wants until the light of morning came once again.

Just about the time that sunshine starts to streak through the window and illuminate the ceiling, Seungkwan's got his head thrown back against his pillows with his eyes nearly rolling back. He just feels so good with Hansol’s lips wrapped around him like this. With one hand gripping for locks Hansol’s of hair tightly within his grasp and the other hand barely registering it’s hold for Hansol’s arm or his shoulder or basically any part of him he can grasp, Seungkwan is in complete ecstasy right now. Not only has it been a long time for him, but with all of the work he put into getting used to Hansol’s size just moments earlier, it’s safe to say that he’s thoroughly exhausted and almost about to pass his limit.

He can already feel his eyelids starting to shut and his hips stutter as Hansol’s soft fingers trace over the imprints of his hip bones, so gently but so quickly turning harsher as he pulls him more hungrily into his mouth. Feeling completely and utterly embraced by Hansol’s warm and wet mouth now, Seungkwan can’t even manage to warn him before his back arches into the blankets and his legs start shaking uncontrollably. By the time he’s shooting his entire load into Hansol’s mouth his vision goes spotty before blacking out completely for a second or two. The sensations that Hansol helped bring out of him hit hard. Even as his vision returns back to normal and the rays of sun splashing over his blank ceiling are visible again, Seungkwan can still feel subtle tremblings down his spine and legs.

As he takes a moment to catch his breath, he briefly hears Hansol spit the mouthful of seed into a nearby trash bin before he returns to back his side. Seungkwan groans a little bit as Hansol lazily and rather clumsily drapes himself over him, this time only fully making him realize how sore he really is going to be in a few hours. Either way, it’s hard to be too angry about that right now because once Hansol notices why he tenses up, he moves only his head to gently rest on his shoulder instead. And this time, he even stops to place a little apology kiss on his bare shoulder while he’s at it. Now Seungkwan can’t even bother to put up his tiny bothered front any longer because there’s nothing that could possibly stop the stupidly affectionate grin that forms on his face afterwards. He just likes Hansol so so much. Their first night together was everything and more than he’d ever hoped it would be.

As Seungkwan can’t really hold back his fondness anymore now that he’s let most of it out, he tips Hansol’s chin upwards and tries to kiss him, even though Hansol is rather reluctant this time.

“Why won’t you let me kiss you?” Seungkwan asks out with a small pout, almost rather offended that Hansol just turned his head away from him. “I just let you sleep with me and now I can’t even get a kiss?”

Hansol’s nose crinkles up a little as he shakes his head back and forth. “I don’t think you’d want to now…”

“I’m always going to want to kiss you.” Seungkwan insists again, this time taking a firmer grip to Hansol’s chin as he pulls him closer again and just gently lets his lips settle on his own for a moment, nothing more and nothing less than that. “Thanks for being considerate but if I want to kiss you I’m just going to do it from now on.”

Their lips touch briefly for a second or two more and Seungkwan can practically feel Hansol’s lips curving into a smile against his own. It might just be the best feeling in the whole entire world. Something in his heart just feels like it’s going to burst so he grabs both of Hansol’s cheeks between his hands and starts peppering little kisses all over his face, just so hopefully he can somehow feel some of this secondhand happiness. He’s lucky that instead of resisting the attack, Hansol just kind of scrunches up his face in the cutest way and tries to stifle a laugh.

The atmosphere is so light and easygoing between the two of them, to the point where Seungkwan just wants Hansol’s head on his shoulder like this for the rest of the day. Because neither of them really slept last night they could actually take a really long nap and stay wrapped in each other’s arms and all of Seungkwan’s blankets all day. He doesn’t even have class today and hopefully Hansol’s work is still cancelled due to the bad storm last night. That’s only hopefully though. He doesn’t even want to break the mood by asking Hansol what he has to do today.

He doesn’t even have to physically reach out to touch Hansol to get his heartbeat racing. All they’re really doing is sharing one of the pillows and staring at each other up close. He’s always liked Hansol’s looks but now that he’s earned the luxury of actually looking at him so closely it’s hard to take his eyes away. He’s just so handsome and Seungkwan wants all of him so much. He’s praying that even when Hansol eventually does leave, he’ll end up leaving this sense of warmth along with his signature scent to linger within this small room.

Seungkwan just kind of stares at him for a moment with a smile growing on his lips, only because Hansol finally realizes and stares back before he finds himself cracking into a smile too. Seungkwan’s forehead is practically close enough to just be touching his so he just gives in and lets his head rest against Hansol’s own. That’s not before Hansol responds with a hearty chuckle, sending little breaths of warm air tickling over Seungkwan’s face. The feeling makes him shiver for some reason and he finds himself pressing himself more securely into the other’s arms for warmth.

“Are you cold?” Hansol questions out curiously, seeming to notice the way Seungkwan visibly shuddered for a moment. He tugs the blankets over the elder’s bare shoulder more carefully even though Seungkwan shakes his head from side to side.

“Not exactly…” Seungkwan admits as he lets his eyelids shut, trying to focus only on the feeling of Hansol’s arms around him as he gathers the courage to speak out some of the thoughts that were weighing on his mind for awhile now. “I’ve just wanted you for so long, Hansol. Now that you’ve given me this much I don’t think I’ll be able to look at you as just a friend anymore. You’re not even mine but I already want to keep you all to myself.”

Seungkwan keeps his eyes shut because it’s not something easy to admit, but maybe also because he’s a little scared to see Hansol’s reaction. Would saying something like this be too soon and scare him away? Was this all just a one time hookup for them? Did Hansol only see him as some kind of friend with benefits? There were a lot of questions spinning in Seungkwan’s head. He could lie around in bed all day and convince himself of a million fantasies but they wouldn’t get anywhere until one of them decided to talk about it first.

Hansol hesitates for a while to give Seungkwan an answer, well, verbally that is. He can only register the feeling of Hansol’s forehead slipping away from his own before the new sensation of lips being pressed tenderly against the side of his neck becomes evident instead. It starts with one long lingering kiss to the crook his neck, then two or three more trailing upwards before Hansol lets some words slip out. “If you want me then you can have me… because it’s been a long time since I’ve thought of you as only a friend too.”

Something in Seungkwan’s heart kind of stops beating when he finally hears the words from Hansol’s lips himself. It’s the most relieving thing he could have ever wished for. Months of endlessly long days secretly dreaming this would ever happen have finally come true for Seungkwan. It’s a strange feeling. He’s wanted it for so long but now that he has it, it’s almost like it’s hard to believe. And for some reason he kind of feels like crying too. This is all just evidence that he’s grown too attached to Hansol. He’s just too important to him now.

Seungkwan can’t really say much either because he’s really trying not to get too emotional in this moment. He just tries to lul his heartbeat back into a normal rhythm as Hansol’s soft kisses continue up the expanse of his neck and do everything to calm him down and reassure him any further. But as Hansol’s trail of affection starts to travel down his jawline next, Seungkwan can’t help but to steal his lips away with a kiss instead.

It’s short and a little quicker than the other one’s they’ve shared today but that’s only because Seungkwan has something he wants to say to him instead.

“Then from now on can we go on dates every Saturday like we always used to do? Can we try to eat dinner together if we’re both not busy? Can I hold your hand on the street and hug you and kiss you as much as I want to from now on? If all of your answers are yes... then I want to be yours too, Hansol Vernon Chwe.”

Hansol smiles, as kind and gentle as ever and Seungkwan feels himself falling for him harder than ever before.

“Those questions have always been a yes for me.”

Now Seungkwan won’t hold himself back anymore. Because him and Hansol have been on the same page all along.

 

. . . . .

  
Seungkwan’s questions might have seemed nothing more than hypothetical at the time, but for the next few weeks they seem like promises from Hansol’s side of things. The winter season is always busy each year, with countless holiday events meaning more responsibilities coming along with work. While Hansol finds himself stuck at the restaurant for long hours trying to perfect the new special Christmas menu and dealing with all of the last minute reservation calls, Seungkwan works on studying for the end of semester final exams as well as secretly practicing for all of the special events back at the bar. Despite being busier than ever though, it finally seems like Seungkwan’s wish of seeing Hansol in person instead of just hearing him from the other side of the wall has finally come true.

They’re surely both busier than ever but that doesn’t mean that making a little extra time in the day to see Hansol is like a chore. In fact, it might be the one thing that keeps him motivated to keep going more than ever. Whether Hansol has time to cook him a nice home cooked dinner or Seungkwan’s the one to rush home with takeout, their nightly dinners together are always promised. If for some reason Hansol is forced to stay late at work and Seungkwan is left home to wait for him, then they make up for it with breakfast the next morning instead.

Going on dates is a little bit difficult in this season but Seungkwan is perfectly fine with their time relaxing together at home. They spend a lot of time back on Seungkwan’s couch watching some movies, or in Hansol’s room working on music, and sometimes even an occasional shared warm bath together, or even a humorous culinary lesson taught by Hansol. It doesn't even matter what they end up doing as long as Hansol is there. That’s all Seungkwan really needs to make him happy. Even when they don’t even have time to do anything but sleep in each other’s beds after long shifts of work Seungkwan is so happy. He’s so unbelievably happy.

One one of these particular nights, when Hansol’s exhausted and overworked and literally finds himself collapsing onto his bed as soon as he returns home, Seungkwan lets him lull off into sleep while patting his hair gently. Hansol really needs a break after the month of December is over. He really should look into a new job in general. Seungkwan might not even know where exactly he works but he can’t help but to think that he’d be better off at a job where they didn’t have to keep him working overtime so late. Or maybe he wouldn’t even have to work so many hours if they decided to live together and split the price of rent instead. Maybe after a month or so of sleeping in each other’s beds every night he’ll decide to bring it up.

Seungkwan does have a nice amount of extra spending money in his bank account now that he’s become more of a regular cast member at the bar. The generous tips he earns there really do add up substantially over time. He doesn’t have to worry about making his rent or paying for food anymore so the leftover money reserved for fun things is really looking pretty tempting right now. Because Hansol deserves so much more than he ever buys for himself, Seungkwan’s really planning to spoil him this Christmas.

He’s already been doing a little extra for him these past few days because his exams are finally over. On nights like this when Hansol can only manage to kick off his shoes before falling asleep, sometimes Seungkwan will stay up and get a headstart on making him a packed lunch for tomorrow. Sometimes he’ll ease the other out of his work clothes and replace them with more comfortable pajamas instead, as well as making sure the old set gets put in the washing machine so they’re ready for the next morning. He might have to head off to work sometimes but he’ll always make sure to return home just in time to bring Hansol his favorite order of coffee to go.

They’re just little things that Seungkwan has decided to start doing. Not because he feels obligated to but more like he just wants to in order to make things a little bit more easy for his best friend. Perhaps they’re the only things he really can do to show Hansol his affection while the other is sleeping. It’s kind of funny in a way though. It’s reminding himself of all the little things his own mother used to do for him around the house. Like organizing his room here and there or making sure all his supplies were laid out for him in the morning. She always took such meticulous care of him that maybe he’s become this way under her influence.

But speaking of family, maybe Seungkwan feels so compelled to do these little things for Hansol because the other doesn’t really have much of a family of his own. They don’t bring up the subject a lot but whenever Seungkwan gets a little too excited talking about his own family he can’t help but to realize that Hansol turns more quiet than usual. He already kind of assumed things were on completely different terms with their families ever since they first met.

There are moments though, when Hansol will recall something about his beloved younger sister or remark about his parent’s work as artists. He had mentioned that they lived far away, with Hansol’s own father even residing in Korea. After living in New York City all alone for so many years, he can’t help but to wonder if Hansol is more lonely than he lets on. Maybe it would do some good for him to spend some time back together with them, if even for just a week or so during the holidays.

Seungkwan decides that this could possibly be the most meaningful present for Hansol this Christmas season. A perfect idea in his grand scheme of finding at least little piece of relaxation for him. Without really thinking about it much more, Seungkwan takes out his phone and books a single flight ticket to the airport most close to Hansol’s small town. He only purchases a one-way ticket for now, but he’ll buy the ticket back home whenever Hansol eventually has to come back to work too.

Once it’s done and all of the details are set, Seungkwan smiles softly to himself. He can’t help but to want to surprise Hansol already, but he’ll try not to tell him until it gets closer to the actual Christmas day. Maybe it will feel more rewarding to see Hansol’s excitement if he waits anyways.

As for now though, Seungkwan lets his hand gently move through Hansol’s soft hair again, carefully swooping the fringe away from his face to admire him a little more closely. Hansol doesn’t seem to stir a bit in his sleep, in which Seungkwan responds to by leaning down and placing his lips against his forehead to leave a soft kiss there. He’ll definitely wait a little longer before revealing this secret. And with that, Seungkwan decides to leave Hansol sleeping soundly while he heads to the living room in order to practice some of his routines for his own busy week ahead.

  
. . . . .

From what he’s heard from the guys and observed from Jihoon’s rather erratic planning around work, the Hell Hole literally becomes hell all the way up until New Years. Not only do the town’s locals have holiday time off from work but there’s even more tourists in town than usual, which makes Seungkwan’s job a lot more hectic than it usually is. Not only do the idols have to prepare a number of special performance stages but working the bar has also become quite a laborious task. Perhaps all of New York City has felt the stress from the year ending because Seungkwan swears, people are getting more wilder and unwinding much more than usual in the bar. In this week alone, he’s had to countlessly call over that security guard Seungcheol to kick people out.

Seungcheol has to stick closer to the bar than usual when they’re serving drinks these days, in which Seungkwan gets a chance to get to know him a little better in the process. He rarely gets any time to make any casual conversation but when Seungcheol checks in with him on the status of the patrons, they exchange a few remarks here and there. Seungcheol never really says much but he always makes sure that Seungkwan is comfortable, which is greatly appreciated from Seungkwan since this is all still kind of new to him. He’s not so good at pushing people away even after they make him uncomfortable with an inappropriate mark or two. Luckily Seungcheol now knows how to read into his expressions and make his way over at the slightest hint of distress.

Seungkwan’s unfortunately in a little bit of a mood tonight. Not only has serving drinks gotten more stressful but performing has turned out to be hell too. They had spent so many hours rushing in some new song and dance numbers for this week, literally worked their asses off, and then they had to cut the performance halfway because someone in the crowd tried to grab Jeonghan by the leg and drag him into the pit. He fought back of course, and almost certainly gave that person enough of a fight to stop, but then Junhui happened to notice this happening and decide to get involved himself. Now not only did Jeonghan get pulled out of the performance, but Junhui was determined to tackle that person down to the ground and give them a proper beatdown until Seungcheol could make his way over.

It was probably a miracle that Seungcheol made it over in time because Junhui happened to snap in that moment. He might have been rightfully so to do that, and even Soonyoung himself managed to get a few solid kicks in, but Seungkwan swears he’s never seen Junhui even a fraction of that much angry before. Let alone, he’s never really seen anything truly bother Junhui. He’s sure things would have been a lot worse if Seungcheol wasn’t already keeping such a close eye out.

Seungkwan’s not much of a fighter physically because he prefers to keep his attacks verbal, but he almost couldn’t fight his own urges to jump down there and shred ass as well. Nobody touches their Jeonghan without permission. But as the situation occurred, his more motherly instincts kicked in and he went for trying to pull Jeonghan away from the crowd and safely backstage instead. There was a lot of pushing and shoving and a whole lot of force involved, but they eventually got past the wild hoard of people and back into the secured employees only area.

Seungkwan can’t even waste time catching his breath because he’s kinda freaking out. Not only has he never really been in a fight before or seen one this big but the rush adrenaline of having one of his best friends involved is coursing through him. Jeonghan might be perfectly fine and really just sitting on the couch in front of him but he’s still ready to rush out there and fight anyone who even gives Jeonghan the slightest bit of an attitude. He’s probably even more worked up about it than Jeonghan himself, who’s clearly pissed that it ruined their performance but still rather unfazed.

“Are you okay? Like are you really okay or not?” Seungkwan finds himself rambling out as he walks back and forth across the room, his pulse still racing a mile a minute. “Because I’m pretty sure I saw the crowd physically trying to drag you in and I don’t even want to know what really happened down there. All I saw was a bunch of arms and legs flying around and then Junhui jumped in and well…. things got kind of blurry from there.”

Jeonghan just laughs lowly under his breath and shakes his head. “I’m fine. I’m really perfectly fine. I can’t say the same for that fucker who thought he could even try to have his way with me back there though. I mean, I already retaliated quite a bit but Junhui is really going to fuck him up this time. It’s been awhile since we’ve had a fight here. Involving one of us, I mean.”

Jeonghan was right about that. Seungkwan had been here for a few months and usually never even noticed any major fighting occur. Of course they worked in a bar though, so sometimes he caught the glimpse of Seungcheol and the other security guards throwing people out but never anything like this. Not only had it been a pretty large scale fight but one his own friends had been involved in. That only made it more real that he himself could be involved next time.

Before Seungkwan can really manage to say anything more, the door comes smashing open rather loudly with an beaten and bloodied Junhui bursting in, followed by a limp Soonyoung leaning against Jihoon for support. If Jeonghan hadn’t been phased at all before, now he’s certainly upset by the way worry flashes over his expression almost immediately as they come in. He’s up from his spot on the couch instantly and rushing to Junhui’s side.

“Who the fuck did this to you?” Jeonghan asks out through gritted teeth as he approaches Junhui to inspect his injured face, blood from a split lip and hit to the nose streaming down his face in angry red tracks. “Tell me which one of them did it and they’re dead by my hands alone.”

Seungkwan rushes to grab some nearby tissues but as he turns back to pass them over to Jeonghan, he’s a bit surprised to see Junhui smiling smugly and laughing under his breath. “Han, no one hurt me. It’s my fault that I got hurt in the first place. I just jumped down into the pit and started swinging everywhere and headbutt a few people as well. I think I might have had a little too much adrenaline rushing through my system though because now I’m starting to feel how hard that headbutt was…”

“Nobody asked you to go and start smashing your head around like that though.” Jeonghan clicks his tongue rather stubbornly but he takes the tissue and gently starts blotting around at Junhui’s injuries. “What’s the point in headbutting someone when you’re only going to damage the handsome face that you get paid for?”

“Revenge.” Junhui responds back with an amused chuckle as he shuts his eyes and just lets Jeonghan take care of him. “Besides, even though I don’t fight anymore I would fight anytime for you.”

A rather stressed out Jihoon, whose face is bright red from what Seungkwan suspects to be a mix of frustration and anger from what his workers got up to tonight, carefully maneuvers Soonyoung down to sit on the couch before approaching Junhui. “Well next time you want to take out your revenge, I really would prefer if you kept your face out of it. I already paid for Jeonghan’s pre-debut nose job and I didn’t plan on having to take care of any more plastic surgery expenses any time soon.”

“But if my nose got broken in your bar, I think that would be your responsibility to pay for it.” Junhui replies back rather jokingly, to which Jihoon amusedly lowers his eyes at him even more. “....Anyways, my nose isn’t even broken right now. I’ve broken it before and it definitely felt worse than this.”

“I might have a broken ankle!” Soonyoung announces proudly from his spot on the couch, possibly only speaking up now that everyone is coddling over Junhui and not him instead. “When I jumped down in order to get into the action I kind of landed wrong and I heard something crack so….”

Seungkwan’s eyes now divert themselves over to where Soonyoung has his ankle propped up, and holy shit- it’s almost the size of an apple at this point and turning a horrid purplish black color. Seungkwan’s not one for looking at anything medically wrong and if Junhui’s bleeding face wasn’t enough, Soonyoung’s ankle is just enough to make his stomach feel kind of queasy. He himself has to take a seat down on a separate chair far away from the other two just to prevent himself from feeling faint. Although Soonyoung thinks it’s all rather funny and currently laughing about the situation he’d still rather not see anyone in pain.

“I swear, I don’t know how I haven’t retired yet…” Jihoon wipes the beads of stress sweat forming on his forehead away. “You guys are literally going to be the death of me someday and I hope you remember that. Soonyoung, grab some ice and get ready to go. We’re going to the hospital now.”

Soonyoung’s ears perk up as he hears this. “And you’re paying me to go to the ER? On work time?”

“Of course, but we still have to make it quick. Seungcheol is out filing the police report with a few of the other bouncers since so many people were involved. We’ve only got the part-timers out there serving drinks. With you, Junhui, and Jeonghan all out of commission for the rest of tonight, Seungkwan’s the only one left to perform next hour.” Jihoon mentions, glancing over at the male in question rather defeatedly. “If you think you can perform alone then go for it. But if you’re not comfortable with that then we’ll just serve drinks without any more performances tonight. It’s all up to whatever you want to do.”

Before Seungkwan can even think about what he wants to do, Jeonghan speaks up with a frown. “Wait, I’m not allowed to perform for the rest of tonight?”

“Certainly not.” Jihoon scoffs like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “You were the main person involved so the police will definitely be back here for a report once they’re done with the perpetrators. Just stay here and make sure Junhui isn’t concussed for me. If I need to make two hospital trips tonight I would prefer to know sooner than later.”

Jeonghan is a bit sulky about it but he nods in response, not exactly willing to fight it any longer because tonight has been a lot for all of them to handle.

Seungkwan was barely involved and now he’s starting to feel the mental pressure as well. With all of the other guys unable to perform, he’s really the last option that the bar has for tonight. Certainly the customers would understand that one of them was involved in a fight and unwilling to come out for the remainder of the night. In regards to safely it would make more sense for all of them to call off all the rest of the performances for tonight as some sort of statement that touching the idols is never okay. But at the same time, Seungkwan can’t help but to feel guilty at the thought of sitting back here for the rest of the night.

Seungkwan might be the newest addition to the bar, but he’s already gathered a bit of a following of his own little fans here. Of course he can’t compare to other famous people in the real show business, or even to the level of recognition that even his friends have here, but that doesn’t mean that people don’t look forward to seeing him here. He might not be able to be recognized on the street like some of the other guys, yet that doesn’t make him any less happy about the interactions that he has in the bar.

Sometimes people come to his side of the bar deliberately just to get the chance to talk to him, often times telling him they like his performances and always look forward to them every week. He’s got a few regular fans that always check in with him and share little details about their life to him, almost like he’s become an important part of their life as well. It’s his job as an idol to make sure the customer gets to feel that personal connection but to Seungkwan, he really finds meaning in it. He likes hearing when people’s bad days turn into completely happier days throughout the course of just a few weeks times, about the different stories he hears from everyone in their different walks of life, and all of the unexpectedness that comes along with it. He genuinely cares about each and every person who takes the time to come and see him and he often remembers their faces, although remember names has started to become a little difficult as the numbers have been increasing as of lately.

He might only have a small amount of regular customers who mainly come for him out there, but that doesn’t mean they’re less important in Seungkwan’s eyes. He feels like he owes them for continuously coming and offering support. If he weren’t going to perform again tonight, he would feel like he was letting them down by not giving it his all.

Performing alone isn’t something he’s used to. Maybe he’s not even ready for it yet. But at the same time, he’d hate to disappoint the audience by not at least going out there and trying to perform to the best of his abilities. He’s nervous but he’s going to do it.

That is, he’ll try to do it once he stops psyching himself about it first though.

Seungkwan lets out a deep breath in order to calm his frazzled nerves. It’s not the part about performing that makes him nervous. It’s all about the fact that he’s performing alone for the first time that really works him up. He decides that in order to stop overanalyzing everything he can and should do for the performance, it might just be better to take a little tiny shot of tequila and mellow out with his friends. He picks up a nearby bottle and some mini shot glasses and plops them down onto the table in front of the two boys left in the room.

“Amen to Seungkwan’s good idea.” Jeonghan replies back, as he stops pinching Junhui’s nose for the time being in order to pour them shots. He only pours out two before stopping and Junhui instantly lets out a gasp about not being included. “Of course I’m not letting you drink, you might have a concussion!”

“I don’t even have a concussion!” Junhui sticks up for himself and bickers right back. “I’ve had a concussion before and it certainly didn’t feel like this!”

Seungkwan takes a shot for himself and throws it back without even bothering to taste it at this point. He’s learned not to. With that, he lets himself sink down onto the couch alongside Junhui as he tries to take a peek at the state of his injuries now. “So you’ve had a broken nose and a concussion before…. Should I even as why or should I ask what else don’t I know about you?”

“Along with a few broken ribs, a few minor fractures here and there too!” Junhui replies back almost like it’s a symbol of pride to him, nothing but a playful grin on his lips despite the cut there looking just as painful as ever.

As Seungkwan just blinks his eyes rather confusedly as to how all of that could have happened, Jeonghan just rolls his eyes and downs his own shot now before mumbling under his breath. “Junhui used to be a fighter.”

“You bet I was!” Junhui responds back, playfully throwing out a few punches just for show. “And I was a damn good one at that.”

Seungkwan doesn’t really know too much about fighting for sport or whatever the sports of fighter really consist of, but Junhui’s form seems to be pretty impressive. It reminds him of how the professional MMA fighters on TV looked like when he was flipping through channels. He’s never seen anyone in real life like this before so he’s kind of amazed just by watching Junhui go at it right now.

Jeonghan must have noticed the dazzled expression on his face though because he’s quick to clarify. “No, he’s not like a professional fighter by any means, if that’s what you’re thinking.” He points out as he puts a hand on Junhui’s shoulder, trying to settle him down from hurting himself any further by all of this playing around. “Before he was working here he would get into street fights for money.”

“That’s a…. thing?” Seungkwan asks rather perplexedly. “Can you really make money by fighting on the streets?”

Junhui just chuckles a little bit and shrugs. “I mean, you can make money but that doesn’t mean it’s legal. We used to get a bunch of guys around and throw bets on the players and the winner takes all, and the reward of honor from winning as well. I had a name for myself on the streets even before I had a name here.”

“I know it sounds cool but it’s really not.” Jeonghan finds himself commenting next. “People take fighting really seriously in some of these smaller neighborhoods. It borders on gang activity because sometimes people can’t handle the fact their friends lose and end up retaliating later on. Plus the police keep a constant watch on those who consistently keep fighting and participate in even watching the fights...”

Junhui nods along in agreement as Jeonghan’s right about those details. “That’s part of the reason why I quit though. I can’t have the police looking for me. I mean, I’m not even a citizen here. I couldn't make money at any standard job because I don’t even have any papers. My grandparents might have been legal citizens when they brought me here, but I never even knew I was an immigrant until I was in my teens. I always grew up with barely any money at home but after I learned I couldn’t even get a job if I wanted one anyways, making money on the streets seemed like the best option for me.”

Seungkwan hadn’t expected for Junhui to open up so personally to him without much prodding into the situation, but that doesn’t mean he’s any less thankful for the fact that Junhui trusts him enough to tell him more intimate details of his story. He makes sure to listen carefully, almost as if this moment wouldn't be able to happen so freely without the context of today making it real.

“I realized early on that if I wanted to blend in with the other kids in my neighborhood, I always had to work double as hard compared to everyone else. I know that it sounds really shallow but when I was in my teens, things like having the most popular sneakers and dressing a certain way really meant everything in my high school. Even among all of the other kids from China, they had all of these nice name brand sneakers and really fancy clothes, while I was left to wear second hand clothes my grandmother would pick me out from some used clothing store, or sometimes my parents would send me cheap shit they managed to scrap from the factories they worked at back in the mainland. I know I should have been thankful because we barely had enough money to even live here, but I really detested this lifestyle when I was younger. Maybe that’s why I was so desperate to do anything to get money back then. Even if I had to take to the streets and fight dirty for it.”

Jeonghan, who had been listening quietly with a patient and rather solemn expression on his face, turned to Junhui with a small smile forming on his face. “But then you found your love for dancing as well.”

“Well, you’re right about that…. I tried a whole bunch of jobs that paid only cash just to make a little extra money for my family. I worked at a few restaurants owned by my grandparents’ friends for barely any pay but the tips were okay. I worked for a furniture moving company but that was a little too difficult for a high schooler at the time. I helped out at a family friend’s martial art’s studio and really fell in love with learning how to fight and using my body in different creative ways. Sometimes I would just go out into the street and dance for hours with a tip jar in front of me, then I’d go teach martial arts to kids in the studio and get into a giant street brawl in the middle of the night; all during the same day. I liked keeping active and doing my favorite hobbies but it was a lot of work. The money was fine and the money from fighting was even better than fine but that wasn’t at a cost. The police were always on my tail. With each fight I’d win, the more close to being ratted out by enemies I’d risk. And with that risk I would not only be putting myself on the line, but also the lives of the people who’d raised me and did their best to take care of me as well.”

As Seungkwan listens to Junhui’s honest story, he can physically hear the emotion lingering in his usually strong voice. It saddens Seungkwan a bit to hear the always confident and determined pillar of their friend group had a lot of struggle to go through before he became the Junhui that they all know today. Their friend Junhui always does the most when making sure that each and every member of their group is properly and adequately taken care of in all situations. He’s really the nicest guy all around. Just knowing that he has some inner pains that he hadn’t even considered before makes Seungkwan realize how much he wants to take care of all of his hyungs more as well.

“I guess what I should ask next is how you ended up where you are today.” Seungkwan finds himself wanting to know. “How did you meet Jihoon and getting involved with the bar?”

The question alone makes Junhui pause for a second to stop and think for himself, but Jeonghan clearly knows the answer. Almost as soon as the question was out there, a knowing smile had formed on his lips. “From the moment I laid eyes on Junhui I knew that I wanted him to work for us.”

“That time we met?” Junhui questions about on some time Seungkwan still didn’t know about yet. “On the street in front of the subway station?”

“For a little earlier than that actually, if I’m being completely honest.” Jeonghan replies back with a soft laugh, something much more sincere than Seungkwan’s seen from him in quite awhile. “See, Junhui used to dance on the streets most nights. I assume if there was no big fight, he’d always go downtown to one of the touristy areas and dance for money. He’d always carry this little tip jar around with him and just stick around for hours. Sometimes he’d come close enough to our bar where we could watch him from the windows while getting ready, so I would do just that. Throughout the night I’d return from breaks and he’d still be out there, dancing just like was hours ago.”

“I never checked the tips when I was out working but one day I went home and found a hundred dollar bill in my jar. I was so shocked and surprised that I think I actually cried!” Junhui recalls the memory, laughing a bit fondly at it now. “It took me a few more weeks of this continuing on to realize that Jeonghan was the guy slipping me the money. About the time that I realized though, he had brought Jihoon along with him one time and they offered me a chance to audition for them on the spot. I didn’t really have anything to lose so I went along with it and ended up working for them a week later. I think you can kinda guess what happened afterwards because you ended up in the exact same spot that I was in.”

“And you never fought again?” Seungkwan asks out in complete shock, finding that now he has even more unanswered questions despite gaining most of the answers. “And what about your grandparents? Has your situation with them changed?”

Junhui tips his head to the side for a moment as Jeonghan stares him down for a moment to assure that he tells the truth. “Eh…. I can’t say that I didn’t get into any more fights really. I had a bit of an attitude problem for the longest time and it took a lot to change me. If anyone from my past accused me of being some pretty dancer boy I’d try to teach them a lesson. Or if someone in the bar said the wrong thing to me or tried to get a little too close to Jeonghan, I’d definitely get physically involved if the situation called for it. But after all these years I try not to fight unless it’s for the good of things.”

This comment causes Jeonghan’s nose to crinkle up as he lets out a laugh. “So you’re trying to say that you hurt yourself in today’s fight just because you thought it was for the better good of things? I know you did it to defend me but I would honestly prefer if you didn’t get involved at all. I can fight for myself, you know.”

Junhui frowns or almost pouts in a way as he turns back to Jeonghan. “Yeah, but that doesn’t feel right to let you fight for yourself like that. After all, you’re the one who did everything you could for me and made my situation better. Hell, you alone changed my life. If I can’t do things for you sometimes that doesn’t feel like a fair exchange at all. I want to protect you if I can.”

“Hm, I greatly appreciate your offer but I really can protect myself.” Jeonghan insists back even though his eyes soften greatly after hearing Junhui’s touching words. “I’d prefer if there were no fighting at all actually.”

  
“I was speaking metaphorically though!” Junhui insists as he inchest closer to prove his point ever more. “It doesn’t matter if it’s a physically fight or any other type of difficult situation that happens to arise for us. When it involves you, I just wish you’d let me take care of you a little bit more. You can’t keep acting like you’re the strongest one out of all of us all the time. Sometimes I want to be the one who makes things a little more easier for you as well.”

Seungkwan feels a little strange to be included in this whole situation right now. It’s kind of interesting how he was so involved with the conversation before and now it’s like Junhui and Jeonghan just got lost in their own little world. It would be hard for Jeonghan to really even know Seungkwan was there anymore by the way Junhui’s leaning in so much more closely than before. Not to mention, by the way Jeonghan’s looking at Junhui so softly with the most faintness of pink lingering on the tips of his ears, it’s safe to say that the two of them could really care less if Seungkwan even was here or not. If Seungkwan really didn’t know any better, he’d just about swear that the two of them would probably kiss right now if he weren’t here to witness this.

He didn’t even know they had feelings for each other but now it’s all rather obvious.

Just as he’s about to get up and excuse himself with whatever reason he can think of, Junhui suddenly turns to him and adds something to the story. “By the way, to finish answering your question, my grandparents are doing well. I take care of a lot of their bills and they’re living in a much better area now. I’m also sending money back to my parents as well. I guess you can say everything is pretty much perfect right now. Just like Soonyoung, I guess this bar is special to me as well.”

That’s all nice to know so Seungkwan smiles at him and nods in response. He would still feel much more comfortable leaving these two alone right now though. The way they’re staring at each other is a little too much for Seungkwan to handle. There’s just too many suppressed emotions and now that he’s dating Hansol, Seungkwan can’t really handle the sappiness of it all. Just remembering the days when he was like that are too cringy to think about.

Besides, he’ll just miss Hansol even more if he thinks about it.

Right now he’s got an impromptu solo performance to plan out. He was nervous before but somehow hearing Junhui’s story makes him feel a little more determined to do it on his own. If Junhui can put himself out there and push himself to the limits every day out on those streets, he certainly can do something special here as well.

 


	14. the chasing game

Before Seungkwan could even realize, the whole city seemed to be filled with bright red and green reminders of the festive season. Everywhere he looked seemed to be covered by some kind of flashy decoration all of the sudden and there was nothing he could do to get away from it. The concrete streets of gray now seem to have a warm glow to them no matter what time of day he’s passing by. It’s almost as if the journey to and from work has felt all the more magical just in terms of some decorations alone. The city is much more busy and more crowded than ever but Seungkwan doesn’t mind at all. Something about this atmosphere just makes him feel happy without any solid reason for feeling so. It must definitely be that Christmas magic lingering in the air. 

 

Seungkwan’s working harder than ever since the fight broke out in the bar. Soonyoung surely did end up breaking part of a foot and spraining his ankle all at the same time. While he’s limited to sitting on a stool behind the bar and just passing off pre-made drinks to the customers, Jeonghan has been slacking off in his own dance routines after the altercation. Seungkwan’s not exactly sure if he’s still somewhat rattled up about performing and getting pulled off stage again. He doesn’t want to press it because it’s all still so recent. As for Junhui he’s all too eager to get back on stage again but Jihoon won’t let him… with a swollen nose and a cracked lip. 

 

Jihoon doesn’t want to ruin the illusion for the customers by letting out one of his pretty boys with a damaged face, which is pretty understandable, but Junhui is physically going stir crazy not being able to perform. Jihoon even allowed him to take a whole week off to stay at home and just relax to heal properly but Junhui ends up lingering around the break room after only two days. He still helps out by arranging their costumes ahead of time and even applying their stage makeup, however that’s still not enough to satisfy him. All throughout the week they try to sneak him out for a few minutes or so behind the bar until Jihoon eventually catches him and chases him back in. 

 

As for Seungkwan though, he’s starting to feel a little worn out. Certainly there was a rush performing all alone for the first time on the night of the incident. He got past the first song filled with sweaty palms and jittery legs but almost as soon as he fought away his nerves, he was able to continue singing freely without much problems. The only problem about this was the fact that Jeonghan urged him to perform for a full hour in hopes that Jihoon would eventually come back in time to form another plan. 

 

That didn’t exactly occur as planned either though. 

 

Not only did Seungkwan sing his heart out for that whole hour (not to mention fully entertain the crowd too), as well as try to manage a little dancing in there as well, Jihoon still hadn’t returned back from the hospital with Soonyoung. He took a fifteen minute break in between to wipe away the hot beads of sweat that formed on his forehead from standing under those bright lights for so long and only had enough time to down a water bottle before heading back out on the floor again. This time there was a bridesmaid’s party that paid extra to play a game with the hosts so Seungkwan brought all of them up on the bar’s counters to dance around to cheesy pop songs. 

 

Nothing could be more fun than that for Seungkwan, right? Wrong, because although he does love to enjoy the most generic of pop songs and recite the dances to them perfectly, it’s just so tiring trying to please everyone. He would have let it slide but he performed for another whole hour later, and then even returned back behind the bar to serve drinks until closing. 

 

And it doesn’t end there. Almost every day since the bar fight, Seungkwan’s been on his own to handle the performances or the party games or lead the bar servers since they’re all newbies hired just for the Christmas season. By the time he’s dragging himself home and into Hansol’s bed, he can barely manage to peck the other on the lips before passing out into an exhausted sleep. He ends up so tired that he ends up sleeping way past noon, around 4:00PM actually, and by the time he showers and eats and catches up with all the housework he has to head back in for his next shift. 

 

At this point, Seungkwan is so burned out that he can’t even look forward to his first real Christmas anymore. He can’t look forward to cuddling with Hansol and talking about each other’s days before falling asleep, or even think about having fun with his friends anymore. His job has started to feel like a chore and he’s stuck in this repetitive pattern of working to his limit all night and sleeping all day. 

 

He only receives some days off during the actual day before Christmas and the two days leading after it because almost everyone in the city doesn’t have to work. It’s kind of sad that he used to have so much fun going out with Hansol on the weekends and now he doesn’t want to do anything but lay in bed with him and sleep it away instead. Although this would be very tempting, Seungkwan also remembers the times when he’d manage to find only a few hours of free time and immediately choose Hansol to occupy them with. Even if he’s exhausted he’s always going to choose Hansol instead. 

 

The two of them decide to make the best of their very rare days off, in which Hansol invites Seungkwan out on what seems like a very pre-planned type of date. Not only was Hansol practically waiting for Seungkwan to finally rouse out of sleep in the slightest bit to jump on the chance to invite him out, but he’s quick to get dressed and get out of the house as well. It definitely has been quite awhile since the two of them have gotten a chance to spend the whole day together. Seungkwan also notices the lingering smile on his lips as he hurriedly races to get ready as well. 

 

Without giving any hints to what he’s got in mind, Vernon takes a hold of his hand and pulls him down the staircase a bit faster than usual. They end up only going a little ways down the street before stopping at the bus stop. It’s the same bus stop that they had ended up using on their first somewhat “date”. Thinking back to the time where they were still awkward and a little too excited about learning about each other, Seungkwan can’t help but to smile back on the memories. It didn’t matter where Hansol took him that day. All he really wanted was to spend time with him and he feels the exact same way today. 

 

Although there is that sense of familiarness to be riding the bus with Hansol and having no clue of what’s in store, things definitely do feel a bit different in the current state of their relationship. His feelings of anticipation are all the same, but he feels so much more comfortable to be in Hansol’s presence. Instead of worrying whether Hansol would like him or find his actions to be too informal, Seungkwan revels in the fact that he can just place his head down to rest on the other’s shoulder anytime. It’s only in this moment that he realizes how much the other’s presence can really calm him down after a tough week at work. He really needed a day like this.

 

As they sightsee their hands move to seek out each other, fingers slipping into each other’s hold and remaining there in the most simple displays of affection. As Seungkwan watches the beautiful cityscape unveil in front of his eyes from his spot at the window seat, he occasionally steal a glance or two at Hansol as well. The place that they live in might be beautiful, but seeing that beauty reflected within Hansol’s eyes really does something for his heart. God, he cares about Hansol so much. Everything about this city is so much better with Hansol by his side. Now Seungkwan’s starting to think that if suddenly there was no Hansol in New York City, he would probably leave everything behind just to follow him anywhere else in the whole world. 

 

He’s in deep but it’s all too different this time. This isn’t one of his usual situations of falling into a rushed relationship based on looks alone, or obsessing over someone who was merely being nice to him. Hansol’s been with him since day one here. All of the months they’ve spent together, mutually supporting each other and slowly showing their feelings for each other has only been building up Seungkwan’s affections over time. He feels everything for Hansol. Actually, maybe even Hansol makes him feel everything he’s meant to feel when it comes for falling for someone. Sometimes the feelings are new and overwhelming and unlike anything he’s ever felt for somebody before, but he welcomes all of these feelings for Hansol. He wants to feel each and every thing. 

 

It’s kind of strange to admit but Seungkwan starts to feel like maybe he was meant to come here and meet Hansol. Maybe all of the pent up frustrations in his life and all of the stir crazy excitement that built up was just pushing him to cross the ocean and come meet somebody who was made to just get him. Although he also came here to follow his dream, and he attended a pretty nice school, made a lot of friends, and also scored a very successful job, all of that seems rather secondary to his New York experience. Almost all of his happiest memories here are filled with Hansol. He might just be fantasizing and dreaming romantically like he always does, but Hansol really is New York to him. 

 

It just wouldn’t be the same without him here. 

 

Seungkwan isn’t exactly sure what's getting into him. Now he feels all too sentimental and on the verge of thanking Hansol for existing and always being so nice to him and taking him out on these fun adventures all the time. For a second his eyes feel like watering up. He’ll have to blame it on the Christmas season for making him feel all mushy and dripping with emotion. He’s lucky his head is still resting on Hansol’s shoulder so the other can’t exactly see him trying to blink his eyes rapidly to stop any actual tears from forming there. Either way though, he’s still a bit too emotional for his good. That’s something even the passage of time can’t change so easily about him. 

 

One of his hands lightly reaches upwards and rests upon the side of Hansol’s cheek with as much gentleness as he can even manage. All it takes is a little prodding and a little tilting of his face in the right direction and Hansol understands that he’s asking to be kissed. It’s still quite new for the two of them to be doing this type of thing in public. Seungkwan would have never even dreamed of doing this in Korea. But then Hansol kind of smiles in that kind of smug and yet kind of syrupy sweet way that makes Seungkwan’s stomach do flips and he kisses him oh so softly, yet with enough tenderness that gives Seungkwan everything he could have ever asked for. The best part about kissing Hansol is that he almost always lingers there after. Seungkwan can finally register the same smile from before on his lips right before they part. The area where Hansol’s fingers were gently holding his face in place seem to be lit afire long after they’re gone. 

 

When Seungkwan only realizes now that he was holding his breath the whole time he looks away almost shyly as he finally takes a breath in again. He has to glance out the window and distract himself in order to get his heartbeat and his breathing rhythm back into somewhat of it’s usual order. He’s sure Hansol would like to know that he has this affect on him but it’s too soon to be showing all of his weaknesses this early in the game. 

 

With thoughts like this, it almost doesn’t even matter that they both live in the same city, yet alone New York at that. As long as Seungkwan is with Hansol he doesn’t even care where they are or what they’re doing. Their bus starts traveling within the more crowded sections of the city, where the buildings are so tall and cramped together that he can’t even see the sky anymore. There’s so many people and especially tourists around this area that Seungkwan naturally starts to grow curious of whatever Hansol has planned for the day. 

 

Once the other tips his head to the side and motions for Seungkwan to follow him off the bus at the next stop, it doesn’t take Seungkwan too long to figure out where he is. He hasn’t been here before but as soon as Hansol takes his hand and starts leading him through the lively crowds of people, the faint glow of the countless billboards plastered all over the city lead the way to the heart of the city. Seungkwan’s seen this place enough times in movies to know exactly where they are: Time’s Square.

He’s been living here for about half a year but he had never made the journey all the way here. But once he takes his first few steps into the famous center, he’s almost stunned that it took him so long to witness something like this. It’s like an unexpected rush. There’s a burst of color, flashing lights, endless scrolling text over every surface in sight, people rushing past him on all sides, bright yellow taxis zooming by. There’s just too much going on to focus on one thing but it’s all sort of fascinating at the same time. It’s completely unlike anything he’s ever experienced before. 

 

For Hansol, a place like this is probably too much of a hassle to really enjoy anymore. The December season brings in even more tourists than usual and it’s a little hard to even walk down the sidewalks without stopping and having to wait for someone to get out of the way. All of the various food trucks spout out too many different smells as well as the usually overflowing trash cans and engine fuel from passing cars. And it’s also just a little too loud with all the billboards screaming out information above the already loud groups of tourists. Although it might be hard for him to find much enjoyment out of it himself, watching Seungkwan’s first time reactions are worth everything. 

 

Seungkwan almost leaves him behind in the dust as he keeps recognizing the iconic imagery from the countless movies he’s obsessed over and ends up running all around to check it out. He’s in shock seeing all of the restaurants from films as well as all of the shops and museums that only feed into his fantasy of that classic New York imagery evermore. Seungkwan will gladly admit to anyone that he’s a fan of all types of celebrity, whether that be in film, music, or even on stage shows. It’s almost like that this is the center of where all of that creative magic comes to life. 

 

So many people have made their start to fame here in this city. He may get sidetracked in his thinking sometimes, but he originally made the decision to come here hoping for some of that luck to rub off on him too. He’s only been here for a matter of minutes but he’s already wishing for the chance to appear on one of these here billboards someday as well. Maybe that’s the next goal he’s going to add to his long list of aspirations. 

 

As expected, Seungkwan almost gets a little too enthralled with being here that he nearly forgets the fact that Hansol was the one who brought him here in the first place. They had talked about coming here multiple times, ever since the beginning when they first met actually, but due to both of their busy schedules neither of them had the time to enjoy a full day here. It seemed better to wait for a day they could explore around leisurely and take as much time as they needed. More than anything, Seungkwan’s just really happy that Hansol remembered the fact that he wanted to go so badly. 

 

Before he can get anymore sidetracked, Seungkwan turns around and takes the last few remaining steps back to where Hansol was simply watching him rather amusedly from. He’s just so happy. Without worry about where they are, or whoever is around them, or the fact that they’ll be seen or not, Seungkwan wraps his arms around Hansol’s waist and holds him tight. 

 

“Thanks for remembering and taking me here.” He says as he lets his head rest against the other’s chest for just a moment, trying to find a moment to show his affection for the other despite the mad rush of everything else around them. “This is really the best present I could have ever asked for.” 

 

Just as he says that, Hansol finds himself laughing softly as his arms move to wrap around him tightly. Once Seungkwan feels the warm and familiar embrace returned right back to him, it feels almost like it’s just the two of them in the whole world. Time can stop and only the two of them exist in this moment. “You know, it’s not really that hard to get here… I don’t know why we even waited so long. I’m glad you’re so happy already but this is by no means your present. I mean, do you really think I’m so lazy to just take you on a bus ride and call that your Christmas gift?” 

 

The vibrations from Hansol’s laughter resonating inside his chest make Seungkwan feel even more warm and happy somehow, only furthermore making Seungkwan crave Hansol even more. He just closes his eyes and rests his head on the other’s shoulder, only focusing on the way Hansol makes him feel despite all of people and noises around them. “I’m just saying that this is enough for me, really. I couldn’t really ask for anything better than just being in this amazing place with you here to experience it with me.” 

 

“Although I’m touched that you feel this way, I’m still going to take this opportunity to give you something even better though.” Hansol admits with another small chuckle as one of his hands move to lightly pat the top of Seungkwan’s head. “Can I tell you what else I prepared for today or do you want to hold onto me a bit longer?” 

 

“How about I hold onto you while I listen?” Seungkwan reasons back with him, his smiling cheeks all pushed up against Hansol’s coat and voice rather muffled. 

 

“Good, and you better listen carefully to this one because I feel like you’re not going to believe me even though I am in fact being very serious. I’ll probably have to say it twice anyways from the shock value alone.” Vernon decides to warm him ahead of time, even going to the point of somewhat tightening his hold around Seungkwan’s waist as if this could make him concentrate a bit more diligently. He waits for Seungkwan to peer up only just enough to make eye contact before he smiles down at him playfully. “So you know that musical that you were really into a few months back and asked me if I had ever seen it?” 

 

Seungkwan’s eyes instantly widen. “Hansol- you DIDN’T!” 

 

“And then I had said that no, I have never seen any musicals or plays, let alone anything on Broadway at all for that matter…” 

 

“HANSOL- DID YOU?” Seungkwan nearly pushes Hansol out of his arms to get a more close look at his expression, but the other just laughs and pulls him more closely, restricting him from getting away. 

 

“So I might not have been able to afford any late night tickets to a Broadway show for the particular musical you had in mind but…. I did manage to get us tickets for an afternoon showing. If you, uh, wanted to see the show in like an hour?” As Hansol finishes his reveal with a rather shy but still rather triumphant grin on his face, Seungkwan can’t think of any other natural reflex other than to hit at his shoulder. 

 

“I can’t believe you did this Hansol, now I might start crying on the sidewalk and throw myself to your feet!” Seungkwan admits rather emotionally as he tries to blink back his watery eyes, yet again today. Hansol just shrugs and apologizes for not actually being sorry at all. Seungkwan decides to hit at his shoulder once more instead. “You didn’t have to do that! I’m sure it was really expensive and hard to get tickets because it’s always selling out and-” 

 

“So? I wanted to do it so I did it.”  Hansol insists as he moves to pull Seungkwan close again, this time making sure to secure his little fist as well to prevent anymore shoulder pushes. “Just let me give this to you, Seungkwan. I know you came to this city to find that something special. It’s been enough time for you in this city and I want you to experience something you’ve always dreamed of. After all, you deserve something special after working so hard everyday.” 

 

Hansol’s too gentle with him. He always has been. Now that he’s looking at him so softly yet intently with those light brown eyes and speaking to him so caringly with the most sincere of words, Seungkwan really starts to feel himself heating up with emotion for Hansol. He really doesn’t know what he did to deserve meeting someone as perfect as him. This must have been a pretty big expense on Hansol’s paycheck. Seungkwan could justify buying the tickets with his own money because he gets paid much too generously in tips just for stepping foot in the bar. But Hansol works so hard everyday and always comes back home looking thoroughly tired out and defeated. The fact that Hansol not only paid a lot of money for this but also picked out something so perfect for this gift truly means the most for Seungkwan. 

 

Seungkwan won’t cry even if he is feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment. At least not for now. He might lose it once he’s actually on Broadway and watching one of his favorite musicals of all time. In this current moment, all he can really do is give up and give in to everything Hansol has offered. His arms are already wrapped around Seungkwan’s frame in waiting but now it’s Seungkwan’s turn to relax a bit and surrender to all of the feelings that Hansol gives to him. 

 

When he embraces him back and finally allows his head to rest back upon it’s usual safe place on Hansol’s shoulder, Seungkwan’s knees feel like they’d buckle if Hansol weren’t there to hold him as well. His heart is just beating so fast that it’s enough to make him dizzy. But still, his hands smooth down Hansol’s back before gripping into the fabric and pulling him impossibly closer. It’s like his body is all moving on its own accord. “God, Hansol, I just love you so much.” 

 

Before he can even realize the fact that he’s just said that and the words are really out there in existence, Hansol’s fingers searching to take hold of his chin shake him out of dwelling on that any longer. He doesn’t have to ask to know what Hansol wants. He wants to kiss him. Out here. In the center of the city. In the largest city in the whole country. In perhaps one of the most infamous places in the whole entire world. Despite all of that and despite the fact that there’s so many people around, Hansol still wants to kiss him here. 

 

Seungkwan hesitates for a moment, really debating with himself if this is even allowed in public. He worries what people will think of them or if people will end up watching them, but most of all he’s considering whether this is all too good to be true or not. Does he really deserve this type of whirlwind romance after moving across the country on just a whim? Even if it is all too good to be true, could he still have this anyways? 

 

Hansol picks up on his hesitation because Seungkwan almost always responds instantly to the tipping of his face when they’re that close. “It’s the first time you’ve said it.” Hansol states rather desperately in this moment, refusing to let those words just drift away without some sort of acknowledgement as he keeps his fingers gently holding Seungkwan’s face in place. “All of these people around us don’t care about what we do. They’re too happy living their own lives in this place. Look around you, how many other pairs of lovers can you pick out just here alone?” 

 

Seungkwan’s still a little too close to Hansol to really think straight but he listens to his words and allows for his eyes to scan over everything around them. Hansol’s right. Not only are there countless other couples enjoying each other’s company, but there’s so many groups of friends taking silly pictures and families coming here to experience the scenery together. It’s like everyone is happy within their own little worlds in this special place. Almost like there is something magical lingering within these bright neon walls of a concrete city. 

 

Without really saying more, Seungkwan just nods silently and lets his eyelids slip shut. By these movements, he allows for Hansol to take the lead and bring their lips together for a deep kiss. It’s simple. It’s chaste. Lips just lingering against lips for an unknown amount of time as they’re lost in their own little world. It might not be anything dramatic or breathtaking like in all of the movies he’s watched, but for Seungkwan it means just about everything. 

 

He’s said those three little words to Hansol and despite thinking of saying them and actually saying them a few times before in the past, he only truly means them now. 

 

Hansol doesn’t say them back. Seungkwan’s always assumed it would be harder for him based on the things that happened in the past. He wasn’t looking to hear them or expecting to, but when Hansol’s done kissing him and doesn’t offer anything more than a smile, he can’t say he wasn’t hoping to hear them too. 

  
  
  
  


. . . . . . 

  
  


Although Seungkwan wishes for the days that are reserved for only the two of them to continue on, eventually reality sets in and they have to go back to their normal lives. The season might allow them a few more days off than usual but the curse of their schedules never matching up has to strike again. Seungkwan has a free day but Hansol gets called in unexpectedly to work a shift that he can’t say no to. It’s something that can’t exactly be helped but Seungkwan is still slightly disappointed. They didn’t exactly have any plans set out yet but he was still hoping to spend the day with him. Plus he still hasn’t found the right timing to present him with his gift of the plane ticket. Today would have been the perfect time to go out somewhere special and hand over the surprise. 

 

Once Hansol is all changed up into his work uniform and out the door after pressing a soft kiss to Seungkwan’s cheek, the remaining boy is left there staring at the empty spot that Hansol left there before letting out a sigh. There’s nothing he can do about it. He might as well enjoy his day off by relaxing at home and catching up on his tv shows, maybe do a little cooking to surprise Hansol with later, or maybe even set out in the city to find some new shops. Either way, he has to do something today or he’s just going to keep staring at that door, sighing and waiting until Hansol finally finishes another long work shift. 

 

By the time he listlessly pulls himself off of his sofa and pulls on a warmer change of clothes for going out, it seems like the day has another plan for him entirely. Once he grabs his phone, there’s a string of text messages and even a voicemail from Soonyoung flashing across the screen. Apparently Jihoon decided to invite them out to a surprise dinner party in celebration of their hard work this year. What Soonyoung insisted on furthermore though was the fact that all of this will be paid in full by their boss, which means it’s the perfect occasion to order expensive steak dinners and whatever else they could ever want. Soonyoung seems completely enthralled about the fact that Jihoon’s wallet is on the line but all that Seungkwan’s really happy about is that a plan for the day just kind of fell on his lap. Maybe today is just full of unexpected happenings. 

 

He responds back and after waiting a just little while, he’s picked up in front of his apartment by a large black vehicle, one sent by Jihoon to pick them up like they had previously used a few times in the past to travel as a group. Once he climbs in the back he’s greeted by Junhui, Jeonghan, and a wildly grinning Soonyoung. Clearly someone is much more excited than the others. That’s not saying that Junhui and Jeonghan look anything less than pleased though. Perhaps the few days of vacation has left them looking more relaxed and peaceful than usual.

 

Junhui’s facial injuries from the fight have cleared up quite well since the last time they saw each other, but Soonyoung still has his signature cast covering up his ankle. By now there’s nearly no white spaces left over the surface due to all of the get well soon messages and funny drawings all over the surface. As Seungkwan climbs into the back seat he makes sure not to bump into it too much, since Soonyoung is still out of work for the time being and possibly still hurt. 

 

“Where’s Jihoon?” Seungkwan asks out of curiosity once he’s all settled in and the car starts moving. “I thought you said this outing was requested by him?” 

 

“He’s waiting at the restaurant ahead of us.” Jeonghan informs him. “Apparently he’s friends with the owner of the place so he decided to head in a bit earlier.” 

 

Much like earlier, Soonyoung leans forward to talk about the real importance of their visit instead.“For real though, this place has the best Christmas menu! Jihoon has taken us here every year for the past three years or so and it never fails to impress. Last year we even had steaks first and then lobster after… then even accompanied with caviar? Lee Jihoon definitely does not cheap out when it comes to a holiday dinner!” 

 

As Junhui listens to him he laughs along to the claims under his breath. “I just hope you didn’t already eat too much today. There’s usually more than three courses so you’re in for a big meal.” 

 

Because things have been a little rough at work lately, or actually more like really draining, at least Seungkwan can feel slightly compensated for his extra work by this dinner invitation. And the fact that the usually very busy Jihoon is even going out of his way to prepare this special menu for them definitely means something. And although things have been stressful lately he’s still feeling happy to spend a day together with the guys, especially because they’re not working right now either. They haven't had many chances to hang out casually in a long time and certainly personalities can change under times of stress. With all the business that goes on at work it’s almost like they’ve only been talking about taking the right orders and being on stage in the right places. 

 

When the car pulls up to the location and signals that they’ve arrived at the right place, they take their turns getting out one by one. Seungkwan lets the elders lead the way into the elaborately designed building while he takes the moment to crane his head up to the ceiling, where a large chandelier glistens above him. The rest of the walk there is filled with intricate looking art pieces, such as sculptures and paintings that he doesn’t really understand. All that he can really understand is that the artistic value of this place is surely meant to show off some kind of wealth or status.  It’s nice but he’d personally rather eat somewhere much more cozy, like Seokmin’s little diner. 

 

They’re lead into a reserved private room in the back by one of the wait staff, in which Jihoon is already waiting for them in there. As he shares some friendly comments back and forth with someone that Seungkwan assumes to be the owner of the place, the four of them take their seats in order to get this dinner started already. The other guys seem to recognize the man that Jihoon is talking to as well, in which Jihoon finally takes the moment to introduce Seungkwan as their new member from the past year. He bows his head in greeting and mentions a quick thanks to him for preparing this event for them. 

 

It’s all pretty average conversation that goes on from there. The owner goes on about what kind of special courses the restaurant has prepared for them today. Seungkwan briefly listens to what's going on about the food choices before glancing out and taking a peek into the part of the restaurant that’s open to the public instead. There’s a lot of customers today, all dressed up nicely and immaculately for their own holiday dinners. It looks busy out there on the floor as various waiters race back and forth in order to keep up with bringing the highly detailed courses of food and constant refills of wine. Speaking of which, as soon as Seungkwan reaches out to take a sip of his water, the owner clears his throat and announces that their number one waiter will be back in a few moments with their finest bottle of wine for the group- all on the house due to Jihoon’s friendship with the man. Or just to keep up their business ties. 

 

And just like promised, their waiter for the night does show up only a few seconds later. Seungkwan barely has time to place his water glass right back where it belongs before his eyes flickered up and locked eyes with the person that they were assigned with for the night. Those eyes were so soft, so richly brown, and oh so familiar. Seungkwan would know that of course. Because after all this time, he had fallen in love with them. 

 

It’s Hansol.

 

Hansol has been assigned as their waiter for the night. 

 

Something in Seungkwan’s stomach immediately sinks down into a place so low that he didn’t even know existed. It’s a strange feeling actually. Usually he’s filled with so much love and joy when he’s locking eyes with Vernon and yet nothing has ever felt so wrong like this before. He almost can’t believe it but then he struggles to swallow down with his whole throat so dry. He’s feeling so utterly guilty right now. Hansol is working here at this restaurant. He’s not working as a chef but a waiter. He’s going to be working their table tonight. And worst of all, he has to see Seungkwan sitting here with this crowd. 

 

He knows everything now. 

 

He knows that Seungkwan must be working as one of them. 

 

This is the one thing that he didn’t want to hurt him with and now he found out anyways.

 

As Seungkwan is wrapped up in these overpowering feelings of his guilt he can’t do anything but look down at his own lap. His hands are shaking. He can’t do anything. It feels like the whole room might as well be spinning. He’s not sure whether he wants to burst out into tears, or get up and run away or completely just shut down. It’s Jihoon’s voice speaking out that finally pushes him back into some sort of comprehension of the situation. 

 

“Vernon, I haven’t seen you in quite awhile.” His boss remarks rather politely, greeting Vernon in a professional manner despite all of the problems that he might have witnessed in the past involving the other workers or the club itself. Despite being an awkward situation he’s still respectful to move on from their past especially since Hansol’s own boss is watching closely nearby. “I’ve been a regular here for many years so it’s a bit surprising to find out you started working here but I’m glad to see you’re still doing well.” 

 

Having the distraction of Jihoon’s comment break some of the crippling silence in the room somewhat strikes Seungkwan back into reality. As he manages to gather all of his courage to glance up at Hansol now, the other just lets out a rather struggled laugh at the comment and just replies with a simple, “Yes, I’ve been here for almost a year now actually.” 

 

Although Hansol might be talking as if nothing happened, Seungkwan’s eyes travel down to his hands that are working on pouring the wine into Soonyoung’s glass in this current moment. Hansol can’t hide the shakiness of his movements. By the time he gets around to pouring Jeonghan’s glass, which happens to be last next to Seungkwan’s, he can only pour a little before his trembling hands gets the best of him and a little splash of red wine stains the table cloth.

 

Almost instantly as the small mistake occurs, Hansol is quick to bow his head and let out a string of polite apologies, but something still isn’t right. Seungkwan has never seen Hansol like this before. He’s never been so tense or nervous before. Seungkwan would expect him to be hurt or upset by seeing him here with the guys but instead Hansol looks more like he’s worried about something else.

 

While frantically blotting at the table while trying to remove some of the wine stain, Jeonghan moves back in his seat a little and tries to take the cloth from Hansol’s hand, trying to assure him that everything is fine. “It’s just a small spill, nothing to worry about.” 

 

“I’m very sorry about this.” Hansol repeats again as he hands his head low, unrelenting in handing over the pinkening cloth to Jeonghan until he finishes cleaning the whole mess. “It was my mistake. It will just take me a few moments to clean up.” 

 

The owner of the restaurant seems to take interest in the situation as he curiously makes his way over to take a look. “Do we have a problem here?” He drawls out slowly and rather suspiciously at that until he catches eye of the bright red stain on the table. Almost immediately his demeanor changes. His head snaps in Hansol’s direction in nearly a split second. “Vernon, did you spill the wine? This can’t do for our best paying customers. Go and fetch another table cloth now.” 

 

As the boss points in the direction of the kitchen, Hansol immediately stops trying to fix the mistake and mumbles a quiet “yes sir” before turning to head off. But just before letting him leave the room, Jihoon manages to catch his arm on the way out. Seungkwan’s breath hitches in his throat. He knows the two of them had had some bad history between them. And Jihoon doesn’t know the two of them are together either. Will Jihoon use this moment to be cruel and tease Hansol for this mistake? Seungkwan barely remembers to breath again as the scene plays out between them in extreme slow motion. 

 

“Now that’s not needed at all here.” Jihoon insists lightheartedly as he releases his hold on Hansol’s arm. “It’s just a little spill, nothing serious enough to ruin the whole dinner. We’ll be fine without changing the table cloth. Besides, it would only waste time to set up the silverware all over again. How about we forget it ever happened and move onto the first appetizer course instead? I’m sure all of my guests are getting hungry with all this time wasted talking.” 

 

As Jihoon speaks to the owner of the establishment, Seungkwan notices something about him as well. Not only had Jihoon been very considerate of saving Hansol back there, but it’s almost like he was defending him in some way. Seungkwan doesn’t exactly know what to think about it but as he watches Jihoon speak, it’s almost like the way he’s smiling is too fake. He can read it within how the male’s eyes are crinkling up in the worst attempt at an eye smile ever. 

 

“Just wait a minute there, Vernon.” The boss speaks up rather sternly again, once again stopping him in his tracks. “I see that one of your guests still doesn’t have any wine in his glass. Shouldn’t you at least offer him some before retreating back to the kitchen?” 

 

Seeing that the only person left who doesn’t have any wine is Seungkwan, which would make Hansol have to come over and serve him directly, it’s clear that the two of them would both be very uncomfortable with this situation unfolding. Across the table Seungkwan notices Junhui frowning rather uncomfortably to himself and Soonyoung’s worried eyes practically searching for his own across the table. They both know what he’s going through. His secret got leaked out before he had the time to say it himself and make it right. This isn’t fun for anyone right now.

 

Although his other two co-workers respond with looks of sympathy, Jeonghan is the only one bold enough to actually do something to make this easier on everyone. “Oh, actually he doesn’t drink anyways so we won’t be needing anymore wine here. At least for the moment being.” He speaks up while offering a coy smile to the owner. “I’ll make sure that we call for more wine once our glasses are empty though.” 

 

The owner lets out a strange scoff of a laugh. It’s so conceited and cocky that Seungkwan decides he instantly doesn’t like the man. “Well I can assure you that I won’t allow those glasses to even be empty in the first place. I’ll make sure Vernon fills them accordingly so you always have plenty. As for you sir, I hope your clothes weren’t stained during that little spill. Are they soiled in any way?” 

 

As the older man tries to lean a little closer to Jeonghan to examine his shirt (maybe even too closely), and offers over a clean cloth to clean up with, Jeonghan just takes the rag and tosses it down on the table disinterestedly. “Certainly none of my clothes were stained. There’s no need to fuss over it any longer or else it will really become a waste of time after all.” Jeonghan insists, now to the point of actually getting pissed of with this man’s overbearing attitude as well. Almost as if he wants to save Hansol from dealing with it any longer and to save Seungkwan in the process too, he has to act a little impatient about the service as well. “Please bring out our first round of courses. We’re very busy during the holidays so we can’t waste time with all of this small talk.” 

 

Seungkwan’s thankful that Jeonghan said what he did. Not only does it send Hansol off into the kitchen to gather the plates of food, but it seems to set the owner back into a more rushed sense of managing the restaurant. As he excuses himself to check on some other guests, nearly everyone left in their small private room lets out a round of collective sighs. 

 

Jihoon is surprisingly the first to break the silence. “Before anyone asks, I did not know that Hansol worked here. I wouldn't bring you all here if I knew that he’d end up waiting our table. I wouldn’t find that funny because I also don’t find it very fair that his boss is basically ordering him around like some kind of servant here. And yes, before you ask about what I’m planning on doing about it, I will certainly talk to the owner once we leave and the dinner goes off successfully. Let’s just get through this evening peacefully, alright?” 

 

Although Jihoon’s words are meant to soothe out the situation and prevent the easily worked up group of guys from making a scene about the situation, it’s more like his words are listened to and then forgot about as all eyes turn to focus on Seungkwan instead. 

 

“I just feel so horrible about this.” Soonyoung says, voice weak as his hands push back his hair rather stressfully. “You had no idea that he worked here either, right?” 

 

When Seungkwan tries to speak his voice sounds hoarser than usual due to how constricted his throat feels from holding all these feelings inside. “No, I didn’t. I really didn’t know.” He admits as he looks down and shakes his head from side to side. His hands are still shaking. All of his friends staring at him with various looks of concern only make him feel more vulnerable right now. “I didn’t even know he was a waiter and not a chef after all…” 

 

“This is too much right now. For everybody.” Junhui decides as he starts to get up in his seat. “Let’s just say something came up and we were called for another appointment.” 

 

“Everything is already paid for so feel free to leave if you want.” Jihoon says rather understandably, sensing that even though he doesn’t know the whole story that something happening here is enough to upset the whole group. “If you don’t mind though, I think it’s better off if I stay for the rest of the night though. I am still business partners with the owner of this place. It makes me look bad if I end things early as well.” 

 

“We’ll stay then.” Jeonghan decides for the two of them after only a split moment of thought. “But let Seungkwan and Soonyoung head out early. Business wise, it makes all of us look bad if all of your workers work out and leave you alone here. Just say that one of us got sick and one left to help him.” It does seem like a mature decision to make, even to the point where Junhui starts to change his mind as well and finds himself sinking back down into his seat again. 

 

“No, I’ll stay too…” Seungkwan decides firmly although his voice is starting to betray himself again. He hasn’t stopped shaking since first locking eyes with Hansol moments ago. He’s not sure why he wants to try to stay despite being so overwhelmed right now. Maybe it’s his devotion to his job and his friends forcing him to stay here. Or the fact that he would look like an even more guilty coward if he got up and betrayed Hansol all over again “I was just caught off guard for a moment there. I’ll talk to Hansol later and try to make things right but as for now, I think it’s best for the both of us if we act professional and try to get this dinner over without anymore tension between anyone.” 

 

He knows that they don’t exactly believe him. He’s just sacrificing his own feelings in order to do what’s best for the group. Such a normal and selfless Seungkwan thing to do, like he always has. They would understand if this was too hard for him and he just wanted to leave at any moment. He knows they wouldn’t blame him in any way for being selfish just once here. But would Hansol blame him? Would he consider him anymore guilty for hiding the secret and run away from facing him? That’s something Seungkwan doesn’t even want to put on the line. 

 

Coming from the nearby located kitchen, there’s a bit of commotion going on in the background before a loud smash of glass breaking resonates throughout the room. The sharp noise cuts the silence and Seungkwan’s heart nearly beats out of his chest. Before he can fully calm down from jumping back in surprise, the explosive sounds of shouting breaks out instead. It’s the owner’s voice roaring out behind the closed door of the kitchen, only barely seeping out from the crack and audible from their private room. 

 

“Vernon Chwe! Was that you who left that plate so close to the edge? I bumped into it while walking by and it shattered to pieces! Are you that careless to leave a plate dangling over the edge of a counter?! This is your second mistake today! Not to mention your fifth this whole week! Wine spills, glass breaking, leaving the check too early, not filling up a glass when it was almost empty, and even clocking in two minutes early! If you keep up this behavior you’re on the list to be fired by the end of the week!” 

 

Throughout all the one sided shouting, Seungkwan can barely hear Hansol’s answer. He can’t even bother to listen to this any longer. His eyes well up with hot emotion and he’s nearly ready to burst into that kitchen and tell this man to stop speaking to Hansol that way right now. Before he can even do that though, Soonyoung is maybe up out of his seat first and on the way to do just that. 

 

But then within the blink of an eye, Hansol comes rushing out of the kitchen. He struggles to tear his apron off but once it’s freed from his body, he throws it in the middle of the packed dining floor and wordlessly quits his job on the spot. Gasps and mumbled words from customers fill the room as he races out. Soonyoung doesn’t even have to ask where Seungkwan is going. He just asks Seungkwan is he needs him to come too, in which Seungkwan just shakes his head and chases Hansol out of the restaurant. He’s the one who decided to keep secrets after all. Once he made that choice and got himself into this trouble, he’s the only one who can get himself out of it. 


	15. a little understanding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is 10k instead of the usual 8k. It's a really long and rather important one. Please consider reading in two separate parts if you feel like that will be easier! 
> 
>  
> 
> also, you can talk to me at @citruseungkwan on twitter / tumblr !

As soon as Seungkwan saw Hansol throw down his apron and race out of the room, the only thought in his mind was to get up and chase after him. Unfortunately though, since it’s his first time coming here, Hansol has the upperhand in escaping out of the restaurant and disappearing out of sight within a few quick seconds. Seungkwan’s pretty sure he took the elevator down to the first floor but he doesn’t waste any time in waiting to press the button. He decides to sprint down the nearest staircase he sees in hopes to reach the bottom before Hansol can end up leaving in a taxi. 

His chest is heaving. Not only from the previous nerves but also because he’s running as fast as he possibly can. If he lets Hansol get away from him this time he knows that trying to explain himself will only look worse as time passes. He has to use this exact moment now before the chance slips away. And before Hansol might disappear from him too. 

When he hits the bottom of the staircase and winds his way around the entrance of the building, he doesn’t immediately see Hansol waiting outside there. His stomach sinks. All of the worries in his mind try to convince him that it’s too late. Hansol is already long gone. That’s what his anxieties want him to believe. But the constant persistence of Seungkwan’s optimism pushes him to keep going though. 

In between pacing around on the sidewalk and searching off in the distance between the constant crowds of people, he barely manages to catch view of Hansol’s work uniform turn into a nearby ally. There’s absolutely no hesitation as he rushes off in the same direction, heart racing and lungs just about to start aching from all the exertion by now.

“Stop…” Seungkwan pants out as he finally stands before Hansol, body all on edge as he’s aware that Hansol could just get up and run off again. “Please don’t go anywhere until you let me explain.” 

Hansol sits on the stoop of the backdoor of some other business, eyes dark and downcast low. Seungkwan doesn’t exactly think he’s going to run off again but he can’t be sure of anything right now. Both of them aren’t exactly acting like their usual selves under these circumstances. Not only has Seungkwan never been so cautious to approach Hansol but Hansol can barely bring himself to look Seungkwan in the eye. It’s a conversation that won’t be easy to start from either side. 

“Do I even have to ask anymore at this point?” Hansol drawls out slowly as he stares at the ground or the wall in front of him, anything but Seungkwan really as his shoe kicks at the pavement below. “You’re one of them, aren’t you?” 

Seungkwan sighs shakily. There’s no getting around the truth without hurting feelings. He just has to come out and explain everything before Hansol can even come up with anymore questions. “Yes. I am. I do the same job as Jeonghan, Junhui, and Soonyoung. I know it’s too late to say all of this but I wasn’t originally supposed to be a performer. I was just serving drinks at first, just like I had told you. But then Jihoon gave me the opportunity to sing on stage and the money was good and the exposure for my career was too good to pass up too… And I didn’t tell you because they guys told me about what happened in the past. I knew I was doing something that you hated so I couldn’t bring myself to tell you.” 

The silence in the air is suffocating. Seungkwan just wants to hear anything from him. Whether it just be one word or a long sigh or literally just anything that shows that Hansol is thinking about what he said. All that he can focus on instead is the muffled voices of crowds passing nearby on the street or the sounds of cars speeding and horns honking in the distance. The jumble of everything only makes him more nervous. He wants to shout out his reasoning out all over again just to get some sort of reaction from the other. 

Finally, Hansol leans back against the wall that he’s sitting against and slowly shakes his head. “I should start by saying that I don’t hate you, Seungkwan. I don’t think I ever could. I understand why you ended up taking the job. And if performing at Jihoon’s club truly makes you happy then I don’t think I could hate that part of your life either.” He admits to himself honestly, pausing in between his thoughts to let out a hesitant sigh. “But at the same time, I’m not sure that I want to accept it. It’s more that I’m not sure that I can accept it.” 

“Then don’t accept it.” Seungkwan decides suddenly as he takes a bold step towards Hansol, willing to say anything to make things work. “You don’t have to accept it because I don’t need you to. I won’t talk about it. I won’t try to bring my friends into your life. We can just go on like before, almost as if it never happened.” 

Hansol just smiles rather bitterly and shakes his head again. “That’s not really fair though. Not for either of us. Are you really going to be content trying to keep everything secret and hiding a major part of your life? That would be impossible for nearly any person.” 

“Working at Jihoon’s does make me happy but it’s not like I have to talk about it all the time. I have all my other friends to talk to about work stuff.” 

“That’s not such a small thing to avoid though.” Hansol tries to reason with him. “That’s too much pressure on you to keep those details of your life from me. And I don’t want you to feel like you can’t talk to me about certain subjects. Anyone would feel restrained if they had to put a filter on a certain part of their life. I don’t want to pressure you to do anything and I don’t know if I can even accept this part of you yet.” 

Seungkwan’s hands start to tremble. “What do you mean you can’t accept that part of me?” 

“You working there. I don’t think that’s something I can support.” 

“Then you don’t have to support it. Don’t think about it at all actually. I don’t have to involve my work life with our relationship.”   
“But is that really fair, Seungkwan?” Hansol asks as he tries to rationalize this. “How do you think I would feel like making you live like that? What kind of boyfriend would expect such a sacrifice about something that his partner truly likes doing? That’s not someone that I would want to be. That’s why I’m thinking that maybe it’s best if I just walk away from this now...” 

The intonation in Hansol’s voice scares him a bit. They’re walking on fragile waters now that Hansol actually throws out the words of actually leaving him. It only makes something in Seungkwan grow more committed to fighting for this. 

“But... we made it work, didn’t we?” Seungkwan asks out rather desperately, trying to show Hansol that nothing has to change between the two of them even despite all of this. “We made it work this whole time. I never talked about my job and you never talked about yours either. I mean, the full details that is. I don’t want to make it seem like I’m lessening the fact that I wasn’t telling the full truth but you weren’t either, Hansol. You told me you were a chef all of those times when in reality you’re just a waiter.” 

Something about Seungkwan’s words do something to further frustrate Hansol, making the male purse his lips together as he runs a hand through his hair stressfully. “It’s not the same situation though, Seungkwan. I know you can call it a lie for a lie, no wrongs doings there, but it’s really not like that. At all. If only you knew the real truth of what goes on in my life when you’re not around.” 

“I would have known if you just came forward and spoke honestly to me!” Seungkwan shouts out a little louder than he had wanted to. It was a result of all of his rising emotions boiling over the edge right now. “And I would have wanted to know, Hansol. I thought you were still being honest with me the whole time but even that wasn’t true. So what now? Do I have to find out much later now that everything is falling apart?” 

“How can I just tell you that my life at work is a living hell everyday?” Hansol responds back still rather calmly but clearly getting a little ticked off. “How can I tell you that they treat me like dirt here? Any small simple human mistake I make, I get treated like I’m trash? They embarrass me in front of the customers, they talk shit about me in the break room when they think I’m not around, and they overwork me to the point where my life only consists of slaving my ass off here in this restaurant? Do you think I could have just said that so easily, Seungkwan? Should I have really said that to you and corrected you all of the times you accidentally assumed that I was a chef? Maybe I should have told you the truth but it wasn’t that easy. I can barely admit to myself how ashamed that I am to even let my boss treat me like this… I’m so fucking pitiful here. And now I look stupid in front of everyone back there but most importantly, also you. To make things worse now I don’t even have a job at all because of what happened today. I just can’t take it anymore. I really fucking can’t.” 

As Seungkwan listens to all of Hansol’s reasons now, he can’t help himself from letting everything start to spill out. His eyes are so hot and ready to let out some emotion. He finds himself blinking away his tears from forming in an attempt to still look strong in front of Hansol. He hates this. He hates everything about this moment. He hates feeling frustrated enough to raise his voice at Hansol. He hates that he’s only making Hansol feel even worse about things. But what he hates the most is the fact that he knew absolutely nothing and had to find out this way. 

“I’m sorry.” Seungkwan confesses. “I don’t know how many things I’m sorry for. For lying to you. For accusing you of not being honest with me in order to make my lie look less bad. For not questioning more into why you were so down every night after work. For just being ignorant and not asking too many details about the private areas of your life so you wouldn’t ask about mine. Those are all things I’m sorry about. I’m sure there are more but everything seems so scrambled in my mind at this moment.” Seungkwan feels himself gritting his teeth and clenching his fists in resentment because of their difficult situation but he moves on. “But most of all, I’m sorry that you kept all of those things about your life from me. You didn’t want to tell me because you were trying to hold your walls high and protect yourself. If only I had knew, I could have given you whatever you needed and now it’s too late. You’ve just quit your job and it’s all over. I understand your reasons and it’s still too late.” 

“But…. do you know what else is too late, Hansol?” Seungkwan finds his voice quivering as he realizes the last part of what he wants to say. He doesn’t want to say it. He knows just saying the words would send him over the edge of holding everything in. The tears are going to start flowing out once the words do. “I can’t take back what I did either but I think I’ve realized that I didn’t make a mistake in not telling you after all. It was better off not telling you because I don’t think you’re ever going to accept me working in that bar. You’re not over the past yet. I should have realized it long ago. You can’t accept the fact that they guys reached out to you in the diner and tried to make things right again multiple times. You can’t accept the fact that Jihoon just stood up for you in front of your boss and is going to chew him out after the dinner. You can’t even accept the fact that all of the guys are so happy for me to be dating you. And it’s all because of what happened in the past because of that bar, nearly two years ago. Two whole years have passed and you still can’t bring yourself to trust me. Now you’re almost using this as an excuse to prove that you expected my to hurt you this whole time. And I never wanted to do that, Hansol! Never!” 

Seungkwan doesn’t like anything about this moment at all. It’s almost as if it were the worst possible thing that could happen between them. The two of them stuck in a dark alleyway, unable to look each other in the eye while they go back and forth saying all of these difficult words that are a little too close to the truth. There’s nothing that he wouldn’t give to go back a few minutes, an hour, a whole day even and just tell the truth before it came out so horribly like this. Now Seungkwan has wet tear tracks streaming all down his cheeks, nearly screaming out his heart to Hansol on the street here. 

“And maybe worst of all, Hansol, you can’t even say that you love me.” Seungkwan chokes out as he suppressed a sob from fully escaping his throat. “Maybe that’s the most unfair thing of all here because you look at me like you love me and certainly I can feel it. But you still don’t say it…” He watches Hansol open his mouth to say something but he just sniffles his tears away and continues on before the other can speak. “I know it’s not because I work at that club either because you wouldn’t have even known until now. So I’m left to wonder why and the only thing that I can come up with is that you’re still not over that time your ex betrayed you and left you for my co-workers instead. Are you really that insecure to think that my friendship with them is going to eventually take me away too? Or is it just my mere association with them that won’t allow you to fully accept me ever? Will you use this as an excuse to never trust anyone again after me too?”

“I do love you, Seungkwan.” Hansol suddenly looks up and locks eyes with him as he confesses, not allowing for any more misunderstandings between them. “I do love you. That’s not something that I want to bring into this conversation though. There was a time and place I wanted to save it for but I wasn’t ready to come out and say it just yet...” 

“But I have to bring it up because it matters, Hansol. It really fucking matters here.” Seungkwan raises one hand to wipe away at his eyes bitterly. He had wanted to hear those words so badly. Oh so badly. But never in this situation. It’s the cruel truth of what their relationship has turned into after all their secrets were out. “If you love me, then you can’t you accept that I’m happy working at the bar with the guys? I’m happy singing every night there. I’m happy just being friends with the guys and spending my time with them. I’m happy talking to my fans and the loyal customers. That’s a huge part of my life. You don’t have to like it but you at least have to accept it. Is that really too much to ask?” 

“I don’t know, Seungkwan… I honestly don’t know what to think anymore.” Hansol admits as he finally stands up with a sigh and stuffs his hands into his pockets. “I’m going to need time.” 

“You’re going to need a lot of time because even though I love you, I would be absolutely stupid to throw away all of the progress I’ve made towards my dream there.” Seungkwan decides resolutely, unable to go along with the false promises of forgetting this ever happened before. “I don’t believe in making ultimatums. I’m not going to sacrifice my job over a boy. I’m not going to sacrifice my happiness over you. And you don’t have to sacrifice your happiness for me either. If you really do love me, then I think you can understand and accept me for who I am and still feel confident in accepting that.” 

As one of Seungkwan’s hands reaches upwards to wipe away the remaining droplets of tears that stain his cheeks, he vows to stop crying over this any longer. He’s said his piece and Hansol has said his own. There’s nothing that they can do but wait and give each other some time. 

Hansol looks like he doesn’t have much to say anymore either. He’s grown rather antsy with himself, starting to pace around a little with his hands moving uncertainty within his jean pockets. Both of them are unsure with what to do next, but he’s the first to make a move to get out of there.

“I guess I should head home now.” Hansol admits with a hesitant shrug, now finally taking the moment to glance up at Seungkwan tentatively. “I don’t have a job anymore so I should start searching again.” 

Now that Hansol hints that he’s going to leave, and possibly for quite awhile, a single thought strikes Seungkwan’s mind. The Christmas present. He never had the chance to give it to him. This isn’t the exact circumstance he was hoping to present it to Hansol in but it’s more like it’s now or never if he doesn’t do it now. Before Hansol can walk past him he reaches out and grabs his arm. 

“Wait…” Seungkwan’s voice comes out more weak than he had intended, not sounding firm in it’s message of stopping Hansol after all. “I wanted to tell you this at another time but I have airplane tickets for you. I bought them for your Christmas present but the moment was never right to hand them over. They’re for your hometown so that you can visit your family for the holidays. And hey, now that you don’t have work you could go and spend as much time as you’d like.” 

As Seungkwan says the last part in an attempt to bring a little bit of his signature optimism in this situation, he can’t help but feel like he’s lying to himself. He’s trying to smile after he says the words but it’s all too forced. In reality he wishes that Hansol wouldn’t leave after all. Now that things are all messed up between them he’s all too aware of the risk that Hansol might not actually come back after all. It’s kind of funny in a way. How he knows that this could possibly mean Hansol leaving forever. But still, all of his own feelings aside, there would be no way he could possibly keep him from feeling the joy of visiting his family after such a long time. 

He starts to feel his eyes stinging again so he’s quick to look away to anywhere other than Hansol. “I’ll leave them in your mailbox… or slip them under your door…but I think now would be a good time to go and think about things.” As Seungkwan says this, he realizes that it’s almost like his final bid farewell to Hansol. After this they’ll go their separate ways for awhile. It’s a sad reality but there’s no avoiding it at the time being. All he can really do is hope that there will be another time in the future where everything feels right between them again. 

Unexpectedly, he feels Hansol’s hand slide into his own. It’s warm and soft, but somehow lacking it’s usual familiarness. The hands wraps around and squeezes Seungkwan’s own, holding on tight for the moment. Seungkwan still can’t bear to look at Hansol but he lingers on everything to listen to his last words. 

“I’m touched that you would remember something that I told you so long ago.” Hansol speaks as the shared hold between their hands shakes with the wind. “I was always thankful for you caring about all of the small things I would mention. I really do miss mom and Sofia so I think I will go visit them for awhile. I’m not sure when exactly I’ll be back but… I’ll let you know.”

All Seungkwan can really do is nod and continue glancing at the ground. He doesn’t dare to look at Hansol right now. One look into those light brown eyes and he knows he’ll only become more desperate to prevent him from leaving now. And he can’t do that. He knows it’s still probably for the best. For the both of them actually. So he only holds onto Hansol’s hand a little longer before the other gives it a reassuring squeeze and starts to take his leave. 

 

Seungkwan listens to his footsteps echoing against the alleyway tight walls, and only until they’re far away enough that he decides to turn around and take one last look at Hansol’s back retreating into the distance. He loves him so much. But there’s only so much love Seungkwan can offer to Hansol before he finally makes the move to get over the past and comes to terms with things. 

Surely Seungkwan had thought that he’d feel a sense of longing as he watched Hansol walk away. But as he stared at the other’s back retreat into the distance, more than anything else, he felt a strange sense of relief. 

 

. . . . . 

 

After he takes a few moments to collect himself, Seungkwan walks out of the alleyway and rounds around to the front of the restaurant. He’s not surprised to see Soonyoung there waiting for him. Perhaps he even looks more worried than Seungkwan himself in this moment. Although Seungkwan can manage to smile in the slightest just from seeing him waiting there, Soonyoung’s distressed frown doesn’t fade in the slightest. 

As Seungkwan approaches him he reaches up to ruffle at the silky black hair on the elder’s head. “Now why do you look so upset too? This isn’t even your problem but you look like you’re going through more than me.” 

“I just saw Vernon leave…” Soonyoung mumbles out as his eyes search off in the direction he must have gone in. “I was hoping that you’d make it out together actually…” 

The rather hopeless tone of his voice attempts to try and bring Seungkwan’s small smile away. It really does shake something up in him but he tries his best to feel completely confident in his decision to let Hansol go. “I know.” He says as his hand pauses and lays still atop of Soonyoung’s head, almost as if he’s still slowly coming to terms with accepting it too. “That would have been the best outcome but I think everything that happened was for the best. Hansol decided to visit his hometown for the holidays and take some time to think everything through. It seems like a little space will be good for him.” 

The news seemingly doesn’t do anything to soothe any of Soonyoung’s worries away though. If anything he only looks even more troubled knowing that Hansol is actually going to end up leaving. Perhaps in an attempt to distract himself he finds himself not responding in favor of walking out to the street in an attempt to hail a taxi. It takes a few moments of rushing back and forth and waving his hand around to finally get one to notice but eventually he’s successful. More than anything Seungkwan just wants to leave. He’s so emotionally exhausted. Anywhere but here would feel much better rather than reliving all of the details of their fight near the alleyway. 

“Come and stay at our place.” Soonyoung suggests suddenly as they slide into the cab’s back seat. “While you were gone Jeonghan messaged me and insisted on it.” 

Seungkwan just lets out a long tired sigh. “I’m not sure, Soon.” He says as he lets his head rest against the cool glass of the window, feeling it to be a tiny source of relaxation amidst all of the chaos that today was. “I have a lot to think about too. ’m not sure if I just want to be alone or not and I mean, I don’t think any drinking or partying is going to do anything for me this time.” 

“No, of course not. That’s not what I meant at all.” Soonyoung insists quite seriously with the shake of his head. “Jeonghan wants you to stay with us. For a night or for a few days, however long you need.”

Seungkwan is still a little apprehensive but he’s listening.

“I don’t think you should go back to your place for a little while either. This city can be a horribly lonely place when you’re feeling down. Especially when you’re living alone and you won’t even be able to hear him on the other side anymore either...” 

Soonyoung is right. Completely so. The feeling of complete silence coming from Hansol’s side of the wall would surely bring tears to his eyes without fail. He hadn’t even thought about how lonely he would feel living there without Hansol’s neighboring presence. He’s become too familiar with hearing him preparing for work in the morning, with small little bumps and muffled music in the night, or the ever constant wafts of his deliciously cooked food somehow always managing to find its way into his own apartment. Now that he’s considered living without it, he doesn’t think that he’ll be able to handle it. It would make him feel far too lonely. 

“Maybe I will stay for a little while.” Seungkwan decides as he lets his eyes shut, feeling completely drained at this point. “Just stop by my house real quick so I can prepare a few things.” 

Soonyoung takes the initiative in letting their driver know where to head next and their car finally sets out across the city. It’s a quiet ride but Seungkwan doesn’t mind at all. He might not actually be able to sleep but just closing his eyes is enough to give him peace of mind and a little bit of much needed relaxation. About five or ten minutes of this silence continues on before he hears Soonyoung’s voice faintly calling out to him. 

“Seungkwan?” 

“Hm?” 

“I’m… I’m sorry.” He confesses, his voice sounding deep with regret. “I was the one who told you not to let him know about your job in the first place.” 

Seungkwan’s eyes flick over to take a look at his elder, whose so steadily looking down that he can’t manage to look him in the eye either. So this is the reason behind why Soonyoung had looked so distressed earlier. Seungkwan manages lets out a small sigh as he reaches over and gives the other’s arm a playful shake. “Hey, I can’t have you trying to put blame on yourself too. I already have so many other things to worry about.” 

Although Seungkwan can still get by with the smallest attempt of a smile, Soonyoung still can’t seem to shake off his feelings of guilt. “But it was me. I was the one who told you about our group’s involvement with Hansol in the first place. I told you why things would be awkward between us and why he hated the bar so much. If I hadn’t of told you anything back then, then maybe things wouldn’t have ended up this way.” 

Soonyoung’s far too considerate of other people’s feelings. That’s something he’s always thought about the other. Seungkwan is the one supposed to be having the hard time here, yet he’s still trying to take the blame for the situation by dwelling on all of the tiny details. Of course Seungkwan wouldn’t blame him for anything at all though. That’s why he finds it kind of funny actually. As he lets out a soft laugh, he reaches up and pinches at Soonyoung’s rather puffy cheek instead. 

“But because you told me back then, I think I was able to understand everyone’s side much more clearly. And because of that, I was able to make my own decisions in terms of growing closer to everyone involved.” Seungkwan assures him honestly, yet he doesn’t stop patting at the male’s cheek until the smallest hint of a smile returns and Soonyoung tries to swat him away bashfully. “If anything, I think that your words actually helped me back then. I don’t think you’ve ever realized it but you think a lot about other people’s feelings, Soon. Because you care so much and notice the reasons behind why people are the way they are, I think I was able to prevent hurting anyone’s feelings. Even in the end, after all this, Hansol and I aren’t on bad terms with each other.” 

Even though Soonyoung pushed Seungkwan’s hand away from his face, the small but heartfelt smile that he had managed to find there lingered afterwards. It was almost as if all of the worries had been wiped away by Seungkwan’s realization of his character as well. “You really think so?” 

“I know so.” Seungkwan replies back with a slow but certain nod. “But even if you still feel sorry for me, I won’t forgive you because I never blamed you in the first place. There is no one to blame. Not me, or you, or that Joshua guy, or even Hansol.” 

After Soonyoung listens to his words and thinks about it for a moment, he even laughs a little to himself before revealing his next thought. “Okay then but I guess if I still feel guilty for some reason, I should just make up for it later with a sappy movie and a lot of ice cream, huh?” 

When he offers this as a consolation prize, Seungkwan can finally laugh a little at that. “Don’t forget all of the takeout food too.” 

“Oh, I could not forget that.” Soonyoung insists, reaching out his pinky towards Seungkwan’s own. “It’s a promise.” 

Seungkwan lets his little finger wrap around Soonyoung’s own and they complete the deal, all while Soonyoung’s eye smile finally starts to reach his eyes again. And as for Seungkwan, he’s trying to feel more comfortable with the reality that’s been forcefully brought to him today. It won’t be easy but with friends as good as Soonyoung by his side, he feels like he might be able to withstand just anything. 

 

. . . . . 

 

When the two of them finally arrive at Soonyoung’s shared apartment, Seungkwan is quickly and almost forcefully pushed into the bedroom that all three of the males inhabit. The elder insists that he just relaxes for awhile, take a nap, watch some netflix, literally anything he could ever want to do as long as it’s calm and not related to thinking about Hansol. Seungkwan appreciates his persistence in trying to get him to chill out for a while and although he’s not so physically tired, maybe a nap would help get his mind off things. It certainly couldn’t hurt any. 

He picks Soonyoung’s bed and the other rushes to tuck him into bed much like a mother would to her child. Or at least he tries to. Seungkwan is pretty quick in assuring him that he’s perfectly fine doing it himself. Soonyoung still manages to goofily pat at his legs and even his but a little before Seungkwan threatens to kick at him. Soon runs away screaming about how he’s going to prepare an amazing dinner since they couldn’t exactly eat at the fancy restaurant. Seungkwan just wishes he doesn’t burn anything… 

And then he’s left all alone. He can barely hear Soonyoung in the distance now. Near silence fills the room.

He’s all on his own now. And he will be for awhile. 

Realizing this doesn’t feel good at all. Being alone is not exactly something he’s used to. Nearly all of his days have been filled with the expectations of seeing Hansol throughout their frequent meetings. He was always waiting for their next accidental meeting, their planned friendly hangouts, onto their actual dates, and then eventually waiting for Hansol to come home from work and finally kiss him after a long day spend waiting. Now he has nothing to wait for. He has no idea when Hansol will come back. Or if he ever will. 

To say the feeling of realizing this is like a punch to the gut isn’t too short of the truth. It hurts too much. Now tears are streaming out uncontrollably. He can barely breath by how fast the feelings consume him. All he wants to do is scream and shout and plead for Hansol to never even think about leaving him. But he can’t. He can’t even make any noise. Nothing would even come out if he tried. It just hurts that bad. All he can do is sob and wish for this to be over quickly. Or at least let him grow more used to and unphased by their separation. 

The only thing he can do now is pull the blankets over his head and let it all out. 

After all, he’s alone now. Not like anyone could hear him anyways. 

 

. . . . . 

 

Seungkwan’s not sure of what time it is by the time he’s roused out of sleep. He feels someone touching him. There’s soft fingers carding through his hair, faintly with the soft delicacy of someone trying to soothe all of his nightmares away. He wishes everything really was just one really bad nightmare but then as soon as he tries to open his eyes, they feel swollen and rather dry from all of the tears previously shed. It was all real. It all really happened. 

He tries to shut his eyes and will himself to sleep the rest of the day away but the voice of the person speaks out to him. 

“You’re awake now, aren’t you?” He recognizes the voice to be none other than Jeonghan. Seungkwan is kind of startled to hear that it’s him. The male isn’t exactly known to engage in skinship very often. In rare occasions he can be seen coddling Jun or giving into a hug with Soonyoung but never with Seungkwan. He never asked about it but it’s probably due to them only growing close recently. The fact that he’s been here stroking his hair for awhile now is a little surprising for Seungkwan.   
Seungkwan can’t really hide the fact that he’s awake now. “I don’t exactly want to be...” 

“I just wanted to talk to you about something. I’ll let you sleep the rest of the day away once I’m done.” 

Now Seungkwan is a little more surprised, and even a bit confused at this point. It’s not just everyday that his elder comes to him wanting to talk either. Don’t get him wrong, he really cares about Jeonghan and he’d call him a good friend, but there’s always been something a little different about the relationship they share compared to the other guys. He’s always felt more close with Soonyoung and Jun, while he looked up to Jeonghan more like a respected older brother. 

Soon and Jun are the type of friends that he can fool around with, say whatever, act like an idiot and get into a whole lot of trouble with. However, when it comes to Jeonghan, he has always seemed more like a hyung that he had to act a certain way around. He’s the leader of the group after all. Because Seungkwan respects him so much he can’t exactly just grab him and initiate in skinship or act like a fool in his presence all too often. It’s just not the way their relationship worked. 

“Sure.” Seungkwan says, just preparing to listen as he pulls the blankets over his face a little bit more in attempts to cover the swollenness. “What do you want to talk about?” 

Jeonghan shifts his weight into the bed more comfortably, adjusting himself to sit beside Seungkwan. “I’m not really sure where to start really.” He admits with a sigh. “I don’t want to tell you some giant long story that’s only going to make things worse but I think that there’s a few things you should know. Or I would like you to know.” 

As soon as Jeonghan starts his sentence, Seungkwan just knows that he’s about to talk about his own situation with Hansol. The one that ended so badly that made a second appearance today, nearly two years later. Seungkwan had only known the bare details. Now that it’s all ready to come out, he’s not exactly sure he wants to know anymore. Not after all that happened today. 

“Do I really need to hear all of the details?” Seungkwan asks out almost bitterly. “It can’t change anything that happened.”

“You’re right. It can’t. I know that all too well. But I think for my conscious I need to say something. I don’t like the feeling of holding it all in my chest.” 

Seungkwan thinks for a moment before starting to realize what he’s getting at. “If you’re thinking that I’m blaming sitting here and blaming you too, I’m not. I don’t blame anyone actually. I don’t know why everyone feels so guilty about-” 

“Because we were involved, Seungkwan.” Jeonghan says rather calmly but still with a hint of anger in his voice as he cuts him off. “We were all there. We saw everything happen. We didn’t stop it. And in my case, maybe I was the one who fucked everything up in the first place. I just want you know the truth because frankly, maybe you should be blaming me.” 

“Maybe you were involved.” Seungkwan mumbles out rather stubbornly. “I don’t like this whole blame game thing though. All that matters to me is that me and Hansol take this time apart to really think about what we want and what to do from here. You can tell me whatever you want but it’s not going to change anything.” 

Jeonghan can only sigh and shake his head. “Are you even willing to listen if I tell you?” 

“Only if you think it helps.” 

The elder doesn’t waste much time in getting straight into the details with things. “Listen, I’ve been going back and forth in my mind with this story, trying to get it all right while putting on a fake face through that dinner. It was hard to organize everything that happened and try to understand why but I think I made some progress….” 

“I’m listening.” Seungkwan speaks up to reassure him as he noticed the other pause for a second. “I won’t fall back asleep.” 

“Alright then.” Jeonghan clears his throat slightly before continuing on. It’s almost as if he’s still uncertain about even telling Seungkwan the whole truth but he’s trying the best. “I’ve worked for Jihoon for about eight years now. That’s a long time for someone in our job position. I don’t want to use it as an excuse but it’s the only reason that seems to affect my actions. I have to mention this first so you can understand me.” 

“You could call me Jihoon’s right hand man. I would do practically anything for that man and I’m sure everyone can see that by now. Not only did he find me and introduced me into the beautiful world of show business, but he took me out of another very dangerous job position. I’m not going to talk about this lightly, Seungkwan. But I was an escort. I did services for adults. Nearly anything you could imagine, I had probably done it. I don’t need to go into the details why but that’s where I was and those were the things that I was doing. Maybe mentioning this will help you understand the whole story too.” 

The elder takes a moment to collect his thoughts, pushing some of his hair back behind his ear distractedly. “Once Jihoon brought me into his bar, it was almost like a miracle had happened to me. I didn’t have to work at the bottom of society anymore. I wasn’t in danger. I had a stable income and a safe place to live, all provided by Jihoon. And I absolutely loved what I did. My job as a performer introduced me to singing, dancing, choreographing, styling, hell, I learned new things everyday just working there. And all of my hard work seemed to be pulling off. I was always ranked #1 out of all the other entertainers and I was the crowd favorite every single year. It was almost like a dream come true…. but I knew that I couldn’t last at the top forever. That’s how showbusiness is. I was getting older. New younger and more talented hosts would be hired. More bars like ours would open up in the area. It was only a ticking time bomb for me. I was starting to slip on the rankings and I grew desperate. I needed that #1 spot. Not only for the safety of keeping my job, but the safety of my life. I couldn’t go back to escorting. I suffered so much under the hands of rich business men who would take advantage of me. Hell, I would rather die than go back to providing for them.” Jeonghan clicks his tongue rather annoyedly as he relives the memories. 

“Seungkwan, have you ever wondered why everyone calls me the king of customer service? They say I know every trick in the book and I can make a client faint within the wink of an eye and the fluttering of my eyelashes. Those type of rumours started because I had to keep my number one spot. I learned how to manipulate people. I knew how to entice people, show them enough interest to where they would think I genuinely liked them, that it wasn’t just some bar and some show. I made countless fans using my skills and they helped me raise back to the top #1 spot. But why did I ever fight so hard for it in the first place, huh? I bet you’re wondering that next.” 

Seungkwan manages to nod before getting his elder to continue. 

“Jihoon hired a new performer at the bar. His name was Joshua and he was undeniably handsome. He was exactly my age, also a singer and definitely more skilled than me. Not only that, but he was charasmatic too. He had these soft eyes that would make you feel like you meant the whole world to him when they were focused on you. Joshua was extremely talented but even more than that, he was sincere. He really cared about the people who became his fans. I think that was what I envied the most.” Jeonghan admits as he tips his head to the side and thinks for a moment. “And because I envied him, I wanted to destroy him. I wanted to take that #1 spot, keep it to myself, and never even give him the possibility that he would ever have a chance to take it for himself.” 

“It’s a horribly selfish thought, right?” Jeonghan laughs to himself bitterly, not even managing to look at Seungkwan anymore. “I genuinely didn't want him to succeed more than me because of my insecurities. I probably would have actually sabotaged him if I had the chance. But I never did and there’s a reason why. Jihoon made him stick to my side for training. I had all intentions to hate him. I wanted to hate him. But I just couldn’t. He was so kind to me. So interested in the job and genuinely talented at performing. The audience loved him. He made fans the first night he went out on stage. And even worse, the worst possibility of all, I had realized that he was something special too. Soon, my eyes started to follow him around the bar during my shifts. I would look for excuses to bump into him while passing by the drink counter. I even secretly convinced Jihoon to let us have a duet stage. And people loved us. They called us the perfect pair. They started requesting for more of us as a duo. Jihoon kept planning more stages for us to perform together and we were constantly attached to the hip, just like his first days at the bar. It was quite cute actually. We were a hosting pair made in heaven, the two of us, climbing the charts of the most popular list every month. With me in the #1 spot and Joshua by my side in the #2.” 

“You would have thought that I was growing insecure with him following in my lead so closely, right? I wish I could have told you it was that simple. Things went the exact opposite way of what I had originally wanted actually. We had started to dance a little more closely on stage. We’d flirt a little even when we weren’t supposed to be working. Then we’d kiss on stage just to get a reaction but find ourselves sharing small kisses here and there backstage. This is before there were rules preventing all of these things. Now the rules are in place due to what happened next.”

Jeonghan takes a moment to exhale slowly. “I was the one who fell in love first. I didn’t care if Joshua would take that #1 spot away from me. Maybe I even wanted him to. I think I was his biggest fan of all. I adored everything about him and all of his talents. I wanted those soft brown eyes to look at me and only look at me alone. And Joshua did give me everything I needed from him. He didn’t seem to mind treating me like he loved me when we were on stage or off. But that was limited to the bar or private places only. See, I knew he had a boyfriend. I didn’t know it was Hansol at the time but I knew someone had the spot other than me. I decided to be ignorant about it though. I didn’t think it mattered if he had anyone else because he was the one fooling around with me. It thought it was only him who was committing the wrong in the situation.” 

“Then a little while later, Jihoon had hired a new bodyguard to be working with us at the bar. He said he was another old friend and to get along closely. Seungcheol, the current bodyguard is the same age as Joshua and I. We welcomed into our circle and became fast friends. When Seungcheol wasn’t working he’d hang out in our breakroom with us and even come home with us after shifts to drink and get even more wild.” As Jeonghan reminisces a bit, there was a hint of a smile on his face. “I really liked Seungcheol back then and so did Joshua. It almost seemed like the three of us were a new group. We had a lot of fun times together. It continued on for awhile, getting closer and closer until eventually some lines were crossed. You see, I had liked Joshua and I believed that he’d continue being special to me always. Only me. But when Seungcheol had entered the mix, he had started giving him affection too. I was against it at first but Joshua wasn’t mine either. I couldn’t tell him what he could or couldn’t do with Seungcheol. We were all young and stupid and making decisions based on the whims of each day. I had honestly believed that if somehow all three of us became lovers, then I would eventually have some of Joshua all to myself one day. Maybe if I waited he’d commit to me only. That’s a stupid dream now that I think about it.”

As Jeonghan lets out somewhat of a nervous laugh to belittle himself, Seungkwan furrows his brow and shakes his head. “No. I think that because you truly loved him you were trying to think of anything that would make him happy. You were pressured to go along with a decision you weren’t comfortable with and hoped that it would still turn out good in the end because you did love him. And love can be stupid. It makes people do stupid things. It was never you who was stupid.”   
“I didn't hate it though.” Jeonghan admits with a small shrug. “I can’t say it was the best fit though either. I didn’t care to be honest. If it was the way Joshua wanted things to be, then I would go along with it. Seungcheol was a great person after all. I mean he still is. I just can’t talk to him anymore. There’s just too much bad air between us that I’m not sure where to even start approaching him again. We’re fine with pretending that neither of us exist at this point, but sometimes I feel resentment towards him. That’s why I get frustrated sometimes when he lingers around too closely. Sometimes he looks at me like he still cares about me and it makes me uncomfortable.”

“Why?” Seungkwan draws out curiously. “Why would that make you uncomfortable?” 

“You wouldn’t understand because I haven’t told you the ending yet. We all started our love affair and it continued on for about three months or so. It was all in private with occasional interactions between me and Joshua on stage, just to get the audience all hyped up. But then there was one day where everything all came crashing down. Joshua and I had performed a routine together. I moved onto my station at the bar instead and I had met a new customer. He seemed like a pretty young kid, probably just out of high school at the time. I’m not sure how he got in without an ID in the first place but I had started making a conversation with him. But something was really peculiar… he had a lot of questions about whether or not my act with Joshua was all an act or not. Like with all of our fans I can imply a little here and there but this kid genuinely seemed nice and I felt like I could trust him. So I leaned in his ear and whispered that we were indeed dating in real life. I even made a stupid comment saying ‘keep it to yourself, kid.’ and winked… if only I had known who I was talking to at that time…” 

Seungkwan inhaled sharply. “Don’t tell me that was Hansol.” 

“It was. But I didn’t know that immediately. This kid came back to the bar the next week and the week after that. All he would do is stand by and watch the performance with a serious look on his face so I just thought he was some devoted fan. If I was walking through the crowd I would stop and make small talk with him and ask how my performance with Josh was. I’d ask if our feelings for each other were obvious. I’d ask if he thought Joshua really liked me. God, I was so oblivious to the fact that he was there as Joshua’s boyfriend. It was practically like me torturing him. I felt absolutely horrible once I found out. But before you’re going to ask, did Joshua know he was there? No, he didn’t. It turns out Hansol had been visiting for a few weeks in a row to get the proof he needed.” 

“Then what happened?” Seungkwan interrupts. “How did everything go so wrong?” 

“Hansol went to Jihoon and proved his relation to Joshua somehow. We all finished our shift for the night and were heading back to the break room. The door opened and I see that same kid from earlier sitting on the couch and just waiting there. Joshua walks in, hand in hand with Seungcheol who doesn’t get what’s going on either. He had no idea there was a boyfriend involved. So unknowingly, he ends up placing some kisses on Joshua’s face as they walk into the room, they hadn’t noticed that Hansol has been sitting there all along. Me, being the clueless dumbass that I am, is confused but I greet the customer happily. I thought it was some VIP guest of Jihoon’s so I was just acting as usual. But then once I see Joshua’s expression, it’s almost like everything clicks. This kid is Joshua’s boyfriend.” 

Jeonghan sighs heavily before continuing on. “I can’t even tell you what happened next. It’s all such a blur. There’s arguing back and forth, not just from Joshua and Hansol, but also from Seungcheol and myself. Everyone is hurt in someway from not knowing the whole truth. It just becomes a mess of hurt feelings and misunderstandings and no one gets out unscathed. Hansol is the one who gets hurt the worst possibly. Joshua outright tells that poor boy that he’s leaving him for Seungcheol. Not only is he leaving Hansol, but the two of them are leaving me as well. I couldn’t even bother to feel upset because all I could feel was rage in that moment. He hurt such a nice boy and had the nerve to throw me aside as well. Suddenly my fist went flying and I threw myself at Joshua, swinging all out like some kind of crazy lunatic. Hansol got in the middle and tried to stop it, but Seungcheol mistook him for going after Joshua too so he went after him. It took minutes later for Jihoon to hear everything and come rushing in to pull me off Joshua. I can’t say it was a proud moment for either of us. Both of us look absolutely scratched to shit once we were pulled apart. Hansol got hurt too, just because of the misunderstanding but actually putting a fight up against Seungcheol too. It was all messy. All too messy.” 

“I think part of the reason that I resent Seungcheol isn’t because he accidentally fought with Hansol. It was because he hurt my pride the most. I had agreed to become part of a trio but he had eyes for Joshua all along. So did I, but I was committed to the group for Joshua’s sake as well. I feel like the two of them conspired against me. But once Jihoon found out all of the details, he fired Joshua immediately. He told Seungcheol that if he was going to keep Josh in his life then he’d have to lose his job as well. Then Cheol broke things off with Joshua and stayed working at the bar. I had to see him everyday. I had to pretend everything was alright between us. He occasionally tried to be soft with me and I would cut him down everytime. My pride isn’t something that I can regain so easily.” 

As Seungkwan listens to Jeonghan’s words he can tell that the elder is still quite tormented about these memories. If anything, he’s still holding onto a lot of anger. Perhaps he wasn’t coming from a place of guilt earlier. Maybe he genuinely needed to clear his chest from holding all of this in, and Seungkwan was the only one who could understand him. 

Seungkwan purses his lips as he thinks for a moment. “I feel like I should say ‘so what happens next?’ but I already know what happens. Hansol takes this time to focus on getting better with himself. I take this time and truly come clean with the secrets I was hiding from him. But what about you, Jeonghan? Are you going to use this time to truly let go of some of your animosity towards Seungcheol?” 

“I wasn’t planning on it. Not this soon.” Jeonghan admits as he draws his knees up to his chest and hugs them. “I’m hurt too, Seungkwan. I don’t like to show it but I’m still hurt deep down. But I’m also stubborn. I don’t think I can just go on forgetting everything that happened.” 

“I don’t want you to forget everything that happened.” Seungkwan insists as he makes the move to sit up a little, choosing to sit directly next to Jeonghan’s side instead. “But I can see that you’re still torn up about it, and you’re hiding that pain with anger and sometimes a bad attitude instead. And you don’t have to do that, Jeonghan. You could start by being a little more kind to Seungcheol. Instead of just looking at him like he doesn’t exist, start small. You could at least ask him how he’s doing and what he’s up to lately. Just small talk.” 

“It would be easier getting past this rough patch… definitely…” He insists with a long sigh as he rests his head atop his knees tiredly. “It’s going to be a lot of work though.” 

“Yeah, but think of how good it’s going to feel in the long run.” Seungkwan mentions quietly as he makes the small move of resting his head on Jeonghan’s shoulder. He’s taking a chance but he notices that the elder doesn’t flinch once he settles there. He lets out a calm sigh and closes his eyes. “This is too much talking for today though. Let’s just rest and think about everything tomorrow.” 

Jeonghan doesn’t say anything more but Seungkwan’s thinking that he agrees. He falls asleep with his breaths evening out just moments later, his head resting softly atop Seungkwan’s own.

 

….. 

 

Seungkwan doesn’t leave the bed for awhile. Maybe even a whole other day or two at that. Soonyoung hasn’t tried to slide in beside him so he’s presumably sleeping on the couch. Seungkwan’s been doing a lot of sleeping. He doesn’t feel like eating much or doing anything while he is awake, but he does get a lot of thinking done. He’s starting to feel a little bit more okay about the way things turned out. That doesn’t mean that there aren’t hard moments to every day though. Sometimes he thinks he’s making enough progress and then a memory will come up and he’s back to step one of accepting his reality all over again. The guys understand.

They give him enough space when he needs it, as well as enough affection when he craves it. 

He’s used to everyone coming in to check on him every so often though. Their attempts to cheer him up are nice but honestly, Seungkwan would prefer to be left to his thoughts most of the time. 

As for today, a brand new morning on day three, Soonyoung walks into the room with a beaming smile on his face. He can barely contain himself. “Boo, you’re not going to believe the surprise that just showed up for you!” 

Seungkwan’s honestly about to roll his eyes and ask what kind of food Soon ordered now but before he can ask, his jaw nearly falls to the floor in complete shock. 

Lee Chan walks into the doorway and shoots him a little smile with a wave. 

Seungkwan practically screams as he jumps out of bed and brings his best friend into a hug.


	16. just for tonight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for waiting for me patiently and supporting my little writing hiatus.  
> i will be able to post updates more regularly from this point on so i hope you can look forward to all that's to come! 
> 
> in this chapter we finally get more minghao, mingyu and also the introduction of a whole new character (who will definitely have more parts in the upcoming chapters but couldn't fit much in this one due to the word count, & i just wanted to get this out for those who were waiting for so long!)

Seungkwan can’t believe it. 

 

His best friend is really here standing right in front of his eyes. 

 

Chan is finally here after being separated across an entire ocean, a whole country, and even fourteen or so hours of distance. He’s finally here. Seungkwan wastes no time in wrapping his arms around his unexpected guest, clutching him close enough so that it finally feels real. Chan just laughs under his breath before letting go of his luggage to hug him back. His voice is so familiar and comfortable that now he feels like crying all over again. However this time, his eyes are stinging with almost overflowing tears of happiness instead. Chan makes him feel just like he’s back at home. 

 

“Oh my god, how are you even here right now?” Seungkwan asks distractedly as he pulls back enough to see Chan’s face and examine it closely. That signature kind smile hadn’t changed at all during this time away but maybe he grew slightly taller. Seungkwan’s secretly a bit envious of that. “Why are you here? How did you know?” 

 

“Your friend Soonyoung called me.” Chan explains with a grin, tipping his head back to Soonyoung, who is watching on not so secretly from back in the living room. “He happened to mention some of the things that have been going on and thought it would be a good time for me to visit and help get your mind off of things.” 

 

“You’re very welcome!” Soonyoung enthusiastically winks at him in the background before laughing wildly and running off somewhere else. 

 

As Seungkwan stares back and forth between the empty place that Soonyoung left behind and back to his best friend’s face, he still can’t believe all of this is happening. His mouth has been hanging open in shock for a while already. He only realizes that it’s been left gaping this whole time when Chan finally reaches out to push his chin closed with a laugh. 

 

“Hey, I  get it. I know this is a huge surprise.” Chan insists as he lets Seungkwan go in favor of flopping down on the nearby bed instead. “I couldn’t believe it either when I received a call from your phone and it was Soonyoung instead. I mean, I had only heard of him from what you mentioned but I never expected him to be so open and friendly enough to contact me. It seemed like you had told him a lot about me a lot too, huh? ” 

 

“Of course, Chan. Why wouldn’t I brag about you to my new friends? It’s not like I’m going to forget about you completely.” Seungkwan chuckles under his breath at the ridiculousness of his question and plops down beside him. Although they haven’t seen each other in such a long time there’s no awkwardness between the two of them. That’s how it’s always been between them. But from Seungkwan’s side of things, he’s kind of worried that the guys ended up telling Chan before he got the chance to. He doesn’t want to seem like he’s hiding things from the other in any way. He just wasn’t ready to come out and say everything that happened because he simply wasn’t ready. 

 

“I can’t believe you actually came though….” Seungkwan drawls out distractedly as he lays down beside the other, hands resting under his head comfortably. He finds himself staring at the ceiling to ease some of his apprehension about starting the conversation. “So… how bad did Soon make everything sound?” 

 

Chan tips his head to the side and lets out a humming noise in thought. “Hm, well, I wouldn’t say he left any details out. But even though so many things happened while I wasn’t around, that doesn’t mean that we have to talk about them. I think Soonyoung had the idea of calling me here to come and cheer you up, not to linger and talk about everything.” 

 

As Chan stares up at the blank white ceiling along with him, Seungkwan lets out a calm sigh of relief that he didn’t exactly know he was holding in. “Besides, I think that’s the best option too. I always told you that I wanted to visit someday so it doesn’t matter if I had to come a little sooner than expected. I still want my tour after all.” 

 

As Seungkwan remembers his past promises to Chan and all of the plans that they had originally made in the process of moving away, it almost feels like it was just yesterday that they were huddled in the back of the small soup restaurant they used to work at together. He remembers that as soon as there would be no customers, they’d brainstorm all of these crazy New York ideas and dreams. Not only were they for Seungkwan’s sake, but in planning of Chan’s eventual future visit as well. 

 

He’s right after all. The circumstances weren’t exactly what he had been hoping for but at least Chan is finally here. That’s all that really matters after all. It might be nice to go back to the simpler times before moving to New York and Chan’s company can put him back in that state of mind. He can forget about his job, all of his priorities, and even Hansol for a little while too. 

 

“I’m happy you’re here. I think I needed to take a break from everything for awhile. Maybe you’re my excuse to go and do just that.” Seungkwan admits honestly, letting his eyes shut relaxedly for a moment as the corners of his mouth finally turn up in a smile.. “It would be nice to forget about everything and just run around the city with you.” 

 

“We’ll do it all, just like we planned before.” Chan promises with a nod as he glances over at Seungkwan with a soft smile on his features as well. “But… maybe let’s start everything tomorrow. I wasn’t really planning on packing up and leaving the country so suddenly so I’m going to need a moment to get over this jetlag.” 

 

Seungkwan just laughs as Chan ends up laying down next to him, the younger’s head resting comfortably on his arm. “This isn’t even my bed but I doubt Soon would mind. I’ve been practically living here for the past few days.” He admits as one of his hands gently pats the younger’s hair for a moment. 

 

“I hope you’re fine with me living at your place for awhile then too. It’s not like I reserved a hotel or anything because of the short notice…” 

 

“You think I would even  _ let  _ you stay at a hotel?” Seungkwan only opens his eyes to ask incredulously. “I’d be a horrible friend if I made you do that. You’re staying with me. As long as you’d like.” 

 

“Hm, what if I want to stay for one whole month?” 

 

“That’s fine.” 

 

“What about  _ two _ months?” Chan then emphasizes. 

 

“Stay as long as you can. See if I care.” Seungkwan mock threatens him before chuckling softly and letting his eyes close again. “Now shhh. I haven’t slept well in days and you have jetlag.” 

 

He can barely process the soft tickling of Chan’s light brown hair against his upper arm much longer before sleep overcomes him. He’s comfortable. Finally. For the first time in what seems like a whole entire week. Even though it hasn’t been very long since Hansol left, Seungkwan wants to latch onto this little piece of happiness for as long as he can. He’s starting to think that maybe he deserves it after putting on such a lengthy fight in New York. Maybe this is his time for his healing. 

 

. . . . . 

 

Seungkwan’s Christmas holiday isn’t spent with his family this year but that doesn’t exactly matter in this city. He spends the holiday with his New York family. That is, with Chan, Soonyoung, Junhui, and Jeonghan. It would be amazing if his actual family were able to spend the holiday with him here too but his friend family makes him feel completely warm and fuzzy to the point where he doesn’t even consider feeling homesick much at all. 

 

Whether the guys are dragging him out on the streets to look at all the pretty sparkling decorations all over the city, going on group shopping trips to buy each other gifts, or even staying up all night making Christmas cookies and watching classic movies, the days pass quickly because there’s just so much to celebrate. 

 

Chan’s only been part of the picture for about a week or so but he fits into the group like he’s been there forever. Soonyoung takes a liking to him almost instantly and Chan seems to be getting closest to him. The two seem to have a lot in common, whether it be their taste in music or style or even just hobbies in general. Hell, Seungkwan himself didn’t even know that Chan had an interest in dancing until he happened to walk in on the two of them having some sort of dance battle to a Michael Jackson song that popped up in the playlist. 

 

Junhui also happened to witness the whole thing and seemed just as surprised as Seungkwan himself. Neither of them were really expecting Chan to just get up and join Soonyoung in his antics. Chan was still rather shy at first but due to the dancer’s wild encouragements, he ended up feeling more free to try some new things. Only moments later, Junhui joined in and the two of them were instructing him on some of their favorite dance routines and Chan seemed to love it. 

 

Seungkwan had never expected him to take such an interest in dancing but after meeting the guys, he’s really happy to see Chan trying something new that he seems to really like. Ever since the first time sometimes Soon will just start fooling around with his dancing and end up dragging Chan into it as well. Literally dragging him. If Chan just sits by and watches him with a small amused smile playing on his lips, Soon just has to take him by the hand and force him to dance along too. Then usually Junhui can’t help but to join in and by that point, they’re dancing around with such force that their small apartment’s furniture seems like it will physically start shaking at any point. They’re pretty much bound to get noise complaints any day now. 

 

What’s Jeonghan doing while all of this occurs? He’s almost always grabbing him phone and snapping secret videos of the three of them getting bashful Chan to join in on the fun. See, Jeonghan had also gotten attached to the youngest in not much time at all. When Seungkwan had met Jeonghan he had spent a long time trying to break down all of the barriers between the two of them. But when it comes to Chan, that boy had an opening on the first day. He’s not exactly sure how he had done it but after offering to cook dinner with Jeonghan one night, the two of them were attached at the hip ever since. Or more like Jeonghan was always trying to hug him from behind. 

 

Seungkwan had asked Chan a few times how on earth he got so close with their elder so quickly but the other would only tighten his lips. He’d smile and say that they were just a good fit for each other personality wise. He’d say they were the type of people that just clicked. It’s not that Seungkwan didn’t exactly believe that answer but he had some suspicions that it was all about something else instead. After their important conversation earlier, Jeonghan decided on the course of changing himself for the better and really making things right at the start of this new year. Maybe the other had finally decided to let his guard down when welcoming new people in. Or maybe Chan had asked all of the right questions and Jeonghan felt himself really opening up to him. Seungkwan was a bit curious about what really went down but either way, he’s happy for the both of them. They seem really good for each other and get along effortlessly.

 

Actually, just about everything seems to be going really good ever since Chan ended up visiting. They finally got to take time off work and really appreciate spending this holiday together. They don’t have to worry about being perfect idol personalities on stage or taking care of all of the drunk patrons of the bar. They can just relax without all of the makeup and rushed schedules and other workplace dramas. 

 

Very late one night, they end up visiting their favorite diner, the classic Rose Quartz & Serenity because Chan hadn’t got a chance to experience their favorite hangout place yet. He also hasn’t had a chance to meet Seokmin either so that was something that still needed to be done. They make their way into their self proclaimed booth all the way in the back of the restaurant and settle in. Just like the usual, except without all of the fancy clothes and tips from a busy night.  Seungkwan slides into the seat first, with Chan following next and finally Soonyoung, who manages to squish them in to the limits. Jeonghan and Junhui take the other side for themselves but that’s only until Seokmin notices them and pushes his way in too. 

 

Jeonghan raises a curious eyebrow at the newcomer. “Can you really afford to stop working immediately after we walk in? 

 

Seokmin smiles smugly and shakes his head. “Nope.” 

 

“Your boss is going to notice a pattern to this someday...” 

 

“Yeah, but my boss is never here at night anyways.” Seokmin shrugs carelessly. “Plus you guys never really tell me when you’re gonna show up so I can’t even schedule my breaks properly. Maybe you shouldn’t drop by without notice if you’re expecting me to hang out.” 

 

“Oh, honey, we weren’t expecting anything but some burgers and milkshakes.” Jeonghan responds back with a friendly yet comedic roll of his eyes that makes the rest of the group laugh. “Speaking of which, if you haven’t noticed yet we have a special guest with us tonight. Where’s that five-star service greeting and the song you’re contractually obliged to perform?” 

 

“Fuck right off, Jeonghan. I’ve been working for seven hours straight and it’s like past 2AM. No theatrics will be put on tonight.” Seokmin playfully banters back before turning to Chan. “Hey Chan! I already know your name because I’ve seen you on Kwan’s instagram. Like literally he posted so many pics with you so why wouldn’t I know? Anyways, I’m Seokmin and I work here so order anything you’d like and it’s on me!” 

 

Chan accepts his very enthusiastic handshake with a small smile before turning to take a glance at his menu. “Hm… well what do you reccomend?” 

 

“Isn’t he cute?” Soonyoung interrupts to question out to Seokmin as he steals a little pinch at the youngest’s cheek. “We just adopted him.” 

 

“I thought you just adopted Kwannie?” Seokmin points out. “Just months ago you were poking at his cheeks and calling him the cutest in the room. It’s like I’m having deju-vu or something….” 

 

Seungkwan scoffs jokingly. “Yeah, thanks for replacing me already.” 

 

“I’m genuinely convinced that Soon finds everyone younger than him cute.” Junhui admits as he laughs, watching Chan finally make a face and push Soon’s annoying hand away. “And he’s out to collect them all.” 

 

“I’d take a sip to that but I don’t even have a drink.” Jeonghan indicates the severe lack of food and beverages at this point. “Can you bring out some burgers and whatever milkshakes are on special?” 

 

“You got it, captain.” Seokmin decides with a mock salute at Jeonghan’s controllingness before jumping up and noticing something. “But ew, why are you guys secretly holding hands under the table? You’re not even on stage right now.” 

 

“I’ll hold Junhui’s hand whenever I feel like it.” Jeonghan retorts back with an almost smirk. “And I damn well feel like it.” 

 

“Yeah but why?” Seokmin squints and tilts his head to the side. 

 

“Why can’t you just bring the food and ask later?” Now Junhui asks gently and Seokmin finally realizes that maybe he should go and get the food before he starts to look suspicious to the other workers. They all know he’s not done speculating though. Either way, the whole group is content in waiting as long as the food eventually gets here.

 

“Do you guys remember Minghao?” Soonyoung suddenly reminds them. “That guy that Seungkwan brought to work and back to our house that time?” 

 

The question catches Seungkwan off guard a bit but he finds himself laughing a bit. “Of course I remember Minghao,  _ my  _ friend that I introduced you guys to.” 

 

“He invited me to some New Years party. Apparently he moved into a bigger apartment with Mingyu and some other roommates and they’re celebrating there…. Wait, did he not invite you Boo?” 

 

“He probably did. I just haven’t checked my phone at all since, well, you know.” Seungkwan admits honestly. It’s kind of sad to admit but since he wasn’t planning for Hansol to text him anytime either, he’s just been leaving his phone powered off. It’s better to leave it off instead of checking it constantly. “Besides, who am I going to talk to when you’re all here and I’ve been practically living at your place?  Me and Chan can head back to my place anytime by the way.” 

 

“Um, no. Please stay until the holidays are over at least.” Soonyoung insists rather seriously before getting back to what he was meaning to say. “Anyways, he invited us to the party if you guys are interested. I mean, I’d rather go to his party than go to one of Jihoon’s weird work parties.” 

 

“Ugh, don’t remind me.” Jeonghan groans. “Seungkwan, I don’t know if you’re aware of this but that man will literally use any holiday to bring us to his business parties and use us like some kind of walking advertisement. Like it’s fine if there’s free food or whatever but there’s only so many businessmen we can bullshit our way through a conversation with.” 

 

“I vote that we go to Minghao’s party instead.” Junhui chimes in. “I liked meeting that kid. He’s so nice and I miss talking to him. The other guy was really handsome too.” 

 

“Yeah but with everything that happened between him and Kwan...” Soonyoung admits rather hesitantly with a long sigh. “To be honest, I was kind of wondering if it would be weird to go after all of that.” 

 

“What do you mean by that?” Junhui questioned out. “What happened between him and Kwan?” 

 

Now it’s Seungkwan’s turn to groan out loud. “Please don’t remind me of that mess…” 

 

“Eh? What mess?” Chan turns to him cluelessly, expecting answers but all Seungkwan can do is shake his head. Just thinking about it makes his head hurt. He almost forgot about everything.

 

“Let’s just say that there was a drunken mistake that occured.” Soonyoung tries to explain simply but that only leaves more questions out on the table. Now Chan’s eyes are nearly doubling in size and Junhui’s practically gasping for air. It’s absolutely not what they’re thinking.

 

“You  _ didn’t _ !” Junhui practically shouts out. “Or  _ did _ you?” 

 

Chan struggles to clear his throat. “You didn’t mention...um.. anything like that…”

 

Seungkwan feels hot little beads of sweat form on his forehead from the misunderstanding. “No, no, no, I  _ didn’t _ ! Absolutely nothing that you’re thinking of even happened!” He clarifies as seriously as he can, even though he’s feeling more than slightly embarrassed in this situation. “We were just really drunk and he kept saying these weird things and I almost couldn’t believe what he was saying about me and I guess….. He just kind of started to kiss me and I still couldn’t believe him so I kind of let him? I don’t know, it was really weird and a mistake.” 

 

“Was he a good kisser at least?” Jeonghan asks rather carelessly but out of slight curiosity. 

 

He struggles to think for a moment, not even wanting to recall the memory. “I think yes?” 

 

“If you had to even think about it, then probably no.” The elder responds back with a shrug. “Everyone kisses like shit when they’re drunk. They just don’t realize it.” 

 

“Plus he’s actually really good looking.” Junhui also points out. “Usually the handsome ones don’t know how to perform either. It’s always really messy and sloppy.” 

 

Jeonghan sighs. “Can’t relate.” 

 

Naturally, Chan is curious as well and Seungkwan doesn’t mind answering questions so much when it comes from him. “So this happened before you were even close with Hansol?” 

 

“Literally a minute or two that I really regret. That’s why I didn’t even bother telling you because it was over and done with immediately.” Seungkwan explains as honestly as he can. “It made things really awkward back at school because I had to see him everyday but I think things are fine enough between us and enough time has passed. I don’t think it would be weird to go to the party.” 

 

“For real, even if it’s still only slightly weird we don’t even have to go.” Junhui assures him thoughtfully. “We could have our own little party back at our place if you want.” 

 

“No, I want to go.” Seungkwan decides with a firm nod. “I barely went to school the last few weeks of the semester because things were so busy at work. I haven't seen Mingyu and Hao in a long time so it would be nice.” 

 

“Well, I think it will be fine as long as you haven’t kissed Minghao too.” Soonyoung remarks teasingly before wiggling his eyebrows all around. “Oh wait- have you?” 

 

Seungkwan can only roll his eyes. If only he was sitting close enough to Soonyoung so he could elbow him in the side firmly. “You wish, don’t you?” 

 

“You’ve only been here for six months and you’ve already kissed three guys. That’s more than Jeonghan, Junhui and myself could say about our first months… combined!” Soonyoung cackles and throws his head back. “And  _ we’re _ the ones who get called players!”

 

“Three...?” Jeonghan’s ears pick up on this detail. Junhui counts on his fingers all of the possible people he could think up but he’s stuck at two. And now Seungkwan’s face is flaming bright red from all of the speculative stares combined. He thought he was embarrassed before but just wait. 

 

Seungkwan may actually be as red as a tomato but at least he’s still quick to defend himself. “That last one doesn’t even count, Soon!” 

 

Chan blinks. “Who?”

 

Jeonghan can only groan and put his head in his hands. “Don’t tell me he kissed you too… please don’t.” 

 

“It was _ him _ , wasn’t it?” Junhui jumps out of his seat and points at the suspect. Soonyoung can only stare back for a moment before bursting out in a fit of giggles.

 

“Yeah, it was totally me. How did you guess so easily?” 

Chan can only keep glancing between the two of them before picking Seungkwan to focus on. “Excuse me? You kissed Soonyoung-hyung too?” 

 

“There’s a story behind it that explains everything. And it wasn’t me, it was him.” Seungkwan insists firmly, trying to keep the story straight. “It was literally the same day everything went wrong with Mingyu and I was really upset so Soonyoung came out to talk with me. He ended up cheering me up and gave my lips the smallest baby peck and said something cheesy about erasing all of the Mingyu kisses that were bothering me. It was incredibly stupid and also kind of  cute and completely innocent but nowhere  _ near _ romantic so he does not count in any numbers.” 

 

Jeonghan hears all of this and still can’t really wrap it around his mind. “Chan, would you kiss Seungkwan if he looked upset about something?” 

 

“Most likely not.” Chan answers back. “I mean, I don’t think that could really fix anything.” 

 

“See, and that’s why you’re a completely reasonable human being. Soonyoung here though, he  seems to have some sort of fixation with kissing. Not even romantic kissing. Just platonic, friend to friend, completely innocent kissing. Which is fine and all, don’t get me wrong. Some people are into it. But Junhui and I? That’s not really our style….yet we’ve been attacked by Soonyoung on multiple occasions.” 

 

“Every single birthday….” Junhui repeats to himself regretfully. “Every single time…” 

 

“And now he’s got Seungkwan.” Jeonghan clicks his tongue. “Next he’s probably going to get you.” 

 

“Ah…..” Chan replies back, seemingly a little more than slightly worried to hear that. “Sorry hyung, but I’m only into dating girls so maybe it would be best if you didn’t try with me.” 

 

“Yeah, why don’t you go and kiss Seokmin if you like it so much!” Junhui insists, earning a laugh from Jeonghan and Seungkwan as well. Almost as instantly as they agree on this, Soonyoung’s face contorts into a completely disgusted one. 

 

“Are you kidding me?” Soonyoung practically groans back. “He’s like my best friend in a soul mate type of way. He’s literally like my soul stuck in someone else’s body. That would be completely fucked up!” 

 

“Exactly my point.” Jeonghan responds back with a laugh. “We’re like your best friends in a way too. Hell, we’re almost even brothers at this point. There’s no reason to keep trying to sneak attack us.” 

 

At this moment, Seokmin comes back to the table carrying a large tray filled with burgers, fries, and milkshakes for the whole group. “Food’s finally ready!” He announces with a joyful smile before taking a glimpse of everyone’s expressions, noting how everyone seems somewhere between either defeated or stressed out at this point. Immediately his perfect waiter smile melts away and he’s left to frown in disappointment. “Damn, I missed out on something good again.” 

 

Soonyoung can only shake his head and look down. “How can I even eat now that the gross image of kissing Seokkie is in my mind…”

 

Seokmin freezes on the spot. “Excuse me but WHAT? And did you just say _ gross _ ?” 

  
  


. . . . . 

  
  


The longer Seungkwan lives in New York the more he realizes that he doesn’t exactly like parties all too much. Maybe it’s because his job already seems like some big party every night or maybe it’s the fact that this city never sleeps. Either way, Seungkwan doesn’t really care about going to a party all too much. It doesn’t really matter that it’s New Year’s Eve either. He just wants to go out and see his friends. 

 

He finally powered on his phone again and certainly did get an invitation, not only from Minghao but Mingyu as well. It really has been some time since he’s seen them. If his work hadn’t gotten so busy and that misunderstanding with Mingyu hadn’t happened, he could have seen himself attending school much more regularly to hang out with them. Maybe he was just making excuses not to attend his classes though. It seemed like a waste of time to study English that he already knew instead of going to work and performing his heart out every night, no matter how stressful some shifts were.  

 

There’s a hint of excitement in the air and Seungkwan and his group of friends set out on the town. It seems like just about everyone is in a mood to start off the year right. Everyone is out in their most flashy clothes, celebrating with their friends and family, and genuinely happy and enjoying the night together. Not only are his friends dressed impeccably as well, but their spirits are somehow even higher than usual. Just the sound of Soonyoung’s wild laughter alone is enough to echo through the streets. 

 

They eventually make their way to a much nicer section of town compared to where Minghao and Mingyu’s previously lived in their own single apartments. Now that they’ve moved into a new place with two other guys that Seungkwan hasn’t met yet, it seems like a total upgrade compared to before. Their place is actually quite close to Jihoon’s Bar. Surely it’s just a coincidence but an interesting one at that. 

 

By the time they take the elevator up to the right level and find the right apartment, the party’s in full swing. Jeonghan has a motto to always arrive at least an hour and a half late. He insists by then, all of the awkward first introductions would be far over with and people will be already slightly wasted. Plus it’s a good idea to keep people waiting for your presence to show up. Seungkwan doesn’t exactly believe in being late at all for any reason but he’s not going to fight it. They’re probably all excuses for Jeonghan being lazy and slow at getting ready. 

 

The apartment is lively and filled with guests that Seungkwan can kind of recognize from some of his classes. Mingyu was always a popular guy and talked with just about anyone he sat near. It would make sense that he had a lot of people to invite. As for Minghao though, Seungkwan can find him talking animatedly in the corner with some of his own friends. He’s changed. A lot. Not only has he possibly grown a little taller, but his whole fashion sense seems to be revamped since the last time that he’s seen him. His straight black hair has started to trail down his nape and his usual glasses are replaced with a much more trendy pair. Minghao has almost done a whole replacement of his usual style. 

 

Although he may look different, there’s almost nothing changed as he finally catches eye of Seungkwan entering the room. He almost forgets about his own little group of friends for a moment in favor of hurrying over to him with that same smile as always. That hasn’t changed about him at all. He’s sincerely so happy to see Seungkwan that he rushes straight to him and takes a hold of his sleeve. 

 

“You’re here!” He greets him shortly and sweetly, lightly swinging around Seungkwan’s arm with his own in a show of excitement. Minghao still doesn’t speak English or Korean very well so there’s a moment where he just looks at Seungkwan with that little smile and just shakes his arm around more. “I’m happy.” 

 

“I’m happy to see you too, Hao!” Seungkwan responds back, touched by the other’s enthusiasm to see him. As he leans on his tippy toes a bit to hug the other properly, he realizes that he has missed Minghao quite a bit. Just being around the other in class everyday was fun in it’s own simple way. “Your new place looks great, and I’m loving your new look too! What inspired you?” 

 

Minghao doesn’t have to think much before responding back confidently. “Ah! I want to study fashion design. I always wanted to but I was afraid. I think I want to try new things.”  

 

“Oh, really?” Seungkwan responds back, honestly kind of surprised by his answer because he hadn’t expected it from the other. “I had no idea you were into fashion either but that’s good! Are you still going to be back at school next semester or transferring somewhere else?” 

 

“I’m going to design academy.” Minghao answers him back rather cheerfully before his facial expression suddenly changes at the nudge of someone from behind. Soonyoung hugs him from behind for only a split second before Junhui decides to join in too. Then Jeonghan decides that maybe he should take part too. There they take turns squishing their long lost friend from all angles and shouting out words of greeting to him. 

 

Amidst all of the chaos of the group being reunited again (with Chan just standing to the side and watching curiously), Seungkwan watches on with an amused expression as all of his friends decide to adore Minghao. It really has been a long time since they’ve all seen him after all. And there’s only so much that can go on within text messages. It doesn’t compare to really meeting in person and it’s much louder than he could have ever expected. 

 

“Hey,” A voice speaks up behind Seungkwan and the pressure from someone leaning against his shoulder sinks in. It’s Mingyu. Seungkwan doesn’t even have to look up and confirm it’s him because he just knows. When he looks up to confirm anyways, there’s a small playful smile lingering on the taller’s lips. 

 

“Hey, Mingyu.” Seungkwan smiles back although he still feels a bit awkward. Since Mingyu’s already practically leaning into him, he responds by giving him a half-hearted and one armed hug around the waist. “ It’s been a long time.” 

 

“Yeah, it’s nice to see you. Thanks for coming tonight.” Mingyu says back as simply as that. Just friendly and nothing more. “To be honest, I’m kind of surprised that you even came after all. You basically stopped coming to classes and I wasn’t sure if I was ever going to see you again actually.” 

 

“Work got really busy because a lot of things happened. Soon got injured and from a fight and Jun had a few facial injuries as well so Jeonghan and I really had to do all of the performances by ourselves.” He’s not exactly sure why he’s telling Mingyu all of this. Maybe it’s to convince the other that the real reason he stopped showing up really was his work and nothing about the kiss they shared. Although he definitely used that as another excuse not to go sometimes. “I’m still not sure if I’ll end up going back next semester. I’d probably be better with online classes.” 

 

“Hm, yeah we heard everything that happened. I mean, you know that Hao and I had some interest in Jihoon’s performers before you ever worked there. When we heard rumours of what was going on we found out everything online. It’s just a miracle nobody ended up getting seriously hurt. I would have texted you but, well, you know…” 

 

“... I know what?” Seungkwan responds back to the elder, not exactly getting what he’s leaving out here. 

 

Mingyu pauses for a moment or two, looking conflicted. “I mean, after everything that happened… I couldn’t just message you anymore.” 

“You could have.” Seungkwan admits with a small shrug. “If you had kept it friendly, that is.” 

 

“Listen, Seungkwan….” Mingyu lets out a long and rather struggled sigh as he rests one of his hands on Seungkwan’s shoulder. “I really want to talk to you about some things. In private that is. Can we go somewhere and talk?” 

 

And Seungkwan is hesitant. He doesn’t know if it’s a good idea to go off somewhere alone with Mingyu. Maybe it’s actually a bad idea that he’ll end up regretting again. He doesn’t even care too much about what Mingyu would have to say at this point. They’ve already drifted far apart enough to the point that they’re more like strangers than friends. Does it all really matter at this point? 

 

Seungkwan has always been too kind for his own good though. That’s something that’s both a positive and a negative about him. If Mingyu really wants to tell him something, then he’ll agree to hear him out. Just because they used to be really good friends at a time. 

 

He responds with just a nod and Mingyu tips his head in another direction. As they pass through the party filled with a bunch of other people that he hasn’t met before, he happens to catch Soonyoung’s eye. The other looks suspicious of what’s going on, almost like a silent warning for Seungkwan to be careful with what he’s doing now. He just smiles softly in Soon’s direction to assure him that everything is going to be fine. He won’t make any more mistakes about this, even as the other ends up bringing him into his own bedroom and locking the door behind them.

 

Mingyu plops down on a bed that Seungkwan assumes as his and pats next to his side. “You can sit down here if you want.” That’s what he says until he looks up and realizes the other’s rather hesitant expression. “Or you can sit on Hao’s bed. He won’t mind.” 

 

Seungkwan does just that and sits down as well, waiting patiently for Mingyu to start the conversation with him. 

 

“I don’t even know where to start, Kwan.” He insists honestly as he lets out a low laugh, not finding anything actually funny but letting out the sound to break the tension. “More than anything I want to apologize though. I’m sorry for pushing myself on you and making you feel so uncomfortable afterwards. I’m sorry for not being a good friend to you and taking advantage of your friendship. I don’t want to make my apology sound watered down with any reasons I might have had for doing so but I do have some things I think would explain my actions better.” 

 

“And I’m sorry too, Mingyu.” Seungkwan also finds himself apologizing back. “I knew I was emotionally unavailable but I found myself wanting to see if you really liked me or not. It was wrong of me to test things out with you just for curiosity when I had no intentions of committing to anything.” 

 

“Thanks but I don’t really deserve your apology, Kwan. I really don’t.” Mingyu admits quite harshly as he shakes his head. “If you knew my real reasons then you wouldn’t have any reason to apologize to someone like me.” 

 

“Then tell me your real reasons and I’ll tell you mine.” 

 

“But where should I even start….” Mingyu drawls out to himself, taking a moment to really think this through before making his thoughts into words that are out there in the world. “Maybe I should start by saying that I really did have some genuine feelings for you. I may not know your birthday or the names of your sisters but that doesn’t mean that I didn’t feel anything when you smiled at me. When I’d come to class and see you everyday, you’d make me laugh so easily at all the things you said. Hell, you’d just sit there waiting for me and Hao to show up and look so absolutely cute. Just looking at you made me feel all warm inside. Just your presence was something I enjoyed so much.” 

 

They’re not words Seungkwan would have ever expected to hear in his whole life. Even though they’re unexpected that doesn’t mean Mingyu is any less sincere in telling him them though. 

 

“But then there’s something I envied about you so much. You’re just so free to be yourself. One day we were in class and you casually mentioned the fact that you liked guys and I felt so jealous at how simple that was to say for you. See, here I was having such an attraction to you and I couldn’t even say anything about it. I couldn’t admit to anyone, not even myself, that I actually liked guys too.”  Mingyu says this as he hangs his head low, unable to look at Seungkwan or anything else in this moment. “Maybe I didn’t even want to admit it to myself the most. It was easy pretending that there was nothing wrong with me.” 

 

Seungkwan can visibly see the struggle that he’s going through about coming to terms with this. He gets up from his spot on Minghao’s bed to sit by Mingyu’s side instead, lightly wrapping his arm around the other. “There’s nothing wrong with you, Gyu. You don’t have to apologize for your feelings.” 

 

“I know, I know that now but it took me awhile to realize that. And in all honesty, the night that I realized that was the night that you invited us to watch you perform at work. Hao and I went there to support you that night but I ended up realizing a lot more about myself than I had expected. And it was all thanks to you actually.” Mingyu admits as he lets out a soft sigh. “As I was watching you out on stage that night, you just looked so free and happy and unashamedly yourself. I’m not sure if I was jealous of that or attracted to you because that’s what I wanted for myself.” 

 

“And do you know why I let you, Gyu?” Seungkwan asks this time, ready to come true with his own reasons now. “My reasons were pretty selfish too. I just couldn’t believe that a guy as handsome as you, and so friendly and sociable as you would even like someone like me. In Korea there’s no way that I’d be able to get someone like that to notice me. I think I wanted to prove that it was possible. I wanted the validation. Plus you were already so good to me as a friend so I thought there wouldn’t be any harm done. But in the end I couldn’t get over how wrong it felt to do something so selfish as that.” 

 

“Maybe we were both selfish then. That’s why nothing worked out in the end. But either way, I don’t regret what happened. I regret that it caused us to grow apart and stop talking to each other. But without your influence, I don’t think that I’d ever really be able to admit to myself that I’m not exactly straight after all. I have feelings of attraction towards other guys and I have for awhile. I just don’t think I could have said that honestly if I hadn’t met you and felt someway about you because in a way, you were the reason I finally felt safe enough to come out.” 

 

“I’m honored to hear that, Mingyu. I’m really touched actually.” Seungkwan admits, letting his head fall down to rest upon the other’s shoulder supportively. “I’m proud of you for realizing all of this, whether I was even a part of that discovery or not. If I could have been more honest with you and you could have told me you were going through all of this. Then I wish we could have talked about it before there were so many misunderstandings left between us.” 

 

“Nah, I think I needed some time away to think for myself and really realize what I wanted to do moving forward. And I think I actually have some news for you…..” Mingyu stops here, turning to look at Seungkwan with an excited but somewhat timid smile. “I think I was using my attraction towards you to hide something I’ve always had in the back of my mind. My feelings for Hao. I’ve never come to terms with them because he’s always talked about only being interested in girls. But… he’s really everything to me. It seems like ever since we’ve moved in together I just can’t keep them in anymore. It’s almost like torture to be in love with your best friend who happens to sleep in the same room with you every night. I’m actually planning on confessing to him tonight.” 

 

As Seungkwan turns to look at the expression on Mingyu’s face he can’t help but to feel so happy for him. He hasn’t seen Mingyu look so completely enamoured with anyone like this before. Not even when he was looking at Seungkwan like that himself. He really hopes the best for him and Minghao too. Those two have always had a special bond between them after all.  

 

Seungkwan gives him a fond pat on the head, lightly ruffling Mingyu’s locks of hair. “I’m happy for you, Gyu. Really. And you better give Hao the best midnight confession you can because he deserves it too.” 

 

“Yeah, I’m going to try my best to give him everything he deserves.” Mingyu almost promises in a way before he glances over to Seungkwan with a soft smile. “I remember you telling me that you had someone you had feelings for too. I hope everything will go perfectly between you two also.” 

 

All that Seungkwan can do as he’s returning the smile is silently hoping for the same thing.

  
  


. . . . . 

  
  


By the time Seungkwan and Mingyu finish catching up on things and head back to the party, it’s seemingly even more busy and lively than before. Mingyu excuses himself to go and talk with more of his guests and Seungkwan goes off to find his friends. 

 

He can see Minghao and Junhui talking animatedly in the corner with a bunch of other guys. Jeonghan’s sitting on the kitchen counter with a hand in a bag of chips, casually answering questions from a group of girls huddled around him. And as for Chan and Soonyoung, well, the two of them seem to be thoroughly enjoying their drinks and whatever conversation they’re having together. Chan’s pretty much dying laughing at and slapping Soon’s shoulder about something ridiculous he said and Soon’s eye smile is so bright that he could probably outshine the actual sun.

 

It seems like everyone found something to do while he was away with Mingyu. And in a strange way, he seems to be feeling a little left out of everything. The party’s in full swing and everyone seems to be enjoying themselves, but everyone except for Seungkwan that is. He can’t really have any fun when it seems like something is so obviously missing. It’s like there’s a physical piece of his happiness missing. Hansol should be here to celebrate the holidays with him. 

 

He doesn’t want to sulk and ruin the party but he needs a break away from everything. Maybe just for ten minutes or so to clear his thoughts and get back in the mood for a party. He decides to head out onto the apartment’s balcony, which doesn’t seem to be occupied at the moment.

 

The winter air is cold and unpleasant but nothing too bad compared to the strange feeling that he doesn’t belong at this party right now. He doesn’t even know what’s gotten into him so suddenly. It’s just that he realized that everyone else is so content right now and he’s the only one feeling left out. 

 

Slipping out his cell phone out of his pocket he takes a moment to stare at the blank screen. No messages. No calls. Not from anybody or Hansol either. It’s been a whole week and even a few days after that and no word from him. Seungkwan hadn’t messaged him either but he was hoping to at least get  _ something _ . Not even a “what’s up” or a “i miss you” or even a hopeful “i love you.” 

 

He doesn’t even have the courage to text Hansol first but he’s still expecting something anyways. They never even decided not to talk over this break. Why are they even ignoring each other like this? 

 

Seungkwan’s hands tremble as he writes out a simple message of “Happy New Year” to Hansol. He hovers over the send button, unsure whether or not to even send it at this point. Maybe he’s just thinking too much. 

Suddenly the sound of the screen door behind him sliding open catches him off guard. Seungkwan sighs and shoves his phone back into his pocket and glances over his shoulder, expecting so see one of the guys coming out to check up on him. Instead, he’s a bit surprised to see someone he doesn’t know. A rather tall and lean guy appears in the doorway, holding a cat within his hands as he stands in front of Seungkwan. 

 

“Hey, are you okay?” He asks rather concernedly as he notices the expression on Seungkwan’s face. “I just came out here to get some fresh air. Parties aren’t really my thing.” As he lets the cat jump down from his arms, its heads to Seungkwan and rubs around his legs affectionately.

 

Now Seungkwan can’t really help but to smile as he leans down and pat’s the cat’s head. “Yeah, I’ll be fine. I think I just realized parties aren’t exactly my thing either.” 

 

“My name’s Wonwoo.” The guy introduces himself along with the cat. “That’s Mimi. We have a Minghao and a Mingyu living here so they just kind of combined their names and begged to name the cat that.”

 

Seungkwan’s eyes light up at the meanings behind what he said. “Oh, so you’re their roomate? I’m their friend from school actually.”

 

“Yeah, I’ve been friends with Mingyu since he moved to the states and when he was looking for a new place I decided to invite him to live here with me and my other roommate. Minghao was an extra addition but now I can’t help but to feel like he was meant to be with us too.” 

 

“Well, it’s nice to finally meet you then, Wonwoo. My name is Seungkwan.” He introduces himself as well as he stops petting the cat for a moment to look up at him properly. “I promise I’m not usually this distant and sulky though. I’m just not in a very good mood tonight.” 

 

“And why might that be?” 

 

“Well, it’s kind of hard to explain….” 

 

“I mean, I have time.” Wonwoo admitted with a soft laugh. “I’m not trying to force you to tell me but I was kind of hoping to come out here and enjoy some quiet time. I’d probably prefer listening to everything you’d have to say instead of going back in there.” 

 

“But are you sure I’m not going to scare you away if I tell you something so personal?” Seungkwan asks back almost challengingly. 

 

Wonwoo doesn’t say anything as he just walks around Seungkwan and takes a seat on one of the patio chairs. “Hit me. I have nothing else to do tonight.” 

  
  



	17. moving on

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> disclaimer: i love hansol's singing and i'm aware that he can sing in real life but for the sake of this story, let's pretend that he's not so great at it. 
> 
> i've decided to open up a ko-fi account for those who are interested in supporting my writing further. each chapter takes me about 3~5 hours to write. despite my chapters always being free, i have created an account where you can choose to pledge just a few dollars if you'd like to support my stories. i'm in the process of coming up with ways to give back to those who have already donated, such as polls, special requests, or maybe even commissions. if you're interested in checking this out, you can visit ko-fi.com/citruseungkwan

It’s not like Seungkwan to feel so unsure of himself. He was never left to wonder what path to take next simply because he’s had his whole plans for the future always laid out for him. He’d just simply follow his heart and go after whatever dream hits him, whether that be performing on stage with the guys, pursuing a solo singing career, or even making music of his own someday. All that really mattered was that he could sing his heart out and he’d be content with everything else. He’d be supported with a great group of friends, have his family by his side, and maybe even have someone special to share everything with as well. 

 

However, more than all of this, Seungkwan was planning on being someone who was so confident in himself and his capabilities that there would be no room to get lost on the way. 

 

He would be able to do anything he wanted to based on his willpower alone. He didn’t need some fancy signed contract from an album company or some recognition from a lover to make him feel content about himself. Seungkwan had always trusted in himself the most. That’s all he needed to make all of his dreams and aspirations come true in the end. 

 

That’s why he went to the lengths of abandoning his hometown and crossed the whole world on a whim. He was tired of waiting for something special to happen so he want out to find it before it found him first. 

 

However at this particular point in time, Seungkwan’s finding himself feeling more lost than he's ever felt before. 

 

It’s like the past week that was wasted with sulking and crying in his room had made him lose sight of everything that he had believed in before. The simple fact is that Hansol’s absence made him weak. It was like a low blow to the gut. He hadn’t been expecting it to happen and it pretty much knocked all of the air out of him. And it hurt. Seungkwan absolutely didn’t want to feel this way and he hadn’t intended to even let this happen. Yet once again, he had fallen for someone much harder than they had with him. It’s like he’s being left behind again, like always. 

 

If it were just any other crush Seungkwan had, he wouldn’t be feeling to devastated. He would just forgive and forget and easily move on. But when it came to Hansol, there was no way he could get over his worries about their future, especially not when Hansol isn’t even physically here with him right now. With the other gone, it’s like all of the plans and hopes they promised for each other were just kind of left dangling in the empty space between them. 

 

And Seungkwan was restless. Maybe even more so because today is a day where Hansol  _ should _ be with him. 

 

His eyes flicker over to the male that had joined him out on the patio just moments earlier. There’s something gentle about Wonwoo’s presence that just makes him feel like he can trust the other. Not just because he’s already good friends with Mingyu and Minghao either. As he watches him relaxedly sink down into a chair and extrand a hand down towards the black cat that’s currently rubbing up against one of his legs, Seungkwan finds a sigh passing through his lips. Wonwoo had offered to hear him out after all. No conditions required. No strings attached. 

 

It couldn’t hurt to just spill out some of his thoughts, could it? 

 

Probably not, since he’s already wasting his New Year’s Eve hiding out alone and away from all of the people he cares about anyways. 

 

Seungkwan finds himself heading over to the chair next to Wonwoo and taking a rather apprehensive seat down in the chair. The other doesn’t even look at him because he’s so busy adoring the small animal but that’s probably for the best. Seungkwan finds it easy to spit everything out because the other seems so unbothered by his presence. 

 

“I just feel so… lost.” Seungkwan finally decides to himself as the reason why he’s feeling so down. “All my friends are in there having a great night, laughing like idiots and partying their hearts out but I can’t seem to feel even a bit happy about tonight. And I feel so ungrateful that I feel this way. Hell, even my best friend came all the way from Korea on two days notice just to come and support me but I’m caught up in the fact that I had a huge issue with my boyfriend and he’s not even in the city anymore. I don’t even  _ know _ if he’s my boyfriend anymore. All I know is that he’s not here right now and it feels like absolute shit to have him missing out on a night that would have been so great if he were here.” 

 

“It’s a holiday. You’re allowed to feel like shit when someone important isn’t around to spend it with you.” Wonwoo replies back calmly without asking any such intrusive questions that Seungkwan probably wouldn’t even want to hear now anyways. “I understand how you feel though. My own fiance is out of town to visit their family. I’m not a party person but I go along with it if they’re with me. Since I’m alone tonight, I hate to sit around and watch all of the loud drunk people so I decided to hide out here for some peace and quiet instead.”

 

“All of the noise and happy people were bothering me too. I can’t believe I even feel this way. It just sucks feeling so confused about everything in my life and not knowing where to turn. Everyone around me seems so damn content and living their life so carelessly.” Seungkwan confesses kind of bitterly, uncharacteristically like him but completely in his real feelings at this moment. “I’m trying to see the positive. I really am. My friends have been so great to me and they show me so much affection to the point where I almost don’t even think about things anymore. But then the moment I’m left alone it’s like everything is spilling out all over again.” 

 

Wonwoo doesn’t have to think before replying with a solution. “If you can’t see anything positive about it then you don’t have to keep being positive. Even if you feel like you’re being too negative that’s fine too. Whatever you feel, just feel it. Get it all out. Be as sad and angry as you want because nobody is going to force you to feel fine when you don’t.” 

 

“I don’t want to ruin my other friend’s moods. Especially seeing everyone in there having so much fun without me. They’ve done their best to take care of me so much this week and I still can’t even manage to pretend that things are fine right now.”

 

“That’s fine then. Don’t.” Wonwoo decides rather resolutely for him before picking up the cat and plopping it down on Seungkwan’s lap instead. “Sometimes you just have to get lost in your feelings before you find the way out. In the meantime, a nice warm cat couldn’t do any harm. Or having a smoke either. Do you smoke?” 

 

Seungkwan’s quick to shake his head at Wonwoo’s suggestion. “No, I’m a singer. That wouldn’t be good for my vocal chords.” He mumbles under his breath as an excuse although he doesn’t even seem to be so sure about that anymore either. “I don’t know, can I even call myself a singer anymore? All I seem to do is cover the same songs every night and scramble to change up the dance routines before the audience starts catching on. And then when I’m not doing that I’m left rushing around like a chicken with it’s head cut off to collect all of the orders and clean up after all the spills. Is that really the job of a singer? Or would some singer tied to some horrible corporate company somehow make me feel even more taken advantage of than I do now? I doubt it…” 

 

“Well, I can’t advise you to up and quit your job on a whim just because you’re not feeling appreciated. Go ahead and do so if you have the financial means but I’m not a job counselor by any standards. I’m not responsible if you decide that this conversation meant something and you were inspired to quit.” As Wonwoo mentions this part slightly sarcastically it causes Seungkwan to laugh a little, clutching the friendly cat against his chest more tightly in somewhat of an embrace. Mimi doesn’t seem to mind. “Singing though… I don’t think you’d want to be tied down to a record label right now either. You’d only feel more like some slave if you were devoting all your time and effort into getting a company to notice you and do everything to debut you as a rookie. I’d say the best thing for you to do is start writing your own songs and try to get discovered online instead.” 

 

“Ah, but you see, I can’t even play any instruments. I’ve tried and my fingers just can’t seem to catch on. I can’t think of beats and play around with them on a computer either. I can  _ barely _ even come up with any useful lyrics.” Seungkwan admits honestly as he stares down at his lap. “My Hansol though, the guy who isn’t here with me right now, he’s really the best at all of those things. It’s kind of ironic though. He can play piano, make his own beats, and even come up with the most beautiful lyrics. Yet at the same time, he can’t even manage to sing one note. It’s a hopeless thought of mine, but I thought maybe that was fate’s way of telling us that we were meant to be together. He’d write the songs and I would bring them to life with my singing.” 

 

Wonwoo finds himself looking out past the patio that they share, his eyesight lingering off somewhere into the night cityscape rather distractedly for a moment. For the first time today, it seemed like Seungkwan had finally said something that he didn’t have an answer ready for. “...There’s no saying that fate didn’t have it’s plan when it came to you two. That’s not something that I can confirm or deny. It’s just that I feel like hard times create some of the best environments for progress. You might feel lost and unsure of what to do next but pull out some paper and write all of your feelings into lyrics. This is the time when the words that you want to say the most will flow out. Write what you want to sing.” 

 

“Hm, I guess so…” Seungkwan replies back, starting to think that maybe it couldn’t hurt to try and do just that. He hasn’t really felt inspired enough to write his own lyrics before but there’s no better time than now to finally give it a shot. It’s not like he’s really getting much done by sitting around and sulking all day. “Anyways, what about you? What do you do, Wonwoo?” 

 

Almost as if he wasn’t expecting the topic of conversation to be turned to himself, Wonwoo’s eyes widened a bit in surprise before smiling slowly.  “Ah, you mean career wise? I do pretty much anything I can. I want to be an author so I published a book, however it didn’t really do so well on the charts. In the meantime, I’ve just been writing little articles for newspapers and magazines until I can find an idea for a better story.” 

 

Seungkwan would have never guessed that answer to come from him. Wonwoo did seem rather quiet and reserved, much more than Seungkwan himself and his own friends. Maybe he was the type of creative person who kind of kept more to themselves, just like Hansol did. If Hansol wasn’t working on his music efficiently enough, he’d prefer to lock himself in his room all day until he finished what he was working on. Remembering that little though makes Seungkwan smile a bit. 

 

“Hm, so what’s better for you then? Writing an actual story or working on articles in the meantime?” Seungkwan asks rather interestedly before a thought crosses his mind. “You know, I’ve never met a writer before.”

 

Wonwoo doesn’t even have to think before answering. “Writing an actual story is what I’d prefer to do. Magazine and newspaper articles are too restricted for me. I just like being able to write whatever comes to mind without anyone else putting a hand into editing it. By the time something gets published, you wouldn’t even know how many people messed with it.” 

 

“I kind of get what you mean.” Seungkwan replies back with memories of Hansol filling his brain just by hearing the other’s answer. “My friend was always the same way. He’d write his music so perfectly but sometimes he’d ask me to listen for any corrections. But I never could. I was just so fascinated by what he’d create that I didn’t want to touch it in anyway. It was like if I had ended up changing something, it would take a part of Hansol out of the piece as well. Maybe I can kind of understand how you feel about that as well.” 

 

Wonwoo nods his head along to Seungkwan’s reminiscing. He’s probably just listening to Seungkwan’s story because he seems like the type to like hearing people talk about the things that they’re interested in. But it also suddenly hits Seungkwan that’s he’s been doing a lot of talking about Hansol. And even more about only  _ himself _ . It’s probably not too much fun for the other to have such a one sided conversation so he’s quick to apologize. 

 

“Ah, I shouldn’t be talking about myself every chance I get. Sorry about that.” Seungkwan apologizes slightly embarrassedly with a quick bow of his head. “I guess I just have too much on my mind these days and everything just happened to slip out…”

 

Wonwoo just shrugs with a small smile. “I don’t mind, really. It’s not like I was going to do anything else tonight but sit out here and just people watch on the street below. Besides, it sounds like you really miss him. Maybe instead of telling me you should tell him instead.”

 

Seungkwan’s lips pout out slightly as he listens to Wonwoo’s suggestion. He’s right. It would be certainly logical to call up Hansol and vent all of his problems to him instead. After all, Hansol was the source of all his confusion. It’s just that all of their relationship mess has caused a few other areas of Seungkwan’s life to spiral out of control.

 

If he calls Hansol now, it would seem like he’s doubting his career choices and losing self confidence over some guy. He might have been the reason that started Seungkwan to worry  about everything else but he is not  _ the _ worry. Seungkwan’s too prideful to call him and admit that everything feels like it’s going wrong and he’s rethinking just about everything. Besides, these are things he should think through first by himself. 

 

Seungkwan just shakes his head. “Nah, I don’t think it’s the right time. While he’s away we both agreed to take some time away and really think about what we were expecting from each other. I don’t want to interrupt his process.” 

 

“That’s understandable.” Wonwoo hums under his breath for a second. There’s a moment of silence that settles between the two of them but it’s not uncomfortable in the slightest. When it’s quiet enough Seungkwan can hear the affectionate black cat’s purrs of content amidst all of the city’s background noise. Wonwoo might be right. This cat is definitely making this night better. 

 

As a loud crowd of most likely drunk people passed them on the sidewalk below, Wonwoo finally spoke up. “You know, New Years is actually pretty interesting here. A lot of people try to make fools of themselves on purpose to end up on TV the next morning.” 

 

“Eh, I’ve seen enough of my friends making fools of themselves in that party tonight.” Seungkwan replies dismissively. “I heard there’s a big fireworks show downtown but I don’t want to be stuck in the crowds of brainlessly wasted people either. I think I’m just in the mood for a quiet night tonight.” 

 

“Hm, me too.” Wonwoo replied back, feeling the absolute same way as him. “If you’d like, I have some games in my room. We could play video games or I have board games too if you’d prefer. Or we could platonically watch something on Netflix if you’re not in the mood for playing anything.” 

 

The last suggestion makes Seungkwan laugh slightly but he shakes his head in favoring something else instead. “Those sound fine but actually I was thinking of something completely different. How about we leave this party and head to my favorite diner downtown? I might be friends with the management so I can definitely get us a discount… and by that I mean free food.” 

 

And in that moment he swears that he sees Wonwoo smile brighter than ever before. 

 

From there on out the night was all rather uneventful actually. They just hung out at the Rose Quartz and Serenity Diner and ate their hearts out, even including giant ice cream sundaes to fully cure Seungkwan’s worried heart for the time being. 

 

Seokmin happened to out for this shift. Apparently he was supposed to be working but he skipped out halfway to go and watch the fireworks with some of the other workers. It would have been nice to see him but honestly, Seungkwan was probably better off without his chaotic energy at a time like this.

 

Talking to Wonwoo was almost too easy. They were able to go out to eat together on a whim, only about half and hour after meeting each other for the first time. It felt like something between them had just clicked so naturally. Maybe that’s what Seungkwan gets for spilling his heart out like that to a stranger. That doesn’t mean that Wonwoo was any less open to let out some of his own personal details later on though. 

 

Seungkwan finds out that he moved to America when he was about 5 years old so he doesn’t really remember much about Korea at all. He spent his entire childhood in some smaller town near Los Angeles and eventually thought he wanted to be a software engineer so he moved up to San Fran and absolutely hated it. Not the city that is, but the job. While all of this was happening he ended up talking to someone online and they ended up dating, which made him finally end up in New York and try a bunch of new things. That’s when he decided to pursue writing. 

 

Apparently the person he calls his fiancee is the same person he met online years ago, although they’ve only been dating for about two years or so. The engagement is all rather new but he can see how happy Wonwoo looks when he talks about his partner. He tells him that his fiancee also has a huge love for cats and decided to open up a cat cafe in order to help get the cats adopted. Mimi was one of the cats that worked in the cafe but they couldn’t handle giving her away so they just ended up keeping her. They’re also planning on adopting one or two more if Mingyu and Minghao are willing to let them. Seungkwan’s also really hoping that they do allow it because Wonwoo talks about the cats almost like they’re his own children. It’s all really sweet actually. 

 

“Since I can give you a discount at the diner, can you manage to give me a discount at the cat cafe?” Seungkwan suggests as he playfully nudges Wonwoo in the side a bit. “Maybe I can buy a coffee and you’ll give me a cat or two for free?” 

 

Wonwoo just laughs back before taking another scoop of ice cream into his mouth and talking around it. “Seungkwan, it’s a non-profit. All of the money goes to help the cats that are still stuck in the shelters! You’d literally be taking money away from them.” 

 

“And I do  _ not  _ want to do that.” He’s quick to change his mind as he puts his hands up in defense. “Something tells me that if I were to take a single treat away from one of those cats you would kick my ass to the curb. And your fiance would ban me for life.” 

 

“Hey, we might be cat people but that doesn’t mean that we’re as obsessed as you think. Besides, Joshua is the one who’s absolutely crazy about them.” Wonwoo laughs along with him for a second, letting the name of his fiancee slip past his lips without much of a thought.

 

It would be an ordinary thing in any other circumstance to reveal the name of the person you’re dating. But for Seungkwan, there’s something way too familiar about the name that he can’t shake off.  _ Joshua? _ As in the same name of the guy who worked at Jihoon’s years ago? The one who caused all of the problems between Jeonghan and Seungcheol? And the same person who holds the title of Hansol’s first love? Seungkwan instantly feels his heart sink to the bottom of his chest.

 

This is just his luck. Of course he had to make a new friend and that person had to be dating the same Joshua that caused all of the problems that Seungkwan’s  _ still _ picking up the pieces for. He’s not really sure whether he should laugh or sigh or just get up and leave. There’s probably thousands of other Korean people in this city but why does Seungkwan feel like it just has to be the Joshua he’s heard so much about? It would make sense with all of the bad things going on lately.

 

Despite not trying to think irrationally about this, Seungkwan takes a few moments to stir around in his ice cream and not seem to desperate about more information. “You said his name was Joshua? That’s the name of your partner, right?” 

 

“Mhm, his name is Joshua Hong.” Wonwoo simply answers back, not seeming to suspect anything. “Why? Did Mingyu or Hao already introduce him to you before?” 

 

Seungkwan’s quick to shake his head and look away. “Ah, I was just wondering if I heard it right… But no, I’ve never met anyone named Joshua before so I don’t think I know him.” 

 

“You probably haven’t. I swear, we’re the most boring couple in all of New York City. We barely even leave our house, let alone the cafe.” 

 

Because Wonwoo insists that they really aren’t the type to go out and about all the time, they could be thinking about two different Joshua's here. Afterall, wouldn’t the Joshua who worked in the bar be some sort of wildly outgoing party guy like the rest of his friends? He’s heard enough stories by now. If this Joshua acts anything like Wonwoo then it’s highly likely that they’re talking about the same guy. That’s what Seungkwan tries to convince himself with as he waits for Wonwoo to finish his ice cream.

 

In the meantime, Seungkwan can only stir his own carelessly, making everything mix together in some weird and ugly concoction of colors. It’s safe to say he lost his appetite awhile ago. 

  
  


. . . . . 

  
  


Since he hadn’t exactly been keeping track of time while lost in conversation with Wonwoo, it’s more close to sunrise by the time he finds himself back at his friend’s apartment. They’re probably going to ask him a million and a half questions about what he was doing and where he went but none of that matters. Seungkwan has a name he desperately needs to check. He’ll even wake up every single one of them until he’s absolutely certain that it is or is not  _ that _ Joshua. 

 

He’s in a rush to unlock the door and maybe a little too much so. He practically throws the door open and hurries into the apartment to get an answer from somebody. Yet the second he’s storming into the living room he’s starting to consider that maybe he should have checked to see if the scene was safe first. What he sees in front of his eyes is something that he definitely can’t unsee. 

 

The two of them are on the couch. Chan’s got his head resting on Soonyoung’s lap, looking up at him like he means almost the whole world to him. And Soonyoung is leaning down towards him and looking at him with that same little sparkle in his eyes as well. He’s pretty sure Chan is reaching up to touch his hair or his face or something and Soonyoung just keeps leaning down and letting him. That’s weird. When he left them at the party they were just playfully talking back and forth but hours later they had turned into this? Seungkwan just assumes they’re both completely wasted right now. 

 

He decides to mind his own business and try to sneak by without them noticing his presence. He’s not sure whether he really wants to get involved in whatever weird things they’re doing to each other right now. However by the time he quietly kicks off his shoes and slides his coat off he can’t help but to make his presence known. 

 

“UM, WHAT THE FUCK?” Seungkwan nearly screams out in shock as he witnesses the two of his best friends share a soft kiss on the lips. “Excuse me, but what the actual fuck?” 

 

Chan nearly jumps out of his seat to get away from Soonyoung, while the elder just glances up and smiles in Seungkwan’s direction. “Hey, I was just wondering if you were going to come home tonight.” 

 

“I was gone for only THREE HOURS.” Seungkwan can’t help but to emphasize as he finds himself pointing a finger between his two friends. Completely shocked and confused and slightly even horrified that all of this could have even happen. “I leave you alone for three hours and you two are already trying to hook up with each other? I’m sorry but what in the _ hell  _ is happening here _?   _ You haven’t even known each other for a week! And hell, Chan doesn’t even like guys!” 

 

Soonyoung can only shrug as a response while Chan still can’t really manage to say anything for himself either. The two of them aren’t planning on telling him anything after all. That makes Seungkwan suddenly snap and turn all of his questioning onto the elder instead. He feels like everything in his life is going absolutely insane right now. 

 

“Soon, you started all of this, didn’t you?” Seungkwan points out rather accusingly, not really sure if he should be angry or hurt or upset by all of this. “You know Chan is three years younger than you, right? Just because you like to flirt like crazy with everyone that doesn’t mean you can go and kiss my best friend like it doesn’t mean anything. And if you just want to kiss him to add to your little list that’s even more low of you!” 

 

“Kwan, it’s not like that.” Soonyoung admits with a soft laugh under his breath, not really understanding why Seungkwan is really getting worked up about all of this. “I know it’s weird but Chan and I were just trying some things out.” 

 

Seungkwan can only squint his eyes at the other in disbelief. “...Trying things out?” 

 

“Yes, and I know that all of this is going to sound a little strange but Chan and I decided that we kind of have some feelings of attraction for each other.” Soonyoung admits to him honestly, as patting at the area of the couch next to him in hopes that Seungkwan will sit down and listen. “It’s complicated and we’re not really sure what’s going on either but it doesn’t really hurt to try. And of course I was planning on telling you but I don’t really know how to explain things either.” 

 

Seungkwan can’t even move to sit down at the moment. He’s still too lost in feelings of utter confusion to really do anything else actually. He’s better off pacing around the room in an attempt to rationalize all of this.  It’s only when he realizes that Chan isn’t saying anything that he finds himself with even more questions. “Well, what about you, Chan? What do you have to say about all of this?” 

 

Chan can only seem to stare down at the floor, his eyebrows knit together in concentration as he tries to think up all of the right words before shrugging eventually. It seems like he gives up trying to rationalize all of this too. “I don’t really know what to think about it either. I don’t think I even like guys. I still don’t believe that I do. It’s just that there’s something about Soonyoung that kind of draws me in…” 

 

Watching Chan confess all of this as seriously as possible makes Seungkwan’s natural response of anger nearly fizzle out completely. He knows his best friend. At first it looked like Chan was trying to keep secrets from him but now he can see that his best friend can barely even look him in the eye right now. He’s just as confused as Seungkwan is right now too. A long sigh passes through Seungkwan’s lips. 

 

“Listen, I’m sorry for overreacting earlier… it’s just that I didn’t expect to walk in on something like this.” Seungkwan immediately feels the tension leave his body as he starts to understand the situation now. He makes his way over to the place Soonyoung patted on the couch earlier and finally took a seat. “It’s not that I hate it either. It’s just weird to see my two best friends from completely different continents develop a thing for each other.” 

 

“Of course it’s weird.” Chan agrees, letting out a laugh that somehow makes the situation seem all the less awkward. “I mean, I was planning to tell you when I figured everything out but… I still don’t really know what to say.” 

 

Seungkwan finds himself pouting a bit, feeling kind of guilty for jumping to such a big conclusions just seconds earlier. He totally overreacted. He finds himself shaking his head back and forth. “No, you guys shouldn’t feel like you have to owe me any answers. As long as you guys are happy then that’s all that really matters here.” 

 

Soonyoung just throws his arm around one of Seungkwan’s shoulders and pulls him in for a tight hug. “Hey, stop worrying about us so much. I’m gonna be extra careful when it comes to Chan so you have nothing to worry about! Besides, don’t you have your own things to worry about.” 

 

As Soon playfully starts to ruffle his hair all around, Seungkwan knows that he’s just trying to get his mind off of all this overthinking. He can’t help but to smile as the elder thoroughly ruins his hair with that funny laughter of his, and even Chan joins in on all the hair ruffling as well. “Hey, hey, hey! I get it! I’m not upset anymore! Just stop messing around with my precious blond locks!” Seungkwan has to practically whine out just to get them to stop for now. “I swear, it’s been feeling so dry with all of the bleaching lately that it might actually break off!” 

 

“Then dye it back to black, see if Jihoon even cares.” Soonyoung responds back with a friendly flick to his forehead. “Or go with that cute strawberry blond we were talking about before.” 

 

Chan’s eyes light up at his suggestion. “Light pink hair? You always wear pink, hyung. Maybe you should consider it.” 

 

“And I was thinking mint green?” Soonyoung ponders out. “I think I’m getting bored with black hair. It was fine for the fall and winter but with spring coming, I think a pastel color would be more suitable…” 

 

“Yeah, maybe, but that’s not really important now…” Seungkwan tries to get the conversation back to what he came here to talk about. Confirming Joshua’s identity. “I might have met-” 

 

“Oh!” Soonyoung suddenly screams out, almost jumping out of his seat. “It turns out your friends are dating!” 

 

Seungkwan almost screams back out of shock from the interruption alone. “What?” 

 

“Your friend Mingyu waited until midnight to make some big wine toast in which he confessed his feelings for Minghao. It was really romantic actually. Just like the movies!” Their elder explains, his eyes practically lighting up as he visualizes the scene in his mind. “And honestly, Minghao looked a little shocked and confused about what was going on but it turns out, he had some secret feelings for Mingyu too! Then they shared a big hug and the whole room started clapping and I think I might have cried a little?” 

 

“Yeah, you teared up a bit.” Chan confirms with a nod. 

 

“Anyways, love was totally in the air tonight! I mean, Jeonghan and Junhui went back to their room hours ago and told us not to come in so you can only assume…” 

 

“Um, gross but anyways...” Seungkwan shakes his head at whatever that implications means before persisting on to what he really wanted to talk about. “So remember how I kind of disappeared at the party? I ended up meeting one of the new roomates that Gyu and Hao moved in with. His name is Wonwoo and he has this really cute cat and we just got lost talking about everything. And I might have accidentally used him as a guidance counselor for the night. But that’s not the issue…. He says he has a fiancee whose name is Joshua.” 

 

“Oh, really?” Soonyoung glances up at him, perhaps getting the clue about what Seungkwan is wondering about. “If you’re asking me to check if it’s the same Joshua that worked at the bar, I  _ highly _ doubt it. Ever since he was fired we haven’t heard anything about him. It’s been three whole years. I doubt he’s even in the same city anymore. Plus I’ve never met anyone named Wonwoo before either.” 

 

“I thought so too but I have to confirm just to make sure. I asked Wonwoo for his last name and he said it was Hong. Joshua Hong.”

 

As Seungkwan reveals the full name he notices that his elder’s jawline seems to tense up in the slightest before simply shrugging. “I mean, yeah that’s the same name as the Joshua that worked at the bar but… there’s thousands of Koreans in New York, especially in the city. Think about how many people come here for vacations too! It might be the same guy but Hong is a pretty popular last name. There really could be more than one Joshua Hong in this city.” 

 

“The only other piece of information I was able to get from Wonwoo was that he works at some cat cafe downtown.” Seungkwan remembers to add. “Does that ring any bells?” 

 

Soonyoung hesitates for a moment before answering Seungkwan. “Honestly, yeah that does sound like something Josh would do. I mean, he was always talking about how once he got enough money he’d like to open some sort of animal shelter and he always had a thing for cats. But, even if it is the same Joshua, does that even matter? You’re not gonna try to meet him, aren’t you?” 

 

Seungkwan finds himself pausing for a moment, unsure of whether or not he was considering that. “I…. don’t know actually.” He confesses honestly, suddenly wondering why he even cares so much after all. “I think I wanted to know because Wonwoo seemed like someone that I could really be good friends with. But could I really continue my friendship with him after he’s dating someone who caused so many problems that are still hurting my friends to this day?” 

 

Soonyoung has to think about it for a moment. Seungkwan can see the way that his eyebrows knit together a little in deep concentration. “I mean, yeah. You should still be friends with him.  And Joshua too. It’s been three years, Kwan. Everyone has to move on sometime. I know Jeonghan and Junhui and certainly Hansol have much more scars about it than I do, but after three years I think it’s time that we all just more forward and start to let things go.” 

 

“You don’t think it’s wrong that I’m curious to meet him?” Seungkwan asks out hesitantly, deciding that that’s what he might really want. “What if I want to meet him and find out what type of person he really is?” 

 

“No, I think you have every right to be curious. When you joined our group you unintentionally got involved in all of our baggage as well. Of course you have every night to know about everything that went down.” Soonyoung insists, looking down to his jeans where he’s picking at the material absentmindedly. He has to be careful about how to choose his words here. “I think I want you to meet him. I’m curious too. There’s something inside of me that wonders what he’s up to. Is he still the troublesome person that I have memories of? Or has he changed himself for the better?” 

 

Chan, who had been listening this whole time and trying to come to understanding everything, finally speaks up with a suggestion. “If there’s going to be someone who can solve a problem effortlessly, it has to be Seungkwan. He’s about as open minded and patient as it gets to resolving things. I don’t think he could really hold a grudge against anyone really.” 

 

Seungkwan tips his head to the side with a small sigh. “I feel nosy being so curious about all of this… But there’s something in me that feels like I  _ have _ to meet him. Maybe I have to meet him and understand why Hansol is still so torn up about all of this.”

 

“Then go and meet him.” 

 

A voice speaks up from across the room, setting the three boys on the couch completely off guard. Seungkwan looks up quickly and notices that it’s Jeonghan standing by the doorway of his room. It seems like he had heard the whole thing. Not wanting to keep secrets, Seungkwan starts to feel slightly nervous and wanting to explain himself. 

 

“I think you should meet him too.” Jeonghan repeats himself again as the rest of them are still lost staring at his form in the doorway. “If you’re curious then go and do it. I’m tired of all of this tension lingering in the air at work. I’m tired of his name being some sort of taboo. I’m tired that Seungkwan is having his own separate relationship suffer problems because of it. We can ignore it as much as possible but it’s so obvious that we’re still being affected by everything that happened and it’s honestly just so tiring. We  _ need _ to start taking the steps to get over it.” 

 

Seungkwan is genuinely shocked that Jeonghan seems to feel so strongly about all of this. If anything, he was expecting their elder to react the most angry about this since he was the one who happened to be hurt the most. But now, perhaps Jeonghan is the one who is most actively willing to make an effort towards fixing things. It’s a complete turnover that Seungkwan wouldn’t have expected at all. 

 

“Listen, I’m not saying you should be the best of friends either.” Jeonghan admits with a small laugh as he pushes a few locks of his hair back behind his ear. “But if you can get along somewhat well and understand where each other is coming from, then I think that’s all you’ll really need to feel more secure about things. Especially in your relationship with Hansol. Plus since Soon never really fought with him, maybe you guys can go together to ease into things.” 

 

“I’d be down.” Soonyoung shrugs rather carelessly. “I have anything to lose.” 

 

“And I’ll be there for mutual support… but mostly for the cats.” Chan volunteers with a grin. 

 

“Then Junhui and I will stay out of it….” Jeonghan starts out before tipping his head to the side in thought as well for a moment. “For the time being. I think it’s better to start small and have a talk with Seungcheol. It would definitely make work more comfortable for all of us if we could be on speaking terms again.” 

 

Seungkwan can’t even believe what he’s hearing right now. He just earned Jeonghan’s permission, hell, he’s even being pushed into meeting Joshua for the benefit of the group. This is definitely not something he would have imagined witnessing in his lifetime. Things really are changing around here. It must be the New Year to blame for all of these things happening at once. 

 

“So I guess we’re going to meet Joshua then.” Soonyoung says out loud almost like he can’t even believe it himself. “God, this feels so weird. I feel like we’re going on a spy mission or something. It’s like a secret ambush of Kwannie’s unrelenting kindness coming to save the day!” 

 

Seungkwan laughs along with his silly remarks but this only causes Soonyoung to jump up from his seat with excitement. “I’m gonna go brush my teeth and go to bed immediately! The secret mission starts tomorrow so you guys better get enough sleep too!” And with that, he rushes off to the bathroom, where the sound of rapid tooth brushing can be heard even with the door shut. 

 

“Hm, we should probably head to bed too, Kwan.” Chan replies as he gets up from the couch and motions for Seungkwan to follow him. “I think we’ve outstayed our welcome here and I don’t really want to make Soon sleep on the couch another night so how about we go back to your place? Plus I’ve been dying to see it and my curiosity is kind of getting the best of me.” 

 

Seungkwan nods in agreement as he helps Chan gather his luggage and all of their belongings that have been scattered over the apartment for the past few weeks. Once everything is gathered the two of them set out on the streets, dragging their heavy bags along the crooked sidewalks as the morning sunrise starts to rise over the city. Now that it’s time to head back to his own place, Seungkwan doubts he’ll be feeling upset over the fact that Hansol isn’t on the other side of the wall anymore. Things are looking up. In shorter than no time, surely he’ll hear the other’s familiar presence constantly lingering beside him. 

  
  
  


. . . . . 

  
  


It does feel a little strange being back in his own bedroom after being away for so long. It looks just like he had remembered it but maybe slightly dustier than he had left it. Certainly he’ll have to do some Spring cleaning soon, as well make some space for Chan to settle in as well. As for now though, it’s been a very long day with a whole rollercoaster of emotions and all that Seungkwan can manage to do is flop down on his bedding and let out a long sigh of relief. 

 

He plugs his phone into it’s charger after letting it be out of battery for the past five hours or so. He still wasn’t expecting any messages so he didn’t care to keep using it but he figures he probably should charge it in preparation for whatever antics Soonyoung got them up to later on in the day. 

 

After waiting for a few moments and nearly dozing off in the process, the sounds of missed messages chiming on his phone makes him sit up suddenly. Certainly he wasn’t expecting anything, especially not from Hansol, but he can’t say that he was kind of hoping for it to be him. 

 

And when he reads that he actually has two missed voicemails from him, his eyes nearly double in size from the shock. And he clicks it immediately. 

 

_ “Hey, um… it’s Hansol. I’m calling because I wanted to wish you a happy New Year. You’re probably at a party or something, right? Well, I was sitting in the living room along with Mom and Sofia and we’re watching the New Year’s celebrations on TV. I know you’re probably not there downtown but for some reason I was looking for your face in the crowd of people whenever it switched to the audience view. I guess it’s kind of weird for me to do that, especially when I knew you probably weren’t even there but well, I guess I just was hoping to see you. I uh… I really miss you, Seungkwan. I don’t know when I’ll be back exactly but I’ve been doing a lot of work into my song while I’m here. I was thinking of show-”  _

 

By the time that the first voicemail clicks off, it’s safe to say that Seungkwan has a pretty sappy smile on his face. All that Hansol is doing is basically rambling kind of awkwardly but he said that he _ missed _ him. It’s enough to get Seungkwan’s heart soaring just a little bit. He’s quick to click onto the second one. 

 

“ _ Sorry, I didn’t know how long I was talking there… I was thinking of showing you the parts of the song that I made some progress on. Most of the instrumental parts haven’t changed but I wrote a lot of lyrics. I don’t know why but I think because I finally got away from home I was able to come up with a lot of new ideas. And uh… I don’t really know how to show you how they’d sound because I haven’t recorded anyone singing them yet. I figured that maybe you’d wanna do that if you were still interested. As for now I was thinking I’d sing them to you if that was okay? But as you know, I really might be tone-deaf so if it sounds bad you can just stop listening and delete this. I guess this is just sort of a trial run anyways so don’t concentrate on my voice and listen in for the lyrics instead? I dunno, I’ll just start singing it now…”  _

 

Next, Seungkwan listens on as Hansol takes a somewhat nervous deep breath to prepare himself as he starts the same familiar song that the two of them had spent hours working on before. Hansol’s voice is soft and almost barely audible to hear over the sounds of the instrumental but Seungkwan can feel him trying his best to sing to the best of his ability. And it’s all so sweet actually. He knows that Hansol feels insecure about his singing and yet he’s sharing the lyrics he wrote with him anyways. Seungkwan can’t help but to think that this is the most precious way that Hansol could even reach out and contact him. 

 

It’s safe to say that Seungkwan falls asleep listening to the recordings of Hansol’s songs over and over again. 

 

He misses Hansol soon but he can handle that. He can’t help but to feel that things are looking up for not only the two of them, but for everyone as well. 


	18. more than words

Seungkwan raises an eyebrow at Soonyoung when he finally arrives at their promised meet up place. Chan just sighs and shakes his head. There he is, standing in front of the subway station dressed in a long brown trench coat and very large rimmed sunglasses. He looks like an absolute fool. 

 

Seungkwan decides that he can’t look at him much longer without feeling ashamed to be with him in public so he quickly decides to pass him in favor of heading down the subway steps instead. “You know, when we were talking about going on an undercover mission I didn’t exactly mean dressing up like someone undercover… if anything, you’re going to draw even more suspicion onto us. Wonwoo already seemed kind of confused to why I wanted to check out the cat cafe immediately even though they’re still closed for the holiday.” 

 

“Yeah, you could at least take the glasses off.” Chan admits with a laugh as he swipes them off of Soonyoung’s face, leaving the other to gasp in shock. The younger pretends not to notice his devastated expression and takes the glasses for himself to wear. 

 

“You guys aren’t fun at all!” He practically whines back as he chases after the two of them downstairs. “If we’re gonna go out and secretly get some information on the downlow, we might as well dress the part!” 

 

Seungkwan can only laugh as he rolls his eyes at him. “Okay, so maybe we are doing this to spy a little bit, but I don’t intend on keeping  _ everything _ secret. I was thinking Chan and I would go in and assess the situation and then you can come in a little later and then say you work with me? Or would that seem like we’re setting them up? Maybe that’s not a good idea, maybe we should all just go in from the beginning and state why we’re there.”

 

Chan just clicks his tongue as he taps his subway card and enters the gate. “You’re just thinking about it too much. It doesn’t matter how we do it as long as we get all of the information we need to know.” 

 

Seungkwan frowns a bit as he follows Chan onto boarding the subway and quickly taking a seat. “It matters because I really care about Wonwoo. I know we haven’t been friends for long but we spent hours talking to each other that night. I wouldn’t want him to feel like I’m taking advantage of him just to get answers from Joshua but… I kind of am. I wonder if there’s a way to do this without ruining this new friendship I’ve made.” 

 

Soonyoung just smiles a little bit as he places a hand on Seungkwan’s shoulder.“You’re always wondering how to do things the right way, when in reality you’re probably the best among all of us at coming up with all the perfect solutions. There’s really nothing to worry about. Everything will be fine.” 

 

“I hope so… I really hope so...” Seungkwan nearly prays in his head that everything will all go as easy as possible today. As he gets lost in his thoughts and blankly stares at his shoes resting on the floor he finally realizes that he’s actually pretty nervous to how things will play out. If the train’s continuous shaking isn’t getting to him, he’s surely having quite a nervous aching in his stomach as well. This just  _ has _ to go right. Things have been wrong for so long that it just has to, for everyone’s sake. 

 

They only have to ride the train for a few more stops but each and every moment gives Seungkwan even more time to come up with more burning questions. What will he even say to Joshua? Will he have the nerve to tell him he’s dating Hansol now? Will he even get any closure by meeting him? And will Wonwoo forgive him for using this opportunity to meet Joshua? There’s just so many things that he’s worried about. He’s not even sure where to start the conversation. 

 

Most small businesses are closed for a few days after the start of New Years besides the big chain stores that make up most of the city.  The town in abuzz with all of the holiday shoppers to the point where the subtle bumping of shoulders and brush of shopping bags is inevitable. It also makes it a little difficult to actually find the cat cafe amidst all of the tourists. They circle the neighborhood nearly twice in confusion before they finally notice a shop with a big cat logo pasted to the front door. 

 

When Seungkwan had expressed interest in checking out the shop, Wonwoo had agreed to let him bring a few friends and visit on one of the days it was closed. That way they could be free to talk and play around with all of the cats without having to worry about any customers coming along. But as Seungkwan stares at the door and hesitates to enter, he still can’t help but to feel like he’s using the other in some way. No matter how pure heartedly he’s trying to come into the situation, he still can’t shake off the sense that he’s going into this with ulterior motives. 

 

Seungkwan lets out a long sigh before composing himself and starting to enter. “Well, I guess there’s no other time but now to get this over with.” 

 

“Should I come in now or hide outside?” Soonyoung questions out momentarily but Chan just takes his arm and pulls him along in tow. 

 

It seemed like Wonwoo was working on cleaning the shop as he stops pushing a mop around on the floor as soon as he locks eyes with Seungkwan. “Look what the cat dragged in.” He replies punningly as his eyes light up at their arrival, smiling cheesily at his own little stupid joke. “But either way, I’m surprised you found us. Since the shop is so small a lot of people end up accidentally walking past us.” 

 

Seungkwan can’t help but to smile at that as he approaches Wonwoo. “Thanks for letting us come on such short notice... I hope we’re not too distracting on your cleaning day.” He replies out distractedly as a cat starts rubbing against his leg for attention. 

 

“Well, there’s not much that we usually need to do today anyways. Just getting rid of all the loose cat hair, wiping down the tables, cleaning the windows. It’s pretty simple actually.” Wonwoo responds back with a shrug. Somewhere in the background Chan and Soonyoung are already off playing with the cats, their oohs and ahhs clearly audible in the background. “Josh’s position is a little more difficult than mine because he has to make sure all the ingredients to make the drinks are all in stock. Speaking of him though, he’s in the kitchen working on some drinks right now. I hope you guys like matcha lattes because he’s just learned how to make art out of the foam and he’s trying to perfect that skill.” 

 

“Oh, you didn’t have to go out of your way and make drinks for us...” Seungkwan replies rather modestly as he finds himself fiddling with his hands that are tucked in his pockets. He feels even more like a burden to them now. “Of course I was planning on checking out this place once the holidays were over but my friends kind of insisted on doing so earlier…”

 

As Seungkwan tips his head back to glance at the two of them, Chan and Soonyoung are trying to lure the sleeping cats out of hiding with all of the cat toys they can manage to find. It’s still rather early in the morning and seemingly very exhausting in Seungkwan’s own opinion. Instead, he finds himself wandering over to a table with a cat peacefully sleeping on one of the chairs. Almost as instantly as he buddies up to this new friend, the cat shifts it’s position onto Seungkwan’s lap and cuddles itself in the warmthness before falling asleep again. What a way to calm his nerves. 

 

He takes a look around the shop and he can’t really believe how cute the place really is. Not only are there a bunch of fun cat towers for the cats to climb on, but there’s even some areas where they can climb on the walls and explore all over the shop. The walls are filled with pieces of fan art as well as photos of successful cat adoptions. There’s also a mini corner where people can buy treats and toys to play with the cats even more. It’s all really interesting to Seungkwan actually. He’s never been in a place like this before so he can’t help but to keep looking around at everything in fascination. 

 

“The lattes are finally finished! Are they here yet?” An unfamiliar yet cheerful voice calls out as it enters the room, catching Seungkwan’s attention almost immediately. It couldn’t be anyone other than Joshua at this point. As Seungkwan’s eyes lock with the male who’s carrying a large tray of drinks, he notices how the other’s eyes seem so kind and welcoming to see him sitting there. Almost as if he’s genuinely interested to meet one of Wonwoo’s new friends. That’s until he turns his head to Chan and Soonyoung’s direction before his compassionate expression seems to wash away into one of pure confusion instead. He’s not really sure what to do but to other than set the drinks down in front of Seungkwan and take a cautious second look. 

 

“H-hoshi?” He asks out hesitantly, not sure if he’s really recognizing the correct person right now. Three years certainly have made a difference in some ways but there’s nothing more convincing than Soonyoung’s classic eye smile. Now Joshua does recognize him for sure. He just  _ has _ to. 

 

“Hey Jisoo hyung,” Soonyoung greets him pleasantly with the simple nodding of his head. “It’s been a really long time, huh?” 

 

There’s a moment where Joshua isn’t exactly sure what to do. Seungkwan can see him physically struggling with wondering how to handle the situation. He’s not sure how to put all of the pieces together. “You’re…. one of Wonwoo’s friends?” 

 

Soonyoung just shakes his head. “Nope, but my best friend Seungkwan seems to be pretty close to Wonwoo so I wanted to come and meet him as well. You don’t mind, right? Besides, I don’t think it could do any harm to sit down and have a drink together.” 

 

“Yeah, sure, no problem.” Joshua says a bit too quickly like he’s feeling slightly nervous and gestures towards the table, in which by now Wonwoo has also taken a seat across from Seungkwan. It’s almost like his partner picks up on the change in his tone and glances up at him curiously, wondering if anything is wrong with this. Seungkwan notices this exchange between them. Joshua just shakes his head and puts on a smile as he passes a cup of tea out to everyone. “Just be careful with the drinks, they’re still hot.” 

 

Soonyoung slides into the seat next to Seungkwan but directly facing Joshua. Chan’s left to drag a chair from a nearby table. While Seungkwan can’t help but to stare down into his lap and pray that absolutely nothing will go wrong today. He decides to let his elder take the lead and mind his own business until the right time comes. Besides, if he even spoke first he would have no idea what to say. 

 

“Thanks. This is really cute actually.” Soonyoung adds as he stares down into the cute little cat shaped face that lingers on the top of his mug. It’s almost as if he’s thinking about how to start talking about this situation as delicately as possible as well. “But you know, you used to talk about cats all the time back in the days when we worked together. I never would have expected you to really go out there and make your own cat cafe though.” 

 

Joshua just laughs a little under his breath as he shrugs. “Well, I had all the money in the world from working where we did. I just didn’t know where to invest it so I decided to develop something I really had an interest in and now, three years later, the shop has grown from three cats to ten. And I’ve learned how to become a barista in the process as well.” 

 

Hearing the talk about work seemed to pique some of Wonwoo’s interest. Whether that be out of curiosity or scepticism, Seungkwan couldn’t decide. “So you two have worked with each other before?” 

 

“Hoshi worked with me at my last job. At the bar.” Joshua explains simply but suddenly Soonyoung starts laughing at something he said. 

 

“Hey, you know you don’t have to call me by Hoshi! Do I look like Hoshi right now to you?” 

 

“No, but… I never learned your real name after all.” Joshua admits quite honestly, finding it a little strange himself not to know the other’s name other than his performance alias. “We never really asked back then.” 

 

“My name is Soonyoung.” He volunteers that information to him. “Maybe it was because I was still really young and curious when we first met but I remember your real name. Hong Jisoo. Isn’t that right?”  

 

“Yeah, that’s correct.” 

 

Soonyoung just nods his head for a second, somewhat hesitating for some reason before Seungkwan finally understands what he’s planning to do. “In case you were wondering, I still work there. Even my friend Seungkwan works at the same place we did. He’s taken over your position as the lead vocalist. He’s been with us for a few months and he’s learned everything so fast… he’s really done amazing things for us.” 

 

“I’ve really loved it so far.” Seungkwan glances up at Joshua as he finds himself being brought into the conversation. “I’ve met a lot of interesting people through my opportunities there actually. But not Wonwoo though. I met him by chance at the New Year’s Party because I went to  the same school as Minghao and Mingyu, who I’ve heard are your new roommates.” 

 

“Hm, small world then.” Wonwoo replies with a pleasant smile, perhaps not really understanding the depth of everyone’s connections. “I would have never guessed we had so many mutual friends between us on our first meeting.” 

 

“Me neither….” Seungkwan tips his head to the side for a moment, questioning if he still really wants to go through with all of this. He finds himself staring down at the green tea latte that Joshua had prepared for them moments before. With that funny little cat face sitting atop it. Seungkwan hadn’t even bothered to give it a taste because he’s far too nervous to even try to eat or drink anything. Chan has nearly finished his and Soonyoung’s little cat has far past faded away. By now, Seungkwan’s has surely gone cold. 

 

“Does everyone else still work there?” Joshua questions out rather casually, maybe questioning out of genuine curiousity or just out of politeness. 

 

“Everyone is still there. Jihoon runs the place. The main cast consists of me, Seungkwan, Junhui and Jeonghan. Seungcheol is still there too.” Soonyoung relays that information to him, in which Joshua doesn’t really respond other than just nodding his head in understanding. The room goes silent for a moment. Seungkwan can feel the tension that Wonwoo hasn’t exactly caught on to yet. He pets the soft fur of the cat settled onto his lap to temporarily distract himself. 

 

“Things haven’t really changed at all….” Soonyoung continues on. “Seungkwan was the only new addition and we’ve changed things up musically but the place is still relatively the same. And if you’re wondering…. Vernon is still around as well. He doesn’t hang around the bar but he just so happens to be in a relationship with Seungkwan currently.” 

 

“Oh, is that so?” Joshua turns to look at Seungkwan interestedly, in which Seungkwan can’t do anything but stare back at him. It’s like his throat goes dry for a second. He purses his lips. Nothing will come out. There’s just something about Joshua that he can’t hate. He’s heard such horrible things about him and yet he still seems kind in some way. Seungkwan can just tell by looking in his eyes. The Joshua that’s here today has no bad intentions whatsoever. He might be caught off guard and a little awkward right now, but in no means does Seungkwan think he’s capable of doing such things anymore. 

 

He feels Soonyoung place a hand on his leg, patting it softly as he takes over the conversation for him. “See, Seungkwan is in a pretty difficult place right now. When Vernon found out that he was a performer at the bar, he kind of lost it and ended up leaving town because he was so upset with accepting that. He’s still pretty hurt over everything that happened three years ago. Even though it was a long time ago, he was so much younger than even I was back then. It makes sense that he’d still have scars left over from everything. I wouldn’t say that he’s mad at  _ you _ per se, but he seems to be having a hard time dealing with some trust issues after that.” 

 

“I’m so sorry.” Joshua blurts out before he can even waste a second longer, bowing his head down in shame in Seungkwan’s direction. “I knew that there was a day where everything would come back and hit me with what I did to him. It was just a fact that someone else would get hurt unintentionally through my actions someday. And without even meeting you, Seungkwan, you ended up getting involved with my mess. And I’m truly and deeply sorry for that. But more than that, I’m sorry for how I treated Hansol.” 

 

Seungkwan feels like he can’t accept that apology. He doesn’t deserve anything here.  He doesn’t need the other to bow his head down to him. That isn’t going to solve anything. “This isn’t what I came here to do today.” He states with a firm shaking of his head. “I understand that you’re sorry and I appreciate your words but that can’t fix anything that’s already happened here. More than anything else, I just wanted to see a change. I want to see Jeonghan-hyung rebuild his relationship with Seungcheol, I want Hansol not only to trust me but everybody else he meets, and I’d really like for you and Wonwoo to live your lives happily as well. And part of moving on with these changes is finally meeting you, Joshua. That’s all I really came here for today.” 

 

Seungkwan grips his fists under the table as he feels himself starting to let out all of his piled up emotions. Chan somehow notices this and places a hand over one of Seungkwan’s balled up fists. “I wanted to hate you, Joshua. I really wanted to. You hurt my friends in a way that can’t be reversed and you’re not even around to see the pain that you inflicted on their lives that still to this day effects them. Even knowing all of these horrible things that you did when you were younger, I try and try to make myself despise you just for the sake that but  _ I can’t. _ I just can’t bring myself to hate you.” As he lets everything flow out his voice is surely shaking but he can’t stop now. He fears that if he stops to take a break he might not get the courage to do so again. 

 

“And do you know why I can’t? Because everyone else is finally starting to let go now. Jeonghan was the one who told me to come here today. He wanted me to meet you and gather my own judgements before I made up an opinion. He’s the one who’s actively going to meet up with Seungcheol and make things right after not talking for years. Junhui went after his feelings and even broke the rule of workplace dating to actively pursue Jeonghan. Jihoon finally hired me and gave me a chance after not hiring anyone else after you made all that mess. Mingyu explained his reasons for pursuing me in the past and came to terms with his own identity. Soonyoung never really hated you but he still wanted to come here and see you today. Even Hansol has chosen to take his time away to finally focus on where all of his hurt was coming from and finally dealing with it. I don’t have to hate you because of everything everyone has told me. And I don’t want to hate you because I can see how perfect you are in Wonwoo’s eyes. I can’t even hate you after everything because I can see that you’re proud of everything you’ve built with Wonwoo by your side. You’ve accomplished everything you’ve ever wanted here and I have to respect that. I admire that. And there’s no possible way that I could tear you down for all of the things that happened in the past because we’re not there anymore. Things have changed. Everyone just has to catch up to them at their own pace and pick up their own pieces.” 

 

“And as for me…” Seungkwan lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding in, coming to terms with how he wants to end everything. “I only came here to meet you. That was my last step before moving on as well.” 

 

By the time Seungkwan’s finished, he doesn’t even know what had gotten into him in order to make him spew all of those words out. He didn’t even know where all the words came from once they were all spilling out. It was all completely uncontrollable. It was like once his brain had shifted out of the way all everything he was hiding in his heart spoke for him. 

 

The room is nothing but silence for what feels like a long time. Everyone knows that this is between Seungkwan and Joshua now, therefore no one intervene until one of them speaks first. 

 

Seungkwan’s hands are still shaking. His eyes feel warm and sting of the possibility of tears threatening to form. But at the same time he’s so filled with adrenaline that he’s said everything he wanted to. He can finally sigh and feel like the weight everything has finally been taken off of his chest. 

  
  


“I’m sorry.” That’s the first thing that Joshua can bring himself to say once he lets everything sink in. “I know you don’t want to hear it, but that’s the only thing that I have to say to-”

 

“You don’t have to say anything actually. I don’t even know what you could say to me right now that would be able to change a thing.” Seungkwan interrupts him before he can get even get started. “I’ve already decided how I’m going to feel from now on. I don’t hate you and I don’t forgive you. I’ve just chosen to let go. Of everything.” 

 

“I think that’s a very mature decision of you, Seungkwan.” This voice catches his attention, his eyes flickering up to Wonwoo who’s just looking at him with that composed smile like he had done on the night they first met. Just like when they stayed up talking and Seungkwan had let his heart out on the line there too. “You’ve taken everything under your control now. All of those feelings were yesterday’s feelings. Nothing has to bother you as long as you don’t involve yourself in it anymore.” 

 

“And we’re not bothered by it anymore.” Seungkwan decides as he takes a deep breath and finally lets it go. “If there’s anything that I can do for my group of friends after everything they’ve done for me, it’s that I’m not going to let any of them even dwell on it anymore. All of the pain that they associate with you and the past is done with today. From now on, I’d like to start things new and form some more positive memories with everybody. ” 

 

Soonyoung can only nod along with him as optimistic as ever. “You know, Seungkwan’s relationships with just about everyone he meets has been nothing but good on the group. Hell, even Jeonghan-hyung made the decision to seek out Seungcheol first. I think they’re meeting up to talk somewhere today actually.” 

 

“That’s good…” Joshua finds himself struggling with what he could possibly say at the moment before realizing that maybe he doesn’t need to say anything important after all. He’ll just keep it simple and speak however he feels like from now on. “I exactly wouldn’t expect someone as stubborn as him to ever forgive Seungcheol either.” 

 

“Heh, I thought it would be the day that hell freezes over that I’d see him do that too!” Soonyoung retorts back with a laugh. “Anyways, Josh-hyung, you’re not gonna believe it but we’ve even formed somewhat of a boy-band at the bar. Jihoon lets us pick whatever songs and come up with whatever routines we want now! We’re not stuck doing those weird cowboy themed dances anymore.” 

 

Josh finds himself laughing along to this as well. “You mean you don’t have to do those weird movie themed role play skits anymore either? Those were absolutely horrible! I swear, the whole audience would groan as soon as he announced them.” 

 

It seems like Joshua and Soonyoung have picked up on their old rhythm of things as they share conversations about all of Jihoon’s weird rituals that he’d involve them in. Seungkwan can’t really relate but it is a bit nice to see them talking so comfortably with each other. As for himself though, he just needs a break after going through so many emotions all at once this morning. Just as he sighs and excuses himself to go and hide in the bathroom for a few minutes, it seems like Wonwoo picks up on his energy. 

 

“Wanna go outside and get some fresh air for a minute?” 

 

Seungkwan accepts his offer instantly. It’s really just what he needs at a moment like this. 

 

He follows Wonwoo out of the cafe carefully, making sure that no cats manage to slip out of the door as they make their way outside. The chill of the winter weather sends a shiver down Seungkwan’s spine. He’s accidentally left his coat inside but it doesn’t matter. He’s thoroughly overheated from all of the emotions he just went through so he gets used to the cold fast. If anything, it feels amazingly refreshing just to step away for a few moments. 

 

“You want a smoke?” Wonwoo asks out of courtesy as he lights one for himself before quickly realizing something. “Ah, that’s right! You’re a singer so you don’t smoke. Sorry, I forgot for a second.” 

 

“You’re not mad at me, are you?” Seungkwan asks just to make sure. Wonwoo is quick to shake his head as he puffs out little clouds of smoke into the air. 

 

“No. I’m not mad at you at all. You said what you had to say.” 

 

“I feel guilty coming here and ambushing you guys though. Soon just happened to confirm that it was the same person that worked at the bar and wanted to meet him. I was curious too. I just had to take the chance and acted on it.” 

 

“I don’t blame you. You had things that you had to see for yourself and you took the opportunity to do that. I mean, yeah, it’s not what I was expecting to happen today but I’m glad it did.” Wonwoo admits honestly as he flicks at the cigarette between his fingers, sending little fiery ashes down to land on the worn sidewalk beneath them. “It’s not that Joshua doesn’t think about the past anymore either. There’s times when it really gets the best of him and he can’t seem to move on either. It’s like the guilt eats him up alive sometimes. It’s been tough but I think what happened today was the best for everyone. No one has to think of each other with all of that stigma anymore. It’s just done. Everything is neutral from now on.” 

 

“Hm, maybe you’re right.” Seungkwan hopes as he leans against the building alongside Wonwoo, staring up to the winter sky that seems far too blue for such cold weather. “And even if you’re not right, I hope that we can fight to make things right. From own own perspective sides of course.” 

 

Wonwoo starts laughing softly, turning to Seungkwan with a crooked smile. “Seungkwan there’s no such things as playing sides anymore. There never really was in a game where everyone loses. But now, especially after you and I met, I don’t think there’s any differences in playing sides anymore. Aren’t we all connected after all?” 

 

Seungkwan’s not exactly sure how to answer him at a time like this either. But when he looks over his side and back into the shop window, everyone that they left inside the cafe are off chasing after the cats with the same stupid smiles on their faces. And Seungkwan starts to believe that maybe Wonwoo is right. But even more than that, he wants to join them.

  
  


. . . . .  

  
  
  


Seungkwan had been on a break much longer than his friends from work but he’s itching to get back into the swing of things. Now that Chan is settled in and all the loose ends are settled, Seungkwan’s mind has been filled with ideas for new performances and concepts and even stage outfits with all new makeup. He’s hit a creative streak and he just has to get all of his ideas out. But there’s one problem that he has to face. Jihoon. 

 

You see, Seungkwan’s birthday is coming up so there’s no better time than to ask for a little more musical freedom from his boss. But then there’s a catch. He kind of wants to ask him for a solo. Not just one, but maybe three or four solo songs just for himself to show off his potential and his true singing abilities. 

 

He’s already gone over his ideas with his friends countless times and yes, they love his idea. For his birthday they even suggested that he put on a mini concert to celebrate the occasion. He might not have his own songs written out yet but he would feel absolutely elated even to sing some cover songs to an audience. All of the guys give him a complete approval on his ideas but all that’s left is asking Jihoon himself. This could definitely be a hard task…. 

 

But in all honesty, Seungkwan is the baby of their group. He could probably get anything he wanted if he did a little begging and had the other guys come in and push for him as well. Although this is something he could do easily with the right help, Seungkwan wants to see if he can do it on his own. Victory wouldn’t taste so sweet knowing that he had to use his elder’s influence to help him achieve something. 

 

Seungkwan finds himself sitting across Jihoon in his office, located adjacent to the bar but in it’s own private little corner of the establishment. He’s been here once, when he was filling out all of the necessary forms of becoming an employee. That time was filled with a mix of nerves and excitement at what opportunities would eventually be coming his way and as for today, he’s left with the same sort of jitters running all throughout his body.

 

“So, what brings you here today, Seungkwan?” Jihoon asks rather expressionlessly as he swivels around in his chair nonchalantly. “Are you unhappy here? Would you like a raise?” 

 

“No, no that’s not why I’m here at all.” Seungkwan laughs a little as he vehemently shakes his head. “I’m very happy with my role and my pay is perfect enough to cover all my expenses. It’s just that I had an idea that I’d like to run past you. It’s just that my birthday will be coming up soon and I’d like to put on a special event to celebrate that.” 

 

“That is a very good idea. Usually in the past we’ve done things like come up with a special drink inspired after the performer, let them prepare a special fan meeting, or even let them decide the setlist for the night.” Jihoon explains to him as he takes out a pad of paper and a pen to get started. “Let me know your plans so far and I’ll send them over to an organizer to handle all of the details.” 

 

“Ah, all of those things sound great but there was sort of a new idea I was hoping to try… You see, since I’m the main vocal around here I’d like to put on some special performances for that night. I was hoping to put on a mini concert of a few songs to work on my singing career. If it’s successful, I’d even be willing to do a few more nights of shows so everyone gets a chance to experience it.” 

 

Jihoon’s pen stops on his paper as he takes a long moment to really think about the idea. Probably there’s a bunch of finances and numbers playing around in his head. The pause makes Seungkwan grow a little worrisome but he’s firm on getting his point across. 

 

“I went over all of the details with Soon, Jun, and Jeonghan already. We’ve been planning together all month. I have all of my songs picked out and ready to perform. Even though I’ll be doing solos, they’ve agreed on doing some background choreography for me as well. Actually everything so far has been a collaborative between us. Whether it be the outfits, or the stage directions, or even the decorations, we’ve all come together and came up with this.” 

 

Jihoon purses his lips for a moment longer before finally coming to a decision. “We’ll do one night then. Depending on the success of the first night, I’ll make the decision to extend the performances out for a week if I see fit. Since this is your first ever event with us though, I do want to take full advantage of the opportunity and get as much profit as possible. I’ll still need you to do the fanmeet, signature drink, and maybe even come up with some signed polaroids to give away as well. Do you think you can prepare all of that for next week?” 

 

“Absolutely.” Seungkwan is completely sure that he will be capable of keeping track of all these responsibilities as he bows his head down in thanks. “I won’t disappoint. I’ll make sure that the event runs perfectly.” 

 

And with that promise, Seungkwan vows to devote himself entirely to making sure that this event is everything he’s ever hoped for. He works his ass off practicing every day, while coordinating with the event planners that Jihoon has assigned to him. He might not be doing all of the physical work of putting on the event but he’s creatively invested into every detail of the project. And honestly, thank god that Chan is here to help him with everything. Whether it just be running out to get him a coffee or making sure that the assistants get all of the decorations correct, he’s saving Seungkwan’s life (and overall well being) just by being there to help. 

 

And for the first time in a long time, as the night finally arrives and Seungkwan steps up to his first special showcase, he’s not feeling nervous at all. He has absolutely no worries or any reservations about stepping out on stage tonight. He’s completely at peace of mind because everything has turned out just the way he planned for, down to all of the decorations, his perfectly selected tracklist, and all the help he’ll receive from the other guys tonight. And he’s been waiting for a chance to show his vocal skills like this for as long as he can remember. Maybe for as long as he’s been alive and found out that he’s loved singing. 

 

So Seungkwan sings his heart out for his specially gathered audience of fans. There might not be an extremely large group of people here tonight, but he takes pride in the fact that the club seems to be just as busy as usual and open to letting him take on a few solo songs just for him. They had added a few more pop style numbers than incorporated the help of his friends for the background dancing, because they’re still performing at a place like Jihoon’s after all. But when he finally gets on to what type of music he specializes in, such as his favorite emotion filled ballads, he’s pleasantly surprised by how quiet the room falls. The bar is usually unbearably loud but tonight, all attention is on him during his songs. It’s all rather amazing to see actually. 

 

Seungkwan is so happy with how his showcase turned out. All his hard work had paid off, and if the crowd tonight proved anything, certainly Jihoon will let him extend his performances out for the rest of the week as well. Perhaps this is the best birthday of all years to come. 

 

The rest of the night after performances is spent taking polaroid pictures with his fans and signing his signature onto the photo. It feels kind of weird at first because he can’t really comprehend how people would really want to take a picture with him and even want his signature as well. But once he’s moving through the line and meeting more with the people who specifically came to see him tonight, the reality of the situation starts to sink in. People really do admire his voice. He can’t believe it but people will come to his showcase just to hear him sing. It’s the highest amount of praise that he could ever possibly receive in his whole lifetime. 

 

But more than anything, that just inspires him to work even harder. First he conquered the showcase, next…. can he convince Jihoon into letting him record a single? 

 

Once he finishes greeting the line of people that came to wish him a happy birthday, it’s just about time for the bar to settle down for the night. It’s definitely been a long night but surprisingly, Seungkwan isn’t too tired at all. He’s still more exhilarated with joy than ever. Deciding to stop by the bar for a quick drink, surprisingly Chan is there to greet him. 

 

“Eh?” Seungkwan’s eyes widen in confusion to see his longtime friend there serving drinks. “They really made you work here tonight? Or more like Jihoon  _ let _ you work?” 

 

Chan probably figured these questions were coming. It’s almost like he had his answers ready before even having to think. “First off, I was the one who volunteered to work the bar tonight. Who do you think came up with the signature Boo Seungkwan inspired drink? Um, me, your best friend. Speaking of which, you still haven’t tried one! Let me make one real quick.” 

 

Seungkwan can only shake his head and laugh as he watches Chan rather skillfully make his way around the bar and pick out all of the ingredients. It’s almost like he learned everything he needed with one night’s practice alone. If Jihoon could see this, he’d probably want to use him on more busy nights as well. Or when Jeonghan gets too drunk to function or Soon gets too sweaty from dancing and needs to take a whole shower before coming back out to work. 

 

“So what makes up the famous Seungkwan drink?” He responds back amusedly as Chan finally places the finished product down in front of him. Funnily enough, the color of the drink looks something similar to his newly dyed pale peach colored hair. 

 

“It’s orange citrus flavored alcohol along with a large splash of strawberry calpico. It’s a little bit sour, a little bit sweet. But mostly sweet. Since it’s inspired by you after all.” Chan answers with a laugh. “I would think that a Soonyoung inspired drink would be something like green apple flavored, with a gummy shark and sugar coated rim on the glass. Junhui would be something sophisticated and real smooth but also fun, like maybe some sangria sort of mixture. And Jeonghan’s would just be straight up vodka. But some ridiculously expensive brand.” 

 

Seungkwan fully agrees with him and it’s evident with how hard he finds himself laughing at that. He almost spits out his drink at how accurately Chan has been able to describe his friends. It’s like he’s completely fit into the group although it’s only been a few weeks at that. 

 

“Speaking of which, where even are the others?” Seungkwan asks once he realizes that he hasn’t exactly seen them around in quite awhile. The bar is still filled with some people lingering around to finish their drinks, but other than that, he can’t seem to spot any of his co-workers anywhere. 

 

Chan just has a grin on his face that lets him know that there’s something he knows that Seungkwan doesn’t. “They left me a message to pass on. Go to the break room once you’re finished up here. They might have something waiting for you.” 

 

“A surprise party?” Seungkwan can only assume. “Don’t tell me that I’m going to have a party popper exploding at me as soon as I walk in the door.” 

 

Chan’s knowing grin only widens. “No promises.” 

 

And that look on Chan’s face definitely meant exactly what he thought it did. Practically as soon as he enters the breakroom, there’s handfuls of confetti thrown into his face and loud screams of Happy Birthday invading his senses. It’s all rather explosive in general but Seungkwan still can’t help but to laugh as Soonyoung picks him up into a spinning hug and refuses to let go until he can plant a big juicy kiss onto one of his cheeks. Jeonghan and Junhui take their own turns hugging him tightly, but with definitely much less spinning involved. 

 

One he’s finally done being greeted with all of their wild adoring energies, he can finally focus in on the message they wrote out with big glitter letters on the wall. HAPPY BIRTHDAY + SUCCESSFUL SHOWCASE. Along with all of the balloons and confetti and his pile of gifts settled against the wall, Seungkwan doesn’t really even know where to begin. His eyes start to water with now happy he has been today. It seems like things can’t even get any better than now. 

 

Almost as soon as his friends realize that he might start crying, they trap him in a big group hug and snuggle him in thoroughly, all while shouting out for him not to cry. And Seungkwan doesn’t. He’ll try to save all of his overwhelming emotions for later. Because for right now, he really wants to celebrate all of these amazing things happening instead of focusing on how surreal today has felt. It will be fine living in this fantasy for a little longer. 

 

“Hey, don’t you want to open your presents?” Junhui asks, probably trying to distract him right now. “The fans brought a lot of flowers to celebrate your show as well.” 

 

As Seungkwan simply smiles nods in response, Jeonghan steps forward first to reveal his gift. It’s just an envelope, which Seungkwan assumes to be a handwritten letter at first. He skims over the writing and already assumes that if he reads it, he’ll probably just want to cry all over again. He decides to save it for later but Jeonghan stops him and makes him read the small p.s.  written at the end. 

 

Seungkwan’s eyes widen nearly double in size. “Singing lessons?!” 

 

Jeonghan just chuckles under his breath after seeing his over dramatic reaction. “I’m not saying that you can’t sing well by buying you singing lessons. It’s actually the opposite. I picked the best vocal coach in New York City that I could find. I figure a teacher could help you pursue music even further than any of us ever could.” 

 

Seungkwan’s hands are nearly shaking as he holds onto Jeonghan’s letter. He reads the words all over again just because he can’t believe it’s true. He’s always dreamed of taking singing lessons. They were always something completely out of his budget and he never thought it would be something he could ever afford though. He’s so in shock that he can barely mumble out a thanks before Jeonghan just hugs him again. He understands that he’s still kind of speechless. 

 

Junhui presents him a rather large sized box for his own gift. Seungkwan takes a seat down on the couch to unwrap it all and he’s nearly gasping in shock again to see what the other picked out for him. It’s a professional recording microphone and headphone set that he can hook up to his laptop for when he wants to work on some music. Of course he had only learned the basics from Hansol so far but he knows that these types of equipment would be perfect for working on the song that they’ve been planning together. He’s so excited to show Hansol once he gets back.

 

Lastly, he’s left with Soonyoung’s gift to unwrap and… it’s interesting to say the least. Soonyoung has always been the prankster of the group so he expected at least a few gag gifts. There’s a bunch of stupidly funny things that relate to all of their inside jokes and crazy past memories and even a matching best friends ugly sweater that Soon insists on them wearing. But under all of the whimsical gifts he’s left with another handwritten letter to read, along with something that confuses him a little bit. There’s just a piece of paper with a picture of a present drawn on it. 

 

Seungkwan is clearly confused by this. He’s assuming Soonyoung would plan some crazy part two to this gift and send him on some scavenger hunt all over the city of something like that. Or he’s just genuinely trying to trick him into something. As soon as he holds up the paper and turns to his friends to ask for some explanation, he notices that something in nearly all of them changes. They all have mischievous expressions on their face, almost like they’re holding something back from him. 

 

They definitely have something secret planned for him. Seungkwan can practically feel it.

 

“There’s another gift but it was too big to wrap up.” Soonyoung replies back with an overly cheerful smile, practically exploding with excitement just to reveal the surprise right now. “Let me go get it real quick….” 

 

“Yeah, we’ll go help.” Jeonghan insists as he nudges Junhui along to go out into the hallway. Of course they’re acting suspicious but Seungkwan just hopes they didn’t do anything too extreme. He’s expecting a birthday cake to enter the room. Not something like a car waiting outside for him. He wouldn’t be surprised if they did actually buy him a car though, despite the fact that he can’t even drive. 

 

But once he waits a few minutes longer and eventually hears the sound of the doorknob opening, nothing could have prepared him for the surprise that walked through the door. It’s not Soonyoung, or Jeonghan, or Junhui. Not even Chan in some funny outfit, or a birthday cake, or even a car. It’s nothing that he ever would have expected to happen on a day like today. And he can’t hold back his emotions anymore.

 

Hansol comes in through that door, all along with a bouquet of assorted colored roses and his soft and gentle smile that Seungkwan has always found to be so welcoming and oh so resembling of home at the same time. And everything finally feels perfectly complete. He wants to get up and run to him, hold him in his arms and never let him go, so that he can never leave for such a long time again. But he can’t even do that. His knees feel far too weak. His eyes are overflowing with tears to the point where he can barely even see Hansol in front of his eyes. 

 

And Hansol doesn’t even need to say anything to let Seungkwan know he’s here for him right now. He just kneels in front of Seungkwan and takes holds his hand, patiently waiting for him to get over the initial shock of everything. Surely Seungkwan does need a moment to finally get ahold of himself but Hansol doesn’t mind waiting. They’ve certainly been waiting long enough already. Just a little more wouldn’t be too hard. In the meantime, Hansol will just hold his hand there, occasionally stopping to let his lips linger atop the skin and leave a soft kiss there. 

 

Maybe the fact that Hansol is choosing to stay is the best possible gift of all. 

 


	19. us against the world

Even though Seungkwan can physically see Hansol and feel the hold that he has in his hand, he still can’t come to terms with the fact that this is all really happening. Lately things have been far too emotional enough for him already. He almost can’t deal with the fact that Hansol really is here and sitting in front of him, simply waiting for him to contain himself and greet him properly. 

 

“Hi.” Seungkwan mumbles out rather difficulty with his hands still covering his face, his nose sounding all stuffy and locked from basically breaking out into a fit of tears just from watching Hansol enter the room. “Sorry but this is a lot for me to handle right now...” 

 

He just hears Hansol let out a laugh and it’s just as soft and melodic as he’d always remembered. It makes him feel so warm inside. Hansol really is here with him now. 

 

“Forgive me but I didn’t think a surprise visit would be  _ that _ surprising. Besides, I was planning on coming back soon anyways but Soonyoung made it sound really important to come back today.” Hansol admits, making Seungkwan mentally roll his eyes at his best friend who someone managed to make yet another person cross the country just to visit him. “Now I can see why he was so persistent though. Your showcase was absolutely amazing. I want to watch it again already.” 

 

“You saw it?” Seungkwan pulls his hands away from his face only enough so that he can widen his eyes down at the other. “You really saw my performance?” 

 

The other smiles and nods. It’s all a simple reaction really, but something in Seungkwan can’t hold itself back any longer now. He practically dives off of the couch in favor of collapsing into Hansol’s willfully awaiting arms. Now that he’s nearly sitting on him at this point, he allows for his head to rest right in the crook between the other’s neck and shoulder as he snuggles right in. It’s right where he belongs. Hansol’s hands fall into place on the small of his back and hold him there so securely. Seungkwan’s eyes still prickle with hot tears of emotion but they don't spill over this time. He finally feels so safe and warm and at peace with everything in this moment. 

 

“I worked so hard, Hansol… and it was everything that I ever wanted it to be.” He admits as he lets his eyes fall shut for a moment, just wanting to focus on the feeling of being together with the person he missed so much. “It feels like a miracle to me… how my showcase went so well and the fact that you were actually here to see it. I still can’t really believe that this is all happening. It feels like if you pinched me I would wake up from this beautiful dream.” 

 

He should have expected Hansol to take that literally just because the other has always been goofy like that. So he actually does pinch him. Seungkwan jumps a little in surprise anyways but he’s quick to give Hansol a tiny slap to the shoulder. He pulls back with a slight pout on his lips, although a smile is still threatening to take over. “Way to go and ruin the moment.” 

 

“Maybe I just wanted to see your face for a moment.” Hansol uses that as an excuse as he takes the opportunity to catch Seungkwan off guard, reaching out and cupping his face gently but firm enough so the other can’t turn away from him again. Seungkwan feels hot under his stare. “You haven’t looked me in the eye since I’ve walked into the room. I’m going to miss you even more than I already did if you keep trying to hide on me.” 

 

“I’m not hiding. I’m just overwhelmed.” Seungkwan replies back honestly, feeling completely self conscious about how his eyes might look all red and puffy right now. Certainly the tear tracks running down his face earlier would have smudged his stage makeup as well. Even though he tries to look at Hansol directly he’s just feeling more nervous than anything. It’s been a long time. “Sorry that I burst out crying a few minutes ago. I just really wasn’t expecting for you to walk through the door like that. I’m sure that I don’t look so great now...” 

 

Hansol just laughs shakes his head like he doesn’t believe any of that. “You look fine, Boo. You might think that a little tears could stop me from thinking that, but I’ve even seen you after you had severe jet lag, or when you tried to move an entire couch up three flights of stairs by yourself, or even on a lazy sunday in the laundry room when you hadn’t even bothered to wash your hair. And despite all of that, you’ve always looked more than just fine to me. In fact, I’ve always thought you were adorable.”

 

Seungkwan doesn’t really know how to react to that. He’s feeling completely red in the face and a thousand little butterflies floating around in his stomach. Actually he’s so utterly confused with what to even say at a time like this so he just kind of hides his face in Hansol’s shoulder and collapses onto him again. “Can I just like… hug you for an hour or so and choose not to respond to that?” 

 

“That’s fine by me.” He responds back with a chuckle that’s somewhere so deep inside his chest that Seungkwan can feel it rumble from underneath him. God, he missed Hansol so much. It’s become to the level where all Hansol has to do is laugh and he’s ready to throw himself at him and never let go. Luckily though, Seungkwan has never felt ashamed of his level of clinginess and fully intends on doing so until Hansol’s legs fall asleep or his friends burst in and interrupt them. 

 

Seungkwan finds himself momentarily distracted by how nice and familiar Hansol smells. The arms around him feel like they’re perfectly suited for only him. And he loves the warmth the other has always surrounded him with. His senses are at a complete euphoria when Hansol is with him. Now that he’s had a chance to let these feelings slip away once, he’s certain that he won’t ever allow that to happen again. His lips take the chance to place a slow kiss to the side of the other’s neck, lingering there long enough until he’s content in knowing that the other really isn’t going to go anywhere after all. 

 

“I think while you were gone I realized something too.” Seungkwan starts out by telling him, peeking up a bit so he can get a good look at Hansol’s expressions as he talks to him. “I’m really happy with where I am now. With my music, and my job, and my friends, and in my position in this city. It’s really better than all of the things that I could have imagined before moving here.”

 

“Hm?” Hansol angles his face down a little in his direction as he listens closely. Once Seungkwan confesses his thoughts out to him, he finds himself smiling down at him as his fingers move to gently tuck the loose strands of hair behind his ear with the utmost care. “I’m happy for you too. You don’t even know how incredibly proud I felt to see you up on stage tonight. There’s something really incredible about your stage presence, Boo. It’s like you put all of your emotions into every single word that you sing.” 

 

Secretly, Seungkwan finds himself angling his face only slightly more to feel more of Hansol’s touch. The other doesn’t even know the complete sense of relaxation he feels out of this. “But I think I realized something else too. Even more than just going out on stage and singing, I had the an amazing time picking songs with lyrics that related to everything I was feeling. It would be a lie if I said I wasn’t thinking about you when I was singing some of those songs…” He trails off slightly, taking a moment to let out a slow breath in order to recollect his thoughts. “But along with choosing the songs, planning out the decorations, and organizing the choreography, I felt like the whole process amounted to something absolutely magical. If only I could work on creating more music with you… I feel like that would be something I’d be more happy doing.” 

 

“You don’t even have to ask.” Hansol assures him with a knowing but excited smile that seems honestly like he has been waiting to hear these words someday. “I’d love to work on music with you, Kwan. I’m not sure if you’ve ever noticed but I always used to ask you for advice on my work because I always thought you could bring something special into it. I’ve known since the first day I heard your voice actually.” 

 

As Seungkwan’s thoughts start reminiscing into the past and memories of the time that Hansol caught him singing out his balcony window resurface, he can’t help but to physically facepalm himself into the other’s shoulder. It was so embarrassing to think back on. He just has to laugh along with Hansol at how ridiculous it all was. He had just been bored and singing under his breath at the time but it spiraled into accidentally meeting someone he’d form a half-year long relationship with. Just a little coincidence had matched him up with Hansol. And he’d fallen so hard for him in such a short time. 

 

And honestly, Seungkwan still does love him. He never stopped loving him. Not even once since the two of them had decided to take some time apart and still found their ways back to each other. Perhaps he’d already been loving Hansol since the beginning. 

 

Seungkwan feels a strong urge to tell him all of that right now now but he hesitates. He’s just so happy Hansol is finally back that he doesn’t want to ruin the light feelings of the moment with all of that complicated talk they still need to eventually do. He decides to hold back on those three little words for now, but that can’t stop him from staring up at him while lightly tracing one of his fingers over the other’s jawline slowly. It’s insane how Seungkwan feels like he might never get enough of Hansol to ever be fully satisfied. 

 

“You’re absolutely beautiful, Hansol.” He finds himself confessing, finger still absentmindedly traveling across the other’s skin while his thoughts are left stirring all over again. He had been intending to hold his feelings back a little longer but he just can’t help from letting some of them slip out. “Your mind is so beautiful. I feel like you could be capable in doing anything you could ever want with your music. But maybe you never realized it before because you had so much self doubt. You were always so afraid of being hurt by every little thing that you never took any risks. That’s something that I was always hoping that you would realize once you came back.”

 

Hansol’s eyes flicker down to his own, intent on listening so Seungkwan continues on. “I want you to try everything and anything you never thought you could and prove yourself otherwise. Even if you make mistakes and things go wrong, or if you somehow get hurt again in the process, everything can still be seen as a valuable experience. If you allow yourself to be more vulnerable and open to more possibilities, then I think your music will really take off and speak for itself. Then maybe you’ll finally realize how beautiful of a person you’ve always been in my eyes.”

 

Seungkwan hadn’t been intending to confess everything so suddenly, and especially not without giving Hansol a chance to respond back and share his own thoughts on things, but once Seungkwan started speaking it was like his heart had taken over and refused to stop until everything was left exposed. The words had just come so naturally from somewhere deep inside. They weren’t thought out earlier nor had he been planning on releasing them, but he can truly say that this is what he wanted Hansol to know from the bottom of his heart. That he’s always held him in such a special place and he’s always been longing for him to notice that since the beginning. 

 

Hansol had been left uncharacteristically quiet after Seungkwan had spoken his mind. Seungkwan had expected the other to come up with an instant but well thought out reply at nearly all times just like in their past conversations. That’s just how well they clicked together. Whether the topic was trivial or something as serious as their pasts or future worries, Hansol was always well prepared with a smart remark that would seem to ease all of Seungkwan’s worries. But as for today though, Hansol’s reactions are all too foreign to him. 

 

He doesn’t know what to expect from him next. Once the other doesn’t directly respond after a few seconds of waiting, Seungkwan adjusts his head on the other’s shoulder to sneak a peek at his face. And he can’t read it. He watches as Hansol sits there moving, eyes slowly blinking a few times as if he’s still sorting through his thoughts. Then his lips part open for a second and right when Seungkwan’s sure that he’s about to say something a long sigh passes out instead. Just as Seungkwan is about to start worrying about whether he said something wrong, Hansol finds his words before he could even get a chance to. 

 

“Seungkwan, I love you.” Hansol can’t stop himself from confessing suddenly, letting the words slip past his lips almost as uncontrollably as Seungkwan did earlier. Now it’s Seungkwan’s turn to let his eyes widen and look up at the other in complete awe. Now he definitely wasn’t expecting that. He  _ really  _ wasn’t even expecting to hear that anytime soon. 

 

It’s an absolute and utter feeling of shock and surprise for a split second but then he feels the pressing of warm lips against his own and everything feels so right again. Hansol’s lips. Hansol is kissing him and he just said that he loves him. Saying that Seungkwan is feeling completely in bliss right now would still be an understatement because when he closes his eyes and focuses in on that perfect feeling of warmth and tenderness, he can practically feel Hansol smiling into their kiss. And for the first time he can feel the love that Hansol has for him. 

 

Before Seungkwan can fully enjoy the comfort that Hansol’s kiss brings, the other pulls away a bit too soon. Seungkwan lets out a little noise of disagreement and visibly frowns just because he wants to be selfish with the other for a little longer. Hansol just shakes his head and takes Seungkwan’s two hands within his own. It seems like he still has something more to say and he’s been planning it for awhile.  

 

“I’m so nervous right now, really….” Hansol admits with a bit of an anxious laugh as he looks down to their intertwined hands, noticing now that his own hands are actually shaking a little. Seungkwan tightens his grip a little as he finds it all to be quite endearing actually. Hansol doesn’t have to be this cute and pull at his heartstrings even harder than before. 

 

Hansol finds himself having to stare down at their hands instead of at Seungkwan in order to get the rest of his thoughts out. “I don’t really know where to start but… I think even as soon as we left that day, when I was sitting on that plane, I already knew that I had overreacted. It was like all my tensions melted away as soon as I realized that I was really leaving. But more than anything else, I had regretted everything about our fight. I wanted to fly back immediately and apologize to you. I found myself missing you already because I didn’t want to leave on such bad terms.” 

 

“But I think there’s nothing to really apologize over now.” Seungkwan says honestly as he tips his head to the side in thought. “We both found the answers we were looking for, right?” 

 

“It’s just that because everything blew up all at once that I still feel so sorry about things.” Hansol admits, his lips tensing up into one thin line as he remembers how badly everything went down. “Most of the things that we considered to be problems were my own one-sided issues. I shouldn’t have taken them out on you. I never wanted you to feel ashamed about your position at the bar and If I cared about you then I should have trusted you. And as for today, I’ve really seen that you’ve done something amazing here. I can’t believe I was trying to make you feel guilty for working here just because I had some bad past experiences… that’s just not the type of person I would want myself to be.” 

 

Seungkwan just smiles softly to himself as he holds onto Hansol’s hands a little tighter. “You still don’t have to apologize though. I know you’re not the type of person to make me pick between you and something else I love. You were just in a difficult situation and you felt like a lot of past insecurities were catching up to you. I was never mad at you, Hansol. I just knew that if I let you go, you’d have an easier time at really dealing with those feelings. And I hope that you have.” 

 

Hansol’s lips stayed pursed together for a moment, allowing for him to take a second to really consider if he thought through everything adequately enough. It doesn’t take him long to decide that yes, he has. He has finally found his conclusion. “I have taken a while to think and I do think that leaving was inevitable in order to make my mind up on things. I’ve decided that I’ve finally got to let go of the past. It’s not doing anything but causing me even more pain and troubles if I keep dwelling on it. I want to focus more on my future, and you, and well,  _ us _ . If possible… I still want you to be part of that.” 

 

Seungkwan can’t control his soaring heart from holding back any longer. Of course just the fact that Hansol came back to make things right again is enough for him to forget their falling out completely. After all, all the Seungkwan really wanted is for them to get over all of these little worries and focus more on each other from now on. The words might have been said a little differently but Hansol was hoping for the exact thing that he was. Seungkwan immediately nods in response to his proposition. He’ll gladly stick beside Hansol for now and whatever times will come. 

 

Hansol beams back at him momentarily before leaning forward to press a soft kiss onto Seungkwan’s lips. Once again, before Seungkwan can even close his eyes and get into it, it’s far too short to the point where he’s pulling away before Seungkwan can really register how good Hansol’s lips felt on his own. When he pouts this time, Hansol just laughs and gives him another sweet peck to hold him over for now. “I’m still done yet. Just be a little more patient with me, okay?” 

 

“Fine.” Seungkwan responds back, still pouting slightly just because he has a habit of being difficult. “But I think I’ve already been pretty patient enough.” 

 

“I just wanted to give you something. Do you think you can hold it all in for a little longer?” 

 

Despite not wanting to, Seungkwan nods his head along anyways.“Yes, but I don’t need any gifts from you, Hansol.” He can’t even imagine what the other could possibly want to give him because that’s not what’s really important right now. “Just the fact that you’re here alone is enough for me to celebrate my birthday.” 

 

“Maybe so, but this is a little different... It’s not exactly a birthday present either. Just something I had to give you.” Hansol insists to him with a rather knowing smile, apparently he’s got something planned that Seungkwan has no clue what to expect. He hadn’t mentioned anything about surprises before. The other searches his coat pocket for a moment and finally finds what he’s about to present to Seungkwan. When he pulls it out, Seungkwan nearly has a heart-attack just by locking eyes with the object. It’s shiny metal ring inside of a black velvet jewelry box. 

 

Seungkwan pretty much jumps off of Hansol’s lap and finds himself standing upright, even though his legs somehow feel as light as a feather. This can’t be true, can it? What is Hansol even thinking right now? His eyes nearly double twice their usual size as he gapes at the other. “A ring? Hansol, are you trying to propose to me?!” Seungkwan’s voice nearly cracks as he points at the object.

 

Hansol struggles not to burst out laughing as he sees how ridiculous Seungkwan’s overreaction is. He’s nearly laughing out loud, completely uncontrollably as he stares up at a thoroughly shocked Seungkwan. Either way, he probably should have expected to receive such an explosive reaction from Seungkwan after all. At this point Seungkwan’s starting to realize that yeah, maybe his reaction was kind of too much so he finds himself chuckling along softly with the other. Plus he can’t stay straight faced while Hansol is practically losing it in front of him. 

 

While nearly crying from laughter at this point, Hansol has to force himself up from the ground with a bit of difficulty in order to walk back to Seungkwan. 

 

“Well, not today...” Hansol admits as he lets a deep breath in and out, taking a moment to try and pull himself together again. He leads Seungkwan back over to take a seat on the couch, all the while chuckling under his breath at how comical the other’s expression looked when he opened the box. “Come and take a seat and let me explain.” 

 

Even after they sit down Seungkwan has to take a moment or two to calm himself down while Hansol just laughs on and fans his face helpfully. He’s probably flushed completely red right now. It all must look so ridiculous that can’t even blame the other for laughing at him like that. But either way, he still can’t help but to pick on his boyfriend a bit. “Hansol, you can’t just come and surprise me while being dressed up all nice, bring me a jewelry box, and then sit on the floor in front of me and expect me not to expect some sort of proposal. You just don’t do that to people’s sanities.” 

 

“But I’ve known you for  _ six months _ , Kwan.” He emphasizes those words, still struggling not to laugh as he cups both of Seungkwan’s cheeks and pulls him close. “You shouldn’t marry anyone after just knowing them for six months.” 

 

“Maybe so…” Seungkwan agrees rather difficulty, now looking to just get this embarrassing moment out of the picture so they can move on instead. He pauses to let Hansol kiss him again before his eyes travel back to the ring sitting inside of the box. It does look rather shiny and impressive. “Then what kind of ring is it then?” 

 

“Take a look at the writing first.” Hansol instructs him and passes over the box as gently as he can. As Seungkwan brings the ring up to his eyeline with the most care he can possibly manage, his eyes scan over some Korean text engraved into the metal, “웃음꽃.” 

 

At first, he doesn’t recognize the phrase or the meaning of the words but after a few more seconds of staring at the characters, a sudden thought pops into his mind. 

 

They’re Hansol’s lyrics. The words that he received on his phone’s answering machine on New Year’s Eve. At that time, Hansol’s singing voice had been a little nervous and unsure of itself, and even a bit quiet too, but Seungkwan clearly remembers that being part of the phrase. After all, he had missed Hansol so much at that time so he replayed those messages over and over again throughout the past weeks. The words are a reference to the song that they worked on together. Their first song together. 

 

Seungkwan’s heart is completely touched by the gesture. It’s so much more of a meaningful gift that perhaps it’s even better than what he ever could have been imagining moments prior. As he turns to Hansol to check if his reasoning is right, he recalls the last line of the message that the other sent him.  _ “Even if we’re not together, just like always, our smile flowers bloom.”  _

 

And he’s right. Hansol smiles back at him so warmly that Seungkwan’s heart might have even skipped a beat. 

 

“Because of you, I was finally able to finish writing the lyrics for the song.” Hansol confesses as he gently reaches out for the jewelry box, taking it from the other only momentarily enough to slide the ring out of the packaging and hold it once more in front of his eyes to get a look at it. “I’m not sure if you’ve noticed but you were the inspiration for my lyrics after all. But even more than that, I think the song represents my feelings for you and the bond we formed together while we shared the same love of music. We started talking because you were a singer and I was a songwriter. It’s almost like we were meant to be brought together someday, whether it be in the same apartment as neighbors, or close friends, or even as musicians who worked together. And because I met you, I was able to complete a song that I’m truly proud about. With this ring, I’d like to give you the song that I wrote with hopes that you’ll record your voice onto the track and finish it. After all, I wrote it about you so only your voice would be suitable enough to fit it.” 

 

As Hansol holds the ring in front of his awaiting finger, Seungkwan feels his eyes prickling with tears again. It’s such a touching and generous gesture that he just can’t help himself from feeling a little emotional about it. It’s just not everyday that someone comes and writes an actual song about him. Yet alone, that someone even goes to the point of insisting that he sang their song as well. Everything is just going so well these days. He doesn’t know why the universe is being so kind to reward him with all of this happiness. 

 

Seungkwan blinks back his tears in favor of a smile instead, simply nodding as he looks up at Hansol with hopes held high and a racing heart. “I’ll happily accept your song, Hansol.” He says as if it’s a silent promise to himself, that he’ll do his absolute best with his recording and do everything he can to make sure that the song comes out perfectly. And even more than that, it’s a promise that he wants to continue make music with Hansol as a team. The two of them will go through the whole process together. 

 

Seungkwan notices that Hansol can barely contain his growing smile as he takes the step of finally allowing the ring to slide onto his finger. Once it’s snugly settled on the digit, Seungkwan holds it up to the light and takes a long look at it. It fits him perfectly and he loves the way the letters shine when the light catches them. Perhaps Hansol notices that he’s taking a long time inspecting it, which brings him to finally question. “So I think that means you like it, right?” 

 

“I love it, Hansol. Thank you so much.” Seungkwan insists as he throws his arms around the other’s neck and gives him another one of those long hugs that he never wants to let go of. He has to make himself physically slow himself down to really enjoy the moment. Although Hansol is definitely not leaving any time soon, he still wants to concentrate on every bit of the other’s warm presence that he finally gets to feel again. After all, it’s been so long. All that Hansol really has to do is return the hug by wrapping his arms around his waist and Seungkwan is practically melting into him. 

 

As Seungkwan nuzzles his face into the other’s neck, he can’t help but to smile softly as an idea crosses his mind. “I know that the ring represents more than just a ring but...do you mind if I consider this to be a couple ring?” He asks even though he’s already confident in the fact that Hansol will already say yes before he can even get all of the words out. The other only responds with a hum and a gentle kiss to the side of his head. “Good, you’re still my boyfriend then. Now that means I can still take you home with me.” 

 

“Yeah, but I told your best friend that he could stay at your place tonight so I think we’re better off going to my place.” Hansol informs him with a light pat to the small of his back. “Plus I’m really not so good at sleeping on the floor so I think we should sleep in my bed tonight.” 

 

Seungkwan mock gasps before he can fight the urge to laugh under his breath. “Hansol Vernon Chwe, are you implying that you’re trying to take me back to your bed after leaving me for a whole month? You think I’m so easy that I’d just jump into bed with you all over again?” 

 

Hansol pauses. “Wait, didn’t you just say you were taking me home like a second ago?” 

 

“Maybe so...” Seungkwan just blinks back at him before realizing something. “But all joking aside, I was thinking that the fact that we have two different apartments right next to each other is kind of a waste of time because we’re always only spending time at one of them.” 

 

“So then just stay at my place.” Hansol suddenly decides as he stands up, taking Seungkwan’s hand and starting to gather all of his birthday gifts and belongings together. “I have more things than you so it would be easier if you just moved all of your stuff in with me.” 

 

Seungkwan has to turn around and face him properly to make sure he heard that right. “Wait, are you actually saying that it would be okay if we just moved in together? I know that I’m the impulsive one here but you’re actually agreeing with me?” 

 

Hansol doesn’t really know what to say so he just shrugs. “I mean, yeah. I haven’t found a new job anyways so it couldn’t hurt to cut back on some of the rent. But if you think it’s too small of a space to share I wouldn’t mind paying a little more for a bigger place.” 

 

“Wait, so you’re not going to tell me that I was crazy for thinking that?” Seungkwan has to hold onto the front of Hansol’s shirt to properly get his attention while the other is still busy gathering their things. He’s completely serious about this and he hopes from the bottom of his heart that Hansol will realize that. “Because I was thinking that for awhile now and… of course it’s because I want you with me but I think there’s a lot of logical reasons behind that as well. We could save money on the rent and maintenance bills and groceries and hell, we could even save money for the heating bill if you were going to sleep next to me....”

 

Finding himself getting a bit distracted, Seungkwan shakes his head as he tries to collect his thoughts and focus in on the more important things again. “I don’t want to come off as too clingy but I just want to be with  _ you _ , Hansol. I want to wake up and eat breakfast together and stay up late watching dramas while sharing a blanket, and even spend lazy sundays cleaning the place with you. I’m as clingy and impulsive as people come but god, Hansol. I just hope you can see how much I would love to do all of the simple things with you. That’s all I would really need to be happy.” 

 

Hansol’s hands fall over Seungkwan’s own and gently take the time to slowly pry them off his shirt, all in favor of letting them settle within his own grasp instead. “I’m not going anywhere, Seungkwan. You don’t have to come up with all of these reasons to convince me to stay. I already made that decision when I came back in the first place.” He insists softly, his light brown eyes looking straight into Seungkwan’s own dark orbs and wordlessly giving him all of the reassurance he needs. “If you’re serious about making this decision then I’ll think about it seriously too. But….not today. If we keep standing around here talking it’s going to be daylight before we know it.” 

 

Seungkwan can’t believe how free he feels to speak his heart out to Hansol like this and have the other take his opinions so seriously. In countless past relationships before, he’s always been the person who ends up loving the other much more. He gets stuck like glue, attaching all of his insecurities and silent anxieties onto the other person as well. But as for Hansol, he notices his tendencies to need a little bit of support at times and it doesn’t change a thing about the dynamic between them. It’s almost like it doesn’t bother Hansol even a bit. Or he doesn’t even really think about it because it all doesn't matter to him in the grand scheme of things. 

 

It’s all just so easy for him to be himself around the other. Perhaps for the first time ever, he’s able to feel so vulnerable yet so protected by someone at the same time. It’s like he could sign his whole heart away to Hansol and the other would have handled it with utmost care anyways, with no need for any strings attached. The feeling of secureness that Seungkwan feels today is unlike anything he’s ever felt before. But he fully intends on taking it and running with it. 

 

“Hey, how would you feel about staying out all night?” Seungkwan suggests on a whim, glancing up at Hansol with a little glimmer of excitement in his eye. “We haven’t had a date in awhile after all. We might as well continue this night and see where it brings up.”  

 

And all he has to do is take hold of Hansol’s hand and lead him away. 

  
  
  


. . . . . 

  
  
  


“What are you even doing?” Hansol struggles to ask out in between laughs, currently watching Seungkwan jumping and dancing all around the blocked off streets of Times Square at such an ungodly hour. It’s too late to be considered night at this point and still not light enough outside to be considered morning so there’s something so surreal about where they are right now. All of the flashing lights are still illuminating the center of the city and yet the streets are almost empty at this time. It almost feels like time has stopped for only the two of them here. 

 

“Isn’t this weird? There’s nobody here!” Seungkwan finds himself fully realizing how lucky they are in this moment. “It’s completely empty! We could literally do anything we could ever want right now and nobody would even care.” He insists excitedly as he finds himself wandering back over to Hansol, intertwining their hands for another countless time tonight simply because he wants to feel him here by his side.

 

“Well, there’s certainly a lot of security cameras around us…” 

 

“Yeah, but when we were here last time I could barely hear you over the deafening crowds of people and yet we’re all alone here. Just the two of us. I could really do anything. I could sing in the streets, or dance or even…” 

 

As Seungkwan’s eyes widen with another wild idea in mind, he takes a step back and cups his hands over his mouth. “I’M IN LOVE WITH HANSOL VERNON CHWE!” He suddenly shouts out his confession to the whole square. It’s such an iconic place that it almost feels like he might be speaking to the whole city, yet alone the whole world at that. They’re in such a special place at such a special time that just about everything is starting to feel like a fairytale or the ending scene of a romance movie at this point. 

 

Hansol’s smile is so bright that it stretches all across his face and even shows off his gums. He doesn’t seem to hesitate clutching the other closer after the sudden confession even a bit. Especially not in the same way he had months ago when Seungkwan had said those words the first time they visited this place together. As Hansol’s arms firmly wrap around Seungkwan’s waist and pull his body close enough to bring them back together again, his lips fall onto Seungkwan’s own in the most irresistible way. Seungkwan feels his knees practically going weak as he feels Hansol smiling into the kiss.

 

He doesn’t even have to say anything to let Seungkwan know how he feels right now. But the fact that he does want to say something is nothing but another gift tonight. 

 

“You know I’m not the type to yell things out on the street, even when there’s no one around…” Hansol’s voice is nothing higher than a whisper as he leans in closely, his lips tickling against Seungkwan’s ear in a way that only makes him want to angle himself into the other’s presence even more than he already is. Perhaps Hansol had happened to notice this, which caused him to let out a breathy laugh before continuing on. “But Boo Seungkwan, I don’t know why I couldn’t manage to say this before but ever since you came into this city I feel like just about everything in my life has brightened up. When you came to me, it seemed like so much happiness came into my life as well. I’m not sure when I started loving you because maybe I wasn’t ready to realize it at the time… but as for now, I can truly say that I love you with all of my heart and everything that I have.” 

 

Seungkwan doesn’t know if there will be a time when he’s ever going to get used to Hansol saying things like this to him, because if there’s any indication by the euphoria of all the butterflies dancing around in his stomach right now, he doubt’s there’s ever going to be a time he won’t be shaken up by words like this. 

 

All the can even do at a time like this is bring his lips to meet Hansol’s yet again, arms wrapping around his partner’s neck as Hansol’s arms wrap around his waist, and the other almost starts spinning him around at this point due to the complete bliss they both share. Seungkwan can’t help but to laugh against Hansol’s own smiling lips at how romantic they’re being tonight. So then Hansol actually decides to pick him up and do just that. Seungkwan can only let out a sound of surprise as the other actually hugs him in the air and spins him around with all of the affection he can even manage. It’s just a bonus that he’s that much shorter than Hansol to be able to do this. 

 

For some reason Seungkwan just finds himself bursting out laughing once Hansol finally puts him down. It seems like he can’t contain his smiles from overflowing tonight. It’s almost like he’s drunk off of all the love that’s in the air and his body certainly feels that way. Maybe it’s because he did drink a little earlier, and the exhaustion from performing just hours ago, or most likely due to the high of feelings he’s struck with when Hansol comes around. Either way, Seungkwan feels rather light on his feet and a little dizzy just from how intently the other is staring at him unwaveringly. 

 

Something certainly had changed since Hansol had left. Seungkwan has never really seen this look in the other’s eyes before. He’s not sure how to read it exactly, but there’s something inside of him that takes pride in how dedicatedly Hansol’s eyes follow his figure tonight. 

“What are you thinking?” Seungkwan’s head tips to the side curiously as he questions the other, finding himself even more drawn into Hansol’s body language as he takes the steps closer to him. 

 

And Hansol doesn’t even have to say anything in words. All he has to do is place both of his hands on Seungkwan’s hips and tug him the remaining way closer, lips meeting Seungkwan’s own in a way more heatedly than ever before. Their teeth almost crash into each other’s for a split second just by the force of Hansol pulling him in, but Seungkwan submits to him almost instantly. Hansol kisses him again and again, to the point where if Hansol wasn’t holding onto him so strongly Seungkwan certainly wouldn’t have any strength in his own knees to keep himself up. His heart is beating so fast that it actually makes him feel dizzy. 

 

Then Hansol teases at his lower lip with small love bite before swiping his tongue in between Seungkwan’s lips as he finds himself unabashedly letting out a gasp. The other just knowns all of his weaknesses so well at this point that Seungkwan can’t hide anything from him anymore. As Seungkwan opens his mouth to grant Hansol even more access, he grips onto the front of his white shirt so firmly that if he were to add even a little more force, surely one of the buttons might pop off. His tongue moves around Hansol’s so hungrily in a way he didn’t even know he was capable of but he can’t get enough of the other’s taste. It’s like he’s become addicted to it. 

 

One of Hansol’s hands moves away from his hip as the other stays cemented there firmly to keep him from backing away. The free hand takes it’s slow time sliding over the curvature of Seungkwan’s lower back and up the rest of his body at a painfully unhurried pace. Seungkwan’s going to go crazy if Hansol doesn’t touch him more firmly. He’s just craving even more and more of his lovers touch with each passing second. Their lips never drift away from each other until the other grips Seungkwan’s chin for a split second, where they mutually part only to take in a quick breath before Hansol pulls him in again. As the hand smoothes its way into Seungkwan’s newly dyed light strawberry blond hair, Seungkwan finds himself signing out of pleasure against Hansol’s warm lips. 

 

That’s until Hansol gives his hair a bit of a rough tug and Seungkwan finds himself uncontrollably moaning into the other’s mouth. The sound seems to be a surprise to the both of them for a second but then Hansol’s tongue ungraciously pushes past his lips yet again and Seungkwan loves the way he’s manhandling him tonight. He can’t believe that they’re acting like this in public. He never would have expected actions as bold as this to come from Hansol yet he can’t get enough of it. Even though his eyes are closed and the bright and flashing lights can still sort of be seen behind his closed eyelids, he can barely even register anything else that’s going on in such a chaotic place. His mind can only repeat the same thoughts over and over again. 

 

Hansol. He loves Hansol so much. Hansol is all his. Finally, Hansol belongs to him wholeheartedly. 

 

“Call for a cab.” Seungkwan orders him rather breathlessly as he finally forces himself to leave Hansol’s lips for just a few moments. “Let’s go home.” 

 

“I thought you wanted to stay out all night.” Hansol blinks back at him rather cluelessly at a time like this. Seungkwan has to stop himself from physically rolling his eyes at him. He just takes his hand and leads him away from the town square and back onto the streets. 

 

“We’re going to go home for a little while.” Seungkwan informs him as he pulls him along. Once Hansol starts to realize what’s going to happen he doesn’t seem to protest much anymore. If anything, he’s already started to walk a little faster. “Then you’re going to make me breakfast. Just like you always used to do.” 

 

Hansol’s lips curve up into a knowing smile as he leans in and places a rather soft kiss to Seungkwan’s temple. “I’ll cook breakfast for you everyday if you’d like. We have all the time in the world now, don’t we?” 

 

And Seungkwan feels like perhaps the whole universe has blessed him with all of the love in the world just for tonight. The feeling is absolutely incredible. It’s like it’s just the two of them against the whole world and they can do anything they’d ever want. They’re invincible. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please check out https://ko-fi.com/citruseungkwan if you're interested in supporting my writing further!


	20. the importance of timing

Seungkwan doesn’t really know how he can be so lucky. 

 

In the past 24 hours, it’s safe to say that everything has completely turned around in Seungkwan’s life. A total and complete reversal. At this time yesterday he had been meticulously preparing for his first solo showcase, a ball of nerves and uncertain about where his future laid in front of him. Yet now it’s a brand new day, his showcase was a success, he starts his singing lessons soon, and next he’s going to try and beg Jihoon to help him produce an actual single… or at least point him in the right direction into doing so as an advisor.

 

And the absolute best out of all of these new developments, Hansol is currently standing in his apartment and cooking him a very late breakfast. 

 

Seungkwan can barely handle himself as he’s waiting patiently at the table. He tries to occupy himself for a few moments with staring at Hansol’s back, watching him dedicatedly working on one of Seungkwan’s favorite Korean dishes that he insisted on preparing for such a special occasion as his return. Seungkwan is thoroughly touched by the gesture but in all honesty, he’d rather have Hansol just scrap together something quick. Then he can have so much more time to bother him later. Speaking of bothering(adoring) Hansol though, he can only last for about five minutes or so before finally standing up from his seat and crossing the room to put his hands on him again. 

 

With arms wrapping around Hansol’s middle, Seungkwan presses his face into Hansol’s back. Finally he can indulge himself in breathing in some of the other’s signature cologne scent that he had longed for this whole past month. God, even though he’s finally here it’s like Seungkwan can’t get enough of him. Sighing dreamily against the material of the other’s soft shirt, Seungkwan not so secretly angles his face upwards to leave a kiss on the other’s nape. Then trails another a little higher up his neck. Then one behind his ear and another on his ear and up to his temple. 

 

At this point, Hansol can only let out that low and breathy laugh that made Seungkwan fall in love with him and pull away from the hot stove. Seizing Seungkwan’s hands within his own and turning around enough to face him, Seungkwan can hide his growing smile once Hansol’s eyes are on him. Caught in the act of trying to distract him all over again. 

 

“Before you ask me what I’m doing or why I’m trying to get your attention, I want to ask you something.” Seungkwan insists first as if he knows what Hansol is going to tell him already. The only possible options here could be one, complaining that it’s dangerous to fool around near the hot stove. Two, the fact that he’ll probably burn the food if he continues on distracting him. Or three, just give him a half assed kiss and tell him to wait patiently. However, Seungkwan is simply tired of waiting. It’s as simple as that. 

  
“Do you know how hard it is for me too see you here, finally back at my place and so selflessly offering to cook a full course meal for me, and yet still, you have the  _ audacity _ to stand there and look so good while doing it? You’re doing a lot to my willpower here, Hansol Vernon Chwe.” 

 

And instead of sending him back to his seat this time, Hansol genuinely has to laugh at that and shake his head at how ridiculous he boyfriend really is. “I don’t… even know how to reply to that but thank you and sorry? For... you know, just standing here and doing that.” He chuckles under his breath for a moment while simply looking down at Seungkwan, playing with his hands within his own as he’s not really sure how to deal with his boredom right now. “Uh.. do you want me to stop cooking and call for some takeout instead?” 

 

“No.” Seungkwan replies back with a small pout on his lips. For some reason he feels himself purposely trying to be a little difficult for Hansol’s attention today. “I want you to finish cooking but I wish you’d do it while paying a little bit more attention to me….” He slowly trails on, running one of his hands up the other’s forearm. It’s kind of a strange feeling. He’s never felt so attached to someone where he’d crave their attention even though they’re already next to him like this.

 

“Then let’s finish cooking together. Come here.” Hansol suggests as he tips his head over to the direction of the kitchen counter, before patting it once so Seungkwan gets the clue. “If you sit up here I’m sure you’ll get a good view of the food…. and uh me, since it seemed like you wanted to do that earlier.” He admits quite modestly with the clearing of his throat, moving away some of the empty food packages to make room for Seungkwan to sit beside his work station. 

 

Seungkwan can only beam as he opens his arms widely in front of Hansol. “Carry me up there.” 

 

Hansol can mentally think to himself that this is too childish and roll his eyes all he wants but he follows Seungkwan’s request without even skipping a beat. As Hansol’s arms strongly wrap around his waist and raise him up enough so he can sit on the kitchen counter, Seungkwan’s arms stay locked around his neck a little longer than necessary. He pulls him closer enough into his hold so that he can finally steal a kiss from his lips, a silent gesture that’s meant for thanking him. Seungkwan’s just glad that Hansol’s finally dumb enough in love to actually go along with his silly ideas. 

 

“This is weird.” Seungkwan remarks back quite peculiarly once he gets a finally chance to think about his current placement. Hansol goes back to stirring the ingredients around in a large pot as the elder dangles his legs off of the counter without a care in the world. “I thought doing this would be romantic like in all of the movies but in reality, my ass is starting to hurt and the steam from the soup is kind of uncomfortable.” 

 

Hansol just laughs and shakes his head slowly. “Yeah, but now you have at least half of my undivided attention compared to absolutely none before. And if that’s still not good enough, we’ll have to try this when there’s not a whole bubbling pot filled with hot water to avoid.” He replies back slightly distractedly, but still not distractedly enough to refrain from leaning over to peck Seungkwan’s lips just once more for being patient. “So what did you want to do today, babe?” 

 

Seungkwan’s head tips to the side as he has to really think about that for a moment. There’s a lot of big things coming up in his life soon and certainly things to be prepared if he managed to get a list together, but the problem is that he doesn’t want to do anything now that he’s finally got Hansol all to himself again. “Well, preparing for my show took a lot of energy so I was thinking of laying low and hanging out at home today and now that you’re here I’m sure it couldn’t hurt to stay in bed and roll around in the sheets all day… But I’m sure you have things you need to do too, right?” 

 

“Hm, not really.” Hansol replies back with a shrug. “Other than finding a new job, I pretty much did everything I needed to do while I was staying with my family.” 

 

Seungkwan’s ears practically perk up when he hears Hansol drift on to that topic. He had been meaning to ask him about whether anything interesting happened during the holidays. Now seemed like the perfect time. “You celebrated with your mom and sister, right? How did everything go?” 

 

“It went really well actually.” Hansol replies back, without any hesitation to talk about his family this time. Seungkwan still remembers when he used to keep the details much more secretive from him just months ago. “Not only did I get to spend a lot of time with my mother and my sister, but I got to see all of my cousins and grandparents too. I think I spent too much time away actually. It’s weird to see my sister look so much like a teenager these days, and the fact that she’s finally talking about liking these boys from her new private school. Not to mention, I realized my grandparents are getting older as well… I think everybody changed so much and I wasn’t even around to realize how fast time was moving. I should visit more often before I miss out on things even more.” 

 

Seungkwan’s head tips to the side for a moment in thought, simply watching Hansol’s skillful movements as he continues working on the cooking. “Hm, I think you’re right. Sometimes I wonder how my parents and sisters are doing back at home. I really don’t know how long I’ll be able to stay in New York but it seems like if I keep getting these good opportunities, I don’t know when the next chance to go back to Jeju will come, or even if it ever will.” 

 

“Of course you’ll have a chance.” Hansol insists as if it’s a fact, reaching over to place his palm to pat against Seungkwan’s knee reassuringly. “After you convinced your boss enough to finally give you a solo, I’m sure you could do even more persuading to take a week or two off. That’s enough time to fly to Korea and back.” 

 

“Yeah, but sometimes I worry if they’d really be happy with me.” Seungkwan admits softly, starting to mumble under his breath a little. “I mean, I abandoned my family’s business to come and chase after my dreams here. Hell, even Chan was their second best worker and he ended up coming here to find me as well. Now, with the way things are looking between him and Soonyoung, I doubt he’s planning on heading back any time either.”

 

As Seungkwan starts to realize all of these things, he can’t help his lips from spreading out into a worried frown. “I might have a great job at the bar but that’s not something I could just show to them and expect for them to accept. They’re just going to think I’m selling my body, like Chan did when he first saw pictures of what I look like working there. It would be nice if I could have something  _ physical _ to show them. Something to prove that I’m really working so hard here. Without that, I don’t think I could go back without any evidence of my efforts.” 

 

Vernon can only shake his head and smile knowingly at him. “Seungkwan, they’re your parents. Even if you only lasted one night in New York City, you know that they would welcome you back with open arms. It would be like nothing even happened.” 

 

“Maybe so. But I’m stubborn.” Seungkwan emphasized with a slight pout. “I think that’s why I’m so eager to finish recording the single. I want to put it out quickly so that I can send it home as fast as I can. It’s been almost half a year since I’ve moved and I’ve barely even told them anything about what I’ve been doing here because there’s nothing to say other than performing my way up the ladder. I have to keep working until the right people pay attention.” 

 

“You might not have anything  _ physical _ per se, but you shouldn’t downplay your accomplishments either. New York is probably the toughest city in the whole world. Most people can’t hold their head above the water here just because of how expensive and competitive the cost of living is. Yet you still found a job you love with great pay, you have your own apartment all to yourself, and you have more friends than you can count on your hands. Not to mention, you just left your country on a whim, which might I say was a horribly bad idea, but you still managed to make it work anyways. You’re absolutely incredible, Seungkwan. You’ve done so much in so little time and I don’t think that’s something that should be taken lightly.” 

 

Seungkwan had only been contemplating for a few seconds or so, but Hansol had fully let all of those thoughts fade away before they had a chance to even develop into any significant worries. The amount of appreciation that he had for Hansol just understanding him like this was almost overflowing. He couldn’t even thank him in words at a moment like this. He could only open his arms and wrap Hansol into the tightest hug he could even possibly manage right now. 

 

“I love you so much, Hansol.” Seungkwan makes sure to tell him this as soon as he can. There’s something inside of him that wants to tell him these words every single second if possible, just to make sure that Hansol can feel the truth of his words throughout his entire soul. He doesn’t have any fear that the words will ever lose their meaning just because of how genuine they are. “God, I don’t know how I would have done all of this without you here by my side.” 

 

“I love you too, but I’m sure you could have done it without me too.” The other replies back amusedly and Seungkwan can practically hear the smile in his voice. It only makes him want to squeeze onto Hansol even more tightly. “If anything, you should give some credit to your friends too. They’re basically your extended family at this point.” 

 

Seungkwan finds himself laughing at this as he only lets Hansol go momentarily, waiting for him to finish stirring around at the food before holding onto one of his arms possessively instead. After the other says something as special as that, now he really can’t seem to take his hands off of him even if he had to try. “I’m also incredibly lucky that most of my friends are also Korean. It only makes me more excited for when we’ll all plan a trip back someday. Can you even imagine all of us on an airplane together? That’s an absolute disaster waiting to happen. A very drunk disaster. Jeonghan would probably down an entire bottle of wine all by himself.” 

 

“Am I invited on the trip too?” Hansol asks out of curiosity as he laughs a little under his breath at all of Seungkwan’s visions that will surely come true if they were really to do so. “I haven’t been to Korea since I was…. probably about seven or eight years old? We went as a family to meet the other half of my relatives one summer. For some reason after my parents got divorced we never went back.” 

 

“I’d love to bring you back to Korea with me someday!” Seungkwan insists as he plays around with one of Hansol’s hands in his own, swinging it around a little excitedly as he starts to think of the idea. “Not only could we explore Seoul but I could take you back to Jeju with me and show you the best food you’d ever have in your whole  _ life _ ! Plus I could brag about how sweet my boyfriend is to my sisters and friends who always teased me for being single all the time back then. If you’re willing that is.” 

 

“I’m down. That would be an amazing trip. I might have to do a little saving before we start planning things, but it’s something I’d definitely want to do someday.” Hansol nods his head along enthusiastically. “In the meantime though, how would you feel about my sister coming down to spend some time with us in the city one of these weekends? She loves it here but she doesn’t have many chances to come and visit. I was thinking I should start changing that and start going back and forth between my hometown and inviting her out here more.” 

 

“Of course I wouldn’t mind. Why would I even say no?” Seungkwan found himself laughing a little as Hansol just shrugged. “Even if we move in together somewhere else, I don’t care if she comes to stay at our place. Plus I’m probably better than you at finding more interesting shops and famous restaurants to eat at so I’ll handle the itinerary. You can stick to planning all of the actual tourist things out.” 

 

As Seungkwan jokingly winks at him, Hansol just shakes his head at him before leaning in closer to flick his finger against the other’s forehead. Just to be annoying. Seungkwan immediately frowns and scrunches his face up. 

 

“You’re cute.” Hansol admires him unabashedly and Seungkwan can only pretend that the words don’t bother him and make him feel like his entire face is flushing bright red now. 

 

“I know.” Seungkwan replies back just to be difficult before letting out a sigh, trying to get his mind off of the way that Hansol just looked at him like that. “So, when are you going to be finished cooking?” 

 

Hansol responds by taking a spoonful of soup out of the pot and carefully blowing on it a few times to cool it off before holding it up to Seungkwan’s lips. Seungkwan cautiously accepts the sample by opening his lips and letting Hansol delicately spoon feed him some of the broth. Seungkwan’s eyes widen almost immediately as the spices taste almost identical to the ones used on his home of Jeju island, despite the other not even having a chance to visit his own hometown yet. He’s just amazed by how much research Hansol must have put into this.

 

“About fifteen minutes or so to make sure everything is cooked through properly.” Hansol informs him as he smiles back at Seungkwan’s reaction. It’s all too obvious that it’s perfectly suitable to his tastes. “I earned your seal of approval, huh?” 

 

“Yeah, now come and kiss me for the next fifteen minutes.” Seungkwan orders him, throwing his arms around Hansol’s neck as he gently leads the other closer, drawing the other in to stand between his legs before wrapping them around his form. There’s no escaping Seungkwan’s grasp anymore. He’s been holding onto his patience for so long already. “Now that we’re just waiting, I don’t think you have any other excuse to use on me.” He admits as he laughs airily against Hansol’s lips. 

 

And he’s right, because Hansol doesn’t even have to say anything more. He knows how to answer him in the only way that finally rewards Seungkwan for waiting for so long. 

  
  
  
  


…….

  
  
  


After spending the next two or so days locked inside of their apartment complex, simply laying around in soft blankets and relaxing at home, all so affectionately admiring each other and being so unrestrictedly lovey dovey with their actions more than ever before, Seungkwan starts to think that maybe they’re not missing out on anything in the cold weather outside. It’s almost like they’re entering the honeymoon phase of their relationship now. He’d be perfectly content with anytime, any place, and anything as long as he could just be beside Hansol like this. Knowing that the other is only a short distance away to hold and touch and feel is all so relieving after spending that time apart.  

 

The need to eventually leave the house arises only a few days later, in which they realize that they’re running out of food to cook at home and ordering out would only get too expensive if they made a habit of that. They’re both set on moving into a new apartment after all. And with all of the research they’ve been doing on upgrading the size of their space, they’re going to have to save at least a bit to make sure things go smoothly. 

 

Seungkwan never really thought that there would be a day where he would find himself excited to go to the grocery store with someone. That’s probably the last place most people would want to go on a date. But for Seungkwan, he’s feeling a little too excited about the chance to do this. He’s practically swinging himself off the back of the shopping cart as he follows Hansol through the store, all so oblivious to his joy as he carefully seeking out the foods that he’ll need for this week’s recipes. 

 

Shopping for groceries together was a simple task. One even most roommates or best friends even did together. But for Seungkwan, this means a whole lot more than just a simple shopping trip with someone he just so happens to be dating. They’re doing this together. They’ll be picking out food together. They’ll be dividing up the costs together. And most important of all, they’ll be eating those meals together. 

 

The days of occasional shared meals and dinner invitations at Hansol’s place are long gone. For now on, he’ll be indulged in the luxury of spending at least one meal a day together. And depending on how busy their schedules may get, Seungkwan is going to make an effort to commit to at least one sit down meal with Hansol every day. Even if he does have school or work in the mornings and evenings, there’s still going to be something special about enjoying the leftovers of yesterday because he made them with Hansol. 

 

It’s all a horribly cheesy way of thinking but Seungkwan can’t really help himself. He’s always been the type to find importance in the smallest of gestures. But with all of the talk about moving in together and focusing in on their future goals together, it’s safe to say that Seungkwan feels absolutely elated these days. He’s probably even more giddy now than when he was a kid and managed to convince his mom to let him slip some cookies into their shopping cart.

 

Actually now that he’s older and feeling oh so good today, he does manage to slip in some extra sugary cereal, a package of cookies, and even some sour gummies. He’s pretty sure Hansol might have caught him throwing things they didn’t need in their shared shopping cart but for today, at least he doesn’t seem to say anything. He’ll just smile knowingly and look away without calling him out. Seungkwan probably won’t even be able to get away with this much next time so his mission of sneaking even more into their cart continues. 

 

Eventually Hansol takes a notice to his extra chipper attitude though, pausing their shopping to sneak up behind him and wrap his arms around the other’s shoulders and hold him close. “Hey, what’s gotten into you today? I’ve never seen you so excited about going shopping before.” 

 

Seungkwan can only tip his head backwards to rest against the other’s shoulder as he cranes his neck back even more in an attempt to get a look at him. “What, I’m not allowed to feel happy just because I’m spending time with you?” He asks with an amused grin on his features, almost challenging Hansol back with his own question. “And who are you to question my happiness?” 

 

“I’m asking because I want to know what’s so exciting about today.” Hansol responds back quickly to the other’s stubbornness with a chuckle. “And isn’t it within my role as your boyfriend to ask you questions about whatever’s going on with your life? I should pay an interest in that, shouldn’t I?” 

 

Seungkwan can’t help himself from rolling his eyes at the stupidness of this whole conversation but laughs and plays along with it anyways. “Well, for your information, I was thinking of heading to my university after we bring all of these groceries home. I’ve made the very sudden decision to switch my major from English to Music.”  

 

Hansol’s eyes don’t waste a second before widening along with the smile that starts to grow as well. “Wow, that is a pretty sudden decision but it makes perfect sense. How many days did you skip last semester because you were bored studying grammar you already knew.” 

 

“Don’t remind me.” Seungkwan responds back with the click of his tongue before feeling a wave of seriousness wash over him. “For some reason, after the end of my showcase and your arrival, I just feel the urge to work even harder. It’s like all of the hard work that I put in feels so easy now. I could do everything all over again and I probably wouldn’t even consider it work.” He admits as he finds himself a bit lost in his thoughts at just the possibilities alone. Almost enough to forget that he’s still in a grocery store instead of only speaking his heart out to Hansol. “Jeonghan even signed me up for singing lessons as my birthday gift. What if I just drop everything else and focus on music completely? I just want to keep running towards the goal of debutting and never stop.” 

 

“I told you from the first day of our meeting that I knew you were destined to be a performer. I could just see it after a few minutes of listening you. If you didn’t pursue music at one point or another, I would honestly think that you’d be wasting that voice without sharing it with the world. If you’re set on committing yourself fully to it, I’ll commit myself to doing everything I can to help you with it too.” Hansol says to him almost like it’s a promise, letting the arms that casually wrapped around Seungkwan’s shoulders only pull him closer to show how serious he is about this to. “You can go to school and learn all the technicalities you need, and I can create any music you might need to accompany your voice. Plus I’m sort of already kind of involved in the indie music scene in New York. I’m not anything near to a talent manager but I might be able to pull a few strings here and there.” 

 

“Would you really be willing to help me out?” Seungkwan asks determinedly as he spins his body in the other’s hold, really wanting to get a good look at his face right now. From what he notices, Hansol doesn’t seem to falter. He could be 100% serious in helping Seungkwan towards this goal. That’s what makes Seungkwan nervous though. He knows how working in the same business with friends and family can often strain relationships when money is involved. 

“What if you get annoyed with me? What if there’s so much pressure someday that I snap at you? What if there’s disagreements about what style to push me in or issues with recording contracts or-” 

 

Hansol notices that Seungkwan is kind of getting way to ahead of himself here. That’s why he leans down to place a gentle kiss on the other’s lips in order to silence him momentarily. “Seungkwan, thinking that way is only going to make you find a way to doubt your gut feeling. As much as I don’t think that any of those situations are going to happen with us, I can never say for sure but you tend to worry about all of the small possibilities way too much. You try to psych yourself out so that you can come up with a reason to back away before you get hurt.”

 

And Hansol is right. Guilt bubbles up and sinks down to the bottom of his stomach as he realizes he’s trying to make excuses for himself not to even  _ try _ . He can be weak sometimes. He knows that. Those words are truthful and that’s what he needs to hear at this moment even if it does make him feel at fault for his nature. However, Hansol doesn’t stop telling him the reality of the situation. 

 

“If you really want to make it in the business, surely you will get hurt sometimes. You’re going to have to put in an immense amount of effort to the point of exhaustion. You’re going to feel like giving up will be the only answer at least once or twice or countless times along the way. But can you still accomplish everything you want to? If I were to make an honest decision, I would say that you can. Sometimes you can be awfully stubborn and you’re even more tenacious than you’ve ever possibly realized before, but as long as you don’t try to take on too much on your own… I would have no doubts that you couldn’t accomplish everything you’ve ever dreamed of. You’re going to need help though. That’s why I offered my skills to your advantage. I’m sure your  friends and Jihoon can do a lot to boost you higher up as well.” 

 

Seungkwan’s left with a strange feeling. Usually when Hansol spills words filled with never ending sweetness or praise of overflowing support to him, he feels so touched to the point where his eyes would water up with hot tears threatening to spill over. But today, as Hansol exposes him to the harsh reality of what he’s really trying to accomplish here, the normal threatening sting to his tear gland doesn’t even make itself known. Even more than that, Seungkwan just lets go of a deep breath he did even know he was holding. He notices that his fists are clenched down by his sides. The corners of his lips tip up in an unrelenting grin. 

 

“Why does that only make me want to work harder?” Seungkwan asks back as if the challenge has already just begun before he could even get started. He leans in to give Hansol a tender kiss of thanks for giving him the best possible advice he could have needed in the moment and quickly turns around to grab the cart, starting to head to the checkout. “So it’s decided now. Let’s go to the university and make this official already.” 

 

And as Hansol takes a moment to watch him walk away, all along with a newfound swing and skip in his steps as he hurries to leave the shop, he can only laugh and manage to shake his head at the peculiar spunk Seungkwan has always had, but burning even more brightly in this particular moment. “You are such a Capricorn, Boo…. Literally a walking stereotype.” He mumbles amusedly under his breath before hurrying to catch up to him. 

  
  
  


. . . . . 

  
  


After a long meeting with his counselor at the university asking him a million questions about why in the world would an English major want to switch to Music, Seungkwan eventually convinces them into giving him permission to enroll in the elementary level classes he needs to get started with. His schedule is certainly more filled than what he was used to last semester. It will definitely be an adjustment to deal with more work and keeping up with his role at the bar and all the late nights that entail with his responsibilities. Hopefully, if he ends up loving his new schedule as much as he thinks though, it might be worth sacrificing some sleep over. 

 

Although he loves his job as a performer at Jihoon’s, the chance to make his own music and lyrics someday leaves him feeling more inspired than he has in ages. He’s possibly filled with even more excitement than when he made the sudden decision to up and leave Korea on a whim. 

 

As soon as he left the meeting, he hurried back over to where Hansol had been patiently waiting for him while playing games on his phone. Seungkwan is all smiles as he slides his arm in to loop around his boyfriends, already finished with his first task and ready to pull him along to another one. “Let’s go to the bookstore to pick up everything I need for next week! If you’re lucky, I’ll also give you a tour of my school along the way.” He promises along with a wink.

 

His small university is certainly nothing too special. Compared to the countless other ones in New York City, yet alone to the whole state of New York at that, Seungkwan’s school probably leans more towards one of the universities that people don’t even know exist. The atmosphere isn’t competitive at all and it’s not known for being anything amazing to look at either, but for a young foreigner like Seungkwan who would literally study anything for a chance to live in America, he’ll take it without any complaints. 

 

Even though he might not have any interesting facts or knowledge to spew to Hansol in order to sell him on this tour, there’s still something special about holding onto his arm and sharing the places that he tends to spend his private time at. It’s almost like revealing a whole new aspect of his life with the other. They tour the library where he worked on his projects with Minghao and Mingyu while the librarian shot them strange looks for speaking in their foreign languages. There’s the cafeteria where the food is only a little bit decent, but has a great cafe to feed Seungkwan’s americano addiction. The small isolated corner around the hall from his first classroom, in which he’d catch up on his sleep in secret after a late night at Jihoon’s. Or skip class. 

 

There’s a bunch of little places with even more interesting stories to add onto them but Seungkwan decides to make this tour quick. The school might not be so entertaining by itself but certainly Seungkwan’s humorous stories are enough to entertain Hansol for the most part. But when it comes to entertaining  _ Seungkwan _ , just bringing Hansol here seems somewhat special to him. He never really had any opportunities to walk around school with someone he was dating before, yet alone being so open to the point of holding hands and being so obviously together. In fact, back when he was just sixteen years old he never would have even expected this day to ever happen in reality. Things have really changed so much for him.

 

“And here’s the bookstore.” Seungkwan reveals with a small sigh of happiness as they’ve finally reached their destination. “Now if that walking tour didn’t convince you enough that my school is absolutely amazing, I’m pretty sure that the fact that we apparently have a whole section of music theory books will blow you out of the water. But before you get too excited, I’m only buying the ones that I absolutely need so you better not get too attached to some $300 textbook. Souvenirs are not included.” 

 

“But you have a job and I don’t.” Hansol just frowns to play along with him. “I can’t even have one?”

 

“No, I’m gonna have to send you back to the library for that one…” Seungkwan laughs under his breath as he reaches into his pockets, struggling to find where he misplaced the list of textbooks his advisor had provided him with before eventually finding it. “By the looks of this list though, I think you will be pretty interested in some of the titles. You can be a nerd and borrow my books anytime as long as you give them back when I have homework though.” 

 

It doesn’t take long at all to find the only music section in the whole store. Seungkwan’s steadfast on completing this task as soon as possible so he can move onto going home and finally planning his vocal lesson schedules. Hansol takes a much more chill approach of grabbing something that interests him and just sitting down on a nearby seat to enjoy his time reading for once in a rare while. 

 

Seungkwan finds the first few books pretty easily, but as he struggles to reach up on his tiptoes and actually reach them, he finds himself at a loss for time. He pouts and curses his height as he realizes there’s no step stool to help him at a time like this. That means not only will he have to interrupt Hansol from whatever he’s concentrating on, but that also means that he’ll have to admit that he is in fact on the shorter side and does need help once in awhile. The other will  _ definitely  _ have a good laugh with this. And Seungkwan’s just about out of options for finding something else to stand on so he might actually have to admit his disadvantage this time. 

 

Just as he’s about to turn and ask Hansol for some help, the sound of someone clearing their voice and reaching up to grab the same exact book he had his hand on interrupts him. Then the scent of that signature cologne wafts past his nostrils. It’s a very familiar scent indeed. 

 

“You wanted this one, right?” Kim Mingyu asks with a shit eating grin on his face as he holds the book above his own head now, knowing very well that he’s teasing Seungkwan and playing a very dangerous game here. Seungkwan doesn’t attempt to jump up and try to grab at it like some sort of idiot. He just skillfully elbows the freakishly tall man right under his rib cage and snatches the book as the other folds over in a very late attempt to protect his stomach from any more harm. 

 

“You really thought you could make me jump for it, huh?” Seungkwan cackles under his breath as he clutches his book to his chest securely, keeping it further away from Mingyu and his antics. “Just because you’re taller doesn’t mean you’re smarter or wittier. It’s probably all of the wasted oxygen that goes to reach your elongated torso that cuts off your brain from functioning at a more reasonable capacity.” 

 

Mingyu just makes an attempt at sounding like a smartass as he mocks Seungkwan’s words back to him. Seungkwan doesn’t bother to glare back at him this time. In reality, all he’s really doing is looking at Mingyu like he literally could not care any less but maybe that works too. All Seungkwan really has to do is blink at him a few times in utter indifference and that will get him to stop. Within a split second, the goofy look on his face is replaced by a calmer and much more relaxed smile instead. “Anyways, what are you doing here?” 

 

“I’m here to pick up my books for next week. I’d assume the same reason you’re here too.” Seungkwan admits a little snarkily still, but laughing softly under his breath at how ridiculously the other could shift his mood around so quickly. 

 

“Yeah but what are you doing _ here _ ?” Mingyu now emphasized, raising a finger up to point at the sign revealing the Music section. “I didn’t know you switched majors. Now you’re planning on leaving me like Hao did too?” 

 

“Well, Minghao switched to an entirely different school. I’ll still be here but just in a different department. We can still get lunch together sometimes though, if I’m not worked to death that is.” 

 

Mingyu pauses for a moment, a glimmer of something suspicious in his eye as he hesitates before suddenly revealing what’s on his mind. “Actually, I might have dropped out of English too.” 

  
“What? Why?” Seungkwan gasps. “You were going to leave me all there by myself too?” 

 

“Full offense, but without Hao there, English class would not be able to hold my attention much at all anymore. Plus you barely even showed up so I was betting that you’d end up dropping school all together to be completely honest. Why would you want to come here when you have such a great job as a performer? It almost feels like you’d be wasting your time here.” 

 

“Exactly, so that was why I switched to music instead. I can only stay in this country if I study  _ something _ , you know.” Seungkwan admitted like it was the most obvious thing in the world because Mingyu was clearly here on some sort of study visa as well. “Anyways, what did you end up switching to.”

 

“Well, I didn’t pick music if that’s not obvious enough already.”  Mingyu shrugged before holding out some of the books he had just picked up for himself. “I decided to switch to photography though. It’s always something I liked doing so I figured I might as well make money from it someday. Plus once Minghao actually starts designing things, it would be fun to work together on a project and take a bunch of pictures for it.” 

 

“I never knew that about you before.” Seungkwan says almost as if he’s surprised by learning this. That’s when he’s suddenly reminded of the time when Mingyu used to try to pursue him and he had to let him down by using that against him. They really never learned much about each other despite being friends and hanging out nearly every day over the course of a whole semester. After everything turned more complicated between them, it was almost like he didn’t want to get to know more as he was afraid of leading him on. It’s a strange feeling that he’s left with. He’ll probably try to get over that as the new semester starts. 

 

“At least I’ve always known you were going to pursue music either way. That’s something I could have seen from a mile away, even from the start.” Mingyu admits with a small chuckle, almost as if he’s trying to hide some disappointment. “It seems like I’m better at remembering all of the little details about my friends though. Maybe you’ve been working too hard recently.” 

 

Seungkwan feels a little bad now in all honesty. He really hasn’t been paying attention to his original friends after everything had been so busy lately. “Yeah, I had my own solo showcase over the course of a week and it was so much work. I prepared for nearly a month ahead of time and I still didn’t feel completely ready so I went over the top by adding more. It was a lot….” He admits with a small sigh as he suddenly realizes that he’s talking too much about himself all over again. “Did you and Minghao manage to see any pictures of the showcase? Soon said he was going to send them to everyone.” 

 

Mingyu can only let out a hearty laugh at his question. “Kwan, we were  _ at _ your showcase. We were physically there the first night because we were sent tickets from someone. Of course we were able to see the pictures, let alone see the entire show.” 

 

“Wait, you WERE?” Seungkwan’s eyes nearly double in size as he hears this information for the first time. “Nobody told me you were there! I mean, even you guys didn’t even tell me you were coming! I didn’t even see you out in the crowd because I was probably too nervous...” 

 

“Yeah, we even tried getting your autograph to surprise you but the line got cut before we could make it.” Mingyu informs him with a small shrug. “Then we sort of realized it feels really strange to ask someone we see all the time for their autograph? That’s weird, isn’t it? So we just went home.” 

 

Seungkwan can’t stop himself from frowning now. “No, I mean, if I knew you guys came to see me I would have wanted to hang out for awhile too… I really don’t know why nobody came to tell me that you were coming. And no, I wouldn’t have wanted to see you in the autograph line but backstage with me. Next time for sure I’ll make sure to invite you guys myself and deal with the backstage passes. It was just my first showcase ever and there was already so much going on that I wasn’t able to perfect everything completely… I’m really going to have to work on that for next time.” 

 

“Hey, it’s no big deal. It’s completely out of your control and I get that.” Mingyu insists kindly as he reaches out to place his hand on Seungkwan’s shoulder, trying to get him to stop worrying so much. “Besides, next time I’m sure Wonwoo will want a ticket too. He still keeps mentioning you all the time and asking us all of these questions about how you’re doing even though classes haven’t even started yet. And hell, maybe you can even convince Joshua into stepping into that place with a disguise on. That would be pretty funny to trick Jihoon too.” 

 

Something inside Seungkwan’s brain stops for a second. He had nearly forgotten that Hansol was still beside them because he had been reading so quietly on the floor nearly and the conversation with Mingyu got out of control in the beginning. Seungkwan still hadn’t told Hansol that he had met up with Joshua over the winter break. Mingyu just casually dropped Joshua’s name in conversation because he didn’t know who Hansol was yet. Seungkwan nearly feels a cold sweat drip down his neck and jumps in to stop this before Mingyu can manage to name drop him again. 

 

He clears the back of his throat as he tips his head over to Hansol’s direction. “Mingyu, I don’t know if I’ve introduced you to my boyfriend yet, but this is Hansol…. Um, I mean Vernon. I think we have some mutual friends in common but they all call him by Vernon actually.” 

 

“Oh.  _ Oh _ .” Mingyu mumbles to himself under his breath before pausing completely. Now he gets it. It takes a bit of an effort to try and act natural as he bows rather awkwardly in the sitting male’s direction. “Hey, I’m Kim Mingyu. I’ve been friends with Seungkwan since we met in English class. Nice to finally meet you.” 

 

Seungkwan nearly snaps his neck trying to get a clear look at Hansol’s expression. So far, it looks like he hasn’t noticed a thing yet. He’s got his normal laid back smile on his face as he reaches out a hand of his own to offer Mingyu a handshake. “Hey, it’s nice to finally meet you as well. Seungkwan just told me a lot about what kind of adventures you got into around here.” 

 

“Yeah, some pretty wild stuff, huh?” Mingyu tries to laugh a little bit to hide some of the tension he feels from his side of things. “Well, it’s too bad we finally had to meet when I only have a few minutes to spare. I have to head home for something so I guess I’ll be uh…. going to pay for these now.” As he quickly counts the books that he’s clutching his chest to make sure he actually has them all, he pauses before leaving to shoot Seungkwan a sympathetic look. “Anyways, I’ll see you on Monday, Kwan. Good luck.” 

 

“Bye, Mingyu.” Seungkwan tries his best to smile and wave him off to the best of his ability. Yet the second that he’s gone and off to pay, Seungkwan feels the weight of guilt wearing on him. He’s not even sure if he can look Hansol in the eye right now. Luckily he doesn’t have to, as the other decides to turn back to his book without acknowledging anything. But Seungkwan knows better. He knows that Hansol was probably listening all along. 

 

“You heard that, didn’t you?” 

 

“Yes.” Hansol replies back simply, not even bothering to look up from his book. 

 

“Are you mad?” 

 

“No, not unless I have something to be mad about.” 

 

Now that was a loaded statement. Seungkwan can only sigh as he sinks down against the shelf to take a rather defeated seat next to him. “No, I don’t think you have anything to be mad about. Not until I can explain what happened first. It was all sort of an accident really but I ended up meeting Joshua. It turns out, he’s one of Mingyu and Minghao’s new roommates. But I didn’t even know he was  _ the _ Joshua until I checked it with Soonyoung and yeah, it’s the same guy.” 

 

“So… what did you end up doing about it?” 

 

It’s usual for Hansol to be rather quiet. It’s not so usual for Hansol to be so reserved though. That’s what makes Seungkwan worried. 

 

“Soon had some words to tell him. Mostly Jeonghan had some messages to pass along too. But… I was curious. I wanted to see what he was like for myself. So I paid him a visit.” 

 

“And?” 

 

“And what?” Seungkwan asks, nervous to the point where he thinks his voice could crack if he said anymore. 

 

“And what did you learn from meeting him? What did you accomplish?” 

 

Now that’s a tough question. Seungkwan wraps his arms around his knees and draws them closer to his chest. “I was mostly there to accompany Soon, but it looks like the guys are starting to clear some of the bad air between them. I went there to tell Joshua that no matter what had happened in the past between my friends or with you, that I won’t form an opinion on him unless I can judge his character with my own hand.” 

 

“That’s actually… very mature of you.” Hansol admits almost like he can’t believe it, even almost chuckling under his breath at this point. “I thought you were going to say that you went there to call him out. You seem like the type to be so loyal that you’d play on the defense.” 

 

“Even if I wanted to get angry or yell at him, I can’t yell at someone who’s trying their best. He’s opened up this really cute cafe in hopes of getting some of the cats who live there adopted into welcoming families. The shop is amazing actually. There’s nothing like it anywhere else in New York or Korea at that, I’m absolutely certain.” Seungkwan admits with a small smile as he tips his head sideways to rest on Hansol’s shoulder. Maybe to show him that he’s with him rather than against him. “I’m not sure if you’d want to know this part but he’s engaged to another one of my friends. The guy’s name is Wonwoo and he’s close with Mingyu and Hao, also the other roommate. I was kind of sad and upset about not spending the holiday with you and he ended up comforting me into believing everything would eventually be okay in the end. I haven’t known Wonwoo for very long but he’s such a supportive figure in my life. If someone like Joshua is able to be accepted by someone as sincerely kind as him, then I don’t think I could even manage to boil my blood over any of the wrongdoings in his past.” 

 

Seungkwan feels Hansol’s fingers gently patting the top of his head, slightly brushing through the hair as the top of his head with utmost care. “You’ve put a lot of time and effort into thinking this though, huh?” 

 

“Because I don’t want to upset you over wanting to meet him. I just had to meet him for myself and fully access the situation. Sure, you could think that it’s not my business and the fact that I’m prying could have made you angry, but I don’t see it that way. As long as it’s something that still affects my friends and the person that I love the most, I just had to see it for myself.” 

 

Hansol takes a moment to let out a long sigh, perhaps trying to calm down any of the worries he had for himself. “I’m not mad. I don’t think I could be anymore. I was only shocked to hear that you knew him mostly…. but I’m definitely not mad.” 

 

“Mingyu doesn’t mean any harm either. He’s just…. A little bad at keeping his mouth shut. Besides, maybe his way of diffusing the situation is making jokes about it.” Seungkwan admits with a little laugh, shutting his eyes and relishing in the soft touches at the top of his head that Hansol had yet to cease. “Maybe I didn’t owe you this much explanation either but we made a promise to be more honest with each other this time around. I think if we were always open and willing to at least listen to each other, it would be less difficult to get upset about things in the future. Can you make me that promise too, Hansol? Will you always listen no matter how bad things may seem?” 

 

Hansol doesn’t answer for a moment. He doesn’t have to. All that he has to do in order to assure Seungkwan that he’s agreeing to that promise is within his action of leaning forwards, placing his lips to the other’s forehead and letting them linger there for quite a moment. Seungkwan feels his heart race as the warm lips on his skin never wave with uncertainty. Then his heart just feels warm. He’s completely comfortable and at ease in this moment. And if he's comparing this feeling to anything he’s ever heard before, then that’s what true love was always supposed to feel like. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for being super late with this update!  
>  i was met with some unexpected health problems that took two whole weeks of my time away from me but i am feeling better now and hopefully that won't happen again.   
> thanks so much for waiting in the meantime though!


	21. that's love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is probably my favorite chapter than i have ever written  
> in this series and probably in general too though??   
> it's super long though and i really proof-read lightly (emphasize lightly) so please forgive any little mistakes  
> after being so busy i think i've found my "spark" for writing again

It’s within almost a blink of an eye that Seungkwan’s life starts taking off without control. 

 

He starts attending classes again as a full time student, and instead of just taking one or two classes a day he’s enrolled in four and even one more online. Everyday after class he heads to the vocal lessons that Jeonghan had gifted him for his birthday and it’s  _ much _ more intensive than he would have expected. They typically last two hours but sometime he even stays later because his instructor expects a lot from him, which is fine because Seungkwan would give anything to learn more and keep improving as much as possible, but the downside in that is the fact that it’s getting pretty hard to keep doing his homework on the subway. 

 

On Monday to Wednesday he has night rehearsals with the guys for the performances back at Jihoon’s. Thursday to Saturday night actually consists of him participating in these performances and even serving a few drinks behind the bar, although the inclusion of Chan’s help has taken a little bit of work off everyone’s shoulders. That leaves Sunday as the only day where Seungkwan doesn’t have any responsibilities to keep up with, but usually he’s still left catching up on all of the homework from the week before. Saying that this is the busiest time in his life would be a complete understatement. 

 

The rest of January and February and half of March pass before Seungkwan can really realize how fast time is passing him by. Only as he starts to take notice of all of these changes, then the city sidewalks piled up with crunchy white snow start to turn brown with the overflow of passing traffic before fully melting away into endless wet puddles on the cement. The temperature warms up much too slowly compared to what he’s used to in Jeju but the sky is looking more and more blue these days with the upcoming promise of spring. And now that the weather’s finally started to change, Seungkwan is finally getting around to some spring cleaning as well. 

 

You see, once things had started getting so busy, Seungkwan nearly lost hopes of moving into a new apartment with Hansol. When he was so distracted with homework and lessons and future performances, all that he could manage to do when he arrived home everyday would be to shower, eat dinner, prepare for the next day, and then fall right asleep. That barely left anytime for cooking or cleaning or other various household duties. He’s so blessed to have Hansol around though. He understands completely and takes care of things when he has his own free time. 

 

Shortly into Seungkwan’s first few weeks back to school, Hansol was lucky enough to pick up a full time job as well. The other had been visiting one of his favorite record stores in town one day and had stumbled on a now hiring sign hanging on the front door. Since he was already on good terms with the other shop workers and the store’s manager, he even managed to be hired on the spot. Seungkwan honestly hadn’t seen him so excited about a new opportunity like this in awhile and he was so happy for him. And since Hansol was enjoying himself so much at work, he didn’t even seem to think taking on Seungkwan’s share of the housework was too much to ask either.

 

Hansol is Seungkwan’s rock. Seungkwan himself would say that a million times and practically get it tattooed on his forehead, that’s how much he repeats that thought to himself when he realizes how good the other has been to him. Not only does Hansol help him prepare his meals to take to go for the next day, but sometimes he’ll even help him laundry his clothes, or start packing things into boxes for their eventual move. Sure, they looked at pictures of new apartment listings when they had time together but Hansol was the one who had done most of the research. Certainly Seungkwan was interested in picking their new place together too, but it was just too difficult with everything else he had going on right now. 

 

And in all honesty, it didn’t even matter where he ended up living as long as he ended up together with Hansol. 

 

“I got an email today that said our deposit cleared. We can move in next week if you think we’ll be ready.” Hansol informs him from across the room, taping up yet another empty box to pile even more of his records and CDs and books and various other collectibles in. He just accumulates way too much stuff, even if most of it is vintage and didn’t cost very much in the first place. More than half of the boxes that they’ve already finished consist of Hansol’s stuff only.

 

“I know I’ll be ready, but I don’t know about you and your little museum over there.” Seungkwan admits with a soft laugh, currently working on packing up some of the summer clothes he knows he won’t be needing anytime soon. “Since we’re going to have two different bedrooms, I was thinking we can only use one as an actual bedroom and the other for all of your…. well, stuff.” 

 

Seungkwan didn’t exactly know what he had said that was so special but Hansol’s face practically lights up with the power of a million suns. “Can we turn it into a music room?” He asks out rather amazedly, suddenly realize that this is all possible. “I could display all of my records on all of the walls and finally hang up that recording microphone you got for your birthday. I could even soundproof the walls so we could finally start recording songs!” 

 

He hadn’t expected such a burst of excitement from the other but Seungkwan’s happy to play along with it. “Yeah, I’ll let you use it as your music room as long as you let me use the extra closet space for the rest of my growing collection of stage performance clothes. And we  _ still _ have to record smile flower one of these days. How am I supposed to show Jihoon my progress if I’ve been too busy to actually record something?” Seungkwan trails on as he pauses in his work to glance down on the ring on his finger, the one Hansol had gifted him months before in promise of his song and his commitment to their journey together. 

 

He remembers the day he first received this gift. They had spent so many long hours making miniscule updates on just the beats of the song, then moving onto the lyrics, and then adjusting the lyrics to their own personal situation, and then they actually completely finished the song together. The whole process had taken quite a long time but it had felt so rewarding to receive a gift that symbolized the completion of their project together. But then everything got so complicated with school and work and lessons that even though he was practicing the vocals regularly, the physical recording was left unfinished. It was almost like Seungkwan had gotten so lost in studying music that he barely had any time to actually make it. 

 

“We have to start recording as soon as we move in.” Seungkwan decides resolutely as he continues back into his process of packing up his clothes. “I’m hoping everything can be digitally mastered before summer starts because apparently Jihoon is planning a lot for the tourist season. I’m planning on having another showcase or a single release party at the bar in hopes that someone from the industry will hear it.” 

 

Hansol just smiles at him from across the room, shaking his head slowly as he lets out a low chuckle. “You never stop working, don’t you? You’re going to drive yourself crazy if you keep dreaming and dreaming without ever stopping to catch up with reality.” He teases him lightly for a moment all the while being quite realistic with things. “Besides, before worrying about impressing some executive I’m going to need you to take your time singing my song. If you try to rush through it as soon as possible, the emotions won’t convey themselves into the track. I know I gave you my song but I won’t hesitate to take it away if you’re trying to take on more than you can chew.” 

 

“All I should be worrying about is getting through this week first.” Seungkwan admits realistically as he laughs along a little as well, although a bit distractedly at that. “I have a few assignments to finish later on today, and there’s a group evaluation at my vocal lessons coming up as well, but as for moving, I was kind of thinking of having a housewarming party? We don’t have to plan much. In fact, I was just going to ask some of my friends to come and help us move all of our boxes and maybe we buy some pizza and beer in thanks. That would be enough for them to work for free.” 

 

“Yeah, that would be super helpful actually. I don’t mind buying some snacks as long as I have to do less carrying.” Hansol willingly agrees with him as he finishes taping up one of his boxes and starts carelessly throwing his stuff inside of it. The difference between the two of them is so drastic that it’s nearly a miracle that they’re still somehow such a perfect match. Seungkwan just carefully folds another shirt and shakes his head almost cluelessly. 

 

“You know, now that I realize it, I haven’t actually hung out with anyone in a really long time....” Seungkwan starts to notice that the more he thinks about it. “Of course I can still see the guys at work but it’s not exactly the same when we’re trying not to bump into each other at practice or trying to yell over the music in order to have a conversation. Chan came all the way to this country just to see me and I barely see him now that he’s moved in with everyone else. I probably had lunch with Mingyu at university like twice. And then I’ve been texting with Seokmin, Minghao, and Wonwoo sometimes but that’s barely anything either.” 

 

“Honestly, you should take a break more often, Boo.” Hansol speaks up this time quite seriously, losing much more of their playful tone left from before. “If possible, do you think you could even take some shifts off work and pass them to Chan instead? I know it’s hard to skip school or lessons but I’m sure Jihoon would give you some time off if you brought this up to him. He wouldn’t want one of his best performers getting burned out and off schedule for an even longer break if something ever did happen...” 

 

“Hey, I don’t feel defeated just because I have a little more work than usual. I can’t give up that easily, plus I really like being busy.” Seungkwan replies matter of factly, clearly not taking it as serious as Hansol seems to be as he averts his eyes back onto his packing. “If I feel like I need a break then I’ll talk to Jihoon about it but as for now…. well, I feel like I’m just getting started with everything I want to do. I’m not in the mood to slow down at all, even if it does mean that I’ll have to lose a little sleep.” 

 

Hansol hears him out but that doesn’t mean that he has to wholeheartedly agree with everything he says, even if Seungkwan is rather stubborn and doesn’t like to listen well sometimes. He lets out a sigh and stops his own work for a moment in order to take a seat by Seungkwan’s side instead, in which he takes some of the clothes and starts carefully folding them himself before eventually speaking up again. “You know I can’t help but to worry about you sometimes… You’re utterly passionate and reckless and that’s part of why I fell in love with you… but I still worry about you every so often.” Hansol admits with an unexpected amount of sincerity as he lets his head tip to the side to rest against Seungkwan’s shoulder. Then his eyes flicker up as if in search for Seungkwan’s own. “You don’t even know how badly I’d hurt if something ever happened to you. If I had to go on without you again, I don’t think I could get through it.” 

 

Seungkwan can almost feel how intently the other is staring at him, although for some reason he can’t even muster the courage to tilt his head sideways enough to lock eyes with him. The palpitating in his chest nearly stops completely before it’s sent racing again at such an intense speed. It’s funny how just a few words from Hansol can still affect him like this. Seungkwan tries to swallow an invisible lump that forms in his throat without the other noticing as he tries to keep his gaze locked onto to a shirt he’s folding. 

 

“I don’t think you have anything to worry about...” Seungkwan mumbles out quietly, still unable to look Hansol in the eye because he still feels the other staring at him unwaveringly. It makes him feel so small but not necessarily in a bad way. It’s more like he wishes Hansol would just grab him already and suffocate him in the immense love that he knows the other has for him.

 

He hears Hansol exhale as he smiles slowly, using his fingers to lightly tip Seungkwan’s chin into his direction to finally connect their gaze together. And Seungkwan doesn’t fight him, even though he knows that he probably should have played hard to get by now. By the time Hansol’s soft brown eyes lock onto his own, it’s almost as if they’re peering into his soul and filled with nothing but complete and unmitigated devotion for him, Seungkwan almost doesn’t know what to do with himself. He feels like his body is about to shake with some combination of want and anticipation and nervousness from how dedicatedly the other is staring at him right now. And yet he absolutely loves this feeling. 

 

“Just promise me that you’ll take some time to slow things down a little.” Hansol requests as his only wish from him as one fingertip traces it’s way down Seungkwan’s chin slowly, never allowing for his eyes to drift away from their almost electric hold on each other. Seungkwan barely even notices the shirt slip out of his hands as he’s so distracted by the array of colors that dance within Hansol’s eyes as he looks at him like this. 

 

“I love when you’re so dedicated to making your dreams come true, but I don’t want you to push yourself too far and end up not having any fun along the way. How are you supposed to enjoy the ride to the top when you’re too busy focusing on the future instead of now?” Hansol’s voice is barely above a whisper as he speaks to Seungkwan like they’re the only two left within this world. And Seungkwan finds himself hanging onto every single syllable like it means absolutely everything to him. Then Hansol grants him a smile so sweet that it could probably even bring tears to his eyes if he stared at him long enough. “Do you think that you can do that for me? I only worry too much sometimes because I love you too much, Boo Seungkwan. Don’t slip away from me and get lost trying to accomplish your dreams too fast. Sometimes I fear you’ll forget about me as well.” 

 

Seungkwan doubts that he’ll ever meet another person like Hansol in this life ever again. Even if he were born again and reincarnated into another body, he’d probably search endlessly to end up finding his missing half all over again, repeating this pattern again and again for centuries. That’s how strong Hansol’s hold on him makes him feel. And there’s no way he’d ever get so lost along the way that he’d somehow end up letting the other slip right through his fingers. There’s absolutely no way. 

 

Without wasting anymore time, Seungkwan allows for his fingers to grasp onto the front of Hansol’s shirt, suddenly pulling him closer within one quick and firm movement to bring their lips crashing together in a desire filled kiss. The surprised gasp that passes through Hansol’s lips ghosts over his own, sending a tingle of electricity throughout his entire body at how everything about this moment feels so intense. That only makes Seungkwan want to kiss him harder, easing Hansol into submitting all of his worries away and focusing all of his attention onto their shared connection together instead. Once he feels Hansol finally warming up to him, Seungkwan smiles playfully against his lips as he feels the other’s hands grip impatiently into his hair, also desperate to rush into this as Seungkwan barely processes the other’s fingernails impatiently scraping against his skin. 

 

Too lost in the moment to care about leaving tender touches onto the other’s pale skin, Seungkwan pushes Hansol’s back against the floor rather carelessly before hovering above him again, aligning their lips together yet again for another sweet kiss. Hansol’s lips have always tasted unlike anyone others even in his short list of past experiences. There’s such an addictive quality about his particular taste. It’s almost like it was meant for him. Seungkwan cranes his neck down again and again to get even more of them, possibly even to the point of getting drunk off of the other’s existence. 

 

Although Seungkwan must have been taking advantage of the other just moments before, the second that Hansol slips his tongue into the other’s mouth without even asking permission for entry, Seungkwan just kind of loses control after that. His hands fumble away from the other’s shirt in favor of sliding down his chest and down his body instead, only choosing to stop once they’ve reached the waistband of the other’s comfy sweatpants. He gives the waistband a warning snap with his thumb before sliding inside and gripping onto Hansol’s equally growing excitement comparable to his own. And just like that, they get lost in their own little world again. 

 

Time may be moving too fast but in the end, as long as it’s just him and Hansol together like this, Seungkwan knows that everything will be perfectly fine. 

  
  


. . . . .  

  
  


“I smell pizza.” Soonyoung announces without managing to greet anyone else in the room when he arrives moving day. He’s got a complete one tracked mind and Seungkwan hadn’t even expected anything more from him. He doesn’t even bother to feel upset by the lack of a greeting because he just  _ knows _ Soonyoung by now. Laughing a little under his breath and turning to hug Chan in greeting instead, he can’t help but to lean down into the other’s ear and whisper some teasing words to his best friend. 

 

“So how’s it been living with Soon? I mean, cough cough your  _ boyfriend _ .” 

 

The sickeningly sweet words from Seungkwan’s lips make Chan’s face twist up in a way that looks like he’s just eaten a lemon. Clearly picking on the other had gotten much more easy now that he could exploit the fact that he knew two of his best friends clearly had some sort situation going on between them. The terms of their “relationship” still wasn’t all too clear but there was obviously  _ something _ happening. Maybe Seungkwan only wanted to tease Chan in the first place because that was the key to getting any information out of him. 

 

Still looking rather disturbed in the face, Chan just squeezes Seungkwan a little too roughly in  their hug (for revenge) while whispering back. “He is NOT my boyfriend. And living with him along with Jeonghan and Junhui has been great.” 

 

Seungkwan narrows his eyes. “Then what is he?” 

 

“He’s just Soonyoung. What else does he need to be?” 

 

“Well from what I heard from my top secret sources, there’s only three beds within that whole apartment… one for Jeonghan, one for Junhui, and one for Soonyoung. That leaves me to wonder where Lee Chan falls in that equation and I feel like I might already know the answer.” 

Because they’re still locked within a now too tight embrace, Seungkwan is quick to notice the other’s ears flushing a bright tomato red before it can catch up to the rest of his face. He holds back the devious cackle that threatens to spill past his lips in favor of messing with the younger a bit more first. 

 

“Oh, so it seems like I’m right by how red you’re getting now. That’s interesting though. I thought you would have been quicker and give some excuse that you’re actually sleeping on the couch or something.” 

 

Chan just hesitates for quite a longer moment than what would be considered normal, that’s how Seungkwan knows that he’s caught him. The younger just grits his teeth for a second or two before putting the slightly older male in a tight but still somewhat playful headlock. “Seungkwan, I swear to god that I’m not a fan of violence but if you plan on keeping this up, I might just have to bodyslam you onto the floor.” 

 

“Soonyoung, Chan’s threatening me!” Seungkwan squirms in his hold much like a little kid would, whining out quite annoyingly as well. It almost reminds him of the days when they were much younger in Jeju and fooling around just like this. The nostalgia factor only makes this even more funny to Seungkwan right now. “He said he’s gonna bodyslam me down into the hard floor!” 

 

“Ay, get ‘em Chan!” Soonyoung decides to do the opposite of what he’d like him to do and starts cheering for him atop the kitchen counter in which he decided to sit upon. His yells are slightly muffled by the pizza currently shoved into his mouth but still quite loud enough to draw attention to the spectacle going on in the kitchen. 

 

“I’ll bet $20 on Seungkwan.” Mingyu decides as he hops onto the counter alongside Soon and reaches over for his own piece. “Have you ever seen him pop off before? I think Seungkwan could be capable of anything in the right mindset. I do NOT want to see him come at me.” 

 

Junhui’s eyes light up with interest as soon as he puts down one box he was carrying. “Oh, they’re fighting now? I didn’t know either of them had it in them to be honest.” He comments out amusedly as Seungkwan tries to pry Chan’s arm away from his neck, twisting his body and attempting to maneuver Chan off of him in any way possible. Despite being younger though, Chan had always seemed to be physically stronger. Not only did he play countless sports growing up, but Seungkwan's got a feeling that dance practices with Soon have been bulking him up a little more as well. Getting the other caught in an opposing move is going to take a lot of mental thinking. 

 

“They’re play fighting I think.” Mingyu answers back. “If you look closely enough you can see them laughing like maniacs.” 

 

“Go for his legs, Kwan!” Junhui shouts back supportively. “If you can’t outsmart him from above you gotta sneak attack from below!” 

 

And Junhui’s words are actually quite genius at a time like this. Since Chan isn’t planning on releasing the hold around his neck anytime soon, Seungkwan decides to start twisting his legs up with Chan’s own until they eventually get too off balance, sending the two of them falling onto the ground with a thump. Although the initial fall might have hurt just a little bit, the scramble for Seungkwan to win at least once against Lee Chan is much more interesting right now. He eventually seizes a lucky chance as he flips Chan over and sits on his abdomen to prevent him from moving anymore. “This is the day that Boo Seungkwan successfully conquered Lee Chan!” He proclaims all too victoriously, yet completely out of breath. 

 

Jeonghan, who had walked through the door struggling to carry a large sized box with the help of Minghao too, catches onto these words and frowns in the direction of the two boys on the floor. “I don’t know what in the hell is even possibly happening in this situation but I really don’t feel comfortable with it right in front of my eyes.” He lets go of the box mid air, leaving Minghao to scramble to catch it as he makes his way over to them. Within one swift movement he snatches one of Seungkwan’s unwilling arms and pulls him off of Chan with a little difficulty but resolutely at that. “No kids fighting in the kitchen. God knows what you’d manage to bump your head on and bleed out right next to the pizza.”

 

“Damn, the fun’s all over.” Soonyoung replies disappointedly with the click of his tongue. “Can we at least bring the second round to the nicely carpeted living room?” 

 

“No because you all left Hansol and Seokmin down there with the delivery truck in order to watch these two fight like actual five year olds. There’s only ten or so boxes left so as soon as those are brought back we can all enjoy some pizza and watch them do it all over again.” 

 

“I volunteer to fight Soonyoung next time!” Junhui announces with a smirk as he looks back at him almost threateningly before heading back down to go help. 

 

“Yeah, well Seokkie and I have watched a lot of Naruto in our time! Just wait until we double team you and show you what we’ve learned!” Soonyoung shouts back after him before hurrying back downstairs as well, all but naruto-running down the staircases after him. Jeonghan looks like he’s about to have an aneurysm from all of the stupidity he’s witnessed in one day. 

 

“That means everyone by the way. Minghao, Mingyu, Lee Chan. Just get one more box and we’ll be finished in just a bit.” Jeonghan advises them as if he’s managing this whole moving project. It was just in his character to run things after doing it for so many years. With everything else going on though, Seungkwan was just relieved he didn’t have to take care of the logistics himself. 

 

“Can I stop to breathe first?” Chan huffs out rather sarcastically from where he’s still lying on the floor. Jeonghan just puts his hands on his hips and shakes his head slowly.

 

“No, but you can breathe once all the work is finished.” 

 

“Just leave me here to die then. You can even take out the police tape and draw a little line around my body. It will be the perfect little housewarming present. Lee Chan always by your side.” 

 

“I need to have a private word with Seungkwan though.” Jeonghan insists rather seriously for a moment. “And I’d prefer to do it before everyone comes back.” 

 

“What if I pretend I’m not listening? I can even plug my ears if you’d like?” 

 

“ _ Lee Chan _ …” 

 

“Fine, I’m leaving but I’m going to be absolutely miserable about it.”

 

Seungkwan can’t help but to laugh a little and reach out to ruffle his best friend’s hair as he passes by, thanking him without words for being a good sport and having fun with him today. It really did feel like they were back in the old times of growing up with Jeju for a few minutes there. The feeling of nostalgia isn’t one Seungkwan felt very often in New York so he was completely welcome to it. 

 

Once everyone else has left the room, Jeonghan cocks his head over to the direction of the one piece of furniture they all managed to move into the apartment earlier. The same couch that Seungkwan and Hansol had struggle to get up three flights of stairs the first week Seungkwan had moved in. It was kind of amusing how many memories that managed to have as well. Without purchasing that, Seungkwan even starts to wonder if he would have bonded so closely with Hansol that quickly after all. 

 

Pushing these little thoughts out of his head for the time being though, he takes a seat down next to Jeonghan and blinks at him rather curiously to prompt him into speaking. He doesn’t know what the other is planning on telling him even if he tries to predict it. Luckily Jeonghan has always been so straightforward when it comes to business so he wastes no time in getting into it.

 

“I’m here with direct news from Jihoon so the plan is already set in stone, I’m just going to get you all caught up with everything before everyone comes in and it gets loud again. Jihoon is planning on adding Chan as a regular performer alongside us. He says its because the summer season always gives us double the business compared to usual, but in all honesty, I think he’s feeling a little nervous about the fact that you’re so successful lately. He’s making a backup plan in case something happens and you end up walking away from us for something better.” 

Seungkwan isn’t sure what to even say right now. He wants to open his mouth and vehemently deny that he’d ever even think about leaving but that’s not exactly so truthful either. If his debut single released and picked up enough of an audience, he probably wouldn’t hesitate before signing his life away to some big label record company. Jeonghan just continues on without waiting for him to come up with some sort of reaction. 

 

“Which I think is a smart idea. Five people look better performing on stage, Chan is advancing more and more with his dancing everyday, now would be the perfect time to start training him in other aspects of performing as well. And I don’t want to sound too harsh when I say this but… I can’t imagine you performing in a bar for much longer, Seungkwan. I don’t think it’s where you’re meant to end up even though you do love working with us and we love having you there as well. But as your _ friend,  _ not as a co-worker or an assistant manager, I think you should be looking for alternative opportunities. You might look at the bar as your home, or your safe place to fall back to, but myself and everyone else would certainly feel unbearably sad if years ended up passing and you were still stuck alongside with all of the potential you have now.” 

 

It’s a weird feeling Seungkwan is left with. It’s purely bittersweet to say the least. Jeonghan must have done a lot of thinking before coming here today. He’s practically giving him the chance to stay as long as he’d like but also wishing that he’d still leave them for something better. They’d cut him free to chase his dreams but still always give him the possibility to come back. This is the type of encouragement that should make Seungkwan happy. It should make him want to strive for more. But in all actuality, Seungkwan feels like tears might be slipping past his eyes any second now. 

 

“I’ve talked to Jihoon lately. I’ve talked to Jun and Soonyoung even more than I have with him. But… I don’t think any of us would have hurt feelings if you decided to leave us on a whim someday. We’re just counting down the days to the inevitable now, aren’t we?” Jeonghan ponders out loud, perhaps to no one other than himself right now as he finds himself staring up at the ceiling. “I think we’ve all come to the same conclusion. The day your dream comes true will definitely arrive sooner than any of us could ever prepare for. So in preparation of that day, as long as you can live happier, and smile more, and forget about however sad you’re going to be when it’s time to leave, we hope that you can live the way you want to. That’s all that really matters to us in the end.” 

 

And Seungkwan doesn’t even know what’s gotten into him today. Maybe it’s all of the accumulating stress from all of his deadlines, pressure for achieving better in vocal lessons, or the strain on his body from endlessly practicing for performances and the lack of sleep and lack of eating properly combined. There’s probably a whole lot of contributing factors to describe his feelings in this moment. He doesn’t even know if he’s relieved or sad or whatever else in the whole mix of things. All he knows is that once he brings his hands up to his face, he bursts out crying with an intensity he hasn’t felt in such a while. Yet at the same time, he doesn’t exactly even know why he’s crying. The tears had just started to flow out before he could will them away.

“No, I didn’t mean for this to happen…. that wasn’t supposed to make you all emotional.” Jeonghan admits a bit defeatedly as well, the sight of Seungkwan bursting into tears right in front of him being a little too difficult for him to just sit back and watch. “You can’t go on crying like that in front of me. I’ll end up crying as well and I definitely won’t forgive you for making me cry too…” 

 

The words don’t do anything to calm Seungkwan down a bit. There’s probably nothing in the entire world that could be used to prevent him from shedding tears over his feelings in this moment. Just now realizing this, Jeonghan sits up in his seat to pull a weak Seungkwan into his arms, offering his shoulder to soak with tears. “I’m sorry… my words weren’t supposed to come out like that. I thought you would feel happy knowing that we’d support you even until that day comes.” He whispers out carefully near one of Seungkwan’s ears, carding his fingers through the younger’s hair in the most gentle of ways he could manage in order to provide him with some comfort. “But… god, I don’t think I ever realized how important you are to me, to  _ all _ of us, until there was the chance that you’d actually be taken away. It’s kind of stupid to admit but you were nothing short of a miracle for us. It’s like you could fix anything you touched. If I hadn’t met you, it scares me to think what would have happened to me… you’ve just done so much…” 

 

Seungkwan can’t do anything right now. If anything, the continuous streaming of kind words only did more to make him cry even more intensely. Not only was he unsure if he really deserves such praise even despite expressing his desires to follow other paths, but maybe they only made him more regretful to leave the group of friends he had turned into a family. He didn’t want to leave them  _ ever _ but he couldn’t help if a better opportunity came into his life someday. In this moment, Seungkwan is left feeling like a child. Moving across the world and fending for himself had tricked him into a false sense of security into feeling like an adult. Deep down inside, he’s still crying like a lost child. 

 

Everything around him is almost like a blur. He hears voices around him but he’s not in the right mind to respond back. 

 

“What happened? Why are you both crying?” Junhui’s voice resonates around him first, sounding rather caught off guard and somewhat panicked for a moment before realizing something. “... You told him, didn’t you?” 

 

With Seungkwan’s face still pressed firmly against Jeonghan’s shoulder, he’s not sure how the other responded to this question. He must have nodded or something though. All he can process is the feeling of Junhui taking a seat by the elder’s side and presumably blotting the tears off of his face as well. 

 

“Hm, what’s going on?” Chan’s voice asks out next. 

 

“There was something Jeonghan wanted to tell Seungkwan.” Soonyoung answers back in a much more reserved tone than he would have expected from him at a moment like this. “Well, something from all of us that we wanted him to know. Why don’t you go and get another box and let the others know that we’ll need a few minutes alone time? Maybe tell Vernon though.” 

 

Chan doesn’t say anything else after that but Seungkwan predicts that he probably went to do just that. Within seconds, Seungkwan feels a weight settle down next to his side before strong arms wrap around his form as well. Soonyoung is embracing him from the other side. He can practically feel the other’s soft cheek pressing against his shoulder. 

 

“I knew this day would come sooner or later…” Soonyoung mumbles under his breath and Seungkwan can nearly hear the pout on his lips as he speaks. “The day that Seokmin showed me the video of you singing with him, I knew that our little bar wouldn’t be enough to hold you back for long. You see, guys like me and Hannie and Jun aren’t the type to break off and go solo. We perform better within a team than individually because we each specialize in a different area and complete the areas we each lack. But you, Kwan… you’re the whole package. You have the voice and the dance, the personality and the visuals, and most importantly, the willpower to back it up. Heh, I should have told myself not to get too attached from the beginning once I noticed this but we all know I loved you even after getting to know you for ten minutes.” 

 

As Soonyoung tries to laugh about this a little, Seungkwan can hear that his nose has started to sniffle just like the rest of them. “Shit, I just realized how much I’m going to miss you. I remember when you were upset a little while ago when Hansol went back to his hometown. And everyday I woke up next to you, you would always cling to my arm and never let go no matter how hard I tried to slip away. Eventually I would give up and just go back to bed even if I had something to do because you just looked so… small and defenseless and I wanted to protect you. It was the first time that I ever felt useful, as a big brother, you know? I just hope that no matter what happens and no matter what changes between our worlds, you’ll always be able to trust in me like you do now. I want to be the person that you can always rely on. Make me your home away from home. I guess that’s…. well, all I can really ask for in hopes of not being forgotten someday…” 

 

Soonyoung is absolutely ridiculous if he could even ever really think that forgetting him could even be a possibility. It’s such an annoying suggestion that Seungkwan finally arises from Jeonghan’s shoulder only enough to look him in the eyes, getting a good look at the way his eyes have started to cloud over and cause his nose to start running down his face. It’s all a little disgusting to be honest, but that’s so  _ Soonyoung _ . Seungkwan struggles to even let the tiniest bit of a laugh out as he punches at the other’s shoulder rather weakly. Even though it certainly wasn’t strong enough to hurt in the slightest, Soon rubs at his shoulder lamely before blubbering out even more words. 

 

“Why are you hitting me when I love you so much? I’m sitting here and revealing my whole heart to you and you still have the nerve to hit me...” Soonyoung whimpers out before bursting into tears of his own, some even more ridiculous than Seungkwan’s own maybe. It’s kind of cute though. Definitely enough to distract himself from his own childish outburst from earlier. This time he’s the one who has to pull Soon into his chest and keep holding him there in an attempt to calm him down a little as well. 

 

“I’m sorry but you’re an idiot if you think I’d somehow manage to forget you someday.” Seungkwan tries to sniffle back all of his own tears as he gently pushes away any of the stray droplets that trail down Soon’s cheek before hitting his shirt first. “I’m so sorry but I love you so much too and I’m sorry for making you cry because I started to cry.” He whispers out to him slightly regretfully, pushing the boy’s hair away from his forehead in order to leave a few soft kisses there. “You’ve been the best to me, Soon. You really have taken such good care of me and I can’t thank you enough for that. You’re the best older brother I could have ever dreamed of having.” 

 

Jeonghan clears his throat next to him. “Thanks, I’m sitting right here after all.” 

 

“If you haven’t noticed, I’ve been right here too.” Junhui reminds him as well. 

 

Seungkwan turns to face Jeonghan, finally noticing the evidence of light tear tracks trailing down his own face as well. Guilt starts to bubble up again. Just staring at him and realizing that he made the hard and nearly impossible to crack Jeonghan shed tears over him must have meant something serious. Those words he shared with him earlier must have been difficult to confess. 

 

“I’m so-” 

 

“No, I don’t want to hear that.” Jeonghan finally tries to smile a little as well as he shakes his head. “You have nothing to be sorry for. I don’t ever want you to apologize for going after everything you’ve ever wanted. But if you’re wondering, this cheek is also pretty empty and it could use a little something.” 

 

Seungkwan would normally roll his eyes at a moment like this. He’d probably scoff and end up doing it anyways. But on a day like today, he’s far too emotionally wasted to even bother putting up a front. These are the people who are most important to him. His home away from home. And now that their time together is looking a little uncertain to how much longer it will last, Seungkwan doesn’t want to hesitate for even a moment when it comes to showing them how much they mean to him. 

 

Seungkwan quickly places one peck onto Jeonghan’s cheek before sneak attacking Junhui with one too. They both look equally surprised by this action and widen their eyes in disbelief for a second but shorty after, their looks of shock are replaced with amused laughter instead. Even Seungkwan himself finally starts to feel the wetness in his eyes start to subside. Maybe he’s cried out just about every single tear he’s had left in him. 

 

“Soonyoungie needs one more…” Soon requests back quite weakly at this point too, poking at his own cheek as he’s clearly just trying to get even more rare Seungkwan kisses out of this opportunity. 

 

“I’m sure Chan would love to give you more cheek kisses. If you’re lucky he might even hold your hand as well.” Junhui reminds him as he starts to stand up from the couch. “But why don’t you all go to the bathroom and try to clean yourselves up a bit. I’m sure everyone is just waiting in the hallway for this to finish and the pizza is getting cold…” 

 

Soonyoung gasps. “Wow, he probably will. That’s a good idea.” 

 

“Now you're the only one who cares about pizza.” Seungkwan narrows his eyes suspiciously at Junhui who presumably doesn’t even hear him because he just continues out in the hallway to fetch everyone else. Things have really come full circle. And in the most chaotic of ways.

 

By the time he’s done being fussed over by Jeonghan in the bathroom, who took full responsibility of the tears and volunteered to wipe them all way with a warm wet towel, Seungkwan returns to the living room feeling a little more refreshed and relieved to get all of his feelings out. In the meantime, the guys had managed to drag one of the tables in the center of the room and place a laptop on display. Mostly everyone is already scattered around the couch and sprawled out on the floor with the pizza and some beers, seemingly spontaneously deciding to have a movie night in order to break in the new apartment. 

 

Without trying to feel self conscious about his irritated looking eyes, Seungkwan heads straight to Hansol. Before the other can even scoot over and try to make some room on the already crowded couch, Seungkwan just plops down on his lap instead and draws Hansol’s arms to wrap around him protectively. He’s content in the fact that Hansol doesn’t have to ask him about what just happened. He has a feeling that he already has a good enough idea. Seungkwan just leans back against him and indulges himself in a little bit of Hansol to calm himself down even further. 

 

“We decided to have a Disney marathon. Your favorite.” Hansol informs him with a knowing smile, such an expression that shows Seungkwan that maybe he was the one to convince everyone to go along with the idea. Seungkwan has no idea what on earth he’s done to deserve so much overflowing affection from everyone today but he’s starting to think that maybe he did something great in a past life. Although he was feeling sad earlier, he’s starting to think that the majority of his breakdown was due to so much overwhelming feelings and the love that lingered in his friend’s words to him. 

 

“I love you.” Seungkwan finds himself confessing suddenly, not sure why he wanted to shout those words out to everyone in a hurry today, almost as if he felt it would be too late to do so later. 

 

“I know. I love you too.” Hansol responds back without missing a beat. “Can I kiss you?” 

 

“Why would I say no?” 

 

Hansol lets out a soft laugh in response to the questioning look that Seungkwan shoots in his direction. “Because you might need a little time to cool down. I don’t want to get all up in your face if you’re still feeling overwhelmed from all of that crying you apparently did just minutes ago.” 

 

“You should have seen it. I’m pretty sure Soon and I looked  _ ugly. _ Not Jeonghan though because even he can somehow make crying look beautiful.” Seungkwan admits with a small laugh as he feels Hansol start playing around with his fingers. 

 

“Well even if you cry everyday and look super ugly while doing it, I still think I’m always going to want to kiss you.” 

 

“That’s very reassuring of you.” Seungkwan responds back sarcastically. “Thank you so much for promising that.” 

 

Soonyoung clears his voice from where he’s sitting on the floor below them, sandwiched between not only Lee Chan and Seokmin. “Do you think maybe you could shut up and kiss him already? Circle of Life is about to play soon and I was hoping we could all scream the words together or something.” 

 

“No, I’m going to wait until you least expect it and tongue Hansol down right in front of all of you. Just like if we were fifteen years old and trying to hide in the movie theatre. And there will be noises. A lot of wet noises.” As Seungkwan teases this out just to give him a hard time he audibly hears Chan gag from in front of them. 

 

“We’re watching a Disney movie for christ’s sakes.” Jeonghan reminds them. “This is a G rated movie so please limit your actions to strict PG rated guidelines. That’s only as far as I’m willing to stretch. There can be some hand holding or cuddling, but to keep things short, we’re all too close of friends. No one wants to see anyone hook up among us. That’s just.. gross”

 

“A bold faced lie.” Soonyoung deadpans. “I would love to see everyone date. Newly dating Mingyu and Minghao, don’t forget that I am expecting to see a little bit of young love blooming between the two of you.” 

 

Seokmin slowly raises his hand. “There is no one for me to date here. You’re all paired up except for me.” 

 

“Maybe you should adopt a cat or something.” Soonyoung responds back rather innocently. “If you can’t manage to get any actual female humans to notice you, at least an animal friend might help with the loneliness.” 

 

“You can date our bodyguard Seungcheol.” Jeonghan nearly snickers out. “I can’t visualize that well but at least that’s somebody who’s single.” 

 

Seokmin pretends that he doesn’t hear that part. “Please just tell all of your single sisters and female friends that I am willing to offer free milkshakes in exchange for dates. I’m also a really nice guy too but you know the deal with the milkshakes…” 

 

“Nah, the milkshakes bring the  _ boys _ to the yard…” Mingyu insists. “According to the legendary lyrics, that is. It doesn’t mention anything about girls. How can you work at a music diner and not know that classic hit?” 

 

In the most confusing events of all today, Minghao finally speaks up. “This is all so dumb and I just want to enjoy the movie before I lose even more brain cells than I already have.” He says in perfect English, no hesitating or mispronounced words, just pure and native English that sounds like he’s been living here for years. “Now can we just press play again?” 

 

It’s safe to say that the whole room successfully shut up and paid sole attention to the movie after that. 

  
  
  



End file.
